Runs on food and music, will sing for chips and pasta.

Thursday, September 30, 2004

Health & Beauty


man, do i need to sleep or what?

got back from Sirocco concert round one am, finished up some packing (i'm moving this weekend) and by two am, i was unconscious on the bed...still in my party dress, make-up and smelly hair -- from third party smoking. i finally washed my face at three am when justin came back and slumped back to the bed, dead.

woke to the sound of justin's showering round 7:50am this morning...had my shower and out to office by 9am.

came eleven am, i wish i was dead...then i wouldn't need to stay awake at work. dead sleepy.

this happen a lot, lately. i need to change. i need to get my ass to bed early.

i eat shitty food everyday, yes, the meals i get round office are not only expensive, they are shitty for a vegetarian.


i used to be a stick figure, had flat tummy not because i was fit but because i exercised quite a bit. the walks from office to train stations, etc, kept me slim. now i'm just a little out of shape, for my height anyway.

my tan from Rantau Abang is quite cacat...i scrub my face and body like crazy but i haven't been back to my facial saloon for at least...eight months!

damn it, if i can't take care of myself. who is going to??

Action Items/Plans


1. do weekend homework by shopping for GOOD food for the following week. i figure if i can't have three good meals everyday i can try to have at least one or two good ones. by `GOOD' i mean `balanced'.

2. go to sleep when i'm tired. i reckon by end of November i would have fewer rehearsals in the evenings and hence should have fewer late nights.

3. swim!!!!! swim laps!!!!!

4. badminton!!! (new place got badminton court n gym)


1. hydrating mask twice a week

2. facial visit every two months

3. continue using Colgate Whitening Gel

4. replace that two goddamn old-fashion (because they are not white in color) teeth fillings


Wednesday, September 29, 2004

creating your own culture

Tuesdays With Morrie (i know i know, the whole world has read and i've just started) -- Mitch Albom

" many of the people who come to visit me are unhappy. Well, for one thing, the culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. We're teaching the wrong things. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it. Create your own. Most people can't do it."

the ever-wise and lovely `Untitle/Noname' in my comment box: (THANK YOU, UNTITLE)

"The purpose of living life is happiness. It's evident, in EVERYTHING that human beings do. We play, we make friends, we work hard, we make more money, we get hobbies, we watch tv, we go yamcha, we break rules, etc. All in all, everything it takes to feel good.

On pleasure & happiness:

"The difference is, in my opinion at least - pleasure is derived externally. Buying a new house, car, TV, smoking a cigarette, watching a movie, making a lot of money, etc. It lasts for as long as that period of time that you enjoy it. And then it's gone, and you feel like you need more again.

Happiness comes from within. It's about accepting the good things in your life and appreciating it. You don't necessarily need more of it, but it's fulfilling nevertheless.

A man who works hard everyday and makes a lot of money to buy materials for his family is offering them more pleasure than happiness. Happiness is working and earning less but spending more time with the kids and growing with them."

Back to Tuesday w Morrie, Mitch talked about creating your own culture. We all in our own ways create our own culture, the thing is, is your culture giving you satisfaction?

Morrie:"So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They see, half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning."

I'm sure a great many of us realised that culture we have now is full of BS. We spend many hours chatting and gossiping about news we read from tabloids, as if those people we discuss are our neighbours. We are addicted to someone else's drama. We discuss the outcome of TV soaps and sitcoms, reality TV shows....these things don't make our lived any fuller or happier, why are we so into it?

I decided that I will start to create my own culture now, I will assess all my values and decide whether it should stay or be chucked out. I have always been able to justify my actions: buying a new dress is an investment, sending back my food in a restaurant is respecting my customer right, being outspoken is being true to myself, etc. I will re-consider these things I do and think in a more...human way.

Human way? What the fuck?

We may think that since we are humans, so it shouldn't be hard to act and think like one. Wrong, many things we do everyday are far from `human activities'. Watching sports on TV, gambling, trying to make more money than you need, working more hours than you need, trying to get into the `Tattler' magazine, are not human activities.

Human activities are, I learned, conversations, discussion groups, walks with friends, dancing, eating slowly, look at nature, reading, helping others, write letters to get the drift.

Next project: create my own culture (come join me in this one, create our own cultures based on our newly-acquired `human values')

Focus: on being more human.

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Tuesday, September 28, 2004


Have to forego attending a glamorous (i reckon it would be, as seen in magazines) fashion/lifestyle magazine dinner this Friday. Why? Vocal rehearsal with some folks for an up coming gig, ok ok, a concert.

I remember when SM first took me to the many many launches/parties/dinners, some we had formal invitations, some we gate crashed; I always had fun despite the fact I was less-experienced and more nervous. Nowadays I'm less energetic...I mean, on one hand, I appreciate the fact that I'm more confident these days, on the other hand I wish I was less of a cynic.

It's not that I don't enjoy meeting people these days, I do, I still chat like a fact I've grown more savvy these days --- I even know when to shut up. It's just that I feel tired, mentally tired in extending my hand out and flash a `muffin-smile' (just learn the term the other day -- how do you smile when someone gives you a muffin?) and giving my pitch.

But it's funny now, the more I feel I lack enthusiasm in meeting new people/strangers, the more I want to go out and prove me wrong. I just want to show to myself that I still have it. My record was exhausting one box of name cards in five days.

Just wait, soon as I'm done with my month-long rehearsals and gigs, I'll run back to the scene. SM, wait for me??


Monday, September 27, 2004

reading list

if i don't get back into the habit (of reading), i'll go mad. i need the therapy right now.

so, the list:

1. finishing [An Elegant Life - Audrey Hepburn], last two chapters.
2. next: [Tuesdays with Morie]
3. maybe re-reading [Eleven Minutes]

after moving, i should have all MY books (hopefully some of justin's) in my own room for convenient browsing. after reading Dina Zaman's No, You Can't Borrow My Books today and get very excited immediately about seeing all my books in one place.

SM, CM, ML, IW...any titles to recommend?


bad dreams

1. I dreamed the same thing twice, all in the period of two months. I dreamed that Act two in The Merry Widow was about to start and I just realised I haven't got my proper dance shoes on...I ran down to the hall next to the stage with my head piece in my hand and bare-footed, heart in my mouth...dying. My shoes are at home and I'm suppose to stand in front when the curtains go up!!!!! HELP!!!!!

