Been reading all day on social 
media of others counting their 
blessings and achievements of 
the past year and decade.  
I have done that before, previous 
years.  The more I read, the less 
I want to make my own list.  
First reason: I've had one hell of 
a busy year - to the point that 
I consciously stopped using the 
word ‘busy’ on myself - but I’m 
not sure if I know what I was 
being busy for, so I’m not sure if I can make my list 
of achievements feel ‘valid’ without sounding like I’m 
just doing it for the sake of it.

(On being busy - I know I enjoy working a lot, like 
the kind of work that’s exhilarating and...long hours.  
But maybe I’ve liked it too much for my own good)

Two, suddenly, I don’t see the point of it now.  
Not saying that the rest who made that list are 
lame or boastful - no no no - I enjoy reading them 
in fact (it’s like reading a summary of what my 
FB friends been up to all year or all of past ten 
years, it’s a pretty cool way of updating myself).  
I just don’t see the point of ME doing it at this point.

When I look back at what I’ve been up to the past 
one year...and the past 10 years - I have mixed 
feelings. Sure, some of the shit I’ve done between 
2010 to date, I think, is pretty fucking amazing 
stuff. Impressive stuff. I am not shy to say that 
I know I have done amazing stuff between the 
age of 33 and 42. That’s the first feeling I get.

The other feeling that’s mixed into that is - so what? 
Whilst surviving losing a partner, and then making 
albums and concerts, and spent my hard earned 
on super exotic adventure trips, and finally 
owning a property and still have my current job - 
sound like a big deal. I still feel like, these don’t 
deserve the air time at this...rather, special point 
of history. A few hours before we enter year 2020.  
I feel that those milestones don’t need to be 
credited and reminded again now, because that’s 
what we humans do. We cope with life and deaths, 
we create things, we won’t sit still, we seek out 
the things and people that stimulate us - while 
doing that we achieve things, beautiful things 
like making albums, taking trips with friends 
to top of the mountains, and decorating one’s 
home, etc. All these are, things we human 
are designed to do.

Last week I was at a jungly retreat with my TSS gals, 
with no internet and all that, we were chatting 
about life and stuff. May Mow asked me a 
question that stopped me in my track, even up 
to this minute - I think that question sort of 
shaped how I feel about this whole 
end-of-the-decade, end-of-2019 thing. She asked 
me who is the most important person in this world 
to me.

I was dumbfounded, immediately I admitted that 
it was a really good question to ask ourselves 
from time to time. After a few moments, I 
told her I think the person is me...just me.

While I was embarrassed about my answer 
(not my parents? Not my closest friends?  
Not my siblings?), it opened up a can of...
I don’t know. I think it forces me to think 
about things that I am otherwise too busy 
working to be thinking about.

So back to this Wawasan 2020 and end of the 
year thing.

I started the decade moving into my own place 
in KL. A place with my name on it, and one 
other name. I am ending the decade with me 
still living happily in the same home, this 
time this place has just one name on the 
paper - my name alone. The same year I 
moved in, Sitting Duck had the bike accident, 
and the rest of the decade, is history. Duh.

So, maybe I can say that it has been a 
decade of living with myself and learning 
what a shithead and silly person I can be, 
while carrying on as usual with my 
lack-of-big-picture career ambition.

It has been a decade of serious career-building, 
though it was built without a clear blueprint, 
it was guided mostly by instincts and doing 
what feels good. I feel grateful that I am still here.

After I finally believe that I’m born to do 
this work - performing; I looked around and 
realise, hey, my mom...my parents back home, 
have been such figures at the back of my head 
- I didn’t even realise how different they’ve 
grown, while I was busy building a life of my own, 
without Justin around.

The feeling will stay with me for a long time, 
the first I realised my mom is a different person 
now, she is now a child who needs help - about 
less than two years ago. I’m sure it’s feeling 
many of us can resonate with, you’re a bit 
angry, sad, remorseful, frustrated, helpless...
and goodness know what else. I watched 
my mom struggled with the buttons on her 
blouse, nonstop fumbling with her handbag, 
being clumsy with utensils, struggled to 
finish a sentence...she is much younger 
than my dad but she has aged much faster 
than he did.

Now, I have come to accept that whatever 
my parents and myself are going through - 
is all part of the package of life. I am still 
largely a self-absorbed single 42-year-old 
in the city. I am allowing myself the 
headspace and time, to ease into the next 
phase of life. I’m grateful that my sister 
Yvonne Lee is sensible and responsible, 
and that we are not alone in caring for 
them old folks. Mom recently starts to ask me about having 
a steady boyfriend. She worries much more 
than before, and is increasingly more lonely.  
My wish is to be able to offer any form of 
relief and joy that my mom and dad are 
now capable of enjoying. Dad is still pretty 
much quite mobile and almost carefree, 
addicted to his iPad and daily routine in Taiping.

Have I digressed from the main point?  
If I did, isn’t that what life does to us?  
We keep getting distracted with what life 
throws at us.

Older, and really not sure if any wiser.  
I have definitely made and kept some good 
friends along the years. I have cleared out 
most of Justin’s stuff in the house but kept some.  
Life has been good to me despite my initial 
panic of where the ground would be after my 
pillar of many things were gone. He left with a 
legacy of life’s lessons - kind to people, 
living things and just things, and pursue without 
fear of what one loves (ask me one day and I’ll 
share with you what he taught me about getting
up after you fall), definitely not how he 
predicted how others would remember him, 
he was just a kid with big heart.

OK, this has past my bed time now. Grounded at 
home this week to nurse a tired and sick 
voice and body.

It’s really just another year, and another decade.  
We are still here, alive. Let’s try to be a 
better human being. Happy new year and peace. Good night. Hello 2020.