Runs on food and music, will sing for chips and pasta.

Friday, October 29, 2004

Happy Birthday To You

I hear this all the time:

"Aiyo you poor thing you, don't even have a proper pasmina...when is your birthday? Buy you one then."

"I saw these pair of shoes I think you'll really love, buy for your next birthday, when ah?"

"Kim's birthday's coming up, quick quick quick, what do we get her? Shall we all chip in?? Ok who's in?"

It doesn't matter whether deep in your heart, you really want to give that birthday girl a present or not...generally you get `pressured' into chipping in for that birthday gift that you probably won't get to see till the moment the birthday girl opens it in front of everyone at the party.

Yes I'm also a sucker for `chip-in' birthday gift, why not? These days it's the most convenient method of managing your PR with your friends...who has time to look for individual gift anymore? Sigh.

I used to make presents for school pals from something I already have. Sometimes I recycle gifts (I still think it's an excellent idea) except sometimes I can't share too much of my favourite methods, you see I think I shouldn't impose on others on the 2nd hand goods method.

I'm running the risk of sounding like a sour grape, I got a present from SM this year for my birthday and no one else gave me any physical presents, not even my boyfriend then (he did pay for the hearty meal two days before the day). My birthday was spent on my own (he was out of town then) and his family (whom I was staying with then) was going through a huge turmoil that I was just so happy to be well and good.

Why do we need birthdays to feel special, loved and sucker for gifts? I've heard all sorts of `worldly reasons' occasion to show one's love, an occasion worth celebrating, etc.

Celebration of life and love? Hello, shouldn't that be something we do everyday? Celebrate the miracle of life everyday!! Call your mom especially on your birthday to say how much you appreciate her care for you during the nine months and the years after the ordeal she went through.

Celebrate love everyday! Be nice to that birthday girl (which is all of us) everyday, that beats buying her a great nice gift for just once a year. Buy her gifts whenever you feel like buying her a gift. The meaning is deeper when you do buy it when you FEEL like buying a gift for someone.

If you never felt like buying that person who is celebrating his birthday tomorrow, then what are you hoping to achieve by chipping in that gift the others are getting him? That you care for him and want him to have that present that you probably are not the one getting it and probably couldn't care what it is??

Get real (am saying this to myself also), be sincere. Of course I'm not saying you shouldn't buy your boss that present you know he'll like and will therefore promote you to that position you soooo all means, do whatever PR work you need for your own sake but if it's a friend, an acquaintance, be sincere.

And if you do care for the person, you don't have to wait for once a year occasion to buy him things, do it whenever, wherever.

Birthday is just another day. So it's Valentine's day, mother's day, Christmas, Halloween, wedding anniversary...

Everyday is worth celebrating. Deal?


Thursday, October 28, 2004

Prostitute from Hell

note: self-indulgence piece, more than usual.

Halloween weekend!!!!!!

Going to a costume party with the gals! No costume no took me about five seconds to decide that I won't rent any costumes from the shop and three minutes to decide that I can dress as a prostitute, if they consider that a costume.

If you know me kinda well then you won't be surprise why `prostitute'. In fact, CT complained when she heard of the plan:"You are suppose to dress up as someone ELSE to the party! Hint*"

Well, I recently bought a pair of fishnet stockings. At the point of buying I had no idea what I was going to do with it...I go to parties like, about twice a year and most parties don't call for that kind of dress code.

Now I have a stage for the stockingss!! This Friday!

Tell you anymore will give my costume away but I need to show you how good I am at styling so I will tell away...

Good thing I keep most of the retro belts that Aunty SM gave me, I picked out the two gold chain-belts. These will go on my slutty green mini dress. The fishnet stockings, the three-inch strappy heels....and the sleazy gold earings with big hops and pearls will give my `Pretty Woman' look some umph. Then with the 60's black curls wig I will look just `nice'.

Now I need some Halloween accessories....I guess the theme could be: the whore from hell. I will settle for maybe a scar drawn across my neck and oh, better not forget to paint my nails...will try to get a black one tonight.

What else...I wonder what kind of purse or handbags dead whores carry. I guess I will let my Oroton silver mesh bag make a debut this Friday.

Must get more funky stockings...they come in handy for occasions like this.


Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Food fools


excuse me. Lunch at `Unique Seafood' with new boss (he's been on board for over five months now). The rest had the typical Chinese seafood set lunch while I ordered two vegetarian dishes, the stir-fry Chinese Romaine Lettuce with fermented bean curd was good, the tofu swimming in mixed vege sauce was so-so.

