"Agree on the framework in hand."

"Okay in my hearts of hearts , from me to you, do i feel affinity to you which is more than friendship : Yes

But feelings can't be forced, if one come with pure intention

I do get signals from you that you are good with the current situation - as is... Signal received

But you can't regulate me and my behaviour... I'm my own person, so I'll continue.

Similarly I can't regulate you.

I don't know what to call us, frankly I don't care, I rather have you in my life than not have you in my life." 

the other kind of loneliness

A new experience tonight.  Just a short while ago.

This kind of loneliness - you're home early from work and you still have the evening free to rest, catch up on some reading, long shower, slow emails and a leisurely prepared dinner, the solitary kind as usual.   You're in a good mood - always enjoy the quiet evening in at home with lights set as dim and low as it allows for slowing down the day.

The late dinner is good, you're too lazy to do the washing and chopping up for a stir fry so you made a sandwich - sourdough, salted butter, basil & garlic cheddar, organic tomatoes, local cucumber, and a fried egg - it's oily and juicy and full of flavours.

It's so good, you chow down the last bite of the sandwich and get up to wash the plate...just then, when the tap water hits the plate with your hands covered in dish soap you think, "If someone's here with me now and he is hungry too, I would have offered to make him this sandwich too and I'd be curious to see if he thinks it is as delicious as I did."


"I would gladly feed someone right now."

Except there is nobody hungry here, next to you.  It's just you, and the toaster oven next to the sink, still warm from the toast 10 minutes ago.

You're a bit lonely tonight, you realise.

It isn't entirely unpleasant, just a bit lonesome.  You know you haven't anything to complain about...you like the solitary life; walking around naked, making wonderful and silly meals for one, sleeping at whatever hour you fancy and playing music at whatever volume you like, and doing laundry for one.

Yet, sometimes, you just realise, that you would like to cook the second portion for another person - watch a man eat the meal you'd put together and take in the satisfaction from the corner of his mouth that work into a smile, "This is so good, thank you."

Conversations not needed, just the tenderness of chasing one's hunger away with some gift of love in the form of a meal made by you.

Letters number one hundred and thirty: The days go on

Dearest J,

I don't know if you have ever stopped in your track, and think...everyday, at every juncture of predicament and challenge in your way - you are learning how to live.

Does it ever get tiring, I am refraining from asking you questions because I know I have to answer everything myself.  The answers come much later down the road.  They will come.

The way I see my life now is in two parts, the one with you in it and the one AFTER you.  Honestly, in the most ironic, perhaps morbid and unromantic way - I feel like I've only start to 'live' this life after you left.  It feels like the life with you before was my university years, preparing me for the real thing after you go.  After you let go of your firm and reassuring grip on me.

Off I go.  It still feels like sometimes such a tiresome chore to be treading this road of life.  At most times I look around and see so much to be thankful for - even without anyone to hold on to.  Isn't it so true, that we come into this world alone and we go alone.  With families and closest of friends, we are always, all the time alone, inside ourselves.

Here I am J, coming to my second album soon; surviving the big unknown again.  Still feeling almost lost in looking for my voice, still looking, at my 11th year of working in music; still looking for myself at my 39th year of being alive.  And oh, learning in giving my body and my mind to the pleasure of the flesh a second chance, learning from scratch in becoming a woman again.  Learning new tricks to pick myself up each time I fall prey to fear and doubts, learning to listen to old advice like a trusted therapist.

And I do feel oh so lazy some days, a lot of days.  My laziness drive me to the kitchen, and proceed to intoxicate my mind with cooking...a pot of tea and some snacks and open pages in books, cleaning up the corners of the flat, dusting off books piled on the shelves, more eating and drinking tea in bed and sofa, more cooking...

And oh, I have finally caught up with you in the running/jogging.  I enjoy a run outside, whether alone or with friends.  The haze in the city has been bad each season and our clear sky days are quite numbered so that is quite an annoying deterrent for running outside.  I have learned how to do breast stroke proper, I enjoy swimming nowadays.  I have started a daily morning workout routine at home after I make my bed, this started after my birthday just more than a week ago.

Still lots to learn J. To stay constantly motivated to stay alive and be better in things.  I am slow but I never stop.

Feel good to talk to you.  Just needed to let this out so I can go on.


Much love, thinking of you,

B

How Do I Love Thee (for Unreserved, The Malaysian Reserve)

For Unreserved's Valentine's Day issue

Printed in [Unreserved] by The Malaysian Reserve 

February 2014 volume 1 issue: Love - the seasons and reasons

I first met him in 1996 when I took a job in

n his company during my college break.  Years later after I left college and started working at a place that happened to be near his house, we started hanging out sometimes.  He told me much later that he got interested to get to know me better after watching me compete in a singing competition back in 2002.  

Thereafter we started spending a lot of time talking, and do things like attending talks (I remember we had a date attending a DAP dinner forum), watching concerts at No Black Tie, queuing up to get a passport renewed, go for bike rides and taking photographs of the night sky, etc.

We became a couple after we talked about our feelings for each other, after months of hanging out as buddies and exchanging lots and lots of conversations.

