early morning..

diary of recovering

sunday...my first day back at work, meeting a bride-to-be at 10am for a chat about her wedding dinner entertainment.

I tell you what's a nice feeling...

it's staring at your own clean face in a clean mirror in the morning (my wall mirror has always been dusty till lately, hired help came...).

anyway, while am recovering at home, I noticed and discovered many many nice things, nice feelings, some new, some forgotten and found. But of course all these didn't come the first 5 days. The first five days I think...I was shitting in my pants, figuratively.

Anyway, I guess J and I don't need to pursue that beach-sleep-and-eat-holiday so soon and so importantly coz we agreed this morning that, while it's nice to be able to get away (then come home and boast about it) -- it's been far more perfect that the last few days he comes over when he can, to fuss over me and just, to be together...far better, less fuss, less carbon print than travelling over the globe to romance.

Ah, also I spent the last two days working on some work stuff, for my singing career :)

I finally learned to use PICASA...compiled some photos for work, have a look..

Ensemble

What if..

Laryngitis diary

First entry, day: 6

"What if I can't sing anymore, will you still love me?"

J came over last night after work to distract me. For five days I stayed home, cooking, going back and forth from doctors to home, cleaning, waiting for Internet to work, answering endless smses from clients, eat, taking pills, washing, cleaning...emailing, a mini-crisis-management centre. A mini one enough to get me go quite insane.

To find replacement singers for three performances, back to back from tomorrow to Saturday.

Nice break, I took J's advise to distract myself. I pop in a DVD (Sex And The City, couldn't be bothered with something arty) and watched from dusk to night. Then we had supper of egg buggers when he came over, and finished watching The Pursuit Of Happiness together.

Today, third visit to my GP for loss of voice. She said I am to start on papase, and she up the dosage of my prescribed steroid...and then I SHOULD be fine by Friday.

...but this is what it's like for me, these last few days, last few short (painfully long for me) days, it's like am sitting in a cell, barred from my normal life, waiting for my jail sentence to be written (if the outcome is a bad one), or waiting for the jury to give a favourable verdict (if the outcome is a good one).

Whether or not I'd be fine by tomorrow, or Friday, or Saturday...next week, who knows that, all I can do is sit here and wait (ok, besides sitting I also eat, take pills, gargle salt water, sms, emails...) , wait and see. I have no control as far as my voice box is concerned.

And then I diligently look back at any records of my last case of laryngitis, back in February, during CNY. I counted down the days of my recovery before I had my first performance, on Feb 20th. Got infected on Feb 5, cancelled a show for Feb 8 (or was it 7?), I managed to perform with a voice almost back to normal on the 20th. I remember that performance well...I was placed in a chilly-cold dressing room to prepare myself. I had with me a big jar of Manuka honey and I was sipping water and honey.

So that Feb episode took 14 days. I had between last Friday to tomorrow, 6 days from infection to first performance. Will I make it? Are you kidding? I don't know! Thank goodness for my replacement singers....Zal, Angela and...Michelle?

I see no gradual improvement of my voice in the past 5 days. Have been drifting from feeling frustrated to given-in-relaxed, back and forth, back and forth. J said this stress is probably releasing hormones that are hinders to my recovery. He also understand that it's not easy to not think about it.

Loss of voice and a singer.

What if.

If you were an artiste, have you ever thought about what kind of a person you would be if you have to

stop painting forever

never dance again

never sing again

stop acting forever

never to run again

stop playing piano for good

never bake another cake

never to see ever again

....

..at the bottom of the basket today....

I found my white pencil tube dress that was missing for months.

...and I didn't realise it was missing till I went looking for it to wear for a gig, and missed it dearly. I went out to Sg Wang with a heavy heart hoping to find the equivalent and found the SAME one in the SAME shop, so I bought ONE with a happppy heart.

Four months later, today, 5 minute ago, I found my missing dress at the BOTTOM of my laundry basket, untouched since the last time I wore I think...in March 2007.

Now I have two identical, very sexy, very cool, very tight dresses.

here, pictures of the dress...you must be wondering what super cool dress that will drive me to go out and buy the same one...the last time I wore the first one, for Magic Flute publicity shoot, March 2007.

and the new one I bought in June this year for the WILD (for Independent Pet Rescuers) fund-raising gig at Attic. pic by Andrew

and after these two huge bags come back from the launder shop next week, I will have a Big pile of `new clothes' to wear since I haven't seen most of these clothes since last year. I have forgotten I have that cool baggy read teeshirt with sequins, that chic secondhand-see-thro-boho skirt from Perth, that second hand chiffon pink blouse from Bangkok...

now smelly of dusk and very wrinkled...they are going to clean, don't worry
crazy comic pants from good old Good Sammy boutique @ Perth

Migod, I warn you, don't be my house mate, don't.

Alive, and not starving

I just got up about 10 minutes ago, from dreaming about dying.

What a feeling to be waking up from dreaming about going to die, and you wake up to realise that it was a Dream and that you are not dying Yet and that you need to go to the toilet badly.

I looked around my messy bedroom, shrewn with books I have yet to read, clothes I have yet to wear...emails I haven't answered, songs I haven't sung and haven't learned, friends I haven't called....

ok, so I went to the bathroom and came back and had a chat with a friend, online.

Janet: so so, how how, whats up today!! hey babe, since you are here...i just got up a min ago, i was dreaming about dying....its such a feeling when you wake up to knowing, n realising that you dreamed and that you are not dying yet.

Ida: whoa.. i dreamt i was in a war hahaha

Ida: wow, what was the dream like?

Janet: what a feeling

Ida: haha! like I"M NOT DEAD! YESSS!!!!

Janet: i cant remember what and why...but i was supposed to be executed, etc. something but i duno why but somehow i missed a bullet n then my frens were around me...and i was home

(in the dream) thinking if i do die what my family will find in my room....what kind of....

diaries they find....etc.

Ida: HHAHAso cute..hahahaaa!

Janet: all i know is, very moment being alive as myself is a moment...to be...we have so many things....to be grateful for. no famine in malaysia, we have `jobs', cash, food

Ida: too true

Janet: its like, man! no reason at all, not in the least to beslacking in whatever...

Ida: ...hahhaa, too much to be thankful

Janet: !!!!

Ida: =) maybe that's what the dream was for... to make you think about your very lucky existence...

Janet: yaaa, it was mind blowing

Ida: anyway, and i was just going to say - another thing to ba thankful for is.. GOOD FOOD HAHAHA. yes mind blowing when you realize what a lucky person you are.. just to be alive

Janet: yaaa, i mean not just that, but to be alive n not hungry! shit, i gotta blog this!

Ida: =)

Janet: :D