Typical, there was a karaoke machine in the private lunch room.

Being a Chinese and a vegetarian (in my own right, I eat eggs and cheese), I'm generally quite disgusted at the eating style of my fellow Chinese.

Ya, I'm disgusted at you people out there. Sue me.

I can't stand the extend they go to savour seafood, exotic name it. They drive miles out of town to some smelly, dirty restaurants with rude waiters just to pay very high price to stuff your face in cooked (or not) animals.

Ok, helping me to further illustrate my disgust is Audi's thoughts on disgusting, expensive food that some of us love to eat, The Relenting Force of Nature. Read it and you know how I feel when one engrosses oneself in describing his eating experience of some expensive but gross seafood.

And these restaurants stink like shit. You know how it's like THE thing to do now, to display all these fucking huge and stinking tanks full of sea creatures about to be slaughtered and become your lunch or dinner.

And someone commented that in China, these exotic or seafood restaurants actually look like a zoo! He said at the entrance of these happening eating places, there are cages and tanks with monkeys, dogs, crabs, snakes, fishes....what the fuck?

Why do we eat like that? I quote ST from his article [Why We Acquire Tastes for Nasty Things]:

"Shit is an acquired taste if you feed yourself enough of it."
from Big Big Planet

And you people ask me why am I a vegetarian. Duh.

'nuf said.

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Monday, October 25, 2004

Just Updates

Haha, finally used the washing machine on Saturday, with some difficulties. It went straight to spinning right after first round of soap washing, I stopped the machine and played around it for a while then figured out a way to get to rinse, before it spin my clothes dry.

It was nice and peaceful doing chores in am empty apartment, half naked.

I have adapted to eating alone there, locking up after myself and put the water to boil, etc. I like fussing about in the kitchen and reading at the dining table.

My friendship with J got better these days. We hang out more these days and it's all bright and breezy, though I foresee some nagging from others coming my way. I still have mixed feelings about the whole thing but it's not bothering me now.

The concert is over. It was enriching and fun all the way, despite the stress and anxieties. Got some new friends and hope to stay in CM's singers book for a while.

Next in toll, exams and competition!!!!!!!!!!

Went to ST's new studio/school/centre/whatever on Saturday for my lesson. All I saw was how much money has gone down to make some students happy...according to him all these are done for his student --- after their relentless pleading for opening a school in a prime, strategic location.

I could have passed out when I first heard that. WHAT? You spent all these money because a few of us (NOT ME, no fucking way, I didn't care if I had to drive to Timbuktu to attend his lessons, I like going to `home studio') bugged you??

ok ok, am not going to continue the rant, not worth my air time here. It's my life and my choice, if I decided to stay with the same coach, I will pay whatever (up to what I can afford) extra fees, the result of setting up the new school. I'm sure I will come to see the reasons for the school soon.

Major sore throat....going to try the Apple Cider Vinegar a friend recommended.


Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Relationship Limbo

I'm in this state of mind that I have never experienced before; I'm in between a relationship and singlehood. I'm officially single but I don't feel like one.

Am also in between...other things, my emotions are drifting between simple joy of staying alone and the occasional lump in my throat. But I'm not complaining, things could be a lot worse. I count my blessings nowadays.

I can't say that I don't enjoy spending time alone in the apartment, shopping in the supermarket, etc; just that I wonder if I'll get too comfortable with that lifestyle and later get too afraid to get out of the zone.

With the concert opening in two days, my mind hardly have time to idle...I don't have time to miss my old life, his family, him. If not for the crazy schedule, I'd probably miss snuggling up to him in the morning, etc. (These days my weekday mornings are disciplined and organised, leaving house no later than eight am) Going home every night past midnight is not that exciting. My active brain drags my tired body to work everyday, but night at the rehearsals I feel fine, but the drive home is the scary part where I have to keep my eyes open and body alert, tough work.

I target to hit the sack by 11pm tonight.

Haven't had time to use the beautiful washing machine yet.

I'm enjoying the limbo. Just don't make me stay there too long.



Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Drama Minggu Ini

Despite the fact that I think I'm absolutely a fantastic driver, sometimes I think I should be left on the passenger side.

(And mark this: I took the test for the first time in Oct last year and passed! No kopi money! I drive, read this: MANUAL Nissan with NO POWER STEERING, driving style: Gangster from Pandan Indah)

Why do I say that? Something happened...just half an hour ago. I drove home from work to pick up a dress for rehearsal tonight. Took the dress, got in car and as I was waiting in queue at the exit of the condo, BANG! The first half a second I thought "Fuck shit! I hit that BMW in front of me!" Next second I went "That idiot back into my bumper!!"

