Runs on food and music, will sing for chips and pasta.

Wednesday, October 02, 2013

Letter one hundred and twenty-four - The days go on

Dearest J,

I know this conversation is one-sided.  The address of "Dearest J" might as well be "Dearest Janet/me".  But gestures are gestures...symbols, etc...just meanings and justifications that we humans fabricate.  We are meaning machines.

It's the early eve of your departure anniversary.  I just had some leftover bread with butter and fruit juice at 330am and took a bunch of vitamins, while reading a few pages of Huzir Sulaiman's play [The Weight Of Silk On Skin].  Huzir is a living genuis and I love his writing so much.  An excerpt from this play...

"She was married
To an Indonesian Chinese
       the sort of fellow who throught no discernable effort
       own large tracts of denuded rainforest
       a few gaping-wound-n-earth miming operations
              and sundry manufacturing concerns that spit out the things
               that float beneath the margins of your consciousness
                   like the hinges on gates
                       and not actual cement
                       but the sacks they put cement in
                       the powder they adulterate cement with
                                so that buildings fall down sooner rather than later
things that ensure to cash to splash for generations to come..."

I still go through days when I pause for a moment and recall that you're gone and sigh, "...I can't believe you are gone."  The time just flies.  Three years tomorrow, since that Ulu Yam bike outing.

You left me with a kiss that morning in bed.  I was taking my time to get up to go to a rehearsal at 10am.  The night before you held me on the sofa bed, you said you were so happy to see me singing so much, "Run here run there, sing here sing there, clever girl."  Nick Choo had just won the best libretto, best music, best production awards a few hours before for his "Little Girl Lost" piece at the 2010 Short & Sweet Musical.

Nick Choo just won the same line up of awards a few days ago, for his 2013 entry in the same festival - "Dreaming Outside of The Box", with Aaron Teoh and Tria Aziz in the cast.

I spend a lot of moments weighing the worth and value of this peculiar life I lead, and this body and the pair of eyes I watch things from, and these strange brains/minds that I own that seem to not know when to rest.  I remember we did lots of talking about all kinds of things relating to the life on this planet - these days I enjoy asking questions by myself and the silence of the air around me - no one here to tell me "I don't know." (your favourite answer) and no one to bounce the questions off me.

Depression has left this place for now.   I content myself with activities that occupy my mind and my soul, leaving no space for the horrible horrible feelings.

Just seems crazy that you've been gone all these times.  Just crazy.

My eyes are giving in, I should hit the sack soonest!

Miss you very very much,

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