Clouds and Silver Lining

Am not sure where I got my trait of positivism from, I'd like to think that I've rubbed it off J.  Am please to know that I have remained a person who always look for the silver lining on a cloudy day.

Life is wicked, it has its own funny, wicked way of teaching you things.  Haven't you noticed that for those of us who walked away from a crisis, a predicament; or just simply, those of us who got shit on, but got out of it as a survivor, is stronger? And became stronger, a better, wiser person - have you?

Today has been a really productive day.  A full productive day on first day of Raya.

Last year on first day of Raya, J and I took a long slow walk from Viva to KLCC.  We have done that kind of walks many times before, at other places.  We are lovely that way that we both enjoy the serenity of just walking, looking at the streets and places at a speed we don't see when we're riding in cars or on bikes.  Sometimes we hold hands, sometimes we talk, sometimes he walks ahead and sometimes I lead.  He bought me some new books at Kinokuniya in KLCC and we had some tea at the Harley Davidson shop in the mall.  It's just so nice to have such memories to embrace on Rayas.

Spent the whole day out with Nell and Peter and gang.  Morning open house at Zakri's, with Sushee and gang.  I people-watched and devoured the great Raya delicacies there with an ease I haven't been able to find for days - given what have been happening in my head the last week.  We hung out quite a bit, played with Zakri's godsons and just chilled.  Next stop we moved to F Sulaiman's open house.  I continued to eat while Peter and Nell watched me eat and chatted.  I sat at a table full of ballet dancers/teachers/ex-dancers, etc, totally enjoyed myself in the world of ballet conversations.  We stayed till it was dinner time...

Drove over to Peter's to allow him 5 mins to change into something more friendly for casual dinner with TP's mom and gang.  Tania and mom, TP and mom, and her friend, TP's brother.  Social catching-up couldn't get more productive than today's itinerary.  To top it off, we dropped into Zal's after dinner to check on her new born and to fill her in on what's been happening outside of her confinement.

Anyway, back to the starting subject of the entry.  Recent happenings at rehearsals have been a rich journey of character-building and learning process.  There have been days when I doubted the choice I made, I weigh on the pros and cons of my decision and try to find all the positive grounds in it.

Amongst some of the rather profound ideas that came up in conversations today :) -

Ego can build a person, can kill it too.

Don't let your ego play its tricks on you, it can bring about a lot of unnecessary stress and really, a waste of our time.

Understanding our insecurities help...

Knowing what's important to us help...

It's a nice feeling knowing what your next move is.  I am looking forward to another week of unknown uncertainties, from the external - and knowing where my heart lies and where my head is.

Letter one hundred and five - Day three hundred and twenty-three of your vacation

Dearest J,

I need to get myself a collection of Michael Jackson's music soon.  Am hooked again :)

Went to the Science Centre yesterday to fetch Seeming and Max for lunch, with my sister on her 40th birthday.  That was my first time back at the centre since you last brought me there, years ago.  I always treasure the very special outings we had...I was the girl being courted at all the special dating places, the Planetarium, Science Centre, star gazing trips out with kids, bike rides in the rain, lecture dinner with Lim Kit Siang and hundreds of others, etc.

I had lunch with Mama today after a work meeting near your house.   Took her out to my second work meeting at Tropicana City Mall.  It was my first time out with her alone and having her walked around by herself while I sat with my clients.  She was waiting for me near Starbucks on a common sofa when I finished.  I took her shopping at Carrefour, bought Mama a wall clock, some potatoes and some candies.  She packed me some newly fried shallots and garlic oil, I better be making more porridge at home and eat up the new stock of Mama's special shallots.

Took a nap in your room after we came home from shopping.  Mama made me ABC soup and vege and eggs for dinner.  Tonight was my first day away from rehearsal since I started rehearsing for the Thriller dance.

