Runs on food and music, will sing for chips and pasta.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Happily unmarried

We want to prove to the world that there is a better way of doing things.
That merely following tradition for the sake of tradition is pointless.
We are making a statement.
We are trying to be role models here.
We won't succumb to things to do just because everybody else does it or expects us to.

We eat because we're hungry.
We sleep because we're tired.
We go to the market because we need to buy something.
We save money for a rainy day or to renovate our apartment.
You don't eat meat because you don't want to kill animals or at least minimise the killings as much as you can.
I eat fish because I like the taste and I think it's healthier than red meat.

--- J

To most people getting married is the most natural thing to do for two person deeply in love. Don't you think it's most natural to you simply because for centuries people from all over the world have been doing it? "Something can't be wrong when the whole damn world is at it!" you think...

Well, I'm bold enough to say that even the whole world thinks it's wrong to not want to get married, I could be right to hold my stand that there's nothing wrong with not doing what everyone else is doing.

Just coz the whole civilization has been doing it it doesn't make it the best thing for everyone. It's an institution created by societies and engineered by the same people who believe in the system.

I believe in the system of love, bonding and trust and it's going to take me down the road to blissful romance for a long long time.

I love you J and I want to grow old with you just as the way you want with me. Happy un-married to us.

further reading -

Look who’s happily unmarried -By Rory Evans

A world with no divorce… As Grist points out, one of the greatest benefits of being part of an unmarried relationship is that “people are happy about defining themselves outside an institution and all its baggage,” she says. After all, unmarried relationships tend to defy the stereotypes that plague marriage and keep the sitcom writers busy. “There’s a real sense of independence separate from how marriage gets defined.” It’s not such a trivial concept, considering that Oprah Winfrey — the very woman behind the worldwide brand — essentially admitted to not marrying Stedman Graham for fear of losing her own identity and devoted an entire show to “unmarriage.”

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Saturday, December 22, 2007

people who needs people

am feeling sentimental :)

Taking a plane ride used to be something exciting and exhilarating for me, but quite recently, new thoughts creep upon my mind whenever I have to plan for a trip involving flying. Thought of planes accidents and dying come to mind.

And that brings me to think about the greatest loss of dying would be the separation of people. How different I have become all these silent years crept by...fears changed. What used to be scary to me is now something of the past and thoughts and new fears that never crossed my mind creep slowly in.

How the cravings for material things, for social status have shifted to the longing to be with people, the important people, the people that bring purest joy to me.

Well, owning a new gorgeous dress still gives me the thrill but it's kinda, hmm, scary and delightful at the same time; to know and to discover a sort of, a new venerability and fragility in me. How precious life is and how much happiness there is in life, not involving money.

As we age and gain in materials and status, we also gain new values and new insights. Before I came to live in the city, I imagine a high life of partying, dancing all night long, dating as many men as I want, smooching with the coolest whoever on the A-list. I came to the city, meek and plain and uncertain but the growing pains are well worth it.

I remember crying alone in my temp job cubicle one late working day because I couldn't join my office colleagues to some Halloween party, I had curfew still, being nineteen and living with my then guardian sister. So desperate to grow up and be seen in pubs, it was like the world to me -- to go into a joint.

Then when I was independent and I could party all I want, the desire to do so also went. Suddenly talking over loud music was annoying, squeezing past sweaty dancing crowd to get to my friends was no more fun. Attending rave parties stop making sense to me - to get dressed just to wait in line to get in, and then having to scream whole night long to be heard, come home reeking of ciggies and alcohol...and pay for midnight cab charges.

The idea of cool now is to know that I have real friends who love me and people I love and respect. The bond with people and the closeness become something I hold out for while I deal with the daily aspects of less romantic things. This connection with people in my life gives meaning to everything I do. It is huge cliche but it can't be anymore true than this for me -- knowing that love is everything.

