To be happy or not be happy?

Sounds like a stupid question? Well, ask yourself deeply when was the last time you truly, really let yourself just be, happy?

Lately I have the fortune to ponder, and did some hard (not nice at all) thinking about what the heck I want, in specific goal-blue-print-all-serious-business-plan.

I guess in the midst of planting media interviews for my fellow songstresses, and stage heroes and respected thespians, I question my place in this world that worship fame, money and power...not in that order but they kind of mean the same thing?

Money = power = fame

Like a lost hippie stuck in the fast-paced money-highway, I duck in fear, afraid that I get run down by the speeding cars. I asked myself the reason why I don't desire fancy cars and a fancy career in an international opera house. Am I lazy or just plain unambitious?

Is being simple-minded and having low expectations in life frowned on? I can't deny that it seems to look a little weird in this society, to want just enough money, not a lot; to want just, a little, to be happy and satisfied with little. Since when we give any attention to the simple folks in their simple houses who are just living out their simple lives?

Apparently I have been questioning myself with issues I used to preach to others. I said to others life's mission is to be happy. Apart from higher enlightenment, happiness comes from being contended and satisfied with oneself and one's life. I used to perk up easily by simple, little things, silly things like a hot bowl of instant noddles and my laundry all done and hanging out in the sun. I still get excited by a pack of chips nowadays but I look around and see my friends who have plans to buy that nice house and talk about dream cars and I feel incredibly, doubtful.

I don't have to be doubtful of who I am and what I like, if I'm happy. It's not a bad thing that I'm a happy person now, in this moment. I always wonder if I would still be this happy and contended in future, I guess I can't really solve that problem...can I? I can't live in future.

I saw this quote somewhere, years ago, I wrote it on the wall board of my first rented pad:

"Being happy is not a result, it's a choice."

happy face, a candid shot from years before...

Who's your photographer?

Mine is TV Smith

Greatest Love Of All

I have been receiving mostly positive comments on my FHM debut, though one friend said that I looked like a woman in a child's body...I have to agree with her, after I got over the comment, and then I was happy that I got over it.

...you know the moment you accept the way you look and make peace with yourself, it's true bliss.

I'm guilty, like most women in KL who are constantly scrutinizing their bodies and looks...on an eternal quest to look better. Most recently I got hooked on eye-liner (learned to use properly after staging of Pygmalion) and am trying to get off the addiction. I remind myself the painful journey after my college years when I broke free from make-up -- I was the kid who couldn't leave the house without make-up, it is hard even for me to understand what got me into that phase of obsession over foundation, matte dark lipstick, eye brow pencils and mascara...

When I came out of it, I literally lived a different life. Freedom I'd say.

It's that hard to love ourselves, inside out, just the way we are?

Maybe it's just hard when we have this loud, blinding wall of public messages that tell you how you should look? SK II, Leonard Drake, Shiseido...Fair & Lovely, etc. We are in an age where we are obsessed with natural food (because we believe they give us good looks) but we hate our `natural look' so we would use many beauty products to achieve that `manufactured NATURAL look', could be the make up that make you look like you have none on, could be a plastic surgery that make you look naturally-youthful or could be the eye-brow tattoo or embroidery that make you look like you have `original & natural eye-brow'.

I used to look at the photos that sweet J took of me, mostly candid shoots and whined that I don't like them. "But this is you! This shoot captured just who you are...is YOU."

Later I learn to appreciate photos that capture characters, not just the nice highlights in the hair. He went on to take many more photos of me without makeup and I love those especially....

Now that I have gone full time singing, I'm learning a new ball game about looks and image too. Though I'm totally at ease with who I am in the public and social scenes, I have been warned (with good intentions) to put up something more formal (both dress and mannerism) for those first impressions that you don't know when you will be making and who is looking.

This new game is about balancing who I am really and who I should be really, for my clients, who pays my rent.

I shall reserve the mascara for my clients, and give my friends the real thing, warts and all....

What's up doc...

The work is back.

There must be a Media relations for dummies book somewhere....I need it.

I still don't like beer, I had one bottle in December. I prefer white wine to red, but from now on, I will avoid all the drinks I don't like and stop obliging.

Ya, make a bloody list of resolutions that everyone's been shouting about -- people are mostly naive, why bother to do something when it won't mean a thing by February?

I will be strong in 2006, I will not bow down to stress, laziness, rejections, and deadlines -- face all fears.

Wow, that's like I want to conquer the world like that...wahlau.

But why not...?

I will face my nagging parents will kindness and love, I will tell them to fuck off, nicely. I can't force someone to marry me, remember mom/dad, wedding is for TWO persons, not just the girl.

I will be kind to strangers in car park, especially the ones at KLAPC even if they drive a stupid European car. (notes: fought with two screaming `male bitches' there on new year's eve over a staff personnel's' mistake. I kicked myself for not staying longer to chew the male-bitches' heads off -- I was the more abusive one because I can -- it wasn't my fault that they waited in the rain for half an hour before I moved my car after insulted them)

I will be hungry and I will look for money.

That's on what I plan to be...

My year end right into the new year's day have been a burst of knowledge -- I've been doing lots of reading from Christmas right through the 1st...couple that with tons of TV, going-out and partying, I say it was a grrreeat end and beginning.

I have no picture of this but I won best dressed audience yesterday at last show of Actorlympics...hand down, there was no contest because I obviously went to the theatre DRESSED UP while the rest went to the theatre, dressed.

Back to the reading, read most stuff from Wikipedia and some links sent by friends.

Food department, I had lots of chocolate, pasta (LOTS), garlic, cookies, salads, potatoes.

2005 was a good year, but 2006 will be better.