Year 2020: Grief, Duty & Growth

Year 2020 is a year of grief, duty, and growth for me.  At the end of it, if I have the luxury to do absolutely what I want - I’d like to go somewhere for a month, being alone, to do nothing but read, cry my heart out, and read, repeat the cycle (and some water and food whenever I need). 

Grief.  Who isn’t grieving these days, I feel cheap just talking about it.  What’s new honey.  Everyone is going through it, all of us with different bags of grief, in all shapes and sizes.  Nonetheless, and therefore, I need to honor it - if I am to talk about what the year has been for me.  It has robbed me of inner peace, and joy; but it makes living so real, grounded, and precious.  Grief and depressiveness - they make you treasure your life more (at least that’s how it is for me) - every time I emerge from the low points of downs, I acknowledge all the blessings in my life.

Some of the subjects of my grief are not suitable for public consumption, some are. 

Can’t say if it’s because the figure of Justin is too large to be wrestled out of my focus or it’s just been the lack of focus in my life this year; or could it be that it’s the 10th year since he passed.  I don’t know. 

I think of him a lot this year.  The common sense method would point to the facts:  1) It’s COVID year, I’m left with no work so I have too much time to wallow in the memories of him 

2) It’s been a decade since he passed 

Whatever it is, this has been a hard year, living with myself, missing him.

Moving on.

Duty.  The duty of being a living, an able living daughter of my aging parents.  And as my own aging 43-year-human.  Learning the duty of being an adult offspring to my dementia mother and my frustrated father.  

Apart from performing the basics in duties as caretakers, alongside my siblings and friends, I’ve learned how to find the joy in making friends with my folks, and foster a healthier relationship with my duty, and with these two almost-strangers in my household.  I’ve discovered a sense of peace and joy in taking care of things (parents and their needs) that I’ve never experienced before.  It is a sense of service.  The reward I get for being of service to others, in this case, my very own family.

I give thanks to circumstances of year 2020, for granting this brand new experience and emotion to my human existence. 

Growth. Growth = maturity.  My default and most inner self is a clueless 8-year-old, who pretends to be a grownup everyday.  This year, with all the time away from being a show woman (although I did get to perform several times this year) and show producer, I was forced to face all the outstanding and imminent workplace issues that I have swept under the carpet of ‘we are too busy to deal with it’. 

Growth comes from doing the difficult, and the uncomfortable.  I literally had to grow up overnight, when faced with existing problems being spun out of control at the start of the year.  Through MCO and all the months followed, I had to learn how to pick up the pieces, and understand what taking control of my own life means.  Even up to this every point, I’m still learning.  But the past 11 months and more, I’ve had more practical (and impromptu) tests than ever.  

Having maturity means dealing with a problem face on, and talking about it calmly, objectively.  None of these I knew how to do before.  I’ve been blessed with an enormous community of angels (wise friends, real friends) who held my hand through my wading in the deep water.

This entry is just the main thrust of what the year has been.  Give myself a bit more time, I want to write about the things I am thankful for and a list of valuable life lessons  I’ve learned.  

More to come.  I write, therefore I am. 

Have a peaceful new year. I wish you lots of zen and joy.

Detach emotion from your duty, can you do that?

 "Okay, you are an empath, good and bad."

I broke it down for Shaz to understand why I was feeling so so lousy.  Chatting over WhatsApp.

I realised I am such an angry person.  Afraid I will now start to analyse all my action and behaviour through the lens of questioning.  "Am I doing this to disguise my deeply angry and unhappy self?"  "Am I truly at ease?  Am I really having a blissful moment or am I sweeping something dark under the carpet?" 

Conversation: 

me: i just realised i'm such an angry person - watching them living out their old age , bicker..bitter and stuck with each other - and stuck in this life.  makes me feel angry, and guilty

Shaz: 

"Sounds harsh, but you need to detach."

me: i was detaching all this while...OR SO I THOUGHT I WAS. 

Shaz: "Detach your duty from emotion." 

me: I always just provide food, chit-chats.  I don't ask them much.  then I go about my own things. I didnt realise it disturbs me so much until tonight.   Shocking.  I pun tak tau, I was so pissed off... I dunno, is it healthy for me in the long term - to detach emotions from my duty?