2. Same thing, I had the same dream this morning.

3. I dreamed I was at a sound-check rehearsal with Deanna Y (I was her back-up singer) at Sunway Lagoon Hotel. The sound check finished round 7pm and I realised I have forgotten my performance clothing. Panicked, I rang up J and somehow he wouldn't come to my rescue --- this was before I bought Sunny Boy, so was still relying on his Zepher Kawasaki. Panicked still, I wasted more time pacing up and down at the lobby of Sunway Lagoon Hotel. Later I relate the dream to Deanna Y and we laughed, you see, the silly sound check finished at 7pm and the show was only starting after 10pm so I could taken my sweet time in going home and get into those clothes, silly me, silly dream.

4. I came back from Rantau Abang and was told that my Sunny Boy was stolen from outside J's house. was really depressing, I felt the whole world was on me, big bully.

5. The depressing one: I was inside J's room when he walked in with a naked girl in his arms, he saw me and we froze. He was visibly annoyed with me there, we got into this scary shouting match while the girl ran into the bathroom for refuge. He got very violent with his words and then I got a slap (a SLAP!!!!) across my face. I cried and screamed in my sleep, when I woke up I saw J walking through the door...oh, just a dream. We shared milk, cheese on toast in front of TV. I don't think J will ever hit a woman. Oh, a funny thing about this dream, at some point, I was introduced to that naked girl with short hair, she has a Philipina sounding name...very cute face.

to be continued...


Rantau Abang

every few months, the South China Sea ocean tides will bring in debris from all over to the beaches of Rantau Abang. the debris that decorated the red-sand beaches go on for miles...

i looked on in disbelief when i got there on early saturday. the eight others with me were volunteers who responded to an email a week ago --- to a beach cleaning project.

amongst us there were biodiversity conservation specialist, MNS (Malaysian Nature Society) members, freelance photographer, backpacker, forestry department official, ex-journalist, etc. we were spoilt to the max the entire weekend with finger-licking good home-cook food by Mariam, the resort's owner, Razali's wife. the deal was: lodging and food on the house while we helped clean up the beach area at the resort.

the topics were authentic local food, chinese dialects, environmental projects, grandma stories, remedies for sun-burn skin, birding...and other beach-cleaning conversations.

the kayaking on sat morning left me with screaming pain in the arms for the rest of saturday. four Panadols saved the day.

the cleaning work only started at about 5pm because the group rested the whole afternoon right after lunch, catching up on the loss of sleep the night before (we drove all night from KL). armed with wimpy plastic garbage bags, we collected about 20 bags of:

1. mineral bottles
2. shoes (slippers, heels, sport shoes, sandals...)
3. perfume bottles
4. fishermen floats
5. light bulbs
6. text books
7. glass bottles
8. tee shirts

we went back to the beach on sunday morning to bag the glasses separately. we played in the sea again after breakfast. and guess what, there were hot pancakes and iced tea served after we came back from the beach. Mariam was out to spoil us all.

finished two rolls of films, color and black & white. must remember to send some to the `German poster-boy' Rolf, (the forestry-specialist who fancied wearing sarong and smoke roll-up tobacco who couldn't stop sweating the whole weekend) who posed for me.

Ja is planning the next clean-up already, a group of fifteen volunteers each time will be nice. the next one should be in March, after the monsoon. let me know if you are's really nice work, in exchange for a little vacation down at the beach.


Friday, September 24, 2004

age of innocence, gone + theatre slut strikes back!

am in reminiscing mood today....remembering my earlier days.

i was the biggest star-struck when i first came to Klang Valley in 1996. to me, KL is a heaven swamped with famous artists, personalities...and other colourful characters. i have vivid memories of my countless encounters with these famous people in KL. i remember when i stopped Harith Iskander in Tower Records and talked to him about my singing career (non-existent back then); i stalked Jit Murad to sign my poster....then i met more people: Sheila Majid, Amir Yusof, Jo Kukathas, Aflin Shauki, Deanna Yusof, Mano Maniam, Puala M. Ali, Yasmin Yusof, Allan Pereira, Antares, Kam Raslan...many many more.

i guess it's the aging factor, just like how things lose their magic on us as we grow up/old. i can't help but feel a little sad, the innocence is leaving me...remembering how exciting it was back then for me, it's just depressing to know suddenly these famous people are no longer `famous' people who would make me stop in my track and talk to them. they are just people now, not stars.

i used to adore all the theatre actors, stage crews, lighting people, box office officers, script writers, directors...i would work for free to be in that exciting world of performing arts. there was this one stage manager who used to hate me (a friend told me, after the stage manager bitched about me to her) or my guts, called me a wannabe.

yes, i was the biggest wannabe around and i was friendlier and very very bubbly. my nick name back then was `theatre slut', after many front-of-house jobs, having been seen at many performances, parties, and done free work for theatres.

SM said i used to make like five new friends every week, and i had soooo many friends.

it makes me happy to know that some people will remember me as the chirpy/happy person. through the years i pondered the meaning of friendship and i guess that has altered the way i socialise and make friends. these days i can count the number of REAL friends i have with two hands...i'm neither sad or happy, it's just life, a trade off for having fewer friends but more meaningful friendships.

having said that, i do feel the need to meet more people...i have not been seriously making new friends, in the last two years. i will try to make up for the two lost years...hehe, so watch out! the theatre slut is coming back, in full force!!!


childhood fantasy

i remember playing this scene over and over in my head when i was about 14 or 15, every morning in the bus to school:

i wake up in early morning my apartment, change into jogging gear and take my dog out for a jog at the park nearby (i don't know about the part how a dog is allowed in an apartment)...i have slim long legs and there are always admiring glances when i run. when i'm done i'll have my wholesome breakfast at my kitchen, orange juice, eggs & baked-beans. after a glorious hot shower i change into my power suits and drive to work (some glamorous job down town), in my own car.

when i was 14 or 15, back in the town of Taiping, the above was a fantasy far beyond my reach. the fantasy was a picture of THE future life for me: it symbolises independence, happiness and love.

today, i'm 27 and a proud owner of a 21-year-old Nissan Sunny 130Y, the fantasy seems a lot closer. and after i move into this lovely condo in Kelana Jaya, i will be able to play the girl in my early-morning-school-bus-fantasy, finally. this makes me ask myself whether i am happy, successful and independent. we'll get to that later...

of course, wearing power suit is no longer a fantasy, wearing anything that resemble a power suit becomes a job, not pure joy. and jogging is never my cup of tea...and i don't
have a dog. hot showers, baked beans, eggs make me very happy, and i live everyday remembering that hot showers in my childhood was a tedious routine (boil water, bring it to the bathroom and mix with cold water), until my dad finally installed one for my mom after i left home.

but to be behind wheels in my own car and go everywhere i fancy, i think, will never ever lose its magic. for people my age who started driving in their teenage hood and never have to pay for car will not understand the significance of it to me. most friends my age were ushered to driving schools during their high schools or colleagues days. most of them were given a car to drive around soon after they passed the driving test.

back then when i was small, the path to happiness was material-achievement, good job and nice clothes, car and a dog. when i first lived away from my parents and my sister, i learned to be happy with smaller, simpler things, like a nice walk along Masjid Jamek on sunday mornings, a bag of chips when i read, good pickings at flea markets, hot Maggie noodles after doing laundry, fave CD playing in my room....i used to make list** like this.

i think when you start to have more things in your life, it gets harder to be happy. so i guess the lesson is: when you upgrade your standard of living, do not upgrade your expectation and standard for happiness.

