Why you should date more...
This sharing is meant to inspire and encourage healthy connection, based on my personal experience, it is not meant to suck up to or put down any gender. I am talking about dating and dating apps.
It is June 2021, do you still look at your friends who are on dating apps funny? I remember one of the reactions I got years ago, from a married friend who found out that I was on Tinder (I am still on it), said to me, "Aiyo Janet, you need a hobby la." His wife who was with us then, told him flatly, "She already HAS hobbies."
And then there were other reactions, from my single female friends, some of them were hesitant, indecisive and reluctant ex-users of dating apps.
"You're on Tinder? Are you not worried that people see that you're an artist and they might...take advantage of you?" (I couldn't quite compute the logic and her concern at first...) So far I can report that no one has been able to take advantage of me if I have not put myself in a situation to be taken advantage off, in the first place. I believe this concern well overlaps with any other life situations outside of the online dating world too.
"Some of those men are just so gross la, you have no idea what their opening lines are..." It takes all kinds to make the world. There are gross women on the apps too. I know, because my dates share stories with me too (I love that).
I have been single for a long while before I got on Tinder (how I got the app on my phone is another funny and cute story, another post ok?). Five years, of being single and just making a life - a great life I'd say - just working hard and enjoying my work. But I was just in my late 30s then, surely, given the spirited way I want to live my life, even after losing Justin, I harbour a fervent desire to live life to fullest and live well. As much as I could see that I didn't NEED a man, just as men don't really NEED women these days - I wanted to enjoy the company of men.
When I first started using the app, I was bewildered by the vast connection I was making. It basically enables and plug you into a massive pool of possibilities. I don't mean just the obvious - that you now have access to date, and choose more men than you will ever meet in the traditional way (can anyone even tell me what WERE/ARE the traditional ways prior to rise of online dating? Come on, in Malaysia, it is next to impossible to meet new friends in what? Supermarkets, bookshops..?); I am talking about making real connection with strangers whom I would otherwise will never have known and acquaint with - of which many, many of them have become good friends of mine, many of them I learned much from, many have inspired me deeply, some of them became my clients to some level (commissioning gigs to me, or buy my albums!).
I had many low points too while on the apps, none of which have ANYTHING to do with the men. After a while I realised what kind of person I was getting to be, a person with so many options on her plate, I took things for granted, I took people for granted - I ignored many of the matches I had. I didn't have energy to invest on each of the match, and sometimes I just get unkind. Also, I was turning to the swiping as a mean to end my boredom, or to escape, or to distract myself from other problems. All of that I was not proud of - that kind of attitude and behaviour. So I have deleted the apps from my phone at different intervals between 2015 and now.
But on the whole, after being on several apps and still online now - I will conclude and report to you that being on dating apps and actually date strangers from the apps, have been largely, a positive, enriching, and nourishing experience for me.
In some ways it is not unlike learning how to be a better human being by making and keep friends along the way. To be a fully mature and functioning adult, there are myriad of levels of social etiquette you'd need to adhere to if you want to gain genuine and meaningful relationships.
OK, I know I am long-winded, the above is the long background story, I think they help me make my next point more convincing, haha, I am justifying being long-winded, I hear you say.
My point is simple, ladies, and men - don't shy away, or raise a brow over online dating apps and going out with strangers. If you set your mind up to stay curious, interested, invested, open-minded, inquisitive, kind, patient, relaxed and genuine - you WILL have a fun time meeting new people; and you WILL be appreciated and admired. But I do hope you are not a deadline to meet a specific life goal like get married in 2 years time, have children, etc. Even though I know a bunch of folks who have met their spouses on dating apps but I think anyone who's set out to join an app with a fixed goal is only setting herself up to be disappointed.
But if your goal is to connect with more people, and have a good time making friends this way, date and enjoy the company of others - this has worked for me.
I have even made a little list of all the wonderful things that I experienced from meeting - dating - whatever you choose to call it - strangers from online dating apps.
I would still tell you that I don't NEED a man in my life, rather, I WANT the company of men in my life. For they are so many things I am not. The opposites attract and the joy is seeing how the differences complement and enrich our lives.
OK, my little list of some of the things I learned, and gained, on my dates with strangers:
Learned to do frog-style properly after years of 'swimming' nonsense in the pool.
Learned first hand how to cook al dente pasta properly, make my own cream pasta sauce, cook risotto, among other pasta sauces.
The importance of having proper glassware for drinking wine.
An entire brand new music library of bands, and genres I have never heard of.
The importance of closing the curtains when I sleep (is not what you think, it's about how to sleep better).
New reading titles, books.
A crash course on company structure and business contracts.
Never undervalue or under estimate the power of my strengths and the importance of making them work for me.
Sold many CDs, LOL.
Gained new fans and followers of my work.
How to play tennis.
The importance of being comfortable in my own skin, and not overthink.
What not to do on dates (I will work on writing another piece on this topic).
OK, done talking for now. Go out and enjoy your dates.
posted by Going-Solo at 2:06 AM
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