Shaz: The pissed part - I don't understand.  Disappointed, I could bridge that emotion.

me: the pissed off part, is at myself.  

Shaz: why?

me: for feeling annoyed and pity.  I break it down, I think it's like this - i think they are stuck with each other - and i feel they are suffering and i feel guilty that i dont bother to do much to improve, or help.  and then i react to incidents, and I try to detach...

try to detach, then feel guilty that I am detaching, and then feel angry that I want to detach in the first place.  Semua tu.  hey, i am glad that i am talking to you to analyse this - coz i am feel very lousy, was feeling very lousy - just now

Shaz: "Okay, you are an empath, good and bad."

me: i know there so many people worse off, and situations much worse than this.  But ya, this is me. 

Shaz: 

"

Okay

(You) <---->(your mum)

(You) <---->(your dad)

Say in a world that you are only responsible of the arrow in between.

Reacting responsibly within that framework the best that you can .

Can you live with yourself with that?

"

me: ..I don't understand this, my head hurts...

Shaz: "The arrow is your interactions, i.e. the words that you use, action , behaviour, help etc. Independent of outcome, you act with your best estimate of positive outcome. Can you live with yourself with that?

me: that's basically detachment, right?  but in more words...

This is my next big big lesson to take on - this season.  Glad I am making a record of this feeling, it sucks bad.  But I will give myself a break now.  

Good night diary.  

Letters number one hundred and thirty-five: Ten years ago today

Dearest J, 

Before the day is out, to make a note, to make a scribble of something on the timeline, of another moment in time.

It has not been an easy day.  A day shrouded in pain in more ways than one.  

The pinched nerve on my upper back, persistent and stubborn.  The hangover migraine from last night's drinking on empty-stomach after my show with Cher Siang at The Curiosity.  Yet another episode of lip-swelling, felt like the worst of all cases so far.

And the pain of missing you.

It's starting to blur - the shape and touch of missing you - of what is it that I am missing.  

I gave myself a few moments of good crying today.  It's been a while since I just sit here and concentrate on missing you. 

The body is stinging from a fatigue of stress, overthinking, overdoing, inflammation, and all forms of personal hell.   Typing these out is a horrendous sight to my eyes but I want to document this.  This too shall pass. 

I guess the hollowing fact that this is ten-year mark of your departure is weighing down on me.  Painful as it is, I need to allow the emotion to pass through me.  The weight of sadness eats into my flesh, and the throbbing of my pinched nerve is a literal message of the pain.

Believe me, telling you all these is far from fun.  Like I said, I want to document this moment in my personal history.  

Could not bring myself to see anyone from your family today.  I stayed away.  Your mom told me there was going to be a picnic at the columbrian.  

I peeled myself from the bed at 920am to a breakfast at Wild Yeast Bakery, to meet with those who wanted to be with me this morning.  Went to bed past 3am, I was drunk beyond my realisation.  When I cannot recall how I got into bed then, I knew how bad it was last night.

I should continue another time.  I need to physically remove myself from this screen and attempt some form of rest - although resting can sometimes be a challenge, but try I must.

Today came and, going off.  I am tired, but keep living I will.

Just let me wallow a little today.  I promise I will get up and get going tomorrow....or when I am done resting just a little.

Yours, 

B 

A WIP Jigsaw Puzzle

Decluttering for parents has got me more than I bargained for.

From feeling disgusted by the amount and the type of 'thrash' they have amassed, to feeling assimilated by reading their old correspondences.

We have the kind of experiences and outlooks of things that separate us as persons, now I see that we have had all experienced the kind of emotional turmoils that have bind us as humans and as family.

Throwing out years of scribbled hand written recipes (mom), and tissue papers (mom), old work documents (dad), and a mountain of indescribable junk - though I was disgusted during the act of cleaning itself.   Now two days later back at my own station, with my own junk - I feel, a sense of recognition that what my parents are - is a part of who I am.

As much as I have always see myself as someone worlds apart from my own family, in terms of behaviour, talents and values; I now see more layers of truth to this.  As different as we all are, through the rummaging of artefacts and thrash, I am somehow compelled to embrace the differences as part of me.