**who wants to compare list? post it.


Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Envy & Jealousy

Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position.
a. Resentful or bitter in rivalry; envious: jealous of the success of others. b. Inclined to suspect rivalry.
b. Having to do with or arising from feelings of envy, apprehension, or bitterness: jealous thoughts.

n. pl. en·vies
a. A feeling of discontent and resentment aroused by and in conjunction with desire for the possessions or qualities of another.
b. The object of such feeling.

SM said I should blog about this, it's therapeutic...

Since two weeks ago, I can't help but get very jealous whenever I see a couple. The sight of them confirms my new status as a new single and I can't say that the thought makes me jump with joy, but I have to acknowledge that it hurts a lot, a lot, lot less in the past two days...

It irks me also to hear mushy stories of what couples do, ie. what sweet phone messages one sent to her partner, that surprise gift bought by a boyfriend, what he said to her during that romantic dinner at where...

Which leads me to wonder if jealousy is jealousy the result of insecurities? Obviously it is. I understand that the fact of me being dumped does not make me any less as a then why am I so annoyed at the sight of couples??

Confused la.

I'm glad that I am able to relate what happened to me to friends without turning away and hide the tears now, but I'm just a tiny bit worry that my feelings could be suppressed under my cheery surface.

Well, fuck all these for now...I'm going to Rantau Abang for the weekend, yay!

Next mission in line: how to tell my parents



Tuesday, September 21, 2004

the misson of life

Sim, i guess you are right on this one: when you are trouble-free and feeling positive, writing materials don't come that easy. Fine then, one day I'll quote from books I like, the next day I'll quote profound words spoken by wise friends.

Today's feature is my wise one, ML, from Singapore has once again, enlightened me with teachings from Buddhism, she said:

"...happiness lies within ourselves, and not dependent on someone, or something, outside of us. A lot of people in this world hope to find someone, or whatever, in order to be happy. Humans are of course, interdependent, but we should not seek happiness outside ourselves."

She then quoted the teaching from the movie [Runaway Bride]. The Julia Roberts' character was trying to get married but always end up backing out the last minute. At the end of the movie she herself found the reason.

Eggs benedict, remember?

Richard Gere was this reporter who interviewed all her ex-fiancées; there was one question he asked all of them: "How does she like her eggs?" and each one of them gave a different answer. Anyway, after THEY broke up, she took some time to figure out herself. Julia's character finally went to Gere and told him, that she actually like her eggs done that way: eggs benedict. It turned out that when she was with the other fiancés, she did not even know therefore unable to accept and love herself for who she is, and in turn, unable to love another person, know and accept..


ML went on to say that many who went to watched the movie can't see pass that superficial morality issue, ie. running away from your own wedding and finally settling down. We believe a lot of people miss that profound thing in that movie (I probably did, I couldn't remember the thing she pointed out until she pointed it out)

ML: "In other words, whether or not you find a partner, or anything should not determine your happiness. You yourself must be happy, and then share this happiness with someone else. When you are happy, you will be able to share it with someone, be it friends, family, partner, etc..."

Another source of teaching on happiness n relationship in the form of a small picture story book: Craig Fong's [Jane Wants A Boyfriend]

OH YA, then we talked about THE topic: mission in life. Here it is: Our mission in life is to create values, in our society and among people in our lives.

So what your mission in life?

And how do you like your eggs done?


Monday, September 20, 2004

is Pigeon, not Crow

SM corrected, thar birdie that hang out a lot outside her room is a PIGEON, not a damn crow...

should read up on birds and their symbols, crow = evil, pigeon = romantic??

i am really starting to miss Puteh already, the silly dog is sooo adorable. i'm really going to miss a lot of them.


Sunday, September 19, 2004

The Heartbreak Handbook & stuff

Eventhough [Eleven Minutes] was really good, there's nothing more useful than Valerie Frankel & Ellen Tien's [The Heartbreak Handbook]. Am now at its second last chapter: [Just When You Thought You were Over Him].

Bits that made me choked on tears:

Chapter 5: "When you are so connected to someone and then the connection is broken, you feel as though a part of your body has been ripped off. Like you're missing a vital internal organ." (this one hit me right on)

Chapter 9: "Five reasons to love men:
1. Because they put up with us. What seems like perfectly normal behaviour to us is bona fide alien-nation stuff to them. And yet, often, with great grace and good humour, men do their level best to accommodate the needs of these strange female creatures.

(made me want to smile and cry at the same time, thinking how he used to look at my eye-lash twister and said it looked like stuff from a torture chamber; and how he will now no longer put up with me changing 5 times before we go out)

2.Because they don't want us to be afraid.

3. Because they hurt when we hurt. When you tell a guy about the latest trauma in your life, he might not be so adept with the hand-holding and the counseling. But most of the women we talked to agreed that men, more than women, fee other people's pain. Where they are lacking in sympathy. They usually make up for in empathy.

4. Because they shoulder so many burdens on their own. Men are taught to hide their feelings. They may travel in loud, raucous groups, swinging bravado, but at the end of the day, so much than us women, they go it alone. More often than not men will, in their own sweet, clumsy way, do their level best to show us the world can be a friendly place.

5. Because they see the good over the bad. Oh, we can be a critical breed, we women. We notice everything --- particularly things that we perceive as bad or ugly or stupid. We sweat the details. Men, on the other hand, have an endearing way of...Skipping over the bad parts. What's more, they really mean it -- since men don't know from etiquette, you can pretty much count on their sincerity. In other words, men don't search for the blots and stains that we so eagerly seek out. When they look at us, they instinctively see us as the good, whole, desirable people that they really believe we are. And by and large, they treat us accordingly."