My understanding of love has extended over to my growing (but never ending) understanding of life and how I aspire to live, through my relationship with Justin.  Our approach to love and romance is similar to how we look at life – live and let live: to give full support and encouragement to your partner in doing what he loves to do.  To love someone is the desire to makehim or her happy, by understanding his dreams, passions, his hopes and his nightmares.

That is what I have learned from my relationship and friendship with Justin.  When I first started seeing him I was clingy and dependent, and wanted most of my activities to revolve around being a couple but it hurt us badly and we broke up for a few months.  When we got back together we were better friends and lovers, I guess we had found a balance between being our ownpersons and being each other’s best friends and lovers – we found the perfect match of space and intimacy for two friends.

In many ways I guess I could say that it’s never changed since the day I saw him for the last time - Justin met with aroad accident on his bike outing with friends more than three years ago and departed.  I think of him now with the fondest memories of course, abide the melancholy tone of loss.  He has left me (and am sure many others too whom he had touched with his kindness and life’s outlook) with one of the best gifts in my life – the desire to be a kinder and generous person, and to live simply, but not without passion.  

I have no regrets.  If I hadn’t gotten into that relationship with him, who knows if I would be driving today – he took my hands (literally) and walked meto a nearest driving school near his house and signed me up for driving classes, “So that you can drive yourself around to attend auditions and rehearsals.” He said.

If I hadn’t been with him, I might remain a silly petty person who gets angry over things I have no control over, instead of going with the flow and make the best out of situation at hand.  If I hadn’t been a recipient of his affection and admiration,I may not have the courage and balls to remain in my job now as an independent and freelance performer who needs to know how to strife for excellence, fails and picks herself up again, over and over in this road to passion.

I am not seeing anyone at the moment but I am seeing a lot of myself though!

Letter one hundred and twelve - the days go on - Valentine's Day

Dearest J,

It's Valentine's Day today and this is a love letter to you, my valentine.

I dreamed of you again last night.  You were not with us in the dream but we were there with piles and pile of photographs taken by you.  I was given an envelope of photos too, it contained photos of me, taken by you.

These days I live on dreams and hope, from inspirations to aspirations.  I live on what's left on my plate: an unquenchable thirst for life that you have left me in.  This is the life you have lived to teach me to live - to love what I do whole-heartedly and to chase my rainbows passionately.

I miss you shamelessly.  The thought of you steals me away from my busy train of activities and plunge into deep indulgence of memories of us.  When am safely tugged under the blanket of memories of you, I would purr and want to sleep in this eternity of our romance.

Your voice still linger in my ears whenever the thought of you come to me.  The image of your smile still tickle my heart into a delirious choke of happiness and laugh.  The security of your loving embrace and your loving glance of confidence are my pillar of strength.

The reminiscence of our love is the light in my tunnel.  Whenever I slip near any bleak thought of future, I just have to raise my gaze high enough to see your face and I am reminded of your love for me.  You have no idea my darling, that your love was so great that just the slightest reminder of it is enough to pick me up from my lowest on a stormy day.  The knowledge of your friendship and love remain one of the most potent ingredients in my happiness these days.

And whenever I sing on stage, I imagine my every soaring note, every soft whisper of lyric into the mic, every sighs of crescendo, is a dedication of my true love to you.

Fairy tales, dragons, astrology, guardian angels don't have a place in our belief system.  However, we had each other in our belief system - we believe in love and we believe in each other.

Love never dies.  Love will keep us together.  Love is all we need.  Love will lead the way.

I know I will never get over you in this lifetime and I never spend a second worry about that.  The way we loved each other each will enable me to go on living a beautiful life, I may be missing your hand by my side but for as long as I have my memories intact, you are never far from me.

I remember you told me to go out and find me another soul mate should you leave me one day.  You want me to always have someone lovely to hold and to cherish.  Maybe I will find that new lovely man of a soul mate, maybe I won't.  But whatever and however things would turn out for me in the future, please know that I will always be loved, because you loved me.

Here's a poem I wrote for you, my angel, my lover, my best friend, my man, my heaven, and my earth...

My beauty may fade
My hair will thin
My voice will tire
My cat may start talking one day

The music may end
The sun will grow old
The flower will wither
The birds may stop singing one day

But not us
Not our romance
Not our conversations
Not our ideas for life
Not our longing for each other

We are beyond this planet
We are above this earth
We are made for the heaven
we are designed to fly forever
Together we are love.


Happy Valentine's day.

Love forever,

B

Letter one hundred and two - Day two hundred and sixty-eight of your vacation

Dearest J,

I went to a concert tonight with Nell & Susheela.  It was a very good performance and I love all the songs I heard on stage, most of them Chinese songs and I really sat there and concentrate on the lyrics and the music.  But I thought of you many times.

I find whenever am having a good time, I think of you.  Recently many songs make me think of you.  It's as if that you have been re-incarnated as all the melodies and music of the world and this is how you'll stay with me, every time I hear a good song being played.

So as I sat there tonight in the darkened audience seat and getting all tingly because I love the songs I heard and you crept into my head...I decided that our romance has not ended.

Because I can feel `you' in many things, and me, the living one, me, I am alive and having all these experiences...and feel connected to you.

When I see a beautiful sunset, I feel a tinge of sadness that you're not here to watch with me, but I see you in the sky so I feel that we are at it together.