In the years I have spent away from parents and not knowing them, now comes the seasons for me to get to know them in their waning years, through our challenging re-adoption of each other, and us kids going through the old documents of their yesteryears.

My sister says it's like a detective story where the detectives piece together clues and evidence of a whole, and big picture.  A jigsaw puzzle of who our parents are.

So what's in it for me?

In this work-in-progress jigsaw puzzle, I hope to find pieces of clues about myself.  Things about my family and their past that might offer some insights into my personal struggles and challenges...and help me find some light in my dark days.

How are you?

A good friend asked me "how are you?" over WhatsApp and I wanted to give an honest and thorough answer, so I decided to blog my answer.

How am I, as per today, 8:27am of June 13.

(Many many "I" in this answer, I am aware it's self-absorbed while it is honest.  But to answer 'How Are You' - it is a look into what is happening inside my head, inside me)

I miss having an income.  Why?  Because I was used to spending the way I wished, whenever I wished.  I am aware that I am spoilt.  Not having any income now forces me to be more sensible with cash, it's character building while it is worrying.

I miss Justin.  Yesterday was his birthday.  He would have been 48.  I still sometimes wonder if he were around, whether we'd still be together.  I have a feeling that we would be.

I feel helpless, learning about what is happening in the world now.  Many bad news aren't really news, it's shit that has been around for ages but now more of the bad shit has flogged the world at the same time (is it really?) and that overwhelms me.

I wonder if I am trying enough to do the right thing in these times, about money.  I know what is "right" can be different for different people.  Not all, but so many colleagues of mine in the arts community has created new income platforms for themselves.  Me? Nada.  I find myself using the excuse of 'need to take care of my parents' whenever I try to start a conversation with myself about other means of income.  And then I get myself distracted...

With work.  Work that is work that is non-profit-generating.  If it isn't money-making, can I still call it work?  (Well, a full-time mother's day to day labour does not bring in money but you damn well will call that work, ain't it?)

I am learning and getting slightly better at not complaining about people, and things that happen to me.  Things are things, and it is on me how I set my attitude in dealing with things, and people.

I am not sure if I am taking good care of myself, heath wise.  I have to do better in taking care of my digestion, and increase the intake of fresh fruits, and control the amount of junk food I indulge in.

What else?  How am I?

I think I am actually really ok.  I am learning to live well from hour to hour.  I target to be well in the moment.  Count, and list my blessings whenever I hit a bump on the hour.  My list of blessings is a long one.

I have set up a daily timetable that I am happy with, and feel good when I work well with it.  It has helped me through on days when I am swaying.

I have taken the time to write this long and thorough (I think) answer, I'm 20 minutes behind my morning routine.  But it's worth it.  This is a mental workout for me, and probably a bit of philosophical meditation too.

Thank you for asking me how I'm doing, how about you?  How are YOU?

Letters number one hundred and thirty-four: The days go on (it's 2020)

Dearest J,

I checked.  My last letter to you, was June 29, 2018.  That's crazy.  Crazy long while ago.

Of course I know you cannot hear me.  Just that it still serves a bit of comfort for me to start an entry with "Dearest J".   I read a bit of my old entries while searching for the last entry when I wrote you.  The letter number one hundred and thirty-three.

Was not in a good place earlier, so I tucked the phone away and watched Breakfast At Tiffany's on Netflix.  Enjoyed the good cry, mixing my own tears with tears for them characters.

Don't know how to break the news to you, but I do feel like I've failed you somewhat.  This is the 10th year since our 'separation' and I cannot say that I am in a 'better place' yet.

Moments such as tonight.  I am afraid to face myself.

I started writing some diary sometimes.  Like, really writing them, with a nice pen.  I wrote to myself: feel like a freak show, a lone woman so far removed from love.

I've been hurt lately, by an innocent remark from someone I'm close to.  A honest opinion from this friend on my state of things with men, or the lack of; possibly due to my behaviour...of my mind.

Back to why I feel like I've failed you.

The further I am from you, in the aspect of distance in time, the further I feel plunged in the abyss of darkness of the mind.  One that was so well hidden I didn't know it was there.

So often that I announce that I am not one who needs the conventional relationship, I believe it myself.  I still think that even now.