I used to diss self-help books, thinking if you can't already help yourself, what makes you think that a book (self-help book, that is) can help us? Now I know otherwise, a good self-help book makes you see the situation clearly and sometimes even understand it a little better, than it brings you to realize/see the bigger picture: life goes on, you might as well make the rest of the ride more enjoyable for yourself.


I can't remember the last time I dined alone as a single, but I'll always remember my first dinner with myself in a restaurant as a single after this relationship:

Date: Sep 17, 2004
Location: Cafe 1918-1920
Menu: Iced peach & apricot tea with mushroom olive oil spaghetti, dessert: banana fritters with vanilla ice-cream
Damage: RM 30++


Woke up today at SM's dream-like condo alone, the bed sheet is heavenly, her perfume lingers in the room and the occasional crow outside her window was good company. I took a leisurely swim at her pool and had nasi lemak for breakfast, then for the first time in years, a stranger asked me for my phone number -- the waiter at the pool-side cafe. If I could charge each guy who ask me for my contact number (and save the money for my apartment), I'd start wearing bikini to the streets.

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Thursday, September 16, 2004

cooking with love

every time i recalled this incident, it always bring tears in my eyes:

it happened on one sunday morning many many months ago when justin and i were still volunteering for Food Not Bombs KL (FNBKL). we were selling second hand clothes outside the cathedral church in bukit nanas to raise some money for the food program, we saw a homeless man limping across the road, we recognised that he sometimes comes and eat at our weekly serving. he was wearing a torn black pants and bare-footed. justin picked a pair of good pants from our on-sale pile and went over and offered it to him, he took the pants from justin, looked down at the new pants in his hands and gestured `thank you' and waved at me from across the road and walked away very slowly, then it happened, he cried. he just started crying and pushing tears away as we walked.

we also cried.

the one-year with FNBKL is unforgettable. many friends have heard me talking about it but i guess very few actually know what the work is like...

few of us start work in the morning on sundays, justin and i would sell clothes outside the church (same place where the serving will take place in the evening), riding on the sunday mass crowd. our customers were mostly philipino maids who hang out on sundays in town. few other volunteers would visit a few selected wet markets in town and collect donations of scraps, unsold vegetables, potatoes, fruits, etc. the cash raised from the `morning jumble sale' will go to buy rice, oil, onions and other cooking ingredients that we can't get for free.

the cooking will take place round 2pm in a place aptly called University Bangsar Utama (UBU) where activists conduct free tuition classes for the kids in the neighbourhood, hold discussion groups, etc. volunteers who are mainly underground musicians, university students, grown-up bohemians and back-packers would come to help with the massive cooking in the tiny kitchen of UBU.

round 5:40pm the food will get transported to the serving pad. by 6pm we would have a long line of people queuing for their dinner. the dinner usually consist of one soup dish, a stir-fried vegetable, rice, fruits and water.

i remember befriending a lonely old lady from the church. she told me she lived in this cheap room in puduraya area, she visits the church twice on sunday. Mary Anne was her name. she must have been really lonely because every week she would come round and talked to me, telling me to wear clogs when i do the dish-washing so i don't soak my feet in wet slippers; telling me to eat more because she thought i was under weight. sometimes she would take the food we offered but other times she just spent about half an hour there just hanging with us.

then there this feisty young woman called Letchumi, she was about the only female who came to eat every week. she was very vocal and argumentative, picking fights with the men was no surprise in our weekly routine. she got pregnant short while after i got to know her, then she disappeared for a few weeks. when she came back again for food she told us the baby was safe and she was looking to work regularly. i didn't see her after but i bumped into her once late at night in bangsar baru, she was begging i think. the last i saw her (which i can't remember when) she has put on weight and well-groomed, said she got a good job in perak and she was earning a good living as family help or some sort.

the reason why i left them was i was thinking too much about the real impact i was making in the lives of the homeless. to me, FNBKL was only doing as far as one meal can go. i was not happy with just feeding them one meal in a week. some friends said i was helping them to stay homeless by giving them free food instead of getting them real work. some friends thought it is wrong to feed the addicts who are also petty thieves.

many of them were dying from AIDs and other diseases. we tried helping a few of them but most of the time they went back to drugs and their old lives. some of them disappeared from the weekly serving after we got to know them, then later we found out they died.

some of us might have experience with `soup kitchen' from overseas. i hope FNBKL can get as big as those soup kitchens.


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a place in your heart

it hurts me to see you like this.
it hurts to know that i don't know how you feel.
it hurts even more to know that i have probably never really know how you feel.
it hurts like crazy to know that i have stopped being the person you confide in at the end of the day.

i'm still here.

you've hurt me but i'm still here, you can cry on my shoulders.
yes i know it's stupid but my heart tells me to.
you may not love me anymore but i'm still the same person you talked to.

damn it, i'm still the same person.

you are feeling unjust that the world hasn't given you what you deserve for your efforts.
you are feeling tired in the head and in the mind.
you are feeling unhappy, i can tell from your face.

if only i can be that person you confide things to again...
if only.

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Wednesday, September 15, 2004

i so don't get it

Had dinner with a female companion at 1918-1920's (Zang Toi i think) cafe last night, great pasta. There was a young waiter boy who couldn't stop smiling at me the entire dinner, maybe the sadness in my hair and shoulder are very attractive.

"Women need variety in fashion, men need variety in their partners." DK, Sep 14.

I'm starting to think it's all very wrong, men and women are born so different and yet all of us (ok, some of us) want to be with an opposite sex? Men and women appreciate different things, we think so differently...we communicate differently, the list is endless.

So there, romance is all about overcoming these challenges? Then what? You failed one person, you hop on to the next one and be wistful? Then another...another one, still hopeful, try again, nah, try again.

Is that it? We have to keep trying until we find one least challenging and then we tie it all down with a golden band round our anxious finger and called it a day?

You tell me.

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Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Mortal Love

Page 215-217, Eleven Minutes, Paul Coelho.

Once upon a time, there was a bird. He was adorned with two perfect wings and with glossy, colourful, marvellous feathers. In short, he was a creature made to fly about freely in the sky, bringing joy to everyone who saw him.

One day, a woman saw this bird and fell in love with him. She watched his flight, her mouth wide in amazement, her heart pounding, her eyes shining with excitement. She invited the bird to fly with her, and the two travlled across the sky in perfect harmony. She admired and venerated and celebrated that bird.

But then she thought: He might want to visit far-off mountains! And she was afraid, afraid that she would never feel the same way about another bird. And she felt envy, envy for the bird's ability to fly.