When I go to a good concert, I let myself drown in the sound and feel lucky that I get to be there where the music is - and that it was you who have placed me there at the first place - your passion was to see me happy and you did what you could to help be the singer that I want to be because when am singing, am most happy.

So this romance is not over because I do feel that all that I do, whatever that I do, you're there, in my mind.

Thursday got neutered yesterday.  I got her back today from the vet...she has to wear a collar because the vet says she licks her wound.  Poor cat had a difficult time adjusting to the world of...view from inside of a cone.  She has settled down now, a few more days before I get to let her off, cone-free.

Sorted my income tax this month.

Going to bed now.  Been sleeping late again a lot these two weeks...

Love you,

B

The bleak future and the big picture

pic - Ben Tan

Again, without any warning, I am feeling bleak, or my future is bleak.  Maybe it's the rain, the cold tiled floor and the cold wind blowing into my shower.

Am not sure if I abandoned my usual hopeful self, or my hopeful self has abandoned me.

Can it be that hopeful and hopeless are but a switch of a thought, a perspective, change of an angle?

I don't need reminders to know I am a very special species of a woman and that it took a really special guy to `see' me.  J was very very special indeed.  Am not sure if there are that many very special guy out there.  Though J and I shared the same philosophy in 'you can't tell what the future lies', I was always sure that the bond we have, it is one that is hard to fall out of.  I told myself that we found each other in a sea of billions soul, and that I was lucky, and am settled and done for.  We didn't need no reassurance of a marriage or ring, vows to know that we complete each other.  In fact, we did exchange `vows', in our own special way...in emails, and being miles apart.

I `proposed' to J that year in 2007 thro an email, to grow old with me:

21/12/2007

J,

David and I had a great outing today and we chatted a lot.  Eventually he asked about you and I, and eventually the subject of marriage came in.  I wasnt good at all in making my point about why we dun want to get married.  I thought about it for a while now that am home and I finally realise that, it's something I really want with you, is that...

I don't need to marry you, all I really really want, is to grow old with you and be your bestest friend till our old age.  It's the most romantic thing in the world for me, to be able to stay together when we are riped old and love each other to bits.  the rest really dont matter to me.

I hereby officially propose to you to grow old with me, as oppose to marrying me :)

I love you.

yours,

B

He replied soon enough, I was so happy to get this:

Dearest B,

Poor me crying when i read your email proposal-woh. I'm so touched. I accept your proposal and wouldn't anything different. Lets do it.

Love you much B. cant wait to meet you in Chiang Mai.

J
--
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.

- Albert Einstein

In full consciousness, I allow myself to indulge in these memories, wallowing in useless thoughts and images of me growing older alone.  

Maybe for another couple of months or so I shall allow myself these little pockets of time for unproductive thoughts...I shall enjoy in full volume of this aloneness.  I sat at the dining table earlier, drinking tea and reading a new book that Cher Siang passed me, but mostly staring into space and breathing in the emptiness around me.

But, no matter how bleak the future of meeting men may seem, and how `attractive' the idea of growing old alone with music (and yes, with friends) maybe - I wouldn't want to be the person, a person, who is all about herself.  I want to feel alone sometimes, but most of the time, I want to feel like part of this wonderful universe.

Being part of the revolution of mankind, as part of the fight for the survival of arts, music, animal welfare, vegetarianism, vintage clothing, recycling, being kind.

So ya, if I don't have that very special someone in my bed.  I want to be out there, and have that something big.  And be in that big picture.

It's a Wonderful life

See Ming was telling me a story over lunch last week about someone who got overly elated, over an expensive gift that she was getting from her boyfriend.  That girl was thrilled and shared her happiness on the net...normal la, these days we are fed with information like that about our friends, over FB & Twitter (what they ate, where they went, who they're with, what they watched...).

We both rolled our eyes and said to each other, "...WE are definitely different kind of women, it's going to take a lot more than an expensive jewellery to please women like Us!"

Or a lot less, actually a lot less.

I received an sms from J's mom this morning, telling me that there's plenty of vegetarian bah-chang (rice-dumplings) in the house.  I sent a text back to say I will go over to wallop those yummy savoury delicacies.

Then in the evening when he called on his way home (from Spore business trip), I happily announced that I will be stuffing my face with the dumplings, he told me he was the one who ordered the dumplings to the house.  He found a shop that sell them a few weeks ago and bought us some and I love it.

He remembered it and ordered a bunch for me at his house.  When I knew it was him who arranged for it I couldn't stop smiling for minutes.

Now that's something that will make me happy for days...weeks, to know someone loves you and arranges the simplest but most lovely things for you.

I thought I'd share this on my blog so I won't forget how happy and elated I am today, and how loved I am, truly loved and cared for by my man.

oh, did I tell you how YUMMY those vegetarian bah changs are...???  Crazy good.  Lots of beans and wholesome goodness.

Am off, to stuff face now.

the formula for MR RIGHT?

here I am, sitting at home trying to practise my music for tomorrow's concert and fighting off stage fright. Thinking maybe because am hungry I was shivering when I sang to myself, I heat up my experimental dish (butter rice cooked with potatoes & garlic & vege bouillon sea salt cube) and ate at a proper dining table, with a magazine.

