What a difference a...generation makes

written on January 28, 2021

Mom says my corridor with all the show posters is like a cinema.  Her mood has greatly improved in the past month.  She’s super talkative nowadays and she is aware of it so I tell her no wonder I’m her daughter, and dad’s too.  They both can really talk a lot – the original Mr & Mrs Cakap Banyak yo!  Haha, it runs in da family.

So the oral history continues.  On almost every day I see them at meal times at my place.  My job is easy when everyone is relatively healthy. I cook, eat with them, and then sit at the table and listen to the story of the day.  Some days the stories are those I’ve heard before and on some days they are news to my ears.  

 

Yesterday I got a slice of what the neighbourhood community was like when I was super young (so I hardly remember or know a thing).  Mom said the day starts with hearing the next door neighbour mother scolding her children loudly, curse words, profanity and all.  Somehow that went on to other stories about the kind of colourful language and choice of words people around her used, when she was a young woman. Just plain crude, bad words, some bullying and verbal abuse happening in her times.  My mom said she was influenced by those bad habits from others and she spoke like them too, and was abusive too towards her own children.  She said I had it a lot better because by the time I came and was growing up she has mellowed a lot, after becoming religious and trying to change. 

 

The mom I remember from my childhood days, she was very temperamental, highly strung and with sharp words.  But now I know things were harsher before I was born, or when I was still very young.

What amazed and moved me when I heard these stories – is the fact that somehow, somewhere along the way, my mom’s offspring have grown up differently – I look at where I am now, and my sister who has three children of her own and my brother who is married.  I see a complete different generation with such contrast to what my parents went through…or is still going through now. Whether in terms of life choices, cultures, the people I surround myself with, our reaction towards challenges; all look so far removed from the environment that my mom and dad grew up with (wait till I start interviewing my dad for his stories).   

I get it, life’s cycles are the same for everyone no matter the year we are born. We all go through the same stages of life as humans.  But what is humbling for me, is to witness the realities of life between these two generations.  We have the same struggles but the environment for me and my siblings have been so much more empowering.  Though my parents have not been able to provide us kids with expensive education and nice toys, we were all free to pursue what we like and there was so much space for us to explore – that is priceless.  And that, allow us children to break away from a pattern (of abusive and harsh environment) to seek something better. 

I often turn to my mom at the end of her story about the unpleasantness of her youth and say, “See, you’ve gone through so much in your life back then, and that’s why life now rewards you with this idyllic life now here in KL, with us.  You just sit back, eat good food that I cook for you, drink lots of water, exercise every day, sleep whenever you want to, practice your dancing and speaking English.” 

“Mom, you’re retired now, so just enjoy your life now.” 
Namaste.

#parentingmyparents 
#mymothersstories
#janetwrites 
#momandpop 
#TaipingMali

 

Sing out loud, dad!

Dad walked in for lunch yesterday, put his iPad down and turned to me, “Hey I just want to tell you, that I want to learn how to sing.”

He proceed to hum a line from Alan Tam’s 朋友to explain his wish to sing only those “slow slow tempo” songs. “I’m old already, I want to enjoy learning new things.” 

I never attempted teaching singing before this, but now I find myself in such a privileged position to share my joy and insights in one of the most amazing human experiences - singing. But it’s not about me 

This is dad’s day one in immersion of singing. “Dad, don’t have to jump straight into singing when you’re learning a new song. Have a listen of the recording first, get familiar first and then slowly start to sing along with it.” 

O nyanyi lah ayah! Marilah menyayi, bersenang hati. 

 

#parentingmyparents

#mydad

#janetleemusic

#showgirldiary

#family

#singing

Money Money, 2020

 Posted on Facebook on December 15, 2020

(Wanted to save this long post/blog under FB Notes, and just realised that they have done away with Notes and it seems I have LOST ALL MY FB Notes - silent wails....all my writing for years)

[Money Money] - long post

This blog is about money. I’ve never written stories about my relationship with money. I want to tell the story now. The story so far. 

Was washing some baby spinach for dinner two days ago when an idea flashed my mind. I looked at the greens floating in the clean water, and thought to myself, “From now on, I’ll only buy my groceries at places that aren’t over-priced. Yup. That’s all I can afford now and that’s what I should do.”

Though I was used to buying my groceries without looking at price tags, this new ‘project’ – I want to take it on as an exciting lifestyle change project and my usual attitude towards making changes in my life is usually with a lot of enthusiasm and zest, why should this be any difference, right? 

Right.

I have always been mesmerized with stories about people who live great lives with limited finances. Two of my favourite protagonists are Justin, and my girlfriend ML.

Justin bought his first big bike back then (around year 2000 or so) and was determined to pay off the loan fast so he spent months living simple. He told me he was paying back the loan with a huge portion of his monthly salary, so he couldn’t afford a lot of everyday luxuries after paying the instalment. “I could only order ais-kosong at the mamak while I watch my friends eat fried noodles and fried chicken.” He said he ended up just mostly stayed home and read, or watch TV, until he paid off the bank loan. In his own words, “I realised that it was actually not a bad life. I read a lot of books, stayed at home and still enjoyed myself, a simple life.” I admired that a lot and this story stayed with me all this time. 