And she felt alone.

And she thought: 'I'm going to set a trap. The next time the bird apperas, he will never leave again.'

The bird, who was also in love, returned the following day, fell into the trap and was put in a cage.

She looked at the bird every day. There he was, the object of her passion, and she showed him to her friends, who said: `Now you have everything you could possibly want.' However, a strange transformation began to take place: now that she had the bord and no longer needed to woo him, she began to lose interest. The bird, unable to fly and express the true meaning of his life, bagan to waste away and his feathers to lose their gloss; he grew ugly; and the woman no longer paid any attention, except by feeding him and cleaning out his cage.

One day, the bird died. The woman felt terribly sad and spent all her time thinking about him. But she did not remember the cage, she thought only of the day when she has seen him for the first time, flying contentedly amongst the clouds.

If she had looked more deeply into herself, she would have realised that what had thrilled her about the bird was his freedom, the energy of his wings in motion, not his physical body.

Without the bird, her life too lost all meaning, and Death came knocking at her door. `Why have you come?' she asked Death. 'So that you can fly once more iwth him across the sky.' Death replied. `If you had allowed him to come and go, you would have love and admired him even more; alas, you now need me in order to find him again.'



harvesting happiness

the call from Dublin came in at 6:50am, just nice to wake up for work. thanks love, you are one of the very few i want by my side.

"you'll find someone new before you know it :) " - sms from dublin after her phone credit ran out.

now i don't know if that would be a good thing to do: find someone new. it's great to have someone to love (i know now, i used to think love/romance was a burden) but it's quite another to depend on someone for happiness, you know, build your happiness around another person.

to be happy on my own has always been my quest until i started loving another person deeply. the feelings are always deep for me, whether it was a 3-month relationship or a two-and-a-half years relationship. it's liked once you have learned how to love someone and be happy in a relationship, you forgot how to love yourself and be happy with just that; i can't deny that the fact i was happier in a relationship than when i was alone (something i would HATE to admit three years ago).

i was happy doing my own thing outside the relationship, but the love feeling from the relationship completed the picture for me, and nurtured me. it's great sharing love.

SM's gift for me in 2001, Craig Fong's first book: Jane Wants A Boyfriend (yes, she then hand-wrote all the `t's next to all the `Jane's to customised it). the point of the story is that one should be happy and contented (and shiny) as a person before one gets a romantic partner, to grow the happiness.

as usual, something shamelessly postive at the end of my post:

"happiness is a choice, not a result."

what do you think? i'm still learning to get there.

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Monday, September 13, 2004

survivor's diary - week 2 day 1

yes, this month's postings will be pretty much be recording the dreary process of me adapting to a big change in my life. there were few major turning points in my 27 years of life so far...

tear scares and intimidates men, they don't comprehend how women can cry so much and they don't know it works. i did some research on adult crying (the bio psychosocial aspect of it), the many readings i got on the net were too technical, except for this one:

"Tears are interesting in themselves. The composition of tears is proteins (lysozyme, lipocalin and lactoferrin), enzymes, lipids, metabolites and electrolytes. The protein concentration differs between emotional tears and the tears produced by irritants. The complex composition of tears, though, differs throughout the daily cycle of human existence.

Physiologically tears are under the control of the parasympathetic nervous system, and serve to protect the eye from microbial infections. Crying as a behavioural event, is under a combination of parasympathetic and sympathetic systems. Crying prenatally occurs, thus crying itself is not necessarily a learned behaviour; it is, however, modified by socialization, context, relationships, pathology, etc."

bla bla bla

last night's conversation with justin was a reminder to buying my own place was my dream before, and now i'm actually getting there. wow, i can't remember that, "Remember the mamak? You told it's your dream to have a place of your own and I told you mine too...and we were calculating how much you need to save every month for your apartment?"

then i remember it all. yes, i remember the mamak, the half-boiled eggs and maggie goreng and telur mata Michael's. Michael's mamak store is right next to the smelly drains, right outside the apartment i was renting in pandan indah, that was 2001...he and i started hanging a lot, after the DAP-dialogue dinner at selangor club, after he came to watch me at the Music Expo 2001 singing finals (yes, justin, we women remember a LOT more).

that dream indirectly drew us together and now it is the break-up that got me closer to the dream, life is never dull. (Alanis Morisette's IRONY playing in the back ground)

maybe it's easier if i hate him, some said. i wish i hate him. at times i feel naive, and thought that maybe i don't hate him now is because i'm subconsciously hoping for a second chance. my head tells me that will not happen, is my heart trying to go the opposite way? but Monsieur justin, don't you fret, i will allow life to move on for both of us. we both deserve it la.

anyway, the place, it will not be easy, the money bit. i have only gone to see three places so far:

1. Mutiara Damansara, 750sf, range: RM115k-RM125k (new leasehold)
2. Bandar Puchong, 850sf, RM140k (new freehold, with a pool!!!!)
3. Jalan Ipoh, 900sf, RM155k (10-year-old-free-hold, furnished partially)

when i get a place, it will be beautiful and meaningful. it will mean so much to me: a reward for my growing pains, a consolation for the failed relationship, a symbol of independence (expensive), a potential for better life ahead...

"A little fall of rain, can hardly hurt me now. The rain will make the flowers grow."
- lyrics from Les Mis'

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Friday, September 10, 2004

relearning a life lived

as i sat in front of my workstation at 7pm on this Friday, delaying the plan of going back, to that house, i realised this might be the beginning of my revisiting of the days of solitary life.

i was living alone (renting a room in an apartment) for over three years, up to the point where a boy i respected a lot came down with a bad case of slip disc and called out for my love. i moved in there with LOVE boy and i found a family in his house. it was the happiest times of my life. i grew and i glowed.

i have forgotten how i made peace with myself, my grand philosophies of `happiness-in-singlehood' life have left me when i got the first taste of real couplehood and the community of family. now slowly i remember my endless weekend afternoons and evenings spent in the small cosy apartment room, reading, dozing off, waking up, checking if anyone rang me on my mobile for a cuppa.

they say this is the worst kind of suffering, loneliness. the sound of it send shivers down my spine. i remember the pain.

you see, you can only spend so many hours alone reading books in your room. ok, maybe this time i'll even get a TV and maybe even DVD player but i can't watch TV for more than 2 hours, i get headache. maybe i can finally volunteer at SPCA.

i used to cheer single friends on and encourage them to be happy with their status. i wish i could use that advise now.

and since moving into that relationship, my social life has shrank to a number of friends i can count with two hands. i didn't see the need to be seen at parties anymore, i didn't feel like i need to get out there and do things. i was happy in my own little world of love. did i forget to grow? i was still doing what i like, singing, going to theatres, travelling...i just limited my friends circle.

i will learn how to do it again, the solitary life; hopefully this time with more grace and confidence. i will dazzle again at parties, attend readings, watch movies on my own, read a book in the weekend, take time in my chores, take slow walks in my favourite part of town, attend rehearsals, cook, sing, dream and laugh.




