The power of the Start button

There is power in this.  You make a change in your pattern, the pattern that has built up and created a force and power in sucking you in time and time again.  It's basically habit.  Habit is powerful, like quicksand...you sink in and you get swallowed up.

But if one can gather her might and mind, and make a change - press the START button in changing the routine, take a different turn and path...one can start making a new habit.  One can create the START of making a new habit.

I cannot remember exactly when and how, but I was sleeping later and later into the night after MCO started.  I mulled and sulked into bed, reluctantly.  Because the hours were so ungodly, I thought I'd make it up by sleeping in and laze in bed till my body was contented.

But it created a negative ripple effect that I soon got stuck in.  My days started get compounded by my mornings starting later and later.  By the time I actually left my bed to do anything there wasn't much of morning left. And I'd go through the day feeling rushed from hour to hour to do the necessary.  In my case now it is cooking lunch and dinner for my parents who live a few floors below me.

Before and during the time I got sucked into sleeping super later and getting up late, I had (thank goodness) created a routine of doing workout in my bedroom, before lunch time.  And so with my bed times got all hay-wired, my exercise time got cut short or it got crushed into the time to prep for lunch.  I would be rushing to start and to finish the fitness routine at 11am or 1130am, jump into the shower and rush to kitchen to cook and get food on the table for my folks by 1230 or 1240pm.  I was a slave in this 'Rush Hour', all thanks to my stubbornness of not going to bed before 4am.

The week that it got to the worst was when I did many Live sessions on my social media.  I stayed up after I finished singing live and organised the video download, screen capture photos and filing and editing.  I'd skipped dinner before the live session and then finally eating at 1am.  Took my time to get changed, shower...you get the drift.

OK so it wasn't great on my body and my mind because I knew I should be sleeping earlier.   (Though the live sessions did amazing for my social media and music, I practiced many new and old songs, and made a lot of new friends)

I told myself I had to break the pattern and force myself to go to bed earlier and tame my beast of a restless mind.

Three days ago I did it.  April 15 Wednesday. I set alarm for 650am the night before because I wanted to see sunrise from my bedroom window, the same direction of my mom's bedroom where she would see it too if she opened her eyes before 7am and look out.

The night before I was in bed early, I couldn't remember the hour (around 11pm or something like that) but I know I let myself fall asleep without getting up to turn off the lights in my living room.

Got up at 655am and opened the curtain to look at sunrise, took some photos for my journal and to show to parents.  I stayed in bed for 40-minutes or so, reading on Facebook - whatever feed and articles that demanded my attention.  Got out of the room to make the morning warm lemon water.  Made my bed and got ready for the morning workout.  I had time for everything.  I even made myself breakfast, though it was a super late breakfast at 1130am after I showered and prep the lunch cooking but it was a breakthrough because I haven't made myself breakfast for weeks.

Lunch making that day was a good therapy like most days but it felt extra special, because I saw sunrise that morning; I started my day earlier than all other mornings, in the past one month!  The rest of the day went by with me feeling much more in control and with sense of satisfaction and achievement.   Did a home photoshoot of ballet poses and costumes, a phone interview with a magazine (it came as a surprise to me!), edited photos and videos, updated company accounts and papers.  Was just a really amazing day, doing the most amazingly mundane wonderful things.

High on the change I made, I told myself I have to make sure this new routine get set in.  I had an amazing Thursday morning too.  Saw the sunrise, read in bed, made bed and got done with workout before 930am.  Super psyched up, I continued with an online ballet class with Suhaili for another 30 minutes.  Decided that the floors needs proper cleaning there and then, I went full force into vacuuming and mopping for the next hour and ate fruits in between mopping.  I managed to nap in the afternoon, after I made time to hang out at my sofa.  Watched Netflix.  Got inspired by the show I watched and it moved me to make a few singing clips that I was very happy with, all before I made dinner for parents.  After that I edited more videos, watched my friend sang on Instagram Live, and I watched Netflix (last episode of Unorthodox) again before I went to bed.

You see, I worked myself into this.  The good feeling will snowball, and I stayed motivated to do the next good thing for myself.  Doing the right thing, the healthy, mix it up with the feel good thing.


This is day three of my "new life", I made my mug of lemon water and decided I have to write all these down before the thoughts and feeling leave me.

It's 9:06am, and I am ready for my workout, and my day.  Bring it on honey!

Some kind of magic on an ordinary day

Determined to not go to bed in ungodly hours.  Today I reaped the rewards of the determination.  Woke up at 7am, looked at the sunrise from my window briefly and lied back down on the sheets.  Read articles on FB and stuff.  Feeling pleased that it's day two of me sleeping early, first time doing that since the start of the movement control order. 

Got out of bed before 8am, wiped down the whole kitchen top...all that grease from the night before.  Soaked all the kitchen rags in boiling water and soap.  Made my lemon water.  Went back to the room, made the bed.  Prep for my morning workout.  Selected a tough 45-min pilates tone and cardio from Pop Sugar Fitness videos.  

Every morning I am exercising through the new muscle sores and aches that I'm so happily building on.  The Groundhog Day-like days are finally grounding me in a way where I find more joy in  healthier routine. 

Eating more fruits than ever.

Daily exercise.

Time spent with parents.

Being patient with parents.

Did 20 minutes of ballet with Suhaili on instgram and decided the floors needed to be clean then.  

The meticulous vacuuming was very therapeutic.  Mopping the floors with great vigour with clorox was the best thing.

Washing my shower panels, scrubbing the wash basin...

All that, done before 1130am.  I was bewildered, wild with joy of my achievement.

Because I have been starting my days proper, after 10am everyday - for the past four weeks.  

Made BKT for lunch. 

Listened to mom talked about her incredible crying in the morning.  She seemed shocked by it herself.  She wasn't sure what triggered her crying; but she went to great length to describe what she saw in the mirror a few hours before lunch.  A man with blue pants and hair wrapped in white cloth in the mirror.  My theory for her vision is the laundry that she and dad hung in their living room, reflected in the wall mirror opposite where she sat.  

She is worried about being abandoned.  "Would you ever do that?  Leave me out on the streets?" 

I make a lot of jokes to her serious questions like that.  But maybe I should't joke anymore.  Maybe my silly light-hearted replies will lead her deeper into her weariness.

Managed to nap without a care on the sofa back in my place after lunch, and after the afternoon online forum/workshop with Winnie & Pearlly laoshi.

Watched two episodes of Unorthodox, continued to be really moved and cried in all the scenes with music.  By the time I finished the second episode, I had to head into the study and record a clip of Cavatina.  Two takes later and I have the recording I wanted.

In time, at 715pm to make a quick fried eggs with french beans for parents' dinner.  Went back to my study and started editing a video for this Cavatina.  

Made the video about Justin.  Used old photos of us, mostly photos of just him, and videos of Cher Siang playing the piano, and me singing the song. 

Very happy with the video.  Had to stop halfway to cry a little.  Looking at his face with such focus have this effect on me.  

Such a familiar image, him.  And yet so long ago, I cannot believe it is coming to ten years now, in a few months' time.

Ten.  Years. 

Life...