You see, I didn't know who hit who. That's so strange and scary, I should stay at home. I can't remember the second before the slight collision what was I doing...but I remember my foot was firm on the brake.

It's got to be him la.

Anyway, he got out of the car and look at the car's ass and went back to the car. I was half cursing him and half wondering if it was me who hit his car. After he got back into the car I went out and had a look at my notorious Nissan bumper, haha, not a scratch.

Then the fucker behind my car horned. I looked at the driver with my super big frog shades (Sungei Wang, RM 19) and yelled "WHAT??!!"

The guy in the BMW stopped his car by the side of the road and look at his bumper again...still no sign of confrontation, I drove passed him to take a look of his face and sped off.

By then I guessed it was him who hit me that's why he didn't say a thing (I would have kicked his pretty ass if I was sure that it wasn't me). I looked back few times and after a while some cars overtook him.

I coolly drove back to office. At just the traffic light outside Phileo I saw him again!!!! (I think it's him...a dark green dusty BMW with lousy looking bumper, plate number 8828)


Then we both took the turn into Phileo!!!!!

I took the other entrance into the car park and never saw the car again.

Did I hit him or did he hit me??

BTW, the driver didn't look too bad, just thought I'd let you know.


Friday, October 15, 2004

cooking for one

I have yet to figure out the best `cooking for one' formula. Groceries bought in the smallest portion is still too big for one head...before I have time to eat at home, the food would have gone bad. My first loaf of High 5 bread gone bad...the not-so-fresh onions from the store downstairs too got thrown out after my first cook-out.

My current cooking routine is eggs, pasta, eggs and lots of eggs. Making pasta can hardly qualify as cooking. I plan to slowly upgrade to soups, rice (when I receive a rice cooker as a gift) and maybe more vegetables.

I have yet to train to cook with less salt and oil. I'm currently sharing most of the cooking results with office or Chief, I shouldn't -- the cost will go up. Cooking for one is tricky, getting your portion right is the tricky bit.

Chief said he is going to the States for work, coming back in about three weeks' time. I told him there will be wild parties when he is gone.

Just kidding him la. No one in the right mind would want to clean up the whole place all by herself. The wild party would be walking round naked, that saves water for laundry...:)

Yay!! The whole place for myself...I can't wait but I doubt I will have much time to spend at the apartment. I imagine getting lonely and start talking to myself, or to the washing machine....aiyo! It's only three freaking weeks!!!! Maybe he only said two weeks.


I'm going to have fun, no matter what. I like that, `no matter what'. I've been `working very hard' since moving in, getting up early for work, prepare breakfast, cook, clean my room, shopping for groceries, sing, rehearsals, audition...etc.

I want to just do nothing in the new place. Just sleep, or just swim and eat and sleep...but,

this week: rehearsals
Oct 22, 23 & 24: The Voices of The Women concert
Nov: Voice exams!!!
Dec: National Finals!!!
Jan: hope to get accepted to M! Opera!!!

Had dinner last night at Justin's, to drop off half kg of Muruku for his dad, to pick up some laundry and toileterries, still couldn't find my Clinique soaps there. Mama seemed cheerful, she gave me a tight hug and smooch. His room was very clean, bed sheets untouched and bathroom dry and clean...he hasn't been back there for two days, I was told.

This feels weird but I can't really say what. The only difference it seems, it's that I stay elsewhere, I sleep with myself now and not with him. Other than that, the relationships I have with his family remain quite the same, even with him it sort of feels like same, apart from the physical thing.

When I don't think about getting dumped I don't feel anything. It's almost like I have flushed it out of me. I only cried a little bit when O and I talked about it last week. It's been six weeks and three days since he called it off...six weeks. I have come up pretty damn fast. It's so fast I can't believe some of it....

I'm going to have fun, no matter what.



Wednesday, October 13, 2004

the silly soloist

This is a highly offensive post, please refrain from reading if you work in the music industry.

Just up to what extend would you let others judge your craft?

I have been in situation and have witnessed others in a position where we put up with others' scrutiny of our craft, arts, whatever.

For artists, it's a painful (ok, bittersweet) and s almost necessary process to go through until you reach a level where the whole world agree that you are `it', you have arrived, in a singer's case: Diva.

Divas are soloists.

Soloists are people who are brave enough to stand out from a group and strut their stuff. A soloist is someone who is so ballsy that she could stand the world looking on and judge how good she is at she is doing. At times she gets laughed at for the stupid mistake she made in the course of improving, "She diva la, of course she can't sing in written timing!