I was reading my month serving of Vogue Australia, July's article titled "Table for One" (Sue White)...on the issue of man-drought. Yes, shortage of straight eligible men for heterosexual women who are seeking.

A number of authors & social demographers spoke in this article...one of them said something interesting, Mira Kirshenbaum (author of Is He Mr Right? Penguin).

Check this out, I quote straight from the article:

"Her theory is that relationship chemistry is made up pf give distinct parts, and while your prospective partner doesn't need to get top marks across the board, it's imperative that he gets a passing grade in all give areas.

Kirshenbaum suggests you ask yourself:

is it easy to be together?

do you have good physical chemistry?

do you have fun together?

do you feel safe with him, knowing that he won't lie, hurt you, humiliate or abandon you?

And do you respect him as he is right now (and does he in turn respect you)?

'If you have all five, he's Mr Right,' she says. 'But if even one of these is missing, he's Mr Wrong, because the missing dimension will grow like a cancer and [eventually] destroy your relationship.' "

wow....ouch. Sounds like a damn simple & systematic way to size up your relationship? (or sizing up your man/woman)

hang on, read on, I shall quote just one more bit from the article...

"For those thirtysomethings mentally scanning their lists of exes, second guessing decisions to move on, Kirshenbaum's next piece of advise will surely reassure: 'Dump the guys who aren't right for you - fast. There is a huge difference between women who find happiness in love and women who don't. The woman who ultimately find good and lasting relationships never chew up the clock by hanging around in go-nowhere relationships.' "


sounds a bit easy, sounds selfish...but then again, if not you looking after yourself, who else?

Well, what do you think? Well, I guess the good news for me is that my lovely man scores high in all the five areas and it's the same for him with me, at least that's what we tell and show each other whole-heartedly :)

Happily unmarried

We want to prove to the world that there is a better way of doing things.
That merely following tradition for the sake of tradition is pointless.
We are making a statement.
We are trying to be role models here.
We won't succumb to things to do just because everybody else does it or expects us to.

We eat because we're hungry.
We sleep because we're tired.
We go to the market because we need to buy something.
We save money for a rainy day or to renovate our apartment.
You don't eat meat because you don't want to kill animals or at least minimise the killings as much as you can.
I eat fish because I like the taste and I think it's healthier than red meat.

--- J

To most people getting married is the most natural thing to do for two person deeply in love. Don't you think it's most natural to you simply because for centuries people from all over the world have been doing it? "Something can't be wrong when the whole damn world is at it!" you think...

Well, I'm bold enough to say that even the whole world thinks it's wrong to not want to get married, I could be right to hold my stand that there's nothing wrong with not doing what everyone else is doing.

Just coz the whole civilization has been doing it it doesn't make it the best thing for everyone. It's an institution created by societies and engineered by the same people who believe in the system.

I believe in the system of love, bonding and trust and it's going to take me down the road to blissful romance for a long long time.

I love you J and I want to grow old with you just as the way you want with me. Happy un-married to us.

further reading -

Look who’s happily unmarried -By Rory Evans

A world with no divorce… As Grist points out, one of the greatest benefits of being part of an unmarried relationship is that “people are happy about defining themselves outside an institution and all its baggage,” she says. After all, unmarried relationships tend to defy the stereotypes that plague marriage and keep the sitcom writers busy. “There’s a real sense of independence separate from how marriage gets defined.” It’s not such a trivial concept, considering that Oprah Winfrey — the very woman behind the worldwide brand — essentially admitted to not marrying Stedman Graham for fear of losing her own identity and devoted an entire show to “unmarriage.”

Of donuts, romance and anger management

pic by Ben Tan

Anyway, just having the picture up coz i like it and now, my entry is actually about...

I'm through with the now famous J. & Co donuts @ Pavilion downtown. Spent some time there last week, two days in a row, so what did I do? Queue up with the rest of Malaysia and satisfied my need for the wonderful Glazzy donuts...seriously, if you are going to wait in line next for the wildly popular snack anytime soon, get the Glaze, it's the BEST.

So I was there on Tuesday to meet a client, so I planned a day ahead to buy the donuts after my meeting, after which I shall deliver the goodies to J's house for the J. & Co virgins there. So I did, was in line for about twenty minutes I guess, ordering and waiting to pay for the two dozens took another ten minutes or so...

On Wednesday I had to meet another client there for a fitting session (yes, I get to wear some glamour-puss dress for a show) and Nell decided to take me lunch after that. Of course she made me do the customary thing to do in Pavilion -- we queued up for her first J. & Co donuts before lunch.

Then guess what, three hours later when I was lounging with Nell at the ultra chic Etoille cafe, a call came in and looks like I was getting back into queue to buy some more donuts!!!!!!!!!! For Cheryl who was making a trip to KL that night...I couldn't refuse her request I guess, I was there and she was in Genting.

So there I was, queued up for 20 minutes, on Tuesday and on Wednesday, for some donuts.

Anyway, what a long granny story. What I wanted to tell you really is what I saw on Wednesday while I was in queue. I had my earphone on, practicing to some minus ones for a show, but I heard argument behind me, a private argument between a man and a woman, right behind me.

From the conversation I could tell they were a boyfriend and his girlfriend. Obviously the lining was pissing off the woman.

"No, I told you I have already tried this thing and I thought maybe you want to eat this so I said we come here, if you don't want to wait so long we can leave."

