Runs on food and music, will sing for chips and pasta.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Letter ninety-one- Day one-hundred-and-seventy-eight of your vacation

Dearest J,

I miss having you around and get to be told what to do when I go to you for direction, and advice.  Even when you didn't have the answer to my questions you offered much wisdom.

So it was lovely to be told what to do, this time round by CK, to be exact.  I had an impromptu `catch-up' lunch with him after my 3rd physiotherapy yesterday.  I told him I want to go somewhere on a little, mini trip by myself.  He told me to go Bali, he didn't suggest it, he told me to go Bali.  He sat me down in Starbucks after lunch and told me, "The people in Bali will touch your heart."

Short while he told me to wait while he went to buy me a DVD of Eat, Pray, Love.  "Watch it, and if you like what you see in the movie about Bali, book yourself the flights and then I will help you book your lodging there." he said.

I just finished watching the movie.  I enjoyed it.  I hope my ankle gets better by the time I go there.

A few more days and it will be 6 months since you left.  I marvel at how fast time's odd how I feel like it's been a short time since we last kissed, but how long it's been since I had you there in my arms. Funny, both long time and short time ago.

The migraine is back, it's a daily thing now since about 5-6 days ago.  Chels said it's likely due to lack of sleep.

So I  should end this fast and go to bed.  I had a much needed facial today, it was excruciatingly last session there was in August.  It was good pain, now I feel cleaner.

Good night sweet.





Sunday, March 27, 2011

Letter ninety-one- Day one-hundred-and-seventy-five of your vacation

Dearest J,

Took Mama to a Hokkien play last night, I Am Not My Pimples.  It was an impromptu move.  I went to visit yesterday with this yummy carrot cake and stayed long enough to forget to inform the folks that I wasn't staying for dinner.  Then we realised she was going to be all alone at home - your parents were going to a wedding dinner, Yan & Alex also had plans for the evening, out.

So I watched her gobbled down her dinner and got changed, jumped in my car and drove home.  Thursday entertained Mama while I showered and got changed for the theatre.

Mama sat through the entire play (without intermission) wide awake, even though she couldn't hear much of what the actors were saying.  She just sat there watching the play attentively.

While driving her into town in the sunset, BFM was playing The Pretenders' Don't Get Me Wrong, a happy song, you would call it.  A tune that never failed to lift my mood anytime I hear it.  It was an incredible blissful moment for me.  You always liked it when I take Mama out on any `excursion'.  It was just a simple moment of perfection, I felt. With the sunset in the horizon, I could see it from my car, the song and its beat going, and Mama next to me.  We are your favourite ladies, in one car.  The missing one was you but somehow the moment was complete because Mama and I are bound by you.

So the thought of you, stirred well with the sunset and the Don't Get Me Wrong song and Mama being alive and kicking next to me, driving along to a play, conjured the prescription of how to live the times ahead - have lots of fun.  That was what you always prescribe for the both of us, to always have fun despite whatever.

I don't believe that when someone passes on the spirit or the soul stays.  But at this moment I can see that the spirit of you, the fun person, emerging to remind me how to be, and live through that perfect moment in time.

Thank you.

Much love,


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Thursday, March 24, 2011

Letter ninety - Day one-hundred-and-seventy-two of your vacation

Dearest J,

Zal and Fang said this picture remind them of you, whenever food is being ordered.  Makes me cry and smile all the same time.

I went over to your house after my gig at Eastin, I finished early, nice.  Even managed to sit down for a few cups of tea with Kian Yew before I went to yours.  I woke Mama up from her sleep to hang out with me for a short while.  She went to sleep early, it was just over 930pm.

Stupid Streamyx is down.  Down down down all the way, since yesterday.  Spent 30 mins on the phone with its call centre this morning, sure murdered many cells.  I haven't quite overcome my phobia in talking to TM call centre folks.  From the first second the conversation starts (if it gets started at all, sometimes the call just doesn't get picked up) my blood temperature steadily's something that I have yet to gain control over, my emotional reaction towards TM call centre staff.

A Simon called me during my hair appointment today to inform me of a few crucial facts about my complaint.  He had the best intention to serve me and he was very initiative, I gave him a hard time all the way till just before I put down the phone, I said thank you very much to him and I appreciated his call.

I really hate the fact that I have no tech support now.  The Astro has been suspended, I have prepared the letter of application to transfer account ownership but I haven't been down to send in the forms and letter.

This is a record month, you'd be proud of me.  I don't think I ever had a month with 9 singing engagements.  This is the month.  I feel very good too, I can actually watch myself grow and improve as an `entertainer' and singer.  I had one of those incredible amazingly smooth shows tonight, my party guests listened to me and responded to me, I was suave tonight, I can't believe it but I was, tonight.