You can say that soloists have no ego, that's why they are less inhibited and enjoy being on stage alone to entertain the world.

Or you can say that soloists have huge ego, that's why they crave the attention they get from being a soloist.

It's easier to scrutinize a soloist than a group. Group performers have the safety of a `group energy' to work with. Your flaws are not so pronounced in a group. The trade off is of course, you have to love sharing the stage.

Soloists have stronger personality. Once you decided to be a soloist, you are on your own, no kidding, you have to fend for yourself. You screw up a note, that's because you are incompetent, you won't have your group mates to hide behind. Sure, the mistakes you make are instantly magnified for the mere fact that you're a soloist, in return if you shine on stage, is glory is all yours, yours alone.

So you decide, do you have balls to go solo? Yes, I'm saying soloists got more balls, sue me.

I'm going solo, but I had better fucking buy a metronome to improve my sloppy time-keeping in singing.



Janet in concert

See me in concert. Singing as part of The DeoGratias Choir. See previous post for details.




Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Sisters with Voices

[The Voices of The Women]
- A concert of folksongs, arias and choir songs -


Cecilia Yap Keat Chee (23 & 24 October)
Toh Ching Ling
Tan Sin Sim
Kho Mei Ling (22 October)
Zalina Lee
Jacqueline Tan

The DeoGratias Choir & friends (conducted by Yap Cheng May)

Geneviene Wong

Programme includes Sunetra Fernando & Adrian Lee's KERAMAT CINTA (from the Malay Rock opera [Uda Dan Dara]), Chinese art songs, arias from [Madama Butterfly] (Puccini), [The Merry Widow] (Lehar), [Die Fledermaus] (Strauss), [Rusalka] (Dvorak), [Lullaby Of Birdland] (Shearing), and choral pieces by Elgar.

22, 23 & 24 October, 2004
DA Theater, MCC City, Ue3 Plaza, Jalan Loke Yew, Kuala Lumpur


Zen Feel Tea House
03 2070 8530

D.A. Theater
03 9283 3511

P. G. Ng
012 255 4579

The Music Junk Food Productions

MCC City, Ue3

The Choristers
Zen Feel Tea House


the price of beauty

I should be laughed at for torturing myself, my feet, to be specific. Wait, my friends, and the guy at the shoe repair shop are already laughing.

Serve me right.

Collected Aldo 284 from One Utama's [Stop n Go], the pair got stretched to half a size (according to the shop guy) bigger in the toe area. A beautiful piece of leather work, a killer on the feet. I put them on the spot, it still feel tight at the toes (NEVER, EVER buy sharp toe front shoes) but much better than before so I told him I would take them for now.

Looks like I might just need another fucking trip back there. I'm wearing them now, I'm sitting down and I'm fine. When I walk in them I feel like the mermaid walking on her new feet -- hell.

A pair of stocking will make all the difference. It's a pain wearing those but they will help. Christ, Aldo 284 size 37 IS my size but the toe room is made too small. I told the girl at Aldo that some women in the States `laser' the bones in their feet to fit into shoes like mine.


Lately I have been obsessing the classic Audrey flat shoes, it's just that those ballerina flaties will look ultra ugly with the `tailored-look' black pants. Flaties are great with cropped pants but CM will not have any funny looking cropped garments on stage, would she?

Oh ya, the occasion for my indulgence in shoes and pain...details cominng up in next post.


Monday, October 11, 2004

Old Topic

Things I got after the break-up:

1. phone calls and emails from people who care about me
2. I got motivated in taking care of myself
3. I got back to reading
4. I got a new place for myself
5. a new book shelf
6. new emotional independence (working on it)
7. new hobby -- writing
8. got motivated to sing more
9. I think about how to improve myself more
10. It makes me treasure things I used to take for granted
11. It makes me want to live better, good things end fast, so better live the moment while you are at it.
12. It makes me ask myself why every time I'm angry, and whether it's worth it to get angry. I got a quote to go with this:

"Anyone can become angry -- that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way -- that is not easy." --- Aristotle, The Nicomachean Ethics

Emails with a friend. First email reply:

Dear O,

thank you for your note. when i read about others' break-up i feel like the pain i feel it's universal also.

I think even though the pain and the hurt I feel from the break-up/getting-dumped experience is bad and it created a lot of negativity, it also did give me something good in the process: like forcing me to look at myself more, the way I find happiness and sense of contentment, etc. the break-up invoked a lot of important thinking for me and like others, we all become stronger in the process.

am current reading Daniel Goldman's Emotional Intelligence, the first chapter talks about how the rational & emotional minds work together, it's interesting. so while you feel the pinch reading my blog that reminds you of your past, you know it's your emotional mind taking over, then when you snap back into your rational mind, you'll get back on track and do what you do.

it would be nice to see you again sometime, I can do with more friends, really. call me if you are out watching a show/anything cool.