"....oh PLEASE can you just leave it and we just line up and wait?!"

"It's ok...am saying if you don't want to try it's ok with me, because I've had it already so it's up to you.."

"PLEASE! Ya ya I know but if you want to buy then you just say so ok, but look at this line!!!"

"Then we just leave la, ok? If you don't want to try also then it's ok, we just leave!"

"IT WAS YOU WHO SAID TO COME HERE! Now after so long only you say leaving?!!"

"I know but that's because I thought you should try this, but if you don't want to wait so long then we leave la!"

".....OK OK we leave now!"

I saw from the corner of my eye they left to go up to the second floor on an escalator next to the donuts joint. The man was in front of the woman, the pissed off woman was three flights down, looking away from him and looking very upset.

I told Nell later what happened. She said it must have been easier for an outsider looking in and find that incident extremely petty while the people involved seemed blinded by their occupation of their emotions then, annoyance and frustrations.

Blinded by our emotions?

Am one who can definitely share experience on having outbursts, lashing out abusive words because I couldn't control my emotions. I have since....after reading some about having intelligence in controlling short-fuses and taking control of a situation, I tried to change my ways. You know, I did, some of it.

If you hold in your fist and bite your words in when you are angry, for as long as you need so that you won't make a scene (it's not just about saving faces in public, it's about being healthy too), lashing out on another, crash a plate, anything that will hurt anyone. Hold in, and starting thinking rationally, chances (for me) are, you won't feel so upset after you think it over. Sometimes the moment will pass and you will have the bulk of your anger going away with the clock ticking by.

My experience with this is that I trained myself to think positively every time something upsets me, I made some conscious effort every time to steer away from negative thoughts and think of the good alternatives that can come from the upsetting situation.

(eg. the bloody movie tickets are sold out? only two rows from screen available? fine! I would go home n curl in with my new Vogue magazine with bag of chips)

(eg. boyfriend had to cancel a trip short on me! Fine then, I would go home earlier than plan and then I can go out with my girlfriends, or I can finally watch that three new DVDs)

(eg. stupid waiter came with wrong order for the second time! Instead of sending back and wait for my dinner finally arrive right while everyone is finishing, I will eat the wrong order and munch on whatever I like on my friends' plates and we can get to the movie on time)

(eg. idiotic biker rode in front of me at 30km per hour, fine...I would give him the sympathy that I'm the one driving a car and he would get soaked any minute now)

Mostly if you are upset with your boyfriend or husband at small things (that can be very very annoying), you take a step behind and look in, chances are (if you are very very much in love) you'd find that your love and your bond with the person will surplus whatever annoyance you have at that moment. The in-the-moment annoyance is never worth a fight compare to the love that you two have built together.

Like me, I could always find a good enough reason to forgive him for whatever silly and annoying things (make soggy instant noddles) that he has (unintentionally, most of us do it unintentionally, trust me) done. And he has since a long time ago, see that my annoying habits (like changing five times before going out) as something that is uniquely me and he could see pass its inconvenience and grow to love it.

Sounding every bit like a love doctor? Well, it's my layman experience, why don't you try it?

J found something cool for me to read online, and I found this section from the main essay. Cool things to do with your lover...

Have a good lover day!

Sliding doors

Five years ago I was one of the five women interviewed for a women magazine's feature write-up on single women. My answers gave the impression of a confident and contented single woman in her twenties.

The irony was that I went steady with my current love a few months after the interview. Years later am still with the same man I started out with and we are happy as ever.

We have had some rough patches, actually one, resulted in a break-up. It didn't last, we were back together a few months later and it did us nothing but good, the separation I mean.

These days I often wonder how life would out to be for me if I didn't get into this relationship. I credit many good things in my life now to having spent the last few years with J, sometimes I feel like it's even like, literally like, salvation.

Salvation from the singlehood kingdom, the state of searching, dating, trials and changing lovers for a try....you name it.

I cannot tell if I would be still happy being single as the person I was when I answered the interview five years ago, if I were single today. It sends chill down my spine to think that among my women friends, the emotionally stable and contented ones are mostly attached, if not married.

Fresh out of college and out of my small town, I was a sweet-young-thing, barely twenty - of course I couldn't care for the world if I hadn't a boyfriend, I was happily getting a taste of city-girl life, meeting people and getting choked on my first cigarette passed down by some seventy-year-old girl.

Now, to imagine ten years later, after having lived in the same city, seen more things, travelled to a few places, mellowed down, grown slightly cynical...I cannot say the same if I would preferred to be single now, at the age of 30.

Ask me a question about being happy and I will have much to say because I seem to understand some of the science of it. I ask myself if I were love-less, hanging on to close friends, dating and chilling, I don't know if understanding how happiness work theoretically alone would make a happy single person.

I can tell a single girlfriend to curb her depression in working out in a park and reaching for a great tub of ice cream because these are tested and proven fixes to depression (working out is especially efficient for women), but I don't know if that would give her inner peace and contentment for months and years to come.

Even after reading cover to cover on the science of happiness, I feel I haven't the confidence to say that I can happy, mate or no mate.

Things in my relationship seems to be going well and I like to say that even to the extend of being soul-mates. While I treasure every bit of it I sing the song of Que sera sera in my head, who know what tomorrow will bring?