What comes closely with love of course, is relationships. I make it a point to be sincere and grounded with people. Though I somehow remain a cold thinker and claim to have too little empathy for people, these days I would choose a peaceful & happy ending anytime, over winning an argument with someone I care about. Having the last word in an argument used to be my favourite thing but these days I try to find satisfaction in other things, like making others feel good, it's hard work consider I scored high in personality test as a stronger and weak in the `feeler' department. Say it like it is is still part of my reflex now but I have come to realise that it is a better feeling knowing other people feel good.

What gets me down nowadays is losing my temper and regret it later. On other hand, I am slowly mastering the skill of not letting circumstances get to me and spoil my I think if I succeed in controlling my temper even more, I would soon be "enlightened".'s to a new year of new enlightenment and joy. Happy new year, happy birthday and happy days and happy life to you all.

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Sunday, December 09, 2007


camwhored the other night, felt good. Took these shots on my phone cam (Cybershot).

sexy Luna at Attic


Nicole and Callie

happy people Zal, Eugene & Juliet

Juliet, skillful...
Lllewlyn, Zal n Eugene

I, Callie took this shot :)

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Remembering the angst

A chance encounter with an outburst of emotion brought me back to the days of my early adulthood angst, sometimes, in my days as a 30-year-old, I wonder if some of it still bury in the deep of my mostly-contented self these days.

I remember in vivid images of my days as a girl with an identity issue. It's something extremely personal but I feel putting these feelings in words will help me put things and issues in perspective. I don't know when and how it started that I was always comparing social status of my family and those of my friends', since a young kid in school. I could try and analyze the cause of my thoughts as a young person but I wouldn't.

...ah, I remember...I was always reminded about the my position as the daughter of someone who is a mere wage earner. I have childhood memories of playing with my father's bosses' daughters and went home feeling all lousy, engraving in my mind that I was a second class little person. My little brain started to form ideas about my lack of importance in the world, simply because the girl I played with was the child of the man who writes my father's pay cheque.

Sometimes my mother told of stories during her poorer days when she and my father had just gotten married and building a young family, making ends meet. Though I wasn't getting all the material things that a young girl can get, I was told that I was the luckiest child among my siblings, born where is plenty on the dining table everyday. My mother said she and father used to receive leftover food from neighbors.

So I grew up believing in wealth equals to power and privileges, well, this is still true am I right? I still live here on this planet of...capitalism. Maybe I realised it much earlier than some other kids, given the background I came from.

Skipped years after my bitter memories of playing with little rich girls. Somehow I continue to somehow, keep staying in social circle of friends from well-off families. During my college years I struggled too with `making my own person' in the capital city, learning to deal with my peculiar insecurities for a rather young person who's not really seen any real hardship in life.

What the hell was my problem? Am not really sure...

Was I ashame that my father couldn't afford to pay me through fancy universities abroad?
Was I ashame that I didn't own a mobile phone while my classmates played with theirs?
Was I ashame that I wasn't excellent academically like my sister?
Was I ashame that I was tall or fair or pretty like other girls in college?
Was I ashame that my mother is not as glamorous like my friends'?

Answers to all the above was No, but there was a strange bug that plagued me through those what I'd call the `angsty' years. You can usually spot when a person is full of angst -- like the world owes her the world.

Well, I guess independence did me lots of good. When I eventually moved out to live on my own and landed myself in jobs that paid for my necessities and vanity, I slowly got to know myself better and think about things a lot. Making friends along the way helped me come out of my limited sense of the world. It was a long time before I could relax with people my age who could all share their experience of their days abroad in the universities, or travelling to many parts of the world, I have none to tell and it doesn't bug me anymore.

I guess without planning it, I have sort of replaced that missing part (the fancy uni days) of my young adult life with other experiences such as going to theatres, befriending activists, reading books of worldly ideas (suppose you could obtain the same by travelling), rehearsing for stage performances and other things that bring me a sense of the well-being.

