Runs on food and music, will sing for chips and pasta.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Letter forty-nine - Day fifty-seven of your vacation

Dearest J,

Am listening to Eddie Reader's Roses, a song introduced by Seeming recently.

Love is all around feel it in the breeze
Summer’s comin round dressing up the trees
And it makes me feel alright
Watching all the signs of passing time
Seasons going round, digging in their heels

Open up your heart to the passing time
Clear yourself a path you can leave behind
Leave a lot of love in each heart you find
Open up your arms to the passing time

Roses in the ground growing in the fields of summer light
Showers falling down,
all is as it seems
If it makes you feel alright
Don’t regret a thing you leave behind
Love is growing wild.. out in summer fields

Have not been eating good and sleeping enough.  The last two nights have been good though, Sunday night I slept before 12am.  Last night I turned off the light at 12am.

I realised I have to make a better effort to eat properly, I owe it to many friends to do it.  There was money collected during your wake.  After the funeral I got a big bag of groceries from Tania, bought with the money they collected, they being the usual suspects of...I don't know else who put in the pool, Nell, Peter, TP, Kin Meng, Chels...Tania, Melissa...duno who else.

And a month later Tania passed me a bunch of cash from her `Janet's grocery wallet', the leftover cash from the pool they collected.  She said she was done carrying two wallets around with `my money' in it so she told me to just take the money and buy myself food to eat.

So I better buck up and have regular meals.

Something weird happened yesterday, actually Sunday.  I went to your place on Sunday evening, saw a cat there...but didn't see Hilary anywhere.  That cat hung around and I look at it and wonder, where is Hilary and who is this cat?

Monday night I was at your house again and that cat was there still, I looked closely and checked the tail this time.  Lo and behold, that's our Hilary.  The crooked tail and the `sore-throat' meowing.  Shocked I was...Hilary has ballooned in just a week, I haven't been to your place for a week during the workshop.  She is so...round now that I couldn't recognize her.  Shocking that it took me two days to recognize her.

Cher Siang came over on Sunday morning to visit Thursday.  He took a liking in her quick.  A feisty little lady he called her.  I took him to the vegetarian Indian place to have breakfast.  He passed me a few books to read.

Ok, there's tons of papers here to be filed and I better be making a to-do-list now for the week.  The flat is clean now and am in the mood to clear away papers so I can work better.

Changed the sheets earlier...I've been sleeping in the middle of the bed.  In the morning I usually end up curling over at your side, looking out at your side of the window - also because that is the window the sun doesn't glare.  I always lie there for a few minutes just concentrating on the memory of you.

Much love, 




Monday, November 29, 2010

Letter forty-eight - Day fifty-six of your vacation

Dearest J,

Thursday is all curled up like a ball and fast asleep now on the Mama rug in my study, oblivious to the noise of after work traffic outside and Cassandra Wilson's singing on my iTune.

Took her to the vet today and got her 2nd jab for the skin infection and first vaccination, de-worm, cut nails again.  Bought a new bag of cat litter, the flushable kind, a bit expensive but am going to try anyway - Feline Fresh, pine wood and smell better.  Got a carrier cage, and a new water & food bowl.

It's nice to see her sleeping for so long, instead of having to fend her off my toes and anything that dangles in her face.

Spent the night at your place last night.  First time in weeks, in Weeks, that I went to sleep before 12am.

Am late for dinner at your place, going to bring over your dad's suitcase that you borrowed a while ago.

this pic of me, taken by Brandon Lim at the jazz workshop showcase.  It reminds me of your style...I miss having you pointing the lens at me.

56th day, 4 more days before this turns 2 months...

My sister said to me today, life is a speck of dust in the galaxy.  Good reminder.  We are all huge tiny speck of dust, going about everyday doing big things, and small things.

I love you, lots.


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Saturday, November 27, 2010

Letter forty-seven - Day fifty-four of your vacation

Dearest J,

Had a blast last night at the Volker party.  You would have loved my dress last night, I wore a really short tight the theme of the song I sang there - Carmen's Habanera in Mandarin.  Met with many friends there and made a few new friends.

A picture of doing the Carmen while trying not to be bothered with my dramatic (riding up) hemline, taken by Sam.

The jazz workshop concert on Thursday night was very exciting for me. A completely new experience, my mental state was a total roller coaster ride - from a total mash of stress (before the workshop started) to a thorough sense of fulfillment at the end.  There were many moments of groping in the dark during the workshop, Elvira and I didn't want to hold back the class too much with our questions on the music - because the rest of the classroom were trained musicians.  I doubted my decision to sign up for this many times and am glad I dived head in, Greg Lyon's music is a tough nut for even trained musicians.  I don't think I have become an excellent musician over those three days but I have learned something better (Elvira says) - I learned not to be afraid.

Then of course there was the comradeship with the other students, four horns, a guitar and the standard trio.  For most part of the workshop Elvira and I were treated mostly as instruments if not all the time.

