relearning a life lived

as i sat in front of my workstation at 7pm on this Friday, delaying the plan of going back, to that house, i realised this might be the beginning of my revisiting of the days of solitary life.

i was living alone (renting a room in an apartment) for over three years, up to the point where a boy i respected a lot came down with a bad case of slip disc and called out for my love. i moved in there with LOVE boy and i found a family in his house. it was the happiest times of my life. i grew and i glowed.

i have forgotten how i made peace with myself, my grand philosophies of `happiness-in-singlehood' life have left me when i got the first taste of real couplehood and the community of family. now slowly i remember my endless weekend afternoons and evenings spent in the small cosy apartment room, reading, dozing off, waking up, checking if anyone rang me on my mobile for a cuppa.

they say this is the worst kind of suffering, loneliness. the sound of it send shivers down my spine. i remember the pain.

you see, you can only spend so many hours alone reading books in your room. ok, maybe this time i'll even get a TV and maybe even DVD player but i can't watch TV for more than 2 hours, i get headache. maybe i can finally volunteer at SPCA.

i used to cheer single friends on and encourage them to be happy with their status. i wish i could use that advise now.

and since moving into that relationship, my social life has shrank to a number of friends i can count with two hands. i didn't see the need to be seen at parties anymore, i didn't feel like i need to get out there and do things. i was happy in my own little world of love. did i forget to grow? i was still doing what i like, singing, going to theatres, travelling...i just limited my friends circle.

i will learn how to do it again, the solitary life; hopefully this time with more grace and confidence. i will dazzle again at parties, attend readings, watch movies on my own, read a book in the weekend, take time in my chores, take slow walks in my favourite part of town, attend rehearsals, cook, sing, dream and laugh.