Second email:

Hi O,

i felt humiliated too, amongst other feelings like un-attractive and low self esteem, etc. but when i read this heartbreak handbook thingy i know that these feelings are normal but they are not the real reflections of us so i just let them passed, it took a while but it wasn't that long as i imagined.

maybe i have or maybe i have not recovered from it but i will make sure in the mean time i treat myself well, like sleeping well and all that.

good to talk to someone about this now that most of my friends have stopped talking to me about this.


Third email:

justin and i are still friends, he helped me move and we still meet for meals, except it feels different now. we are probably a little more formal now. in some ways i feel that not much has changed except i have moved out and away from his family house and that we are no longer lovers. it hurts still when i think about because i cherish those things i shared with him, ideologies, principles and happiness. i guess i can still share those with him, but on different level.

he broke the news to me, on the ground that he feels no romance's left except he cares for me like a sister/friend, and also incompatibility.

i don't know whether staying as friends with him and see him sometimes will do me any good but while it makes me feel good that we are friendly, I will keep to it until something bad happens.


Fourth email:

Hey O,

good question, i dread the thought of knowing him seeing someone new. i think that would make me very upset, thinking i wasn't good enough for him and all that.

yes we still friends. when he dropped the bomb on me it was like reality ceased to exist too, i didn't see it coming, i was broken and was scared to face the world the weeks after. but i had weeks after that to talk to him still, about what happened, etc and that calmed me down.

the relationship has been one-sided for a while except i didn't know it was one-sided because he didn't tell me it was going to end, or that his feelings were thinning. i blamed him for that and now i have accepted the cruel fact that it was just what happened and nothing he and i can do to make things any better/any different.




Peanut Butter & thoughts

I took a picture of the first dish I made @ new place. Pesto pasta with...just onions and garlic. Chief (chief tenant guy) was my first customer, a happy customer.

Then I made omelette with the expired eggs I bought from Tesco (ya, check this out, they sell EXPIRED eggs in Tesco and I was stupid enough to have bought it). I probably wasn't thinking when I made that, because I poured at least about eight table spoons of oil into the non-stick frying pan. Was I thinking? No. It was awful, all we could taste was oil, I threw the thing out after an hour.

Last night's supper after rehearsal was my new love: peanut butter sandwich. It felt good because it was the first time I skipped supper at the mamak with the gang, I could never say no to it usually because I love hanging out with the girls. But it makes me feel like I could take care of myself when I skipped the outing and had an early rest, not forgetting also saving five or six bucks on food.

The decision to cook, no, the decision to try to cook for myself as much as possible is so that I can eat better food and second, hopefully it's a cheaper option than eating out all the time.

The pesto sauce is my favourite sauce but it isn't cheap -- good food
The peanut butter, however, can last many loaves of bread -- cheap food

I suppose if I only need to cook for myself and not offer some to chief every time I cook, the food stuff could more miles.

Please don't think all this careful planning is due to my reckless purchase of the Aldo 284. Really, it's for the long should aim to cook and eat out less too.

Actually it's all starting to sound quite good now, the new life. I can't say that it would be exciting but it would be good for at least...let's say, before I get bored. I visualise going grocery shopping after work on Fridays, wake up on Saturdays to have light breakfast before my voice lesson. Come back from class and cook for late lunch and dinner, swim in the evening. Sunday mornings can start with a quick dip in the pool and then make meals from whatever left over from Saturday.

Nice and quiet. I guess after a while it will get too quiet. Of course in between my solitary cooking and swimming I would have outings with friends, sometimes with Justin even.

I'm still feeling lazy about meeting new people and networking. I was at a working event recently and it was a scary experience: I stood there at the reception table, unable to move my feet across the hall and make conversations with the clients. It was so hard, I was hesitant, worried I would make a fool of myself trying to make the right conversation topic. It was like jumping into the deep end of the pool for the first time, it was scary.

I know the only way to kill the fear is to face it. I did some talking with some of them finally but it was nothing compares to what I should have done. It's been too long since I last felt comfortable just talking up anyone. Or maybe because it was a surrounding I wasn't familiar with (it was my colleague's project, not mine). Whatever it was, I wish I had thicker skin that day....I used to be known for having thick skin!!!!