Subsequent to the classes, I have come to know that many of the `musicians' and song writers I know aren't trained musicians either.  Many of them have taught themselves to play their instruments and write songs.

Gabrielle Maes was at the party last night, she sang Bewitched with the band.  I managed to do some precious catching up with her and she gave me some important advice - go back to singing classes.  "Spend some time with yourself, go back to see Cecelia, spend time on horning the singing technique."  She also did add, "Oh, go out and meet more civil engineers!! They are mostly straight!")

This is what I need, the singing class.  After your accident an, I was harbouring the fear of having to put aside a hefty budget every month for the lessons with Cecelia but I guess Seeming is right about the money thing - the more you spend, the more hungry you'll get to make the money back.

Isn't exciting, I think.  My plate is piling up.

I think of you a lot, a lot more than usual the last few days, surprisingly, while am having a crazy busy week.  Yesterday during the warm down exercise at hip hop I had a vision of us (a relaxing oriental music was on the player) together in an Indian garden, very zen and relaxed.  Of course I haven't a clue what an Indian garden is but that was the feeling I had, a quaint and relaxing space we were at together, united in minds.  That was the first time I got emotional in public in the past one month.

I was `looking out' for you that night at the workshop showcase at Alexis.  When I was doing my make up yesterday before the party I thought of you and just amazed that you creep out to call me in the midst of my busiest moments.

Thursday is asleep in the study with me, she sleeps on Mama's rug.  It's a rare sight, she is usually busy entertaining herself by annoying me.  She looks kinda peaceful now that she is just being stationery and breathing, eyes closed.

Somehow I feel that with her around the home, I get reminded that you aren't home anymore and I would choke with emotions and feel nauseated that I would dream of compensating your absence with her liveliness.  However, I am (at the moment) determined to keep her for a while at least, to see how I will make her my friend, or vice versa.

Peter and TP are home from their vacation.  I got a few postcards from the Covent Garden opera house and a book of all the Paris Vogue covers. December will be a month of lots of cheese-eating at theirs.

Ok, am glad I catch up with some of my thoughts here with you.  Now am going to try to rest up before I have to get ready for a corporate gig tonight.  Just 4 songs tonight, with back up dancers.

Oh ya, I met this boy Fung Chern Hwei, a Malaysian violinist who lives and play in New York.  Am listening to the two CDs that I bought from him...his music is beautiful and moved me a lot.  There's this song in particular, Chloeictchka that really tug at my heart when I hear it.  I don't how it happened but the first time I play that song in my car I just thought of you, that song just got me thinking of us and I really miss you then.

I have a lot of new CDs to go through, songs to sing, stories to tell.

I love you.


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Friday, November 26, 2010

Letter forty-six - Day fifty-three of your vacation

Dearest J,

Again I was caught by `you' off guard.  Home from sending Elvira home after supper and after the workshop showcase, am removing all the hair pins in my hair...and listening to the silence of the night and to my aloneness.

Even with Thursday's constant probing around and fooling, I cannot feel your absence being replaced by this adorable creature.  In fact, the more I look at the kitten the more I get reminded of your absence.

I sit here, still in my full make up and gig clothes, I can't believe it's been more than 50 days...everything feels so normal and incredibly foreign at the same time...

I don't hear you calling me from the bedroom, no SMS from me seeking my attention...

Ya, this is both ultra weird and `the same' at the same time.  Same being that am busy just as before, out most of the time, always doing something going somewhere (you like me busy).  Different being that am all alone here every night, now `am not alone' with Thursday around, poking her nose in everything her nose and claws can reach.

I look forward to next week when my diary is less jam packed so far, I long to nap in the afternoon and sleep in at least twice.

Am glad I joined the jazz workshop, have so much to tell you.  Tomorrow ok?  I need to lie down now, going to hip hop class in a few hours.

Miss you like crazy,




Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Letter forty-five - Day fifty-one of your vacation

Dearest J,

Tired.  Thursday doesn't like the can food I got from Bernie.  She hardly ate the food I put out, mixed dry and wet.  After one day of watching her not eat it, I threw out the remains on the plate and give her the old Addiction brand dry one.

Will have to find time to go out and get new stock.  I haven't plan on giving her up yet, we'll see how we get along some more.  I do care for her, though am not making time to play with her more.  Am very patient with her too, you'd be surprised.

Today's jazz workshop was tiring...Elvira and I got pretty lost with a few songs, not being able to read the charts well.  I did more improvisation today, it sounded better than yesterday.  Elvira said to listen to more Brazilian music for practice.

Long day tomorrow.  Hair appointment in the morning, then straight to last day at workshop.  Then rush to sound check and show at KLGCC.  Hopefully I will be done there by 9pm and then I can go off to Alexis for the jazz showcase.

Wanted to stay in to do music homework and watch the Maria Callas interview DVDs but Sushee told me Mia is back in town and singing at Backyard tonight - a hard one to refuse.

I better get shower and get some small amount of work done before I head out.

Your mom SMS me today to tell me that your photo (the huge one at the wake) has been framed and it's ready for me to take home to keep.