Sheepishly I feel damn lucky to have someone to love and loves me back, though it doesn't feel right that I don't know what to say to a single girlfriend who is anxious to fill up her void.

SeeMing bought me a little book for Valentine's day about seven years back, titled Jane Wants A Boyfriend (author Craig Fong). According to Craig, you have to be happy on your own before you find that love in your life. In the book Jane breaks free from depression by going for a nice hair cut and starts a gym membership. She met her Jerry in the gym :)

What do you think? Can you be happy on your own?

Alternative Lifestyle

Last night, IW and I talked about how marriage, or getting married is coming back into fashion. We decided it's a multi-factorial phenomenon, shift in thoughts, cultures, peer-pressure, herd behaviour. Getting married is cool these days, it's hot, I bought the latest VIDA mag where it has a story on the same topic, I haven't read it myself but I feel it too.

IW's theory is that things around took a turn after Sep 11, she observed people have become more conservative, and paranoia is ringing high.

And on a personal level, since J and I parted for short while (and back again, a month ago), I have developed some kind of weird allergy to couples showing their affection in public....or should I say, in front of me.

I treasure my relationship with J even more now and it's obvious to both of us that we have grown from the break-up experience. Ahem, the break-up has actually done we more good than damage. When we `came back' we got a few things sorted out. One of them is about marriage.

One fine evening just after CNY I found myself at the company of one whole table of happy shinny getting-married people, at a Yu-Shang dinner. IT WAS AN UNFORGETTABLE EXPERIENCE. It pushed me to think about myself and what I want ultimately in my relationship.

I know now what I want. I want the one I love to stay with me for as long as I love him. Sounds pretty selfish? Ask yourself, don't you want the same thing?

And I don't think by getting married it's a sure guarantee of making sure the one you love stays with you forever (nothing is forever, silly). The objective of marriage is blurry for me and these days, nothing is sacred anymore.

So that's it, until I change my mind, it would be alternative life style for me, no marriage, not even the need to talk about it. I see the big picture and that's really good enough for me. The big picture of love (or relationship/partnership) is to be with the person you adore, what has signing a form and exchanging a band got to do with anything?? There's nothing absolutely about anything, a married couple's love is no purer than another unmarried couple's love who have been with each other forever (figure of speech).

Well, but it's coming back in waves and yes, I know of at least 7 lovely couples (my age) getting married this year (and in January).

Me? I will be the lovely unmarried one, for now :)

Young Hearts

Do you remember your first crush?

I do. It was this silly boy in my class, I don't know his name now...he was cute, I think. It was sheer pleasure when I look at him and frankly, I think that crush was just on looks. Shallow me, I was eight la.

Then I remember an intense one, I was in primary five. It was a rather short but very brainy boy from another class. I can't remember exactly how I got to know him but all I know was I read his articles that got published in the local school papers, I got so obsessed with his intelligence and his articulate mind in papers (then I heard from others that he stutters). I wrote him a letter (I don't where I found the nerves to do such a thing back then, I guess I've always had it) asking to be his friend. He replied and we exchanged a few letters after that, I would read his letters again and again, I guess now I can say I was attracted to the person on papers. We never got to know each other better for some reason I can't remember but I remember going to his house once and his mom was really nice to me and my girlfriends.

I went on to have many other crushes on mainly one type of male, the slightly weird ones, some of them look a bit `off mainstream' but they all have the x-factor, hard to explain what it was.

On Friday night I met a twelve-year-old (at a 6-year-old birthday's party) who had a 3-hour crush on me, we had a really nice chat `by the chips (Lays, sour cream and classic)'. My jaw was on the floor because he had a mobile phone and we talked like twins!! His speech was matured and I guess he was fascinated with the fact that a scantily-dressed 28-year-old female would give him (mind you, a minor) the attention I gave him. He hang around me for a while when my ADULT friends arrived, he then disappeared into the karaoke room, then re-appeared to beg me to join him in the singing.

By then I was a little embarrassed by his attention (cradle-snatcher!) but at the same time believe that I can persuade him to not surf a porn site by going through the theory of `forbidden activity makes a boring activity seems exciting' with him again. CT saw it and said in a straight face: "I think you should sing with him, you wouldn't want to crush a young man's heart and leave his ego crushed for the rest of his life."

Affected by CT's words (she has the ability to make fun of funny situations with heavy thoughts), I took his hand and said: "All right let's go jamming! I'll sing one song and then I'm out of there."

I picked `Unforgettable' over `Hotel Carlifornia' and one other song I can't remember.

Then when he was leaving with his mom and his little sister, I remembered I have forgotten to give him my card, so that we could email and exchange more `conversations that was beyond other 12-year-olds' --- don't get me wrong, we were talking philosophy, not porn.

Really, I'm not as bad as you think I am.

Shopping n Dating

Shopping

Remember my new year resolution in the previous post? Well I went out yesterday and blew more from my bank account. I shall declare my need for professional help....

I need to stop thinking owning that pair of chic new shoes will make me a happier person....arrrgh, but it does! So? Maybe start switching to other `happy buttons' like watching movies, reading. No no no, I'm happy watching movies and reading in my new wardrobe.

Stuck.