SM said I should work towards getting paid for my real talents. It makes perfect sense but I wonder how many actually get down to getting a job in an industry where their real talents lie.

My talents are singing, fashion styling, organising jumble sales & science camps, front house works and writing diaries.

Anyone got jobs for the above?



Friday, October 08, 2004

Material Girl

Please stop reading if you are not shallow because this is a blonde post.

I blew RM 284 on a pair of black heels, for a performance where we don't discuss singers' pay. Wow me, wow, I'm a big spender.

Before I blew my last three hundred bucks in my wallet, I spent RM 150 on a pair of sexy black pants for the same reason.

Who says women are reasonable? I skipped dinner (good thing I munched on those steamed peanuts before I left for One Utama) and walked non-stop from six fifteen pm right up to ten pm when the stores were closing. And as if starving myself was not bad enough, I tried on countless pairs of spiky-killer-ill-fitting black pumps.

Finally at ten pm, I settled for the most expensive pair I saw the entire evening, because they were the best I found. Aldo, the label name, Canadian, I was told by the slightly cocky but helpful shop hand, "It's all fully-imported."

What do you mean by `FULLY-imported'?, I asked sarcastically. Didn't get me, she frowned and repeated, "Fully imported, I-M-P-O-R-T-E-D." Exactly, what is the difference between `imported' and 'fully imported'? What the fuck is `fully-imported' anyway??

Anyway, the pair that burnt the hole in my wallet: Aldo black pumps (actually it's stiletto), size 37, RM 284, I think two and a half inch heels. Let's call it Aldo 284.

Aldo 284 should do nicely with the RM 150 sexy high-waisted black pants. The pants is the kind so fitting that you are suppose to wear and refrain from eating.

Oh ya, walked pass Beatrice Looi and got my second dress there, this time I paid the full price because there was no sale. Cream color floor length dress, again, it's empire-waisted with chiffon outer skirt, with chiffon scarf-straps that I figured out, can be worn as:

1. shoulder straps

2. tube dress -- tie the scarf-straps at my back

3. sleeves -- straps to go round my shoulders and tie/pin down at the back with a ribbon knot

I know I have talent in styling.

Dress, RM 335, alteration fee, RM 30. I hope I get into the National Finals (final/evening round) in December. Otherwise I'll just be a stylo-mylo wannabe.

With all that achieved, I didn't get to buy the much needed table clock, tissue paper and floor mat.

I should be officially broke for the month very soon. I will be living on my favourite cruisine: Maggi Mee very soon. If you are visiting me soon, please get me some food stuff, for my meals between now and my next paycheck, end of October. Thank you all kindly.


Haven't shop like that for a while now. Shopping in One Utama is quite an experience, especially if you are alone and have plenty of time to wander around, I mean you eyes wander around.

There are just so, so many, so many very pretty girls out there. No, I think `pretty' sounds wrong, it's not how I would describe them....let me see,

incredibly well-groomed
polished looks
`Marie France' bodies
too-good-to-be real looks
unbelievably fair-skinned
above average height
straight long hair (I also have straight hair but mine is not straightened)

You get the picture? Where the hell did they come from? I don't this phenomenon few months ago. I spent the whole night ogling at them and wonder if suddenly the Singapore island girls have migrated to One Utama. Yes, I get it. They all look like the typical (yes, TYPICAL, sue me) Singaporean girls.

Although I must admit that I wish I have better skin, I can't say that I envy them, because they all look so `sama'. Same hair, same clothes, same boyfriends, same make-up (oh yes, the make-up!)...etc.


Thursday, October 07, 2004

Sex and Us

Good stuff I read yestterday, thanks J. Keep good articles coming ok?

The Brothel Creeper

I'll never look at the occupation the same again. I can't say I will respect ALL the men who pay for the service but I don't think a willing hooker is doing anything wrong.

Am also reading some writings on the net of the same topic:

Theoretical View of the Degrading Nature of Prostitution

It seems like the whole world thinks the female is a weaker species when it comes to sex. Haven't it occured to anyone that sex can be a powerful tool to the female? Maybe many tend to associate paid sex for violence and male-domination.

Just something for us to think about, for the weekend.

But seriously, what's wrong (in the context of just one goods seller and one goods buyer) with a woman willing to be paid for to have sex with a man who is willing to pay for it? No one walks away being hurt or sad what's wrong with it?

I qoute from the Brother Creeper article:

"Of course, the general feeling in this country is that the man is somehow exploiting the woman, but I don't believe this. In fact, the prostitute and the client, like the addict and the dealer, is the most successfully exploitative relationship of all. And the most pure. It is free of ulterior motives. There is no squalid power game. The man is not taking and the woman is not giving. The whore fuck is the purest fuck of all."