Gotta find a good place for that.

I miss you a lot, 51 days already, two months?





Letter forty-four - Day fifty of your vacation

Dearest J, 

What a relief.  The stress for the past week is finally behind me, even though the jazz workshop is not over yet.  We worked on one song for about close to 2 hours today, I managed some improvisation today, some notes came out naturally, most parts I felt good doing the lines, some notes went to really weird places.  After listening to the recording of it, I cringed...I need to work so much more to do what Greg said to `rise to it and seize your part'.

Anyway, working on my solos aside, to sit in the ensemble today and feel the `family ties' of being in a band, instead of being `the singer' - was sheer bliss and happiness.  I am lucky to have Elvira next to me helping me along with the music.

Photos from the workshop.  

This is a good distraction, and an excellent concentration of work.  I can still hear your voice in my head, telling me to learn my theory and piano.  I hope this time I preserver..

Last night late at night I lied on our bed, I was dead tired and sleep was much much needed.  But strangely I was wide awake, trying to remember what was it like to listen to your voice and how we used to talk late into the night and early into the morning...

A sadness came over me because I was suddenly worried that as time moves on and I live my life without you, your words and your soul, the language might leave me in time...our language of love, our intimacy which we held so close to our hearts.  

I already feel like it's leaving me, maybe it's coz I don't spend a lot of time thinking about us these days.  I have been burying myself at work - exciting, stressful work.  I don't feel that these exciting endeavors are planted on purpose so that I can think less of you, I just feel naturally drawn to doing.  Doing, diving in, head this jazz workshop that I had zero confidence in when I first signed up.

Been eating badly on my own.  Last night had a grand home cook dinner at Bernie's.  

Going to a dinner party upstairs at Fai & Christine's...home cook food :)

Tomorrow another, hopefully exciting session at the workshop.



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Monday, November 22, 2010

Letter forty-three - Day forty-nine of your vacation

Dearest J,

Thursday is scratching me crazy and am too lazy and too ignorant to discipline her....

Attended my one wedding last night for the year.   Haven't been keeping count but I attend about one wedding per year, or less.  It was a beautiful one last night.  Yuri and his `company' of best men and bridesmaids performed an incredible medley of songs for Xandria.

I took many pictures at your niche yesterday...took a lot of Tristan particularly.  And a handful of the giant cross at the Christian niche centre, simply coz it looks good on the camera.  Will try to edit a bunch and show your family.

The bank just called, they have approved my company account application and have asked me to go in tomorrow to make my first deposit!  Cheers to many cheques to go into this bank account.

Thursday is sleeping outside the study now.  I have made our little corridor as her area, her bed is there, with her two scratch pads.  In the night I move her bed into our bedroom next to me....I think she wants to jump on the bed soon, when she figures out how to jump.

Tomorrow, big day - first day at Greg Lyon's jazz workshop.  Am not that prepared but am prepared for the worst, BUT am ready to just make the best out of the...circumstance.

I better remember to find time to google a map or something, no clue how to get to the studio.

Have to get ready now for dinner gathering, brave it out in the traffic to PJ for yummy home food.

Wish you were here...miss holding you.



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Sunday, November 21, 2010

Letter forty-two - Day forty-eight of your vacation

Dearest J,

Time to get more cat food.

Been up doing song lists for a couple of gigs.

Your dad just called up to ask if am free today to join them to go visit you (he said your photo is up at your niche) at the memorial park.

It feels good to cry after a long week...let it flow they say?

To visit you there after the niche installation, with your family wasn't what I had in mind.  Since the funeral I haven't quite shown much emotion in front of anyone...refrain is such a painful thing.

I guess I need to find time sometimes just to cry over the spilled milk.  I've been a good girl, I spend most of my time and energy on what's good and what's left and what's ahead and what's exciting and uplifting.

But this is all still fresh, the wind outside is strong but it hasn't blown away the pain.

Your dad bought you flowers...I guess I will see you soon later.

I better get going to go over soon.  Have to organize to leave the memorial park on time because I'm going to a wedding tonight.  Attending Xandria & Yuri's happy day.

Love you lots,




Friday, November 19, 2010

Letter forty-one - Day forty-sixof your vacation

Dearest J,

Thursday really should go to the vet soon.  Her nails are long and are nasty on the curtains in our house.  She is getting used to this space and have finally pooped this morning while I was out at Ann's hip hop class.

Max has put on some weight lately, I read him a book (Papi And I) on Wednesday...that doesn't happen very often.

Yesterday was a rather productive day, thought my songs for the jazz workshop are still not anywhere takes a shape.  I went over to Maybank down the road, finally, to open a company account.  I got my rubber stamp this week too.  Anyway, am grateful that the account opening process was a breeze, they now need to run a `company search' before they confirm the account and have me proceed with the first deposit.

I celebrated by stopping over on the way up to the flat, to eat.  Had a sour dough toast with egg mayo at Tommy Le Baker downstairs.  Tommy learned how to bake in France and we have many mutual friends in theatre, he lives here too.