(for a laugh, serious and interested party please leave your details in comment box)


Looking for a new home, adult/grown 27-year-old female, brown skin, reasonable built (ok ok, 5"2' in height and 46kg in weight), straight black hair of reasonable length, requires daily intake of reasonable amount of vegetables, beans and other non-meat food products; easily self-entertained; showers twice a day, no BO; low maintainance -- just need hugs and cuddles; has tendency to sing loudly in her sleeping quarter once a day, doesn't snore; good in experimental cooking, can clean the kitchen reasonably well; can hold conversations in english, bahasa melayu, mandarin, cantonese, some hokkien, french (learning), italian (learning), german (learning still), owns valid driving and motorbike license; personality type: ENTP (and changing); criminal record: none.


from another blog...

Welcome to Jikon

SM recommended reading the entries at Jikon's site, another person who's going through a separation. The post entitled [Remembering], dd Sep 9.

He posted a reader's comment there, reads like this:

"The situation you find yourself in was one that i had put someone else in. It's been almost two years and i still punish myself by wondering each day how she is and regretting the pain i caused her. All that you have blogged on your feelings in the aftermath...I'm sure she shares/d. I hope your ex is reading your blog. As the dump-er, it serves as a reality check for the raw pain that one decision can inflict, no matter how rational and justified the reasoning. - from a reader"


Thursday, September 09, 2004

vissi d'arte

am watching the videos of a recent singing competition. so amazed at my fellow candidates, some of exudes so much diva aura at their age (younger than me, that is).

one of the more interesting part about joining a singing competition (art song singing competition, that is, not karaoke king/malaysian-idol/etc) is the interaction with other singers. it always, always amazes me to no end when i watch a girl singing her heart out on stage in front of judges and audience, with so much stage presence and know, the diva-like quality (i say diva-like because technically, none of us/them are REAL divas yet) when just minutes ago we both waited at backstage, she was all quiet, demure and introverted-looking. then bamm!!!!! she transformed into a shiny song-bird, impressing everyone to pieces with her flying notes, emotions and facial expressions.

when i first took the stage in 2000, i was too nervous to pay attention to others, let alone make friends. it took me years to learn how to enjoy this bitter-sweet road of competing in competitions. these days i know all the girls in the line-up and waiting back stage is no longer a cold business.

i have learned from all these back-stage experiences to never judge a singer base on my encounter with her `backstage-personality'. i also learned how to make friends with stage rivals, note: they might always look unfriendly but all i need to do is to smile and try my best mandarin on them and voila! new friend!

the not-so light-hearted part of this business being the results. reality bites. in many ways, there are no braver souls than suckers like me and the rest who willingly put our arts out there for the panel to place a score to your performance, year after year. those who `got out of the rat race' are usually past winners who now aim for regional and international competitions, overseas conservatories, castings in big time operas, etc.

i swear to myself after losing in 2000 that i will not ever go back to that sick hall full of conservative and strange chinese (judges, singers, parents, pianists, loud aunties). well, i forgot why i went back to compete again after a year. anyway i was happy i made it to the finals in my second attempt and thought i would be happy as a finalist. i went back for the third time and when i stayed only as a finalist in the district level, i cried and then realised that i've arrived. i have bloody finally grew competitive, competitive enough to want to go back and compete again. i've acquired the fighting-cock attitude that my coach want in all his students.

last year i studied the video recording of the final round at district level, i watched myself (of course i cringed so much watching that i only managed after hours) and i watched the top placing singers. i watched how they moved, how every lift of hand complements each line, each lift of eye brows makes the notes prettier (Evelyn Toh stole my heart singing "Ebben ne andro lontana..."). i paid attention to what kind of dresses look better on stage and what accessories were obstacles.

this year i bought an on-sale Beatrice Looi silk dress and went to yet another battle. i have not seen the video recording yet but the dress made me feel like a diva on stage. i made it to final and for the final round i dressed as the love-sick and flirtatious page boy Cherubino (Marriage of Figaro). the thick winter jacket was really useful in the cold back stage and i felt free in a man's costume. i was happy with my performance...the high notes still did not ring round the hall the way i wanted them, but i know i will get there in time.

this time i took a step forward, i got a placing finally!!! 4th placing and on my way to the national finals in december!!!

what better excuse to buy more diva dresses!!!!




"we are all caretakers of relationships. we don't own the person we are with and we don't own the relationship." - CM, Sep 8, 2004

"for the love you bring won't mean a thing until you sing, sing, sing..." - Travis

"you can't love someone who is screwed up in his mind; torn between himself and all his obligations. until he becomes a self actualized person, knows and gets what he wants, he cannot love another person properly." - SM, Sep 9, 2004

"some of us just have to live a normal life with demons in our heart." - JL, Sep 8, 2004

"don't be jaded. the only thing you can carry with you that would be valuable would be your capacity to love." - SM, Sep 9, 2004

"thailand where wor??" - ST, Sep 9, 2004 :)

"am i in love with the person or the experience of loving the person? maybe i'm in love being the person's lover?? CM what you think?" - JL, Sep 8, 2004


Wednesday, September 08, 2004

let's talk about love

i don't know what did it, but i feel at least 20 times better today, maybe starting my day early has something to do with it. :)

there is at least some calmness and peace in my mind, so far so good.

i remember reading a good book used to lift my spirits. maybe [Eleven Minutes] is having its effect on me. again, i recommend the book. now at page 135, would have finished the book last night if not for the dinner at Paris. the company at dinner was REALLY good, thanks love, was what i needed yesterday.

later after dinner, justin came home. we discussed [Eleven Minutes] and i felt very good after that. i would love to share more of this book here but i think its words would lose their meanings in excepts, you just gotta read the book. it's a little disturbing at first but if you are smart enough to see, our world/civilisation IS disturbing. (page 88)

like most women, i want to believe in true love/romance that last a life-time. the elderly advice is that marriages (strictly in the case of marriages = married couples) that last do not depend on romance that is bottomless, it's the sense of responsibility/duty that hold the institution together. people who divorce in the name that the love has ran out in the relationship strive to live with romance. people change, love and romance will run thin for some couples...we keep changing partners because we want to be with people we love, when we stop loving the person we are with, we break up and move on to the next hopeful. some people believe in `the one' in life, some people believe in `one great love'. what's your religion?