This is wrong. The rest of the world is gathering aid to help the needy and people are dealing with terminal diseases and deaths and what am I doing? Deciding what makes me tick?

Man....my focus is so insensitive. But but but, I'm only being sensitive to myself? What's wrong with making myself happy?? Is that being selfish? BTW have you read the book [The Selfish Gene]?

This is the my heads (conscience and MYself) talking, they have been confronting each other for a while now...I guess I need external help.

OK, maybe the key is moderation, practice the act of balancing. Also, I need to lay off MNG n Zara sale, I need to be more creative with my current wardrobe, clean some old shoes, repair some skirts, alter a few trousers and viola, a fresh wardrobe.

****
Dating

I witnessed the marriage signing (is that what is called? or is it registration?) of Alex n Rose. Justin n I were the ironic witnesses. Dressed in my fuchsia pink dress with lacy neckline and stilettos, I think I nearly upstage the bride, lucky for me Rose is one cool chick she didn't bat an eye lid.

Everyone says I'm on the losing end, spending time with him. We are doing what couples do except to him, I'm not his `steady girlfriend'. Since I know he's not seeing anyone now, I don't see what I have got to lose. Of course, I understand what people mean, there is no security or commitment to what we have right now. He can walk out of my life and start screwing another woman because officially we're not attached to each other.

I guess that's why both he and I (maybe more for him) are skeptical of the worldly `official attachment'. No one belongs to anyone and nobody can attach themselves to anyone if the other party is not willing. What is `forever' in this fast-changing world and gee, who knows what happens the next minute? Apart from getting his insurance money, assets that will be signed on to a man's legal and lawful wife, what can she do to capture his heart? Nothing, you can't chain a man's heart.

You can love him and hope he returns your love. My friend on loving:


But I will say this: He has held me, and cried on my shoulder. I've cried on his, because he's so confused. He's no more happier now, than when he left me behind. And what can I do? I am, and always will be his best friend. And I've made the conscious decision to accept that it might not go further than that. But he needs me emotionally, and I've come to accept that where he's concerned, my feelings have no boundaries.

So I'm going to hold his hand, and walk him through this relationship. And if he leaves her, I'm not going to be the one pushing him into it. It's a huge risk. And one I have to accept the cost of. I am a mother. And I am a wife. To fight with tooth and nail isn't what the situation calls for.

I realized that this morning...where I stand. Where I choose to stand. So, I'm going to put my jealousy in the backseat, and let my heart drive me. And my heart says he needs a friend. I will be that friend...but god, it hurts! It hurts me so bad.

I guess only a woman can be this friend to men. I can't imagine there's a man being a friend to a woman and does not wish for anything in return, in this sort of context.

While I wonder to myself where I stand with him. I have paid for a speed dating round for this weekend...with two other curious girlfriends. Like I have told them before, I doubt there will be any good picks in a speed date but it is definitely a great excuse to dress up and have a laugh, something to blog about, and stories to tell...and of course, bonus being finding friendships (don't forget girls, you get to mingle with the women too!).

Now...open toe shoes or closed toe shoes?

The Sweetest Thing

Tell me one of your sweetest memories.

One of mine is that one fine afternoon at his house over two years ago, he was serenading me with [Your Song] on his guitar. I remember feeling flattered and uneasy, not knowing how I should sit. I sat there with him singing in the patio, flustered.

Two and a half years later, many things happened, came and gone. I still love being close to him and sleeping sound. It's the sweetest thing.

I think it's great, we can just meet up when we are free and just spend time sleeping the afternoons and the weekends away.

It's a great way to distress.

moving on

To get over him, I need to find something that is more emotionally rewarding than spending time with him.

It's tough I'm sure, I enjoy his company very much. There are other things in life that I find very rewarding, but we always like to share that with someone, a human being, a living thing.

I can imagine getting high by singing my heart in my bedroom but what good is in a voice when others can't share it?

I think distractions work, I need to distract myself from him and focus on other things, other people, I reckon it will require very conscious effort, I wonder if it'll be painful.

I wish I have another person whom I feel as close to as with him. Maybe I cherish our closeness far too much. Maybe I think too much.

Old Topic

Things I got after the break-up:

1. phone calls and emails from people who care about me
2. I got motivated in taking care of myself
3. I got back to reading
4. I got a new place for myself
5. a new book shelf
6. new emotional independence (working on it)
7. new hobby -- writing
8. got motivated to sing more
9. I think about how to improve myself more
10. It makes me treasure things I used to take for granted
11. It makes me want to live better, good things end fast, so better live the moment while you are at it.
12. It makes me ask myself why every time I'm angry, and whether it's worth it to get angry. I got a quote to go with this:

"Anyone can become angry -- that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way -- that is not easy." --- Aristotle, The Nicomachean Ethics

Emails with a friend. First email reply:

Dear O,

thank you for your note. when i read about others' break-up i feel like the pain i feel it's universal also.