If so, how come at the slightest poke of an honest comment about no wonder I am alone, because the way I am pushes people away - broke me into pieces?  I have to be hiding some dark gaping wounds to be this easily pushed.

It's ego.  Always the ego right?

Afraid to let go.

Afraid to admit that I too need what all the girls around me want.  They want to share themselves with someone, they want to go home to a husband some days.

My need for solitude seems real enough.  I feel at ease and at peace with all the space at home for myself.  Is this the same thing with wanting to be alone?

I wish I could print a headline, announce it to everything and everyone - that I don't have much held together.  I am a clueless fuck about most things in my life.  I don't know what I want and I don't even know if that is true or I'm lying to myself.

Meanwhile, I cannot take off and go to a hole and figure it out.  I've gone too far down the road of engaging in 'adulting' activities that I don't have the luxury of 'just stop'.

Parents are old now and needing care, a lot of time.  And money.

No time for fucking around with shit like that.

My favourite line of late - This too shall pass.

No one has asked me or made me pretend that I got my shits together.  I have done unto myself this burden of looking and walking confident in life.

I told Winnie and a few friends a few nights ago that - the worst feeling I have with you not around me anymore, is that - I can no longer turn to you at moments of chaos and doubts, to ask you what should I do.  You've said many times you too don't have answers for me.  But to have you there to stand taller than me and to admit that you don't know better than me - was comforting and assuring.

But worry not.  For this shall pass soon.  Life is too busy.

Till the next dark cloud comes.  I have ways to distract myself.  I deleted Tinder app again from the phone.  I can read more books.

I might get some help.  I will be fine.

Wish you were here.

Love,

B

Going Deep Into The Mental

A script for my Miss Cakap Banyak Diary @ Jan 28

Happy Chinese new year and happy holiday if you're still on holiday.

This is going to be a special episode of diary, I am going to talk about something a bit serious.  In fact, not only serious but it's borderline...disturbing.

But like many things, you need to disrupt, make a mess before some good can come.

Well in this case I hope I am heading to that direction of bringing better things to come.

I want to share with you today, and admit to myself today that I have issues.

What issues?

The thing is, I myself don't know the whole of it - I just know that deep inside me, buried under all my surface composure of being the energetic, talkative, friendly person that we see outside -- there are a bunch of stuff that are bubbling in deep water.

Sometimes this shit gets so hot it comes up to the surface and make an unpleasant mess and then goes away.  When it surfaces, it gets my attention for a bit, I'd self reflect and make a note of the problem.  Sometimes I keep a diary of the incident and my thoughts, sometimes I make a conversation with a friend on the matter and get an insight from another person's perspective - that always helps.

OK so you are watching and thinking, what the fuck is she on and on about?

Basically, in the wake of some recent and not so recent, but recent enough string of events of both, at professional and personal capacity where I was in the middle of unpleasant conflicts.  To be more specific, I would name myself the catalyst of the conflicts and disagreements.

Now isn't that a pretty way of saying that I have discovered what an asshole I have been.

(side effect of having started watching The Crown on Netflix, you get all proper with your English)

 But ya seriously, I have spent some time thinking and asking myself how and why did I end up here - a certified asshole.

The usual suspects came to mind - my ego and my insecurities getting out of balance.   Being able to pin point the source, the root of what cause my behaviour to get out of hand, is a good start - but just that alone won't solve the problem.

I look around at other areas of my life, and lifestyle where I feel much out of balance and not where I like it be - my incessant restlessness and the desire to control things, and people.  Much as I know I have improved ever so slightly in past years, it is still far from healthy.  I want to do better.

We are at most times, the cause of what happens to us.  Our beliefs turn into behaviour and our behaviour manifest into our reality.

I have problem letting things be, my mind is an overheated oven all the time.  When I fall sick I have a lot of difficulties resting and healing.

Someone whose sense I trust, told me yesterday - that she can see that I have a front, this thing that I do to control my own emotions.  Means my interaction with the outside world, is a controlled front that I have subconsciously created for myself and for others.

Basically this means, I have received signs and warnings from a series of incidents that are calling for me to pay attention, pay a lot more attention to my mind.

Honestly it feels a bit scary because I am already a walking overheated overthinking machine, now I have to THINK MORE?