Wednesday, October 06, 2004

The Road to Home

It's been three days since I moved to Diaman Crimson. The traffic to work in the morning has been far better than I imagined, maybe traffic is simply better between 8am to 8:30am on LDP highway. I have been the first to arrive in office for two days, starting the day early and alone in the office is GREAT.

Everything is so far good I must say, far better than I thought. Haven't had much time to feel lonely yet. However, the loneliest time of the day for me is the drive home every night from wherever; driving past the junction where I used to turn into to `go home', thinking I have to get used to the new route to `home'. That is the most painful part of my day. I read from [Tuesdays] that to detach yourself from painful feelings, you first have to fully embrace it, so I did not try to steer my mind away from it last night. I let the sense of helplessness enveloped me completely.

Going home to people gave me a sense of security and warmth. It didn't matter if they were already asleep when I get back, it's knowing that they are there under the same roof as you and you feel close to them.

I wish my mom is here now.

I called Mama last night on the way to my rehearsal.

"Mama? JANET!!!"

"Ah Genet!!" she can't pronounce Janet.

"Mama how are YOU?!!" I'm used to screaming on the phone with her because she can't hear very well now.

"Mama just took a nap and then I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep so I'm You didn't come home last night??"

"I didn't come back because I've moved out!"

" ahh, you bad person, you move out and now I cannot sleep at night, thinking of you. Every night I think of you and how you don't sleep here anymore."

".....err, did Justin come home to sleep?"

"Mama don't know, never see him. Did he come home to sleep?"

"I don't know Mama."

"You very bad la, you go and leave mama alone here."

"It's not me. Why don't you ask Ah-Lo to come down and stay here?" Ah Lo is actually ' Rose', Justin's future sister-in-law if the two get married. Rose had became Ah-Lo when Mama started calling her Ah-lo instead of `Rose'.

"...that one she different. She not so `Ang Moh' like you. She will be too shy to stay here all the time. She is more Chinese than you."

"Ok ok, tomorrow I come for dinner ok?"

I will go for dinner in the house and after which I can help Justin's mom to send the Wednesday cleaners back to USJ. And for one thing, I miss home food like crazy, it's only been three days.

I don't know when but I hope the day is soon, when I stop feeling like shit every night when I drive past THE junction to `go home' to my new place.


Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Latest Read

Found this book on the shelf at Zen Feel Tea House, Jalan Sultan. Was there last week for the The Voice of The Women concert rehearsal. My singing apparently suck that day, so this book seems to be THE reward.

[Jin Guo Zhi Wei] (the taste of the forbiden fruit) is by Zhang Xiao Xian, a Chinese writer, her compilation of short essays on relationship.

Her observation of the modern relationship of men and women is sharp. Many of them will make us turn uneasily in our chairs.

The writing is so good that if I try to translate it would lose its meaning, I fear. Want to read it? Let me know, I might just get myself a copy...hopefully after ten rounds of reading I will be able to translate some of the pieces that touched me.



Monday, October 04, 2004

The Move

Thank you one and all, SM, Sim, my boss, and Justin.

The books went there first, with some toileteries on Thursday. Then the massive unloading of clothes and knick knacks on Saturday with Sim. Last night Justin and I sort of completed the move with CD player, music books, fixing up new bookcase, lamp, new bed sheets and etc.

I did my best to have a normal day on Saturday, was very emotional when Mama stood in the room while I packed. She was upset that the `unit' is now broken and that I was moving out.

"Who is going to take care of him now that you are gone?" she asked. I learned that I love taking care of a person but I know now that is not good enough.

"Why don't you move to your sister's place so that she can take care of you?" she asked me. But only I know that what I got from this relationship was not only the nursing when I'm sick, it's the emotional reliance that was addictive. My days of staying with family and relative is over but when I started living with Justin's family it felt good.

"I'm going to call him and fight with him." she announced when I stopped packing and left for my singing class. Of course she wouldn't fight with him, she's started to believe that if she nags him too much, he would come home less.

Sunday was a full shopping day at Ikea. I feel guilty buying Ikea items for my new room, I feel that I have just become a statistic for them. Their products are mass produced and everyone has one...if you owned an Ikea bookcase, that would be the most unoriginal furniture you have in your house. I gave myself the excuse of lack of time to shop elsewhere and also the fact that I don't own a place yet so there's no call for shopping for the ideal furniture (from second-hand market).