Tomorrow am going to KL Sports Medical Centre for my second session of physiotherapy.  I hope to do all I can to speed up the recovery.  An ankle out of shape it's incredibly troublesome and limiting.  I can't do any sort of work out...unless I just move my upper body?

Cher Siang just moved into the neighbourhood.  Rehearsals with him now is so convenient, a 5-min drive.  Am happy to tell you that he has invited me to meet him more to have him help me with music.  I just read his blog and looking back at mine, am really ashamed to compare (I shouldn't).

I `meet' the world out there through his blog entries, I see the world view by reading his thoughts and experiences.

Here what I report is how I feel, what I do, what I want, what happened to me...etc. The theme is me, me, me.  Why is this so?  I thought about it and I think there are a few reasons:

Because I hardly travel
Because I don't read the news
Because I don't read enough
Because I meet the same people all the time
Because I do the same things all the time
Because my routines are similar....I maybe doing different things everyday and different from week to week but they are essentially the same thing: quote clients, invoice them, set up new song lists, set up rehearsals, hang out with close friends, pick a dress for a show, send dresses for alteration, go to A Cut Above, pick up dry cleaning, fussing and getting anal over how clean my floor is, go to theatre and watch a play, meet clients, research and learn new songs...go to Singapore to watch a play...

Maybe, I don't know for sure what would help, I wish you were here to guide me out of this rut...maybe I should do things like:

Make a picnic for myself at KLCC park
Go to Chowkit night market at night
Spend a weekend off work in Shanghai
Visit parents in Taiping
Spend two days just hibernate and read some books and cook
Go swimming
Drive to Melaka and eat the roadside popiah that we shared
Go to singing class
Go to visit a Dangdut club
Visit PAWS?
Make a trip to Bangkok, alone...or Chiang Mai?

I still don't think am thinking outside of my box yet.  Maybe I will talk to Seeming.  She said she read recently that to stay creative, one needs to do something one has never done, on a weekly basis.

I miss you a lot.  Zal reminded me that I was damn loved (by you), and I had a good 8 years.  I will have to spread this thin - this wealth of our 8 years, to spread it thin and use the memories of 8 years sparingly, to last me for all the months and years ahead of me.

Life is precious.  Death is too common, and cheap.  It has always been the case, people dropping like flies.  Last week while waiting to see the orthopedic I picked up the papers and opened to one page, staring at me were two obituaries - one of someone I used to chat with online, a hi-bye friend who fascinated me with his wisdom, and the other one belonged to friend of a friend.

These days you get the news first via Facebook.  Who dies and who has jumped off a building, or dying of something.  If people here start to hire singers for funerals, I'd have a busier time.

I think I would love to sing at funerals.  I see lots of happiness (and stress) at wedding gigs, I share people's moment of joy and bliss - and I would like to be part of someone's grievance too.  With your departure I have experienced something deep and intense and therefore, I would like, if I can, to continue to experience this deep emotion with others.

If I sing at funerals, would I want my singing to cause more crying?  Or would I want people to forget their misery for a short time and trench themselves in music?  I don't think singing torch songs is appropriate...well, this would be a good research topic for me - good choice of songs and music for funerals.

It's so late now.  I shall end here and treat my precious life to a good shower and maybe a snack before I hit the sack.

I hope you would shed some wisdom, I know I will find some through the memory of you, soon.

Much love,


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Thursday, March 17, 2011

Letter ninety Day one-hundred-and-sixty-five of your vacation

Dearest J,

I came home today from Batu Gajah, Clear Water Sanctuary.  It was a beautiful place, all green and water, you would have loved it there, great for your jogging.

Have been at my desk clearing work since I got home from a nice catch-up session with Helene, along with Seeming.

An email just came in to inform me, along with other sponsors of The Wedding Wishes, that Michelle Lee, the bride of the winning couple, passed on today at 645pm.  Michelle & Oliver won the The Wedding Wishes early this year.  She was a leukemia patient.  Can't say I got to know to her better, we shared a dressing room the night I sang at the reception and she came across as determined and independent.  A grieve sensation came over me as I read the email twice over...imagining what Oliver is going through now.

While at the resort the last two days, Nell and I watched over and over again the movie of Anna And The King in our chalet.  Large part of the movie was filmed right next to the resort and the pitiful ruins now stand as tourist attraction, still.  The resort runs the movie in its in house movie channel round the clock.  One of Anna's line in the movie sticks in my head, "Life is precious."