No, I now have to LEARN how to THINK the right things, for better mental health.

I want to get to the inside of my mental, and find the root of my deep issues - the real source of my deep set restlessness, my obsession with being in control of everything, my disability to let things be, let it flow.

So, laying the headline of the problem is a start.  I don't quite know what I will do next.  I have some ideas and I am nervous.  I want to learn mediation, I want to make time for a silent retreat this year - I hope soon.

Thank you for listening and watching.  If you have thoughts about whatever I just share - anything at all.  You can write to me, comment, private message.

I wish you peace and joy.

Accepting the terms, what ageing is

Funny how life is like a mystery and detective novel, where one gets the explanation and answers to an earlier unsolved mystery many pages, chapters down the book.

I was quite miffed about my mom's non reaction after having sat on the front row of my Cinnabar Rouge concert, on opening night and on the same week of our birthdays, April of 2017.  I was waiting for days and weeks for some comments from her about my sparkling and dazzling career milestone.  Nothing.  Much later, I heard from sister that she uttered something close to the effect of "Your sister is such a brave thing, to be able to sing and dance in front of so many people."

Three years later, it took yet another...post festive season sibling row (me and brother) self-reflection for me to come to light...

Of course there was hardly any visible reaction from my mother towards my display of talent in the concert.  She would have been overwhelmed and too distracted by her increasingly crowded mind.  Alzheimer was coming onto her.  I was oblivious to it all then.  She wore dark shades on the front row, having just been out of a single eye cataract operation - she would have been super disoriented and in discomfort.

With so much noise in her head, what dazzling commentary could I have possibly asked of her?  Only if I knew better then.  I was self-absorbed and clueless.

It's all clearer now.

I am still coming to terms with this now not-new thing about mom.  I think I am doing well.

Dad is still mostly quite the alert and active one, and he too is learning lots in coping with all the changes.  Bless his soul.

FB post earlier today:

My earliest memories of my parents’ relationship is that they argued a great deal. So much so that it was the norm in the household for me - listening to the bickering. But there was always food on the table, money for school bus and allowance for me. As I grew up and observed more families of others, many I’ve envied and many more I’m glad weren’t mine; I learn that in life our job is to make the best with what we have. My parents belong to the generation that fix things instead of throwing away things (my dad just had his cheap 7-year-old electric floor fan repaired); and they endure things. They’ve stay put in their marriage that has clearly changed in so many ways since they fell for each other all those decades ago. I can’t say if I have more respect for their tenacity or more sympathy, perhaps a bit of both. 

Comparing myself to them, I see a person who’s so ingrained in her own orbit of beliefs and system, I cannot see myself making room for another soul in this planet of mine. 

Now in their seventies and still bickering, however, I see how things have shifted a little. Mom’s on set dementia is progressing steadily. She’s ever more reliant on dad being her driver, person bringing home packed food (knowing that they are eating outside food every meal really pains me), etc. Just watching them at home for over a few days, I get updated a great deal on how things will unfold soon - or so I think. It takes great effort for me to stay emotionless seeing the change in my mom’s condition. 

I’ve never been a family person and I don’t plan to pretend to be one soon. However, I do feel deeply about the call of service as a daughter to offer kindness, understanding and support to my folks in this golden age. Still a long way for me to learn, I just hope I don’t learn too late.

Sitting with my Sage

He who came to my aide and bring light to the personal drama, personal mind storm:

"Just let it go.  Ego is great to drive us to achieve something, but horrible when used in hindsight.  Then it becomes that silly little brat, sulky brat.

You have guardian angel, what would Sitting Duck say...

Be happy for others' achievements, we sometimes feel the need for acknowledgements when others get it, but are most hard in ourselves because we see all with a critical eye.

In a night of hubris, of fanfare, sometimes it seems like it's the world.  

The most important thing in the end, is - are you happy doing the thing you do?

But sometimes we see a lot of hubris, and mistaken it for happiness - that's why it's important to set a goal."

Me: Must remember to come back to home ground.  I tend to get drifted off by all moments.

