Runs on food and music, will sing for chips and pasta.

Tuesday, January 01, 2019

On new year's day - 2019

It feels like there are just too many things to reflect upon and there's only one new year's eve / new year's day to put them up on FB, or other social media pages - but really, who really cares but us alone?
I wanted to joined the rest of those who shared lists of their 2018 career and personal milestones & achievements on the feed. That would be nice to inflate my constantly-being-put-to-test ego a little; however, something else is gnawing at me - some other half-answered and unanswered questions.
2018 was a trying year for me in the business, and I went through a emotional roller-coaster ride in examining the worth of my work and my personal values. Countless hours 'wasted' on unproductive thoughts, etc - but looking back, I embrace those dark moments as important part of growing up and learning to face my own doubts. 
Anyway, it wasn't just me - many others have felt the waves of repercussions of our changing nation. In the months of bleak businesses, some of us have turned to other things - our families, friends and self-development. Family ties, old and new friendships cemented themselves in our days of worrying about the arrival of next work call. New skills learned (if you forgot that it is quite a challenge to learn new things when you're too busy doing what you already know); and new seeds of creative work sprouted. 
In the good days, I was too busy stepping on the gas peddle and making sure I get to destinations on time, and then - "ka-ching!" Count the money in my bank, and on to the next job. In the quiet days of 2018, I had time to contemplate, and re-evaluate...
...about what does it all mean to me? Really.
What are the most important things to me? After paying bills and putting food on the table - and then what? 
I keep saying that my goals are simple and forward - do good work and get paid, and take the money to travel. Why do I need to travel? What does travelling do for my soul besides satisfying my desire to watch life and being on a foreign mountain every year? 
What does it mean to me to be an artist? How and where do I strike a balance between being an artist to being a performer? 
What is it that I really need, to find the inner peace, and true contentment? Am I the happiest when I know I am the most popular singer around? Or am I the happiest when I have deep connected conversation with a friend? Or is it when I pretend to be a songwriter? 
And that soft, timid voice that nags inside - "How can you contribute more? " 
Questions after questions come at me - questions I thought I have answered ages ago, questions that I thought were simple. I am marching to the new season with a bag full of questions for myself.
If anything - I am proud of 2018 journey as a person who is trying to be kinder; constantly finding ways to understand others, and MYSELF (it's also a sure fire way to reduce frustration and conflicts), and learn to be more loving (not something that comes natural to me). I am still rather thorny, insensitive, coarse and quite impatient at times - but I know I am trying to better.
While I start my new year with a bag of questions in my head, I am utmost grateful for having really good, true friends. Thank you goodness for friends and my community. Despite my affinity for solitude, I know I am well because I balance a community and solitary life nicely. 
To all those who crossed paths with me. All of you who were kind, patient, generous, forgiving, and loving towards me - THANK YOU...I won't name you all, there are too many of you.
For the lesser experiences I've had in 2018, I embrace them as my teachers in becoming a better human being. 
Here's to life...let's face the music and dance. Peace out.