The gig at the resort was a good one.  The demo CDs were put to good use and hopefully they bring in good things.  I sang Carmen as an encore piece and it went down well with the folks.

pic by Nell
After the dinner, after everyone has gone back to their chalets.  Nell and I went next door to hang out with the florist folks.  A question came to me innocently enough, "Is that your boyfriend I see on your Facebook page?"

That's the second person in one week with the same question.  I haven't taken the photo of us off my profile since October.  I don't really know what I want to achieve by having that photo on my profile all this time.  Well, I think clearly I am holding on to you...whatever's left behind, photos, memories, etc.

Holding on.  Yea.  So on my profile people have been looking at us.  Maybe I meant to show that you are me, and I am you - we are one and that's the way it is.

I was clearly upset by the incident.  When Kiki asked me at the alteration shop while measuring me, I swallowed quick and I changed the subject quickly and diverted her attention to something else.  When May asked me about the photos of us on FB, I changed the subject quickly, under Nell's watchful and concerned eyes.

Last week when Laksmi saw the framed photo of you and I on my desk, she asked if that's my boyfriend...and where were you.  I had to tell her.  When Kiki and May asked me about my boyfriend, with so many people around, I just want to escape.  And now I dread the next time this same thing happen.  I thought to myself today if I change the photo of my Facebook profile then this won't happen.  It saddened me immediately, intensely at the thought of changing the photo, the pinch of pain was so intense and powerful, tears flooded.  I realised I have not been letting go all this time.  I stubbornly hold on to having that photo there...clinging on to you.  Now I know it hurts to have to avert questions, and not knowing what to say to people who don't know.

"Am single now.  He was my boyfriend.  He is no more."

This is another step to take, very very painful.  Owning up to my own demons that I didn't know were there lurking....Am going to change that picture, and then it's just me there.  This is closing the door behind me and crawling ahead.  I don't know if I can.  Life is precious so I shall try.

This songbird misses its owner.

Lots of love,


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Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Letter eighty-nine Day one-hundred-and-sixty-three of your vacation

Dearest J,

Am going to a golf course resort in the morning, Clear Water Sanctuary Golf Resort in Perak.  It's a working trip.  Am listening now to its website's streaming of birds chirping has an instant calming effect on me, also help is the packet of Maggi mee in my stomach.

Was at Singapore over the weekend, had some most orgasmic moments eating delicious food there.  My recent trips there feature some wonderful time with friends and food, other than theatre.  Emily Of Emerald Hill was nice, an exhilarating experience sitting on my seat, watching the beautiful and clever set unfolds its beauty and functions on stage.  I met the director Glen after.  Brunch at the Botanical Garden was finger licking good.  We decided to go there despite the rain, Peter ordered four types of pizzas for everyone - good stuff!  We ate and watched a parade of dogs with owners running in the gardens after the rain stopped.  The night before we over-ordered a long table of Asian food at Kopitiam at the Raffles...err mall. The vegetarian fried rice was like the best kind I've ever had, mind boggling, Singapore?

Saw this at the Botanical Garden, name something like Ficus Variegatus

Only when you have the company of the wise locals.  Our host for the weekend were Yu Ping & Yu Jin, Malaysians working in Singapore.  Having lived there for over a decade, they make excellent guides for dining in Singapore.  On Friday night they took us to our first fantastic dinner near their house.  Saturday brunch was at a Shanghai cuisine restaurant near the China Town.  After the matinee we had the table-long order at Kopitiam, after which we went home and enjoyed Yu Ping's hot choc cakes with ice cream and more pot wine...and lots, lots of singing followed.

I could feel my body ballooned, almost literally.  I was 47kg yesterday morning.  Today 46kg.

My handicap of the ankle is eating me badly.  It has gotten worse after Singapore.  I will have to take it easy at the golf course the next three days.  Going to see an orthopedic this Friday at KL Sports Medicine Centre.  It's one month into the injury, I think I over waited the time to check in with a specialist.

Wilson likes my demo CD.  Almost everyone who's heard the CD tells me they really like Carmen.

Thursday is watching me from the top of my chair.  I better get to bed.  Waking up early for the road trip to Perak.

Love you lots,


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Sunday, March 06, 2011

Letter eighty-eight Day one-hundred-and-fifty-four of your vacation

Dearest J,

A song for you...

May You Always (1959)
Larry Markes & Larry Charles

May you always walk in sunshine 
Slumber warm when night winds blow 
May you always live with laughter 
For a smile becomes you so 

May good fortune find your doorway 
May the bluebird sing your song 
May no trouble travel your way 
May no worry stay too long 

May your heartaches be forgotten 
May no tears be spilled 
May old acquaintance be remembered 
And your cup of kindness filled 

And may always be a dreamer 
May your wildest dream come true 
May you find someone to love 
As much as I love you 

much love,




Saturday, March 05, 2011

Letter eighty-seven- Day one-hundred-and-fifty-three of your vacation

Dearest J,

I think I had a hallucination the other day, bright morning.  I was still in bed though, by now am pretty convinced that I dreamed it.  I watched Black Swan the night before, pretty freaky movie it was.