My sister went over to see Mama yesterday with her Nyonya curry and some soup.  We stayed and chatted with her for a bit before I head out to meet Seeming and Nell at PJLA, my sister also left in a downpour to home.

Thursday stares at me, curious at every single moment or activity.


I started this letter in the morning.  It's 8pm now.

Took Thursday to the vet near your house to cut her nails.  Doctor also gave her an injection (one of three) for her skin infection on her ears.  She hated the car ride there because she was left in the leg room by herself, when we got there she had a huge fits and took a few mins for her to calm down before I could hold her and got her out of the car.

She is now happy again, home and playing...with shorter nails, phew.  We both napped hungrily.

I had a late lunch at your place today, Mama made my favourite staple again - plain porridge, there was fry pumpkin with garlic, fried fish, her shallots.  I had two full bowls of that.

Hungry now.  I finally opened that packet of dark chocolate cookies Tania & gang got me (among other stuff in a huge basket) and ate two.  I sat on our couch eating and looking around the hall - it makes an excellent and intimate rehearsal space.  It's so especially cooling up here these days.  The dining table area would make a great meeting table for more than 6 people even...and with the keyboard in front of it.   And all the score books just at arm's length's reach.

This space should be made useful now.  It's really kinda big for just one of me.  We decided to buy this bigger unit because there were two of us, I remember it was you who initiated for a bigger design because you said, it works for the future, to have more space.  Well, now I shouldn't let this space go to waste...

I said this today on my FB status:

Don't wait for another breathe to be deeply and seriously, honestly and whole-heartedly.

Am going to Cher Siang's gig tonight at Alexis Ampang.  Going to bring your Nikon there and hope to indulge in a few shots.

Miss you deeply,


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Thursday, November 18, 2010

Letter forty - Day forty-five of your vacation

Dearest J,

The test drive started last night after midnight.  Thursday arrived at Viva, she is loving her space and freedom so far.  I can imagine if you were here you'd be quite amused with her silliness.

Peter passed me cat food, cat litter, litter deodorizer, litter tray and...ya, and the kitten.  I got scratched all the time at my feet.  She is very attached to me, since last night on the way home.  She literally stared at me till she dropped to sleep...I don't know when.  I put her little sleep-mat on my wire-art-work (from flea market years ago) next to our bed so she can be near...which is what she likes, so far.

Meet Thursday, silly cat.

Christine came over to help me settle Thursday last night.  Fai came later to play with her too.  They are totally (seems to me la) smitten with her.

This morning I woke up to the sound of her playing with the plastic plug adapter I kept under my bed side table.

I fed her at 10am. She hasn't pooped yet.

I've been sleeping very very late.  Very naughty.  I better get my act together or this body won't hold up.

I signed up for a jazz workshop, paid and received all the music charts and recordings yesterday, been rather stressed with it since...what was I thinking?  Jazz workshop...

Christine helped me last night with three songs, I recorded my parts on my phone with her playing.  You'd be happy to know that this keyboard you bought me a few birthdays ago is finally being put to better use these days.

Last week the keyboard went to Actors Studio for that Replay acoustic outing.  Today am using it for a wedding rehearsal.

This cat makes me smile sometimes, she just keep staring at me, I imagine that it's you gazing up at me ok..

I miss you lots, LOTS...hugs.


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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Letter thirty-nine - Day forty-four of your vacation

Dearest J,

I was home tonight before 12am, as I drove into the carpark I remember how you'd always say, "Wow you're home so early.." when you see me back online before 12am.  How you'd always log on to gtalk just to see if am there, to say good night to me.  That memory made me smile.

Having a migraine now.  Had two very good gigs today happy.


Ok, back. No more migraine.  Fai & Christine just left.  Christine made me a bowl of noodles, looked at my clothes and shared some pesto and crackers.  I made Fai some tea with honey, he wanted coffee, he made use of the TV while he was here.

Anyway, yea, I had my time in the `zone' today...actually it's yesterday, it's already 230am.  I focus more in putting my heart in every line of lyrics that I sang today..I mean yesterday.  The music from the band last night was pretty amazing too, thanks to Wilson's music arrangement.

I got big news for you - am bringing home a cat tomorrow.  Thursday is a kitten rescued by Peter from his neighborhood.  He said Thursday is litter-trained and very independent.  Am suppose to `test-drive' having Thursday here while he is off to London & Paris for a week, to see if I want to keep a pet for the long term.

Am quite excited, knowing there will be extra work load, cleaning, feeding, cleaning, feeding...not sure if your leather chair will survive the claws, etc. But the thought of finally having a cat around here, and to watch and to play with, it's joy already.  Maybe one day I can even bring Hilary to visit...

Station One cafe is finally open downstairs, I wonder if they'd have live acts there.

Too sleepy now to type more.  I thought you a lot today.