I think even though the pain and the hurt I feel from the break-up/getting-dumped experience is bad and it created a lot of negativity, it also did give me something good in the process: like forcing me to look at myself more, the way I find happiness and sense of contentment, etc. the break-up invoked a lot of important thinking for me and like others, we all become stronger in the process.

am current reading Daniel Goldman's Emotional Intelligence, the first chapter talks about how the rational & emotional minds work together, it's interesting. so while you feel the pinch reading my blog that reminds you of your past, you know it's your emotional mind taking over, then when you snap back into your rational mind, you'll get back on track and do what you do.

it would be nice to see you again sometime, I can do with more friends, really. call me if you are out watching a show/anything cool.

janet

Second email:

Hi O,

i felt humiliated too, amongst other feelings like un-attractive and low self esteem, etc. but when i read this heartbreak handbook thingy i know that these feelings are normal but they are not the real reflections of us so i just let them passed, it took a while but it wasn't that long as i imagined.

maybe i have or maybe i have not recovered from it but i will make sure in the mean time i treat myself well, like sleeping well and all that.

good to talk to someone about this now that most of my friends have stopped talking to me about this.

janet

Third email:

justin and i are still friends, he helped me move and we still meet for meals, except it feels different now. we are probably a little more formal now. in some ways i feel that not much has changed except i have moved out and away from his family house and that we are no longer lovers. it hurts still when i think about because i cherish those things i shared with him, ideologies, principles and happiness. i guess i can still share those with him, but on different level.

he broke the news to me, on the ground that he feels no romance's left except he cares for me like a sister/friend, and also incompatibility.

i don't know whether staying as friends with him and see him sometimes will do me any good but while it makes me feel good that we are friendly, I will keep to it until something bad happens.

janet

Fourth email:

Hey O,

good question, i dread the thought of knowing him seeing someone new. i think that would make me very upset, thinking i wasn't good enough for him and all that.

yes we still friends. when he dropped the bomb on me it was like reality ceased to exist too, i didn't see it coming, i was broken and was scared to face the world the weeks after. but i had weeks after that to talk to him still, about what happened, etc and that calmed me down.

the relationship has been one-sided for a while except i didn't know it was one-sided because he didn't tell me it was going to end, or that his feelings were thinning. i blamed him for that and now i have accepted the cruel fact that it was just what happened and nothing he and i can do to make things any better/any different.

janet

New bed, old heart?

Damai Block, Diaman Crimson, nice address huh?

It's definitely a grand upgrade from my Pandan Indah's Nuri Court where I started with a plastic wardrobe. Now this new room comes with a built-in wardrobe (ceiling-high and VERY new), a BRAND NEW bed (high wooden head board and very classy), study desk (maybe it's a vanity desk) and air-conditioner.

The thing that impress anyone who walks in is that it's VERY clean. The kitchen is fully equipped with stoves, microwave and a fridge. Washing machine is free for me to use, Astro (though I hope I spend more time reading, we'll see)...hot shower, shoe cabinet, etc.

The man: the chief tenant is my only housemate, a QA engineer, seems easy-going. He spent loads on the furnishings...he must be loaded.

Facilities: swimming pool, reading room (bring your OWN reading materials), gym, badminton court.

Amenities: Laundry, snooker centres (two of them!!), hair saloons, facials, tuition centre, mamak, chinese hawkers, convenient stores...etc.

Potential: it would be a `love shack' for me - where I learn to love myself more and love others; a place where I would have more regular singing practices; a place where I cook and read, rest and heal, sing and dance.

*********

When I go through a day without stopping to think of him, it genuinely shocks me: the speed of my healing..well, I can't say for sure but it feels like healing. And I can't tell whether it is my heart or my head that is finally registering and accepting the incident...

I thought my feelings would linger a while longer, I thought I'd go through months and months of lifeless living. I hope I'm not in denial and imagine all this `healing' thing going on. I still feel a lot of love for him, but perhaps the emotional attachment is slowly losing its grasp.

Thoughts for the weekend, quotes from [Tuesday with Morrie]:

"Everyone knows they're going to die, but nobody believes it. If we did, we would do things differently."

"Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live."

"We are too involved in materialistic things, and they don't satisfy us. The loving relationships we have, the universe around us, we take these things for granted."

Envy & Jealousy

Jealous
=======
adj.
Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position.
a. Resentful or bitter in rivalry; envious: jealous of the success of others. b. Inclined to suspect rivalry.
b. Having to do with or arising from feelings of envy, apprehension, or bitterness: jealous thoughts.

Envy
====
n. pl. en·vies
a. A feeling of discontent and resentment aroused by and in conjunction with desire for the possessions or qualities of another.
b. The object of such feeling.

SM said I should blog about this, it's therapeutic...

Since two weeks ago, I can't help but get very jealous whenever I see a couple. The sight of them confirms my new status as a new single and I can't say that the thought makes me jump with joy, but I have to acknowledge that it hurts a lot, a lot, lot less in the past two days...

It irks me also to hear mushy stories of what couples do, ie. what sweet phone messages one sent to her partner, that surprise gift bought by a boyfriend, what he said to her during that romantic dinner at where...

Which leads me to wonder if jealousy is jealousy the result of insecurities? Obviously it is. I understand that the fact of me being dumped does not make me any less as a person...so then why am I so annoyed at the sight of couples??

Confused la.

I'm glad that I am able to relate what happened to me to friends without turning away and hide the tears now, but I'm just a tiny bit worry that my feelings could be suppressed under my cheery surface.

Well, fuck all these for now...I'm going to Rantau Abang for the weekend, yay!

Next mission in line: how to tell my parents