"It's difficult to fight the feeling when you see a crowd of hubris. It's easy to get confused amidst the flash and glitter.  I step away, and continue doing what I enjoy, not forgetting why I do what I do. "



On Fame 

"Well, we all want acknowledgement.  Especially as we come to a certain age.  Thing is it can come from many sources and in many forms.  We just need to find the honest source that suits us.
And in the end, it is the pursuit of happiness whatever it maybe, so why worry what source gives you the most happiness?

Maybe it's a bit self-serving but it keeps us happy?"

Me: Isn't most things self-serving though?  It's almost like survival? 

"It is, the survival of the self.  The self is most what we make of it."

Me: The Self! Buddhism comes in.

"Buddhism tells you to eventually, even lose the self.  But in order to lose it, you must first honestly discover it.  You cannot lose that which you do not know.

And the self is a construct, it is the best version of what we chose to be.  What we are by nature, isn't always the self we want to be.  Buddhism teaches one to first rise above our primal instincts, to covet, to want, to need, to struggle, to suffer.

And once you achieve that, you let that go as well.

无为，无我。"



:) Thank you Sage.

On this note, I forgive myself for being swept away in the moment and lost sight of my true anchor.
And I allow space to question myself from time to time.

Sitting with my ugly side

I woke up this morning and discovered layers of myself, facets of myself that I hadn't noticed before. Ego, insecurities and dissatisfaction that I didn't know were there before.

OK, the feelings and the analysis are still raw.  I still need time to sit with these findings and cool down - not to get ahead of myself.

What about all my quiet solitary nods to self that this is a good life and I love so much of what I have, and is grateful?   Were those not real?  I wasn't lying to myself was I?

Deep breathing.   Had to be enforced.
Because the feeling of hurt and pain (where did they come from, I am asking) oozed out of my tear glands and lungs felt as real as a pillar of cement being bumped on my throat and chest.

Recalibration needed.

Start from the ground up.

I've verbalised so much about the unaffectedness of me with the subject of fame, ask me again.

Much to rethink about what my relationship is with ego and insecurities.

Right now, the waves of hurt and pained feeling just lashing at me.  I am just glad I have the space and time to be alone to sit here with them.

The 10-day silent retreat suddenly feels very urgent.

My wisdom - whatever is here now - tells me to take a moment to let this all settle before I jump on anything.

Not that scheduling for the retreat is in anyway detrimental, just as always, a matter of time management.

Guess I've always thought I am the kind of person who walks on the sunny side of the road.  All this traveling down, I have not noticed all the rotting garbage along the side walk where my eyes don't meet.

This is the day - the wake-up-and-smell-the-garbage day.

The head is aching from everything.

At least my heart is still beating and I am hungry for food...time to feed.

This too shall pass.

Been reading all day on social 
media of others counting their 
blessings and achievements of 
the past year and decade.  
I have done that before, previous 
years.  The more I read, the less 
I want to make my own list.  
First reason: I've had one hell of 
a busy year - to the point that 
I consciously stopped using the 
word ‘busy’ on myself - but I’m 
not sure if I know what I was 
being busy for, so I’m not sure if I can make my list 
of achievements feel ‘valid’ without sounding like I’m 
just doing it for the sake of it.

(On being busy - I know I enjoy working a lot, like 
the kind of work that’s exhilarating and...long hours.  
But maybe I’ve liked it too much for my own good)

Two, suddenly, I don’t see the point of it now.  
Not saying that the rest who made that list are 
lame or boastful - no no no - I enjoy reading them 
in fact (it’s like reading a summary of what my 
FB friends been up to all year or all of past ten 
years, it’s a pretty cool way of updating myself).  
I just don’t see the point of ME doing it at this point.

When I look back at what I’ve been up to the past 
one year...and the past 10 years - I have mixed 
feelings. Sure, some of the shit I’ve done between 
2010 to date, I think, is pretty fucking amazing 
stuff. Impressive stuff. I am not shy to say that 
I know I have done amazing stuff between the 
age of 33 and 42. That’s the first feeling I get.