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Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Letter thirty-eight - Day forty-three of your vacation

Dearest J,

43 days.  Forty-three days, 6 weeks and 1 day.  I can't decide if time have passed by quickly or slowly.  I realise this morning that every time I wake up in the morning on our bed, I would spend a good few minutes to recollect the memories of you.  This morning I was recollecting the smell of your hair, and how you'd moaned and grunted when you missed a score on your phone games, sitting on the toilet.

Went to your house last night for dinner.  Your parents are in China, since Friday night.  They will be home this Wednesday.  Mama choked during dinner, rice too dry and she ate too fast.  Her cough is lessen but still there.  It's taking a while, more than a month, and still going, for her to this hour, I truly wish for an angel to bring her health.  She misses you too much.

It's going to be a long day, I have a gig in the afternoon and one dinner show at night.  Going to have my hair done in the morning, by a new stylist at Cut Above - because today is Sam's off day.

Time to get back to packing and getting ready.  Here's a picture of us taken by Seeming, behind Viva...soon after we collected our keys to the place.

Love you lots,




Monday, November 15, 2010

Letter thirty-seven - Day forty-two of your vacation

Dearest J,

I started my day lying in bed watching this video.  I don't usually check my FB or emails in bed these days,  but somehow this morning I did.  Of all the videos posted up  this morning, I clicked on this one to watch...

The music and its plot makes me miss you very much.

I had a great time this weekend on the road trip to Singapore for A Little Night Music.  We sang a lot on the way home.  There's always a lot of singing whenever am with the gang, and lots of food, of course, plenty of love for just know that am in good hands ok.

I think am going to sing a bit now...

Oh there's some amazing shots by Brandon on Friday at the acoustic gig, he made into a little video of images with the song Man In The Mirror covered by James Morrison.

Wish you were here.

Bottomless of love,




Saturday, November 13, 2010

Letter thirty-six - Day forty of your vacation

Dearest J,

I imagined having you there tonight (last night actually but still feel like `tonight') in the audience, in your white Hanes tee and holding our Nikon D70 snapping away.

Here's a snap at the show from my iphone.  I had a photographer tonight!  I befriended Chel's friend Brandon, he is a professional and he so kindly offered to help tonight.

I enjoyed totally in working for this gig.   Hopefully I get more offers to perform at gigs like this one.

This is a blessing, not only I get to experience the whole being in a `singer-song-writer (doing covers)' environment, I got to perform a set of almost entirely new repertoire all in one night;   worked with Nell on interpretation and characters for all my songs.   And best one - I made a new friend in Christine, my pianist and co-singer.  New friends are plenty, good new friends don't come everyday.

Tomorrow...or rather, in a few hours' time am off to Singapore with the gang.  We are watching A Little Night Music at Esplanade.

Next week, three shows!

I can't wait to sing sing sing.

I was so happy on stage tonight, I thought of you during the show constantly.

Love you x 10000000000000000000000




Thursday, November 11, 2010

Letter thirty-five - Day thirty-eight of your vacation

Dearest J,

I should be sleeping!!  My heart is restless, it is itching to sing a good song.

I revisited a song that I told myself to learn a few months ago, American art song, Richard Hageman's Do Not Go, My Love.

Shared the song with Cher Siang, he told me that song reminds him of two jazz standards of similar mood - Never Let Me Go and Here's To Life.

Shirley Horn's rendition of Here's To Life

These songs are haunting me so that I don't want to sleep just yet.  My brain is tinkling with thoughts of how I want to swallow this music, whole and alive.

Now I appreciate better why musicians, bands, singers would go on putting up a show of their own without much of a pay in return - just so they get to perform something that makes them proud...before they return the next night to a hotel ballroom to play everyone's favourite wedding sets.

I too, ought to do the same, to keep my appetite and hunger for good music alive.

Am excited about the acoustic gig on Friday.

There's going to be another round of prayer at your place tomorrow night, follow by a party.

Ok now I get ready for bed.  Miss you lots!!



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Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Letter thirty-four - Day thirty-six of your vacation

Dearest J,

I lied in bed this morning, listening to the Tuesday traffic on Jalan Ipoh, soaking in the lack of conversation in our room.  I lied there trying to work out what I was feeling.  Yes, it's going to be really quiet here.  No conversations, just me, singing or talking into my phone.

It's just me talking to you now.

This flat is rather clean these days since the cleaners' visit.

I just spent some time looking at your FB page, went through some photos that you uploaded.  Realised it's a little treasure box of your memories, especially the biking memories.  Your Phuket trip photos are so full of your little quips.

Here's a photo for you, taken from one of the photos you uploaded on FB.  Dr House on his bike...your bike.

I also downloaded the podcast file of your interview on BFM last year.

There's still many photo albums to go through.  Many of your old photos are now being turned over and scanned and shared on FB, by many.

I better shake out of this and go on.  There's my dance class happening in an hour's time.  Tonight there will be rehearsal upstairs with Christine & Fai for my Friday REPlay gig.

Miss you lots!!




