Letter ninety-eight - Day two hundred and thirty-four of your vacation

Dearest J,

Got a postcard from Gopi two days ago.  He went on a holiday in Berlin.  Another postcard for the fridge.

Thursday is sitting under my feet infront of the waste paper basket, preying on something behind the basket...I don't know what.

Am listening to a Thai jazz singer on the internet.  Natasha Patamapongs.  Went to listen to her last week at NBT with Vincent's advice.  Beauty flowed when she sang her first note.  I went to that gig to be inspired and I came out inspired.

I am going to see Cher Siang regularly (that's the plan at the moment) to learn sight singing, and reading.  It  feels monumental the night when I set the date for my first lesson.  I know from here on it's up to me on how I want my music education path to shape...there's never a point to stop growing up for me.

I do feel a lot more grown up nowadays, without you to lean on for many occasions.  I still use `you' to energize my mind sometimes.  It's not hard to want to do something good just thinking of the good you done for me.

Went back to jazz class today, Ann started a new dance routine.  The ankle had a slight swell after one and half hour of work but no pain or strain sensation.  Sweating it out in that studio always make me so happy to be alive with healthy limbs.

Here's a photo for you, I was the sexiest front of house staff in KLPac a week ago.  Nell had a great run of Cabaret.  This one was taken on Melissa's iphone.

And, am going to see Cecelia tomorrow morning to work on my Mozart...and my breathing.

Mama calls me a lot these days, she would just call and see what am up to, if I need food or anything.  I know she used to call you at work sometimes.  I want to make a mental note to see her more.  I also want to tell you how much I treasure, how she has taken into me so strongly...for someone who doesn't buy into fate and all, I truly believe that we are meant to be - you, me and Mama...meant to be darlings to each other.

Ok, I better grab more dinner and try to sleep earlier for my early morning class!

I love you, more than I even know...

B

Letter ninety-seven - Day two hundred and twenty-nine of your vacation

Dearest J,

Two weeks' break from my letter to you.  I had wanted to write you many times, but found I have nothing `good enough' to tell you - because as usual, in the past two weeks, I missed you too much.

No worries, am putting the misery of missing you into good use.  I have been enjoying my times, just doing things that please me.  Through the things I do for fun, I could see a lot of you in it.  I stopped in a busy mall after running errands, and ordered myself a peanut butter wafer, and sat down to slowly eat it, reading the novel I had with me (the difference between you and I would be you DO finish the novel in a short time).  Yesterday I stopped near your house to have late lunch alone, at the Kanna Curry House.  The banana leaf rice was a good treat, and there were so many cats around to share the food with.

I had a good rehearsal with Cher Siang on Monday.  He worked on my improvisation for the first time.  I got him to help me try singing At Last in different styles.  He asked if I like to sing with some of his piano students, I said Yes Of Course.  I can't imagine not benefiting from singing more with different musicians.

Since Cabaret ended on Sunday, I have been on a tour of what I'd called, a pleasure trip of culture.  Tuesday night I had French movies back to back from 7pm to midnight, with Seeming, TP and Peter.  Last night I went to the Belle du Berry & David Lewis concert, and then to No Black Tie to watch WVC Trio.  David Lewis' gang went over for jamming at NBT.  Tonight am going to the opening of a Bars & Bedrooms at Actors Studio.  I hope to catch two more French movies tomorrow night and one more play on Sunday.

There's something else eating me from inside, the need to perform.  The need to work for a public audience  grows stronger with every show I attended.  Even though I work hard for my private function audiences, I realise that, to keep sane as a performer, I need to work on a concert.  I need gigs.  The last thing I did before I fell asleep last night was making a song list for that gig that I will organise.

Am sure it would be something you understand very well.  These things we do to stay alive, not just merely breathing.  You have your two wheels spinning under you, I have my songs soaring in my head.  Now I have to release the songs from my head, and set them free.  I will make a gig for myself.

With your blessing, this is going to be a great time for living.

Much love,

B

Letter ninety-six- Day two hundred and thirteen of your vacation

Dearest J,

Missing you, mad.  Have been feeling some and haven't told you about it...so here goes.  It's dark, gloomy, nothing necessarily useful but it feels needed to be said, so I shall.

Real torture is holding back tears, a refrain from crying.  I was starting to enjoy it a lot but my eyes started to react to it and couple with stage make up (and the removing of it), these eyes need proper rest and care.

I didn't expect it to get worse, I thought that with time, I ought to feel better in time.  But now as the clock ticks and from 6 months going into 7 months and beyond, the missing gets worse.

On a day like today when I function incredibly well, almost more efficient than ever, organised as hell, rational behaviour and all that - when am in my corner facing my hot shower for the night, I feel quite close to a creature in a mental asylum, gone quite mad.

`Everything' is going so well, I am not incredibly busy and swamped with work, but busy enough...steady is the word.  I feel well, I thought I do.  This inner world somehow seems to a mad roller coaster of weathers.  Am starting to guess, maybe am being suppressed by my rational mind.  The minds tells me to behave, and reminds me there isn't any point and benefit in dwelling in this emotional state.

It's like, having the feeling that I haven't spent enough time, to hide away long enough, to just lash out with tears and all things grey.  As if I haven't spent long enough time with the floods, stormy weather, raging waves...hence the sunny weather is looking to be short-lived.  It's like someone who hasn't completely been cured off a bad case of food poisoning, now the diarrhea is looming near.

Feels as if I moved on too fast for my own good and now I face the repercussion of my speedy recovery, like someone who's gone on a crazy highly effective and fast diet and now face with the side effects of the diet.

Maybe I can go on a hideout trip again by myself, just to spend time missing you and do nothing else.

Until then, the sun rises everyday...some mornings here have been gloomy and very cool.  I have been lonely.  Just today I thought to myself, and asked myself to relax, and just enjoy it...enjoy and embrace single-hood.  Wasn't I the girl who truly loved life a lot being single? - I reminded myself.  Be that girl again.

Seems like a tall order, there were many unfulfilling dating experiences I went through.  I was truly home when I had the wealth of you next to me.  Imagine one who has gotten used to the luxury of a bed, a roof over a head, now one has to be out in the elements and embrace it.

All right, bed IS a pretty attractive option right now.  Distractions and my rational behaviour aside, these are my darker moods when no one is looking, when am alone in our space, when I live in my inner world.

I think I will be fine.  Maybe I have been taking something for granted, I tell people am good, well and fine all the damn time...sometimes I just don't know if am fine but that's the line to say, "Am fine.  Thank you."

Good night darling.

Love,

B