Of course now having worked for years now and seen some places, I realised what a lucky person I am to be where I am. Having seen and befriended people who lived and died on the streets can make you a very different person. Imagine, how I can gripe about driving a 1984 Nissan Sunny when I recall this homeless man I know who we (friends and I) used to hand out used clothes to. That man was walking on the street in his torn trousers, exposing his left thigh when he walked, a volunteer next to me quickly handed me a pair of used trouser and told me to give it to him. He took the trouser from me without saying a word except an acknowledgment of a friend and I both turned away hiding tears when we saw this man walked away wiping tears off his face.

Still, it's quite a different life to be with the `normal folks' where conversations can be all about trading mobile phones for the latest models, discussing their next vacation, next investment property...

or when they start to discuss the state of my car.

Basically I think I have come out of my almost life-long insecurity of being the girl whose father is a wage earner, who's never lived overseas, whose parents aren't highly-educated, etc.

Am almost too happy these days that I drive a Nissan Sunny, nearly in a fashion that mocks the middle class...just a bit. But mostly am just really happy to own a car that gets me to places on time, with air con that beats the afternoon heat and low car maintenance.

But sometimes I don't know for sure if those angst have really left me for good.

....but in the meantime, am just happy to be what I am now, today and knowing I have a man who loves me for what I was and I have become now.

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Saturday, December 01, 2007

Random stream of brainwaves

Lying in bed waiting for my music file backing up on IBM external drive to be done...thought of my recent failed acting audition crept into my head. Not a happy thought I'd say, though I reserve consolation for myself for trying and being hopeful all the way through. I ran through the lines in the email sent to me that conveyed the news in my head...."... If there are any suitable roles or workshops for you in future we will be sure to inform you to attend."

I got the blue...the getting-booted-blue. Just then a new track came playing on my PC, Miles Davis' Summertime. The hauntingly beautiful trumpet line with double bass underlining was too much for me to hang onto my blues...the blue flew out of the window straight away.

Good music lifts a spirit, it always work for me. Don't about the others but it does the mojo for me.

Try that when you got the blue? Play some good music, close your eyes and listen. Email me if you haven't a clue what is good music (no wonder you got the blue then) :)

Oh, something else...had big sinful dinner with girls last night, absolute delight - hawker food.

Two stir fry vege for three - RM 12
Two porridge for three - RM 18
Drinks for three - RM 4
Desserts for three - RM 6
Fry carrot cake - RM 3

All that yummy for three under RM 50 and we stuffed ourselves silly, result - Stuffed.

I told myself and then the girls, imagine the amount of spending I can save if I cut down on eating at restaurants and have hawker food mostly when I eat out. Wow, must be quite a bill...I experimented on having sandwiches for a week (this month bill is rather long one, car maintenance & repairs, studio fees, designer fee, dry cleanings, paying off credit card) and it's really not a bad experience. Whole meal bread with eggs and lots of butter, mustard and mayo or Marmite is really yummy and nutritious?

Back to hawker food, something I hardly eat these days, I have almost forgotten how delicious most dishes are...crunchy bean sprouts with oily carrot cakes, sticky porridge with fried yao-char, curry laksa with toufu, top that with icy cold herbal tea.

And the best deal, cheap.

I count Delicious' pasta to be one of the best in town and cheapest (you might find cheaper pasta that is very very lousy) but it's a main dish for under 20 ringgit, still.

Hmmm, just the thought of the money I'd saved, yum.

Christmas is round the corner, the city has started its usual fan fare and buzz around town the very commercialized activities. Me too la...had my first carolling outing last night, at the 1 Utama Christmas launch. Looking up three floors of people leaning on the balcony looking down at us, an interesting challenge for your neck and on the singing. Five men in black suits with color shirts. The six girls?

pics by SeeMing
Six glorious colors in dresses, I wore green, there was pink on Shy, purple on Yee-Man, white on Yee-Kee, blue on Looi and red on Cheryl.

I was wearing SeeMing's dress...for over a year now it's been on loan to me :)
Godson Max was in the audience, daddy Sim said he blur blur... :)
Merry Christmas and happy new year to all. Well, a year that is new might not be bringing lots of changes or New things but it's a new year nonetheless, a number (2008) that has not gone down the history yet.

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