Monday, November 08, 2010

Letter thirty-three - Day thirty-five of your vacation

Dearest J,

Another windy day here at home.  The nights have been cool if not cold at times.

I dropped Aunt Vickie & Jenny off at Sentral to catch a train home.  Mama is still recovering from the bad cough and now on new medicine for her sore throat.  Everyone's been complaining to me that she is not eating enough to get well.  I know if you were here she would listen to only you.  She is very manja with me, she said she would eat more if I am around.  I will go there more to eat with her ok don't worry.

Having a rather productive day so far.  My calendar is getting busy with bookings and enquiries. Spend the day doing up song lists for clients and sending emails to musicians. I look forward to sing, sing, sing.

Here's a pic for you, from my last wedding gig last month.  TP was the emcee.  I played with a new band that evening as Cher Siang & gang were abroad then...Kiat on bass, Kevin on sax and Terrence on keyboard.

Am going out for dinner and hopefully a movie with Peter & gang!  A movie!!

I miss you alot!!!


Here's a song for  you before I go, it's called Sing.

Sing, sing a song

Sing out loud

Sing out strong

Sing of good things not bad

Sing of happy not sad

(*) sing, sing a song

Make it simple to last

Your whole life long

Don’t worry that it’s not

Good enough for anyone

Else to hear

Just sing, sing a song

La la la la la

La la la la la la...

Sing, sing a song

Let the world sing along

Sing of love there could be

Sing for you and for me



Sunday, November 07, 2010

Letter thirty-two - Day thirty-four of your vacation

Dearest J,

Something's got over me the last few days, I don't know what but my appetite has been amazing.  I kinda haven't really stopped eating since Deepavali on Friday.

I went over to your place yesterday after Pilates with breakfast at round 930am.  Saw Maku cleaning vacuuming your shelves.  I started `supervising'.  At 2pm, your entire storage-shelf area is thoroughly cleaned and organised.

The amount of dust that was washed away was, significant.

Yan has made two photo albums of your photos from various outings, she had also framed a few photos and left them on your shelves.

Dinner was a two-table party, from Mama to your cousin from Singapore and his wife, and his mom, Aunt Jenny from JB, to children from other cousins, etc.

Today has been a strange quest for eating again.  I was quite contented with my big mug of soya bean drink at home when Peter rang and insisted that a proper lunch was required.  I went over to find myself gobbled down 4 servings of (brown) rice, soup & vegetables.   At 3pm I drove Peter and Nell to visit Mama, we bought about RM 20 worth of fried char-keoy snacks.  I had about half a dozen of those before I sat down and finished a small bowl of left-over fry glass noddles.  I was so full of food till I had to eventually lie down to nap.

So then there was dinner!  We (Peter, Nell and I) left your place to head towards SeeMing's.  She was making piazza!  And was ordering some comfort food for us (ie. vegetarian fried rice & Hokkien noddles).

I had about two slices of her yummy vegetarian pizza, and a good serving of the fried rice.

What an amazing weekend filled with food!

Am very sleepy now having stuffed my face all day and talking all day.  Am going over to your place in the morning to help fetch Aunt Vickie & Jenny to the train station.

Talk soon....

Love you x 100000000000000000000




Saturday, November 06, 2010

Letter thirty-one - Day thirty-three of your vacation

Dearest J,

I started eating today from 3pm right up to 11pm.  Happy Depaavali.   This morning I weighed myself, I arrived at 45kg again.  Will see how long I stay past 45kg.

Went to my first hip-hop class this morning, had a good work-out prancing about trying to look angry and tough.  Had lovely breakfast after the class alone at the bakery downstairs, it was simple, beautiful and quiet.  Public holidays in town is just pure bliss.

Went to your house in the afternoon and met your aunt Vicky from Singapore, finally.  So now I know this is the lady you stayed with previously where there is a cat in that house...she invited me to stay with her if I need a place in Singapore.

Dinner at Bombay Palace earlier was fantastic.  I think I will always prefer the food we had over at Eswaran's house on Deepaavali a few years ago.

Anyway, just want to share something I told Nell earlier via chat, you guess's about you again..

nell: ill never understand how much u miss him but we are here with you - i miss him too

