Heaven and Hell

I was feeling almost reptile-like, a cool-head, clear mind thinking person a day ago.  But a day later I am overwhelmed by so much emotions that I almost laugh out loud at the absurdity of life.

You know that feeling of sheer helplessness that contort your face into a frown and a bitter smirk?  

I fed Hussein this evening, I stood outside his house watching this creature chew on rice and bones and truly miss him all over again.  That sharp-knife wave of sadness always get to me every time I look at Hilary and Hussein at his place.  I feel very sorry for the cat and dog that he who used to talk to them and play with them is not around.  On other side of the thought, I am very grateful that J's family never fail to make sure the animals get their feed everyday, even when they are away.

Alex and I sat in silence long enough to register our inner thought, after I brought up the Marco Simoncelli accident over dinner.  The bike crash tragedy made front page of The Star today, replaced the original story of Dama's end of the In Perfect Harmony concert run.  I was sipping champagne last night after the show when Glenn from The Star told me about the horrific death of Simoncelli at 2pm yesterday.  

As much as I'd like to know more details on the Italian rider accident, I guess I couldn't read it in front of Alex.  Anyway he took  the paper from me and read the coverage nonetheless.  His left leg is in a cast, he fell from his bike last week, now fresh out of an ankle surgery.  He showed me the x-rays and told me he will be on leave for the next six weeks.

Just minutes before that, I lied next to Mama listening to her updates on relatives.  I haven't been to the house for weeks since the Dama run started.  A thick cloud of guilt swept over me as I lie there listening to the updates on everyone.  The elderly circle is full of a gradual escalation of health deterioration of sorts.  Inside of me, the guilt of being busy was eating me in large bites.  I could see that I have a role in this family, I am meant to be the daughter they didn't give birth to - the desire to spend more time with his mom and Mama is very great.  

I had very urge to leave the house at once so I could be alone to deal with all the emotions.  So I distracted myself with two large bowls of ABC soup and rice...the TV was playing Shaw Shank Redemption.  Tristan was running around playing with everything.  

Less than a day ago I was full of concern over my own doubts and feelings.  Right now am in funky mix of weariness and anticipation.  There's never going to be enough time to do everything that I want to do, to make things right, to feel right.  

When I left my flat earlier to drive over to his house, I was  happy that the skin on my face can finally breathe freely without a trace of make-up.  Then I remember how he used to remind me that I look very good to him when am without any make-up.  I look into the lift lobby mirror at my sallow skin and dark eye circles that scream attention, I guess tonight is the time for some private indulgence of very serious sentiment - missing him.

I've been so busy with life, the life am making without him.  Guess I have earned the right to now sit here, to do nothing and just miss him.  

Letter one hundred and seven - Day three hundred and seventy-seven of your vacation

Dearest J,

Oct 3 came and went.  I had the most wonderful day, busy running here and there - the way you like.  Nell, Peter and I went to the Assumption Soup Kitchen to help with the work.  Then SeeMing and Max came later, and Chelsia arrived late - just in time to join us for lunch at Raju's.  Grace and Eng Eng were there too.

I had the most wonderful day, it was filled with food, eating, singing (I sang at Pavilion for a preview event for Dama Orchestra show), and friends, and your family.

Sep 28th outing at No Black Tie was a complete surprise for me, I was overwhelmed by the number of people who came to see me sing.  I knew that the booking was very full days before the show but I didn't think all of them would turn up and more would go to the door to try to get a place in.  And the most amazing thing for me was that people stayed till the end, some of them standing.  And my Dama gang stayed outside at the bar to listen to me.
pic by Brandon

To say that I was touched and moved is an understatement...in fact till today am still finding ways to thank you these people.

pic by Horng Yih

The run-thro before the show was stressful, my songs were obscure and new to us.  But we stayed together during the show and I was energized by how much I wanted to give to the songs and their meanings.  It was a very good birthday for Susheela.  I may even say it was totally orgasmic.

Evelyn has offered another slot for me this coming December 14th.  I want to sing songs that you like.  Am making the list now as I write.

Of course, then there was the over 3-week long downtime of the iMac.  Peter helped me carried it in to Machines on Sep 14th, they changed the hardrive for me.  When it came back, it wouldn't work after I restore the data onto it from time machine.  The technician was on leave for over 10 days so I just lived out of my iPhone for emails and put all my paperwork on hold till...Oct 10th.  Somehow after that the time machine acted up and wouldn't work.  This morning I had to call for help and had it reformatted.  It's now backing up my data from scratch.

There's your data still on this baby, not sure if I can access it but I guess I will leave them be.  Then there's your blue jeans still hanging at the back of the door in our room, I haven't moved it since you last wore it and left it there.

Am going to work on something exciting for my music.

As you can see, since you left, the last 12 months have been a whirl wind of activities for me - mostly music and mostly, quite thoroughly - good things.

Brandon says this is the universe's way of checking things in balance.  I told him I thought this is all like a sick barter trade for me - nature took you away from me and has given to me in place of you, all these things - the sing-song things, the travelling, more sing-song. I told my audience at No Black Tie that years ago when you first became smitten with me, you told me that you just want to see me sing, you just wanted to help me sing more - because when I sing, you could see that I was so happy.

Well baby, you just did that.  Exactly what you'd wished for.

Much love.  Miss me lots,

B