Anyway, I `dreamed' you came to me.  The weight of your body and the warmth of your body were very vivid.  One of those rare, vivid dreams I suppose.

Am printing some demo CDs for clients, this time in a proper...manner?  There's a CD cover and there's track listing inlay and every CD will have my name printed on it.  Callista helped me put the designs together.  This is the photo we put on the cover.  You took this shot, in 2008, June 14th at One World Hotel PJ.  I just got off stage from singing, a candid shot.

Am glad the feeling is I don't mourn the loss of my chance of having photographed by you from now on.  I treasure that you had painstakingly followed me to so many outings and waited on those precious moments, to capture a spirit in time, now frozen in time, in a jpeg file.

Thursday had her 4th shower yesterday.  She's grown so much bigger since the last shower.  She's sitting on my lap now as I write.  I always wonder what's in her head.

I told Sushee that this is a time where I realise am making a conscious decision and a personal sacrifice, for Thursday.  This flat used to be able to stay quite clean for at least one whole week after cleaning, if I keep the windows shut.  These days the cat contributes hugely in transferring her cat litter to just about every corner of the flat, with the exception of corners she has no access to.  Her fur littered any surface she goes to.

This reminds me of your hair too...around the house.

Love is sacrifice?  We used to turn each other's annoying little habits into endearing traits.  I am learning to live with cat fur, scratched furniture (and limps), cleaning up after her everyday...because am not ready to give her up.  I love watching her stretch out on the rug and relax, play in front of the mirror, eat, focus on an imaginary fly...

I have Laksmi come over once a week now, she lives down the road.  She also goes to Tommy's flat every week to help out.  She has a daughter in India studying nursing.  I buy her snacks before she goes off every time.  Her hour rate is too low, but that's the norm for many independent housekeeper in town. I have the choice of paying her more.  She does a great job and she is very kind.

Am going to make something to eat now.

Am reading Tender Is The Night Now (F. Scott Fitzgerald), I gave up on Steppen Wolf two days ago...I couldn't dive into the darkness with that creature in the book.

Love you lots.


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Thursday, March 03, 2011

Letter eighty-six - Day one-hundred-and-fifty-one of your vacation

Dearest J,

It's been 12 days since I last written in.  I think about what I want to write to you often.

The left ankle is doing a lot better now.  I still wear my low heel dance shoes when I perform, foot has been too swollen to fit into my regular heels.  I don't wear slippers either, I go out in soft covered walking shoes that give better support to the ankle.  It's improving everyday.

I recorded three new demo songs with Peter's help on Monday.  The engineer that Sharon Paul assigned to me is a very helpful sweet girl, Jasmine.  We plough through three songs in one afternoon, Carmen (in Mandarin), The Very Thought of You (dedicate to you specially) and Eternally (in Mandarin).

Am printing 100 copies of these demo CDs.  I compiled a set of 10 songs for this disc.  Seven other songs that I recorded since 2007.   Am getting Callie to do the CD cover design and inside leaf design.  Am using a few photos taken by you on this CD.

Mama's got a new pair of hearing aid.  Your mom left on Monday evening for her holiday in New Zealand.  I bought her a Platypus for the trip, right before she left for the airport.

It's been a busy start of the new year.  Bookings trickle in and fill up January through March.

It's been thrilling to be constantly at my desk sending out invoices and setting up repertoire lists for gigs.  Thrilling to be constantly packing my Hush Puppy roller bag with my costumes and heels, and singing, singing, and singing away.  In the rush and hustle of all these, little slips of worries and wonders wander up my mind - where do I head from here?

Sure, I could feel it in my pores that with every dinner show I do, I improve a little by little.  Mixing calculated movement on stage with intention to lose myself (not my voice) with every song.  I still haven't gone to start my class (again) with Cecelia.

Your mom's been telling me to `get a new boyfriend'.  I feel very bad because I don't know what to say to her every time I hear it.  I think I told her on Monday that most great guys in KL are gay (or married?).  I guess  the other thing is that am out of practice, I don't get guys.  I was out of `industry' for 8 years and my expectation these days is all different.  Nowadays I expect to have a great time, being alone.  For a good time, I expect to get the experience from books, shopping, food, staring at Thursday and ya, singing.

I suppose that's great, to not have any expectation from men.  But anyway, there are no men around.  I miss you lots.



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