The other feeling that’s mixed into that is - so what? 
Whilst surviving losing a partner, and then making 
albums and concerts, and spent my hard earned 
on super exotic adventure trips, and finally 
owning a property and still have my current job - 
sound like a big deal. I still feel like, these don’t 
deserve the air time at this...rather, special point 
of history. A few hours before we enter year 2020.  
I feel that those milestones don’t need to be 
credited and reminded again now, because that’s 
what we humans do. We cope with life and deaths, 
we create things, we won’t sit still, we seek out 
the things and people that stimulate us - while 
doing that we achieve things, beautiful things 
like making albums, taking trips with friends 
to top of the mountains, and decorating one’s 
home, etc. All these are, things we human 
are designed to do.

Last week I was at a jungly retreat with my TSS gals, 
with no internet and all that, we were chatting 
about life and stuff. May Mow asked me a 
question that stopped me in my track, even up 
to this minute - I think that question sort of 
shaped how I feel about this whole 
end-of-the-decade, end-of-2019 thing. She asked 
me who is the most important person in this world 
to me.

I was dumbfounded, immediately I admitted that 
it was a really good question to ask ourselves 
from time to time. After a few moments, I 
told her I think the person is me...just me.

While I was embarrassed about my answer 
(not my parents? Not my closest friends?  
Not my siblings?), it opened up a can of...
I don’t know. I think it forces me to think 
about things that I am otherwise too busy 
working to be thinking about.

So back to this Wawasan 2020 and end of the 
year thing.

I started the decade moving into my own place 
in KL. A place with my name on it, and one 
other name. I am ending the decade with me 
still living happily in the same home, this 
time this place has just one name on the 
paper - my name alone. The same year I 
moved in, Sitting Duck had the bike accident, 
and the rest of the decade, is history. Duh.

So, maybe I can say that it has been a 
decade of living with myself and learning 
what a shithead and silly person I can be, 
while carrying on as usual with my 
lack-of-big-picture career ambition.

It has been a decade of serious career-building, 
though it was built without a clear blueprint, 
it was guided mostly by instincts and doing 
what feels good. I feel grateful that I am still here.

After I finally believe that I’m born to do 
this work - performing; I looked around and 
realise, hey, my mom...my parents back home, 
have been such figures at the back of my head 
- I didn’t even realise how different they’ve 
grown, while I was busy building a life of my own, 
without Justin around.

The feeling will stay with me for a long time, 
the first I realised my mom is a different person 
now, she is now a child who needs help - about 
less than two years ago. I’m sure it’s feeling 
many of us can resonate with, you’re a bit 
angry, sad, remorseful, frustrated, helpless...
and goodness know what else. I watched 
my mom struggled with the buttons on her 
blouse, nonstop fumbling with her handbag, 
being clumsy with utensils, struggled to 
finish a sentence...she is much younger 
than my dad but she has aged much faster 
than he did.

Now, I have come to accept that whatever 
my parents and myself are going through - 
is all part of the package of life. I am still 
largely a self-absorbed single 42-year-old 
in the city. I am allowing myself the 
headspace and time, to ease into the next 
phase of life. I’m grateful that my sister 
Yvonne Lee is sensible and responsible, 
and that we are not alone in caring for 
them old folks. Mom recently starts to ask me about having 
a steady boyfriend. She worries much more 
than before, and is increasingly more lonely.  
My wish is to be able to offer any form of 
relief and joy that my mom and dad are 
now capable of enjoying. Dad is still pretty 
much quite mobile and almost carefree, 
addicted to his iPad and daily routine in Taiping.

Have I digressed from the main point?  
If I did, isn’t that what life does to us?  
We keep getting distracted with what life 
throws at us.

Older, and really not sure if any wiser.  
I have definitely made and kept some good 
friends along the years. I have cleared out 
most of Justin’s stuff in the house but kept some.  
Life has been good to me despite my initial 
panic of where the ground would be after my 
pillar of many things were gone. He left with a 
legacy of life’s lessons - kind to people, 
living things and just things, and pursue without 
fear of what one loves (ask me one day and I’ll 
share with you what he taught me about getting
up after you fall), definitely not how he 
predicted how others would remember him, 
he was just a kid with big heart.

OK, this has past my bed time now. Grounded at 
home this week to nurse a tired and sick 
voice and body.

It’s really just another year, and another decade.  
We are still here, alive. Let’s try to be a 
better human being. Happy new year and peace. Good night. Hello 2020.