ML was a girl I met at some of my earliest singing gigs, long before I became a full time performer. She is from Kulim, fiercely intelligent and the most resourceful person I knew back then. I remember being ultra-impressed with how she lived. As a young lady on a humble salary, but by being excellent in budgeting, ML managed her expenses and extra-curriculum activities so well…I thought she lived the most interesting life. She had a small and charming, rented attic room. She had enough to eat well (she taught me how to cook with rice cooker), took tabla class and capoeira class. To me, her life was such wholesome abundance, so rich and full, and it wasn’t an expensive life. She remains one of my most inspiring friends. 

And so, me and my money, the story so far.

The story now is, I am having a tough time with it, yes, with money. (I did have second thought about self-censoring on this particular topic, it being so personal and all. But then I shrugged a second later…although not every aspect of my life is an open book, talking about money feels like something I want to write about now - for my own sake. It’s a self-reflection that I like to face with positivity, albeit the situation I’m in.)

The one thing I think I’ve done poorly with money in recent months - since March - is that I did not change my spending habits soon enough. I spent carefreely for months, despite having all or most to my bookings cancelled and postponed. And the subsequent months, I continued to dig into my savings every month - to pay bills, to pay for everyday expenses, donations, etc. I look back now and realise, I was deliberately delayed serious planning of personal finances in this pandemic climate, why? Such immature behaviour, and so quintessential Janet – the irresponsible spender.

My ‘hardly-think-twice’ habit. I always go for the better seats at theatre shows (more expensive), I would buy any food I want to eat without checking the price tags (thinking I was eating well), I bought costumes and costume jewellery enough to open a shop (or two), I went on exotic holidays, I paid for two self-produced albums and solo concerts in the span of five years.

Now I am reviewing every expense item and checking what I can cut down. It is a huge change, but majority of us are going through this same thing too. So, so what if I am doing it now. In fact, as I said above, I should have started changing my spending habits long time ago.

I think it is ironic. As a child, from a humble family. Though my dad was able to provide everything I needed, we had nothing too fancy - we didn’t take family holidays, the first car from my childhood memories had no air-conditioning. I grew up thinking I’d be lucky if I could get a decent job and be able to pay bills and stand on my own two feet. I didn’t have a lot of faith back then, in my academic skills to get into a so-called high-paying white collar job. 

So it was bewildering, after I settled down as a full time, honest to goodness full time performer with income enough to pay for bills and then some. I put aside savings, money that would eventually buy me nice stuff – like my two studio albums and self-funded solo concerts. I was living a life beyond my wildest dreams. 

Hah, now look at where I am now. I find myself back at where I started as a strange weary child, worrying about my later days with money problems. The difference now is that I have acquired fine tastes and having experienced very nice things in life. But don’t get me wrong though, I am not depressed about being broke. I have a roof over my head that isn’t going anywhere, I still have a healthy body and sound mind, and hands – there are plenty I can do to survive. This is a wake-up call diary to remind myself to be more penny-conscious. 

Spending less does not have to mean misery. As Justin and ML have shown me, a simple and economical life can be just as satisfying and rewarding. 

May the force be with us. Stay safe and stay kind.

Namaste. 

#janetwrites #onmoney #personalfinance #moneymakestheworldgoround

 

 

of Covid-2020, families, and my year end trip to Penang

Happy new year again   One more quiet day with London weather outside, before it turns Monday in the 2021 with the world out there grappling to carry on with the torch of surviving the pandemic in the new year.  So here is a bit of self-reflection and some heartfelt gratitude for my last music outing in 2020 up in Penang.

If I have to sum up my year of music-making (and staying sane) in the year of “Covid-2020” with one word, the word would be ‘Family’. Family of the ‘organic kind’, and family of the chosen kind.

The family that I have found in my music community has given me the healing and sanctuary that was much needed in my melancholic and depressive months of mounting stress from all directions, over-thinking and miserable health. 

 

The family that I was born into, gave me an opportunity to discover the importance of music in everyday family time – I’m finally singing and dancing with my folks.  And to be able to witness the joy that music brings in my family, is a reward beyond description. 

 

In the last few months of 2020, I had the chance to make a handful of duo shows with Tay Cher Siang, my music director and pianist (amongst a few live-band shows with WVC Jazz).  The kind of piano and voice gigs that, to me, were much more than entertaining a small room of audience with great music and singing.  I took to them with my usual borderline nerve-wrecking anxiety (but always end up winning myself an invaluable experience of living), but this time I have walked away with more than I have bargained for.   

 

I don’t think I have the words or the right description of what I have experience yet.  But some of the emotions I had from those outings were humility, gratifying and motivating.  In a way, those outings lend me a closer, deeper look, into myself, to discover what kind of human I am, in various situations.  