Am going through this entirely new experience of dancing at the moment for the October show.  I haven't quite got a name for this experience yet.  I go through a cycle of highs, intoxication, anxiety, frustration, stress in and out of the dance rehearsals.  The good thing is, the frustration seems to be leaving the cycle, replaced by an increased amount of excitement and enthusiasm.  The rehearsals are a new drug.  I come home every night after 4 hours of dance/movement work, and about 90 minutes of chilling out at the Mamak store after rehearsal - that's about 5-6 hours outside - I sit glued to the computer screen, watching more dance videos for an hour or so, answer some work emails, widely alert and awake still.  When I eventually make myself go to bed, I lie there, eyes wide open, going through the dance steps in my head...while every movement I make, lying there in my bed...stir up muscle ache.

I started off as all stressed out with the choreography given to me, worry that I can't catch up, worry that I get removed from the routine if I suck a lot, etc.  I started getting attention from the choreographer in the third or fourth session of the dance rehearsals - both good and bad attention.  Good thing is when he picks on me I will get corrected and that would stress me out to get better.  Bad thing is I get so stressed out by the attention that I keep making the same mistake.

But something else took over me on Monday morning - after a Sunday rehearsal of 6 hours of dancing close to non-stop and getting picked on the whole afternoon - I was rather depressed.  I went home with major body aches and not sure what to do.  I think I managed to sleep.

Morning came and as usual, I lazed on the bed, answering emails from my phone and taking calls, etc.  I watched the rehearsal videos again and again, running the steps in my head for hundreds of times.  Finally at 11am I dragged my heavy body up and jumped straight into the Thriller routine.

My head was clearer, having visualized the routine so many times in my head must have helped.  I did the routine by myself, far far from perfect but I did it, in time too.  So I did it again twice before I had to jump in the shower and get ready for a client meeting.

And on Monday night rehearsal, I did so much better.  That night David (the choreographer) finished the choreography for Thriller.  I felt truly been lifted from hell to come back to earth, and in a very good place on earth.  He told us that he believed that we (11 of us, whom had he hand-picked from the ensemble) can deliver what he has set out for us, and will do it well if we work hard between now and show opening.

I knew then all I needed was concentration and practice on my own to keep up.  I wasted too much time by giving too much air time to my short coming as a good dancer.  I still watched too many videos after I come home from rehearsal...am highly intoxicated by the thought of what I could become if I put in a lot of time in the dance routine.

I guess what has excited me must have been the thought of becoming something that I never thought I was capable of - to dance, and to keep up in a company of better dancers....in a fast paced song.

Am very far removed from my initial feeling of my involvement in this production, am in a very good place now.  I still don't have any solo, my singing parts aren't measly but I don't really have any special moment yet but the high I get from the dance alone have surpluses all the doubts I had initially about staying in the production.  I cling on to this high from dancing lovingly...enjoying every moment of it while it lasts.

I know you would be happy to see me like this too - like you always did, watching me get high on something for the stage.

I wish I will never feel lonely with all the passion I find around here.  Well, I guess even I did become lonely in future, I won't let the fear for future spoil my fun now.

Love you lots,

B

Letter one hundred and four - Day three hundred-and-nine of your vacation

Dearest J,

I was picking out flesh from a fried fish this evening to eat, at your place.  Remembering how you used to do that for me, you would pick out all the fish bones first, and put the fish on my plate, rid of bones.

I want to live well because I was loved.

Your dad told me at dinner that they are taking a weekend holiday at the Sands, to watch Lion King, staying at the Sands Hotel.  Mama told me last week that her passport was renewed because your mom was taking her to Singapore.  I am so happy that your parents are making time to enjoy themselves, with Mama in tow. Alex and Yan also booked the Sands for the weekend.

Mama made lots of food for me for dinner, I had two helpings.

Over 300 days passed.  So many occasions came and passed, where I wish I still have you to go to when I have doubts, when I need you to guide me through certain cloudy moments.  I remember how sometimes you just look at me and smile, to say, "I also don't know any better."

Am in one of those moments now, really wishing you're still here to make me feel less doubtful.

But because I was loved, I shall march on.

Seeming reminds me recently to keep inspired by you, to do good in your memory.

Evelyn at No Black Tie finally sent me an email, two months later...to offer me a slot there this September. This is big for me.  Am happy.  Singing keeps me happy.

made Brandon take pics of me with piano 

Much love,

B