 me:  you know what the great thing is? for us - the great thing is that we all live very well without him, 
we still live great lives (so far), so thats the gift from him
...he left with us in one piece, still in one piece
he didnt leave us in complete shambles
 nell:  are you living very well?  seriously?
 me:  i think so, for my standard yes.
it's a poor life without a guy like him, but am no short of happiness
i think thats the best thing that he's he given me.  the sadness i have now is nothing to do with the happiness i have... (i might not make sense yet)
what i am tryin to say is ok, this is very interesting for me - coz am thinking now
what am saying is:
i have always been a happy person because of a  few things. and justin wasnt 100% of that but he was the person who HELPED me to gain those few things that MAKE me happy.  i have always been happy bcoz i get to sing for a living - so singing makes me happy and he was the one who put me there, he helped me quit my job.   i have always been happy bcoz i am cheerful n sunny and He was the ONE who taught me to be sunny
and positive
so i am happy bocz i sing and bcoz am sunny, not directly bcoz of justin being there, physically next to me
24 hours a day.  but he was instrumental to my improved mind.  so now, i can still be happy without him - being physically next to me -  bcoz he has left me with  the ability to be happy on my own - singing & be positive...
nell, do i make sense ah?
 nell:  yes, u do
 me:  so ya, but you know and i know - i was ALSO happy bcoz i was in a good relationship with him
 nell:  yes
 me:  n i got a lot of emotional support from him, n he from mand now thats no more.  so thats the sad part
but at least he has taught me how to be happy.
 me:  i talk so long long
 nell:  u got a good mind going :)
 nell:  i am relieved.  no, it's good to let it out
 me:  so thats what i mean
 nell:  to talk long long
 me:  by i have a good life now at the moment. cant say about future
 nell:  at least now u also clearer about what u r feeling wat
 me:  its a good life, though without him the most important person to me for the past 8 years
...just have to learn to live with that
 nell:  yes, definitely, we learn something new everyday
good u have a clear mind & u sound fine to me - so tat's good
 me:  ya, sometimes i still cant believe he is just not here anymore.  duno how long it will take.  to really see he is gone
 nell:  it's ok, u dun need an answer immediately - take one day at a time la

Wow so sleepy now! Getting up early for pilates class!

Love you lots, 




Friday, November 05, 2010

our StarTrek

I just have to do this, re-blogging this, July 29th last year I published our gtalk chat on my blog...

wednesday, july 29, 2009

the future concept of life, on Star Trek, exploring on google chat

1am this morning....chatting with my man about the future, and now.

Justin: i'm a looooong term planner...just a little daft when it comes to short term planning
me: this long term planner...does he have his own savings?

Justin: no woh
me: your long term planning ahead requires no money for your future plans?
Justin: star trek
me: what is star trek?Justin: star trek evolves around the concept that in the future, there's no need for money, we have all we need to survive because we can make things efficiently without needed to work for it. You want a motorcycle, just press a button, you want a vintage dress, just press another button. Hence, the human species can concentrate on doing what they like to do as opposed to doing what they have to do. Hence, the exploration of deep space is what Star Trek is all about.
me: i think we need more time for that
Justin: planning too far?
me: so i dun think we will live that far into the future
Justin: scientist are working on it. they just need to find the gene to turn off aging. but that will introduce another problem - over population. imagine nobody dies (naturally) and just more and more are born. disaster
me: unless you are plannin to live into 300 years old, maybe you found a solution to extend human life to
300...anyway, i dun like the Star trek life, bcoz i cant figure how and what the purpose of living would be
if i press a button everyday to get what i want
Justin: you'll be singing for free
me: i guess...i duno if i will like it
Justin: but i guess, people don't have to hire you, they just press another button an a hologram of Janet Lee comes on stage, but if they want a real Janet Lee, they have to hire you
me: i will think about it...or blog about it, if i press a button n i dun need money for anything, how will i live happily....maybe i just post this whole conversation onto my blog can?
Justin: but you don't need money, so you only do the acts that you really like, the ones you really believe in, likeDama can hire you without needing to pay you
me: ok, interesting one to think about...but, for now, for the next 50 years - i think we need cash ok?
Justin: imagine, all the things you do will be closer to therecyclist work as opposed to your theatre work
me: ..hows is that?

Justin: you're not getting paid for recyclist
me: but am not working in theatre bocz they're paying me whatever x amount of money, if they pay me zero also am likely to play the role anyway, bcoz the playing the role is priceless, you see
star trek or not, it's already in our everyday lives -- there are things that money cannot the credit card ad says.
Justin: so imagine Dama and all other musicals, etc... and all other performances are purely for charity, you're living close to the Star Trek dream already!
me: well ya, but we still need to pay ppl who are not in the star trek live
, restauarants, doctors, teachers...
Justin: they will also be doing out of passion, not need - they teach because it makes them happy, they cook because it makes them happy and they save lifes because it makes them happy
me: err, but their grocers will want their cash when they buy a when they are teaching for FREE, in a way, they still have to trade it with cash to buy that bread - that has a price tag.
.....well, if the resources are all free, then i guess yes...ok it works. i think i understand this Star Trek concept better now
Justin: in the future, we're able to re-arrange the atoms and manufacture anything we need by just re-arranging the atoms, apple, honda-repsol, vintage dress, mustard, mountains, etc.. all things material are made out of atoms. The same atoms, rearrange them, we get a totally different maybe i should watch Star Trek n see what they do with all that freeedom
Justin: they just explore, explore, explore, some gossip, gossip and gossip all day, some fight, not for money but the other evil things like ego, power, etc...
me: what about me then?Justin: you? you just sing sing sing everyday!
me: no i mean, can you rearrange the atoms and make another me?
Justin: they cannot duplicate living beings because of the spirit
me: ok, you mean personality right?
Justin: can make another clone of you but it won't be you because it won't have the same experience path and learning
Justin: but that's Aeon Flux
me: wat?
Justin: your spririt, cannot clone one...
me: wat is aeon flux?
Justin: another sci-fi about the future of clonning, its a cult movie, started by MTV as a adult cartoon series, dark and sinister
Justin: goodnight...hope you feel better. and i'm saving, ok? not in terms of cash but in terms of intellectual capacity. i'm building myself to be able to do more things in the future. like your music training and voice training, etc...




