survivor's diary - week 2 day 1

yes, this month's postings will be pretty much be recording the dreary process of me adapting to a big change in my life. there were few major turning points in my 27 years of life so far...

tear scares and intimidates men, they don't comprehend how women can cry so much and they don't know it works. i did some research on adult crying (the bio psychosocial aspect of it), the many readings i got on the net were too technical, except for this one:

"Tears are interesting in themselves. The composition of tears is proteins (lysozyme, lipocalin and lactoferrin), enzymes, lipids, metabolites and electrolytes. The protein concentration differs between emotional tears and the tears produced by irritants. The complex composition of tears, though, differs throughout the daily cycle of human existence.

Physiologically tears are under the control of the parasympathetic nervous system, and serve to protect the eye from microbial infections. Crying as a behavioural event, is under a combination of parasympathetic and sympathetic systems. Crying prenatally occurs, thus crying itself is not necessarily a learned behaviour; it is, however, modified by socialization, context, relationships, pathology, etc."

bla bla bla

last night's conversation with justin was a reminder to buying my own place was my dream before, and now i'm actually getting there. wow, i can't remember that, "Remember the mamak? You told it's your dream to have a place of your own and I told you mine too...and we were calculating how much you need to save every month for your apartment?"

then i remember it all. yes, i remember the mamak, the half-boiled eggs and maggie goreng and telur mata kerbau...at Michael's. Michael's mamak store is right next to the smelly drains, right outside the apartment i was renting in pandan indah, that was 2001...he and i started hanging a lot, after the DAP-dialogue dinner at selangor club, after he came to watch me at the Music Expo 2001 singing finals (yes, justin, we women remember a LOT more).

that dream indirectly drew us together and now it is the break-up that got me closer to the dream, life is never dull. (Alanis Morisette's IRONY playing in the back ground)

maybe it's easier if i hate him, some said. i wish i hate him. at times i feel naive, and thought that maybe i don't hate him now is because i'm subconsciously hoping for a second chance. my head tells me that will not happen, is my heart trying to go the opposite way? but Monsieur justin, don't you fret, i will allow life to move on for both of us. we both deserve it la.

anyway, the place, it will not be easy, the money bit. i have only gone to see three places so far:

1. Mutiara Damansara, 750sf, range: RM115k-RM125k (new leasehold)
2. Bandar Puchong, 850sf, RM140k (new freehold, with a pool!!!!)
3. Jalan Ipoh, 900sf, RM155k (10-year-old-free-hold, furnished partially)

when i get a place, it will be beautiful and meaningful. it will mean so much to me: a reward for my growing pains, a consolation for the failed relationship, a symbol of independence (expensive), a potential for better life ahead...

"A little fall of rain, can hardly hurt me now. The rain will make the flowers grow."
- lyrics from Les Mis'