By two thirty in the morning, I have most things in place at the new room and Justin was ready to leave. At the door of my new place, a new beginning, we had a long meaningful hug and I saw him off to the lift in distance.

I remember five years ago when I first moved to a rented place, staying away from family members for the first time, I cried those weary tears on the first night, I was scared to be alone. It was the same fear I had when I was sent to kindergarten. Fear of change and intimidated by the unknown surrounding. Though my room now is comfortable and clean, it reeks of unfamiliarity and loneliness.

But I didn't shed a single tear after he left. I was too tired and a little worried about waking up on time to go to work. I washed up, set the air-conditioner to right temperature and jump straight into the new sheets.

I decided that I'm now five years older than my virgin separation from family, I have the strength I didn't have back then...though it's funny how I got out of the solitary life and got myself a family and now I'm back to just myself.

Of course now I won't be uncomfortable singing in my room at anytime of the day :)


Friday, October 01, 2004

New bed, old heart?

Damai Block, Diaman Crimson, nice address huh?

It's definitely a grand upgrade from my Pandan Indah's Nuri Court where I started with a plastic wardrobe. Now this new room comes with a built-in wardrobe (ceiling-high and VERY new), a BRAND NEW bed (high wooden head board and very classy), study desk (maybe it's a vanity desk) and air-conditioner.

The thing that impress anyone who walks in is that it's VERY clean. The kitchen is fully equipped with stoves, microwave and a fridge. Washing machine is free for me to use, Astro (though I hope I spend more time reading, we'll see) shower, shoe cabinet, etc.

The man: the chief tenant is my only housemate, a QA engineer, seems easy-going. He spent loads on the furnishings...he must be loaded.

Facilities: swimming pool, reading room (bring your OWN reading materials), gym, badminton court.

Amenities: Laundry, snooker centres (two of them!!), hair saloons, facials, tuition centre, mamak, chinese hawkers, convenient stores...etc.

Potential: it would be a `love shack' for me - where I learn to love myself more and love others; a place where I would have more regular singing practices; a place where I cook and read, rest and heal, sing and dance.


When I go through a day without stopping to think of him, it genuinely shocks me: the speed of my healing..well, I can't say for sure but it feels like healing. And I can't tell whether it is my heart or my head that is finally registering and accepting the incident...

I thought my feelings would linger a while longer, I thought I'd go through months and months of lifeless living. I hope I'm not in denial and imagine all this `healing' thing going on. I still feel a lot of love for him, but perhaps the emotional attachment is slowly losing its grasp.

Thoughts for the weekend, quotes from [Tuesday with Morrie]:

"Everyone knows they're going to die, but nobody believes it. If we did, we would do things differently."

"Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live."

"We are too involved in materialistic things, and they don't satisfy us. The loving relationships we have, the universe around us, we take these things for granted."



new chapter

Achievement this week: finally told my sister about the break-up, and the moving out. Last night I announced to mama (justin's granny) that it's over and I'm out of there.

My sister didn't go all hysterical on me, and I'll always love her for that. Said she's glad that I will have my own space now and that we should hang out more now...that warm the cockles of my heart :)

Mama (as expected) decided that I was silly enough to have piss off my man and therefore got dumped. I refused to give any explanation, she can ask him if she wants to know, whatever I say will be used against me anyway. Anyway, she gave me a `I told you so' lecture but half way through I decided I have had enough so I told her `good night' and walked off, relieved that I have made the announcement. Of course at the same time it breaks my heart to know that she will be so much more alone now, no maid, no `daughter-in-law'....she will completely devastated once justin also move out of the house.

It breaks my heart to see that while the new place getting more cosy by the day, the people staying in it aren't getting any happier. People leaving, mama is getting old and sick, mummy (justin's mom) is undergoing treatment, the men are obsessing with the business...sigh.

It's all so surreal, leaving a place and people I have been with for the past two and half years. It's harder than leaving my home in Taiping, you have no idea. I've grown so used to this life, the people, the dog, the furniture, the family friends...while I pack I look around and try to imagine the room without my things around, and then soon maybe without his things too.

Though I secretly wish the family would suffer the loss of him (as I have) when he moves out of there, I deeply and sincerely hope that he would change his mind and stay with his family, the people who love him unconditionally and deeply.

I haven't cried for quite a few days now but just thinking of how miserable mama will be bring tears to my eyes. Despite her harsh words sometimes, I love her still.


As much as I know that my brains are making changes and adapting to the change, my subconscience is still largely unaware of the moving. I cannot imagine waking up in that new neighbourhood, it's a little painful imagining...but I can't wait till all these are over.