recommended documentaries on the topic:
1. [The Science of Seduction] - Discovery Channel
2. [The Science of Sex]- Discovery Channel
3. [The Science of Love]- Discovery Channel

though human beings are gifted with conscience that animals do not have, there are many similarities in the mating behaviour of human beings and animals. the male species are born to spread seeds, females are born to nurture and bring up the young. whether we like it or not, men are programmed to be unfaithful, so why bother?

of course, life is more complicated than that. in Samantha Jones' school of thought, men are for a fuck, females are for friendships.

confused now. any wise one?

marriage is not a solution nor a mean to an end. it's for the brave ones, the hopeful ones, the religious ones, the dumb ones....if you can get a divorce after all the trouble of getting married, why marry? for security? how funny. for me, it only make sense to get married (undergo whatever desired ceremony, take and make whatever romantic vows, throw a big party to announce your love for each other) if you are certain this person:

1. will be the only person you love and you want to stay with till your dying day.
2. will love back and want to be with you until his/her dying day.

but people change, the world changes, there's no certainty in life, only death and taxes. so why get married?

i asked justin if he would/might one day marry someone, he said:" I hope not." i smiled, he is the same person one i knew.

my sincerest wish to all married ones, may you stay with the person you are married to and may your love last for a lifetime.

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Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Paul Coelho

Puteh is free!!! she was running all over the place when i went HOME last night...i can't call it anything else, it's my home for the past two and a half years.

Alex and I assembled Mama's new made in malaysia cabinet last night. There are two more to be put together for books that didn't make it in the glass book-cabinet.

where is home after this break up?

Reading my second Paul Coelho novel: Eleven Minutes, my first was Veronika Decides To Die. `Eleven' is so good, no kidding, i'm only at page 65 but i'm telling you it's damn good.

The first line that threw me off my seat from the book:

(page 9)
"Life moves very fast. It rushes us from heaven to hell in a matter of seconds." (now you can say that i can relate to that!)



it's been said in many ways, many style...but basically, my heart is broken, but i'm not.

time will heal everything. i've been dumped. my face look like it's been ran over by a truck. i feel like i got ran over.

(`I Will Survive' playing in the background, if this is a movie/TV drama)

action plan: justin and i will help ME get my own place, a cheapo flat or something hopefully. you see then, whatever shit happens, i have my own pad to run to. i realised recent years that i'm fear of change. well, change is what i'll have and it would be good for me. damn it, because i say so.

isn't this the biggest irony of all? my last post was on the room we share, now we are both planning to get out of there...yes, he is also planning to get out of this new place.

thought this seems like a bad case...i'm sure i will see the silver-lining soon. i have so much more to live for. music and pasta!!!



Monday, September 06, 2004

the COOLEST place on earth

Justin's new place is very nice. Nice and spacious. The irony is that he and I picked the smallest (aside from the guest room which is off the same size) room. Though small, it's literally the coolest room in the whole house. The whole week while he was away, I slept with both the ceiling fan and air-conditioning off every night.

Puteh (a canine with white fur) has a friend next door, Archie is a black dog. Archie fancies coming over to our garden through this dog-hole, in every sense of the word -- a hole between the fencing that separates the two back yards. The irony for Puteh is that, she was used to let loose at the smaller, old house (a semi-detached house where she would roam the back yard and spend a lot of time sleeping in the piano-room/maid-room/store-room/back-room) whereas now that she's moved to this spacious split-level bungalow...she's chained up most of the day. I asked Mama (Justin's granny, minister of the domestic affairs ministry) why, apparently Puteh has this notorious (new) hobby of digging/playing with soil from the planters box placed in the compound. Maybe I can look around for a dog-training manual...

One of the perks that came with the house is the bloodsucker community. Justin has a record of killing over 20 mosquitoes in 10 minutes at the old house, he would be up to his neck here.

Back to my room. It has the best view, in my opinion. It faces the back yard, which has a nice view of our neighbour's tall handsome tree with romantic foliage (what tree I don't know la), on a morning when my curtain is not drawn closed, it's a nice picture to wake up to...then when I lather up shampoo in the bath room, I can still see the tree from the window there.

The neighbour on the left has a cool deep green color-tiled pool at the front of their house, the whole house is enveloped in huge tall green plants...whatever I can see from my side of the house (I've not been inside their gate) is either dark wood color or yellow beiger. No dogs it seem.

Back to the house, I call the first floor hall area the `the-reception-area-where-on-one-hangs-out', it has a big and long chandelier hanging down, it's so low I can touch the crystal. The lonely piano is there, the power plug waiting to be replaced. Justin's parents and his brother sleep up here in two big rooms. Speaking of big, I have the biggest bathroom in the house, haha, I like this picture: the biggest bathroom in the smallest bedroom! Wicked.

The dining and living areas, downstairs right outside Justin and my room is the most happening place, because the kitchen, the glass books cabinet and the TV are all there. Our room is in the heart of all recreations/entertainment: food, books and Astro!!! What more can I ask for?!!

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the list

on my Sep 1st posting titled: `the dark side' i made a list of things i have/haven't given in, i would like to add one more to the lisT:

still hanging on to my good old non-digital camera (Olympus mju:II), the rest of the world (my circle of friends, at least) seemes to have been converted to digital camera-owners. they all bla-bla-bla at me a long list of why digital camera is so much better, less wastage, more features, more convenient...aiya, i duno la, i still like snapping away and not knowing how they'd turned out and gasped at the few good shots when i get them at the print-shop.

old list:

thirteen years after i started a no-meat (no seafood also) diet i haven't given (back) into a mixed diet.

finally a citizen of the road after 9 years in klang valley. i was the wonder of other KL folks on people like us (me and SeeMing) survive the KL public transport without a car. life's been a dream since december 2003 when i got Sunny Boy.


Friday, September 03, 2004

old realisations

Anwar is free!!!

I gotta find a way to set my Sangkancil subscription to daily digest, poor server can't take it!

Am addicted to reading my old diaries -- now my bedtime story book. I was a little shocked to read stuff about myself that I can't recall, if not for those pages, in my own hand-writing. I find it creepy that I have forgotten how I felt back then...I didn't remember how miserable I was, funny how most people remember me as the sunny-face in any group.