Thank you SheahNee for your comment on my previous letter...thank you for sharing your thoughts.  Yes, keep thinking that, they are in better place now.  I will hold that thought too...

Am sitting in my study typing this as I listen to outside, where about maybe four to five different locations are blasting their joyful fire works into the night sky...for Deepavali.

And remembering how I am used to watching fire works here alone.  Last year on new year's eve I got home from a gig in time before the clock strike 12 and was happy to have beat the traffic outside.  Justin was away in Thailand on a bike trip with his friends.  You can imagine how pleased I was when he called me on his Thai number to chat with me while fireworks were going in the background, at my window and at his window...miles away.

He told me how pleased he was that he managed to finish reading a book just before midnight and the fireworks.

And I was pleased that I got home early and away from the crowd and all, eating my curry laksa maggie mee and got to chat with him.

We were just so happy to be together enjoying that joyful moment while being miles apart.  Pleased with ourselves and pleased with having each other on the line.

That is a beautiful memory, amongst millions of other beautiful ones we shared.



Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Letter thirty - Day thirty-one of your vacation

Dearest J,

I didn't see it coming, it just hit me...bad.  One of the most painful thoughts I go through some of these days is thinking of how you fell from your beautiful bike.

How you fell, I'd never ever know.  The most heart-wrenching is to think that the second you fell from your Repsol, you must have been...absolutely terrified.  None of us will ever find out how long it took for you to lost consciousness, and the thought that you might have been lying there alone for more than a...

...lying there fully conscious, and alone, and in pain and in shock for even just a second, or a few seconds - is enough to kill me.

I was driving home from your house after having had the most wonderful meal there with your parents, Mama and Aunt Ku Neeng.  The thought just came and I was helpless to not being able to gain control over it, I switched off the radio and played a Strauss opera and still the mental pictures kept coming. better now.  I just wait it out.

I wish you didn't have to be alone when you went, I keep telling myself that it's not important ANYMORE, but still it isn't easy to stop thinking how scared you would have been that moment...knowing how much you hate pain.  Maybe there was no pain at all, maybe you weren't scared at all, maybe, I'd never know.

Ok, time to walk away for now.

I went through some of your drawers at home and got a few items back for myself.

I found your Repsol's with me now.  There are a few of your old passport photos, I took them with me.

And a few of your old notebooks with your scribbling of thoughts, ideas for your presentation and whole lot of stuff that I might not understand.

And this Ambank KL International Marathon finisher medal.

Am hungry again, I stopped myself from gobbling down too much food earlier.  Alex and Yan haven't eaten yet when we started.

There will be another gathering-cum-prayer at your house this Nov 11th, your mom said it's the `40th-day prayer'.  That's one day earlier than my first acoustic gig.

Ok, now this is your line you said very often during our chats previously - "I'm going to look for food now."

I love you so much.

Till the next letter.





Letter twenty-nine - Day thirty-one of your vacation

Dearest J,

The cleaners are gone.  I tipped them for having mopped the floor many times.

I was sitting in the hall staring at these beautiful four walls, admiring this beauty of our home, simple, comfortable, unpretentious, clean, tasty...full of character.

The character that it has is now lessened, your foot prints are missing, the empty mugs you leave around the place, and your bike gloves and biking suits are no longer lingering the floor.  I have placed your day jacket inside your wardrobe.  Looking at the space there I was thinking I should start hanging my clothes in  your wardrobe space - the one two door space that I had allocated for your clothes.

I will be working hard to maintain this home, loans, maintenance fees, keeping it clean and in shape.  I try to see that even though it seems lonely that I am doing all these for myself now, it will soon have a better purpose, that is going to be larger than serving myself.  Serving myself on the plate, this pristine and lovely home.  I don't know what it is but I will wait for it.

The digital weighing machine I bought for you is still at the same place, just outside our bathroom.  You said you needed to use a digital one because at one point, a long while back, you were too heavy for the old machine to read your weight properly.  Sigh, this machine is under used.  I don't check my weight.  Should I give it to someone who needs it more?

Going to have dinner at your house.  Tomorrow will be an early day for me and Nell.  We are going to Suria at 730am for a tech rehearsal with the acting models.  My first stage manager job (though I only call for sound cues)!  Nell impressed all the clients and model bookers with her work with these models. These beautiful men and one female can act.  It's show time tomorrow at 8pm in Suria KLCC.

Ok, going to take out the laundry and change the floor mats.  Looking forward to Mama's cooking.

Will sleep early tonight.

Love you lots,