 

I told my Penang host and friend, Gareth, that I feel like I have been through the kind of training in past few shows that will prepare me for all the future shows that I will face one day; throw me in any kind of live circumstance or stage – I would have the right attitude to step up to it.

 

Over three nights between December 26 to 28 at Hikayat, a small movie screening room on top of a bookshop called Gerakbudaya in Georgetown, Cher Siang and I played to three unique audiences of both strangers and familiar faces.   All of them different but all attentive and appreciative.  

Over five nights of sleeping at Gareth’s Mango Tree Place, a house built in 1934. I had the chance to roll and laze in gorgeous sheets while I read books; or sit by the window and read in the sun. I engaged in nightly conversations with the writer and hustler himself, before we turn in.  In the mornings we listened to classical music in the living room downstairs.  

 

And then there were the outings with heavenly Char Koay Teow at Fok Kee restaurant.  I went for a hike near Penang Hill with writer Marco, Masako and Cher Siang.  I met with a local act Buddha Beat and jammed at their studio The Sound Maker, thanks to Marco’s introduction.  We managed to slot in a brief and chirpy visit to the spanking new and beautiful Wild Flower’s Music Shop, to listen to Coltrane on speakers and shopped some CDs.  There was a beautiful and serene high tea at Suffolk House with my BFF See Ming and small entourage of friends.  And I got to watch two amazing films, Billie (a documentary on Billie Holiday) and The Invisible Man.  Not forgetting the multiple hangout at the bookshop café with late night drinks. 

 

I came home with bag full of books, memories of good company, music-making, conversations and a happy tummy filled with Penang food.  I will make my new year one that is spirited and hopeful.  Thank you, Families,! 

 

#janetleemusic #janetwrites #janetleeinPenang #lifeisacabaretagain #taychersiang #Penang #gerakbudaya #hikayat #showgirldiary #travelingminstrels #covid2020 #jazz #music 

Year 2020: Grief, Duty & Growth

Year 2020 is a year of grief, duty, and growth for me.  At the end of it, if I have the luxury to do absolutely what I want - I’d like to go somewhere for a month, being alone, to do nothing but read, cry my heart out, and read, repeat the cycle (and some water and food whenever I need). 

Grief.  Who isn’t grieving these days, I feel cheap just talking about it.  What’s new honey.  Everyone is going through it, all of us with different bags of grief, in all shapes and sizes.  Nonetheless, and therefore, I need to honor it - if I am to talk about what the year has been for me.  It has robbed me of inner peace, and joy; but it makes living so real, grounded, and precious.  Grief and depressiveness - they make you treasure your life more (at least that’s how it is for me) - every time I emerge from the low points of downs, I acknowledge all the blessings in my life.

Some of the subjects of my grief are not suitable for public consumption, some are. 

Can’t say if it’s because the figure of Justin is too large to be wrestled out of my focus or it’s just been the lack of focus in my life this year; or could it be that it’s the 10th year since he passed.  I don’t know. 

I think of him a lot this year.  The common sense method would point to the facts:  1) It’s COVID year, I’m left with no work so I have too much time to wallow in the memories of him 

2) It’s been a decade since he passed 

Whatever it is, this has been a hard year, living with myself, missing him.

Moving on.

Duty.  The duty of being a living, an able living daughter of my aging parents.  And as my own aging 43-year-human.  Learning the duty of being an adult offspring to my dementia mother and my frustrated father.  

Apart from performing the basics in duties as caretakers, alongside my siblings and friends, I’ve learned how to find the joy in making friends with my folks, and foster a healthier relationship with my duty, and with these two almost-strangers in my household.  I’ve discovered a sense of peace and joy in taking care of things (parents and their needs) that I’ve never experienced before.  It is a sense of service.  The reward I get for being of service to others, in this case, my very own family.

I give thanks to circumstances of year 2020, for granting this brand new experience and emotion to my human existence. 

Growth. Growth = maturity.  My default and most inner self is a clueless 8-year-old, who pretends to be a grownup everyday.  This year, with all the time away from being a show woman (although I did get to perform several times this year) and show producer, I was forced to face all the outstanding and imminent workplace issues that I have swept under the carpet of ‘we are too busy to deal with it’. 

Growth comes from doing the difficult, and the uncomfortable.  I literally had to grow up overnight, when faced with existing problems being spun out of control at the start of the year.  Through MCO and all the months followed, I had to learn how to pick up the pieces, and understand what taking control of my own life means.  Even up to this every point, I’m still learning.  But the past 11 months and more, I’ve had more practical (and impromptu) tests than ever.  

Having maturity means dealing with a problem face on, and talking about it calmly, objectively.  None of these I knew how to do before.  I’ve been blessed with an enormous community of angels (wise friends, real friends) who held my hand through my wading in the deep water.

This entry is just the main thrust of what the year has been.  Give myself a bit more time, I want to write about the things I am thankful for and a list of valuable life lessons  I’ve learned.  

More to come.  I write, therefore I am. 

Have a peaceful new year. I wish you lots of zen and joy.