1998-1995 - angry teen series

1996-1999 - the men-hating years

2000-2001 - confused

2002-current - Discovery series :)

am happy that my angry days are over.

Today's teaching from Marcus Aurelius' [Meditations]:

"An angry look on the face is wholly against nature. If it be assumed frequently, beuaty begins to perish, and in the end is quenched beyond rekindling. You must try to realise that this shows the unreasonableness of it; for if we lose the ability to perceive our faults, what is the good of living on?"


Thursday, September 02, 2004

a very BIG subject

I want to talk about something, it's a big subject, on human emotional attachment to materials...

Poor Sunny Boy got broken in again, this time in PJ sec 17, outside Justin's place. The damage:

1. Of course, the coins in the coin-box, about RM20.
2. Of course, again, my sun shades, this time is MNG shades, bought during sale, RM40. The last pair I lost in my car was bought in the funky Hong Kong, about RM60.
3. Naf Naf jacket, RM110.
4. Touch-n-Go card, value RM26.50.

They didn't take (surprise-surprise):

1. MNG Ugh boots, RM475
2. Low-yatt plaza Austin-power-color flat-shoes, RM50

What's the emotional attachment we all have with certain material objects in our lives, everyday-life? My theory is: what matters to us is the feelings they bring us when we are using/wearing/eating/etc these objects. Eg. my attachment to my (my ex, now that it's gone) MNG shades is the confidence I have whenever I put in it on, whenever a friend compliment on it makes me feel a little more achieved, more feeling good about yourself = happiness.

If you do this like a mathematical equation, it would look like this:

MNG glasses = confidence/feeling-stylish = feeling about myself = (ok, i admit, it's short-term) happiness

hence, today I lost my MNG glasses,

no MNG glasses = loss of confidence = feeling naked without my glasses/feel lousy = depression


ok I suppose that sucks. That's not the reality, life is more complicated than a straight forward mathematical equation.

The real impact of the incident is that it makes me think hard about what my belongings mean to me. I fear myself getting more and more attached to materials.

I should start a forum on this subject.

Back to the story:

When I saw the driver's door ajar and the mess in the car, I quickly pulled open the door and look at the door pocket where I usually place my CD folder, it's gone. My heart sank and I sat down, controlling tears. My CDs!!!! Again!!!! My most precious items in the car aside from the super-duper CD player.

Feeling violated, I moved my gaze to my bag next to me....hang on, hang the fuck on, WHEeeewwwww, my CDs are safe with me. The CD folder is in my bag!! Now I remember taking the folder into the house with me last night. I could kiss the ground, what relieve!! CDs are more than just money-invested, some of them are irreplaceable.

We shall talk about other kind of attachments/obsessions on another day.

Mournfully yours, (cheers!!)


Wednesday, September 01, 2004

The Love Language

I'm bursting with posts, whaya expect, first day maaa.

My boss Kian Yew bought everyone ice-cream and we camped out at the reception while eating. I started the ball rolling by questioning the significance of birthday gifts, espcially in romantic relationships, he answered:"Depending on the couple's love language."

I know of the theory but not the rest of the he gave an impromptu workshop on:

The Five Love Languages
(In no particular orde)

1. Quality time
2. Act of service
3. Physical touch
4. Gifts
5. Words of affirmation

Which of the above appeal to you in a relationship? The theory is: Say, your love language is words of affirmation, you'll feel loved when you receive words of affirmation. OK, it's no rocket science to guess the objective of this exercise of finding one's love language is to enable us to match each other's language and have a good relationship. The thing is, how many of us know of this?

I'll bug Kian Yew to bring the questionaire (to find out your own love language, apparently you can't figure it out by guessing -- there's a set questions to help you find out).

"Love the one you are with."



Testing 123 & random thoughts

See if this works, email my posting to the blog without going online.

Just like when i first got my `Speak French in 3 months', i couldn't leave
this site for an hour. Girlfriends are excited over my new acquisition of
the site.

Stayed home on National Day to sort out books for the entire family
(Justin's family) for their new book cabinet. First shelf started with his
mom's 4 antique dolls, one of them has to sit on something to be steady,
so Adrian's (yes I've been having his book since 2001, me think) Complete
Works of Oscar Wilde went under the doll's cute ass. Too thin to give the
support I want (!!!!!), I replaced that with my collection of Penguin
classics: Diary of A Nobody, To The Lighthouse, Lady Chatterley's Lover,
Fanny Hill and Diary of Dorian Gray.

then i found my diary (1997-1999) in one of the boxes. I spend my last
hour before I hit the sack last night reading my entries...some of them
make me blush. I was such an angry late teen (??) and I was sooo eager
for male attention, it seemed. I remember what life was like back then
but reading it in details is just, more in my face...good thing is, the
reading makes you appreciate everything more.

also found was `Meditations - Marcus Aurelius', misplaced (apparently I
packed it) since before we moved. I will post the first teaching here,
from page one:

"Begin each day by telling yourself: Today I shall be meeting with
interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and
selfishness -- all of them due to the offenders' ignorance of what is good
or evil. But for my part I have long perceived the nature of good and its
nobility, the nature of evil and its meanness, and also the nature of the
culprit himself, who is my brother (not in the psychical sense, but as a
fellow-creature similarly endowed with reason and a share of the divine);
therefore none of these things can injure me, for nobody can implicate me in
what is degrading. Neither can I be angry with my brother or fall foul of
him; for he and I were born to work together, like a man's two hands, feet,
or eyelids, or like the upper and the lower rows of his teeth. To obstruct
each other is against Nature's Law -- and what is irritation or aversion but
a form of obstruction?"


the dark side

...i gave in, me being here, a blog spot. Finally, i thought i was above this -- the frenzy phenomena of blogging, reading blogs, bloggers' gathering...i was an outsider, now i'm part of it!!!! welcome to the dark side?

does this system provide a spell-check device or the equivelant?? man i need a spell-check, till then you guys just have to guess what i say should i misspelled a word.

speaking of giving into things, i can make a list of things i have/have-not given in:

thirteen years after i started a no-meat (no seafood also) diet i haven't given (back) into a mixed diet.

finally a citizen of the road after 9 years in klang valley. i was the wonder of other KL folks on people like us (me and SeeMing) survive the KL public transport without a car. life's been a dream since december 2003 when i got Sunny Boy.

list to be continued...stay tuned.


An Era of Bloggers

"To blog or not to blog?", I asked myself in my diary....the one I saved in microsoft office word-doc. Here I am, trying it out.

Till my next entry...