Letter ninety-two- Day one-hundred-and-eighty-three of your vacation

Dearest J,

Am looking for a word to describe this feeling but I don't have a word yet.  This commitment I have towards Thursday.  A feeling of commitment?

You know that since we moved into this new home that I have always pride myself to keep it clean and nice.  And how I always made a fuss over our hair falling all over the place, and picking up after you.  Well, with the cat around it has been impossible to have the place clean (the way I like it) for more than a day.  I have had numerous conversations with myself about this...am I a person who is `big' enough to look past my little obsession in cleanliness, in order to accommodate to someone that I have committed to?

pic by Chelsia

I imagine if Thursday were a boyfriend, or any person - it'd be easier to rid of my property, for having intruded into my sanctuary of a clean space.  Thursday is a cat, like you used to tell people, animals can't go out and buy themselves meals or that chicken thigh - so I talk myself into this plan, and I hope this plan works out.

The plan is I shall overlook my needs for `an-always-clean-home' in order to provide a home for Thursday, until...the day comes when one of us outlive the other.

Some days I try to imagine what my last 5 moths (Thursday came on board on Nov 17th) would have been  have I not taken her in here.  Am very sure she would have been adopted from Peter's, for she is an astonishing beauty, though an eccentric one.  Her beauty have earned her a lot of attention, and many visits of guests to this home have to be credited to her...her bushy tail and that unique `Thursday-gaze'.

I haven't quite figured out how I will overlook my own needs (for a very clean house).  But I tell myself maybe it would be like a meditation.  Each time I walk into the flat that smell of her, and her `things', each time I clean up after her, etc - would be a meditation of the mind, and body.

Yea, so that's it.  Just want to share how I feel over this thing with Thursday.  What have I got towards her, am sure of what kind of love this is, I feel a sense of responsibility for her.  I reckon it has elements of love and attachment in it too, for I could have easily given Thursday up for adoption - many people would love a beauty like her, strange as she is, she is bloody cute too, with a fierce amount of character.

pic by Chelsia

Chels singing to curious cat

Many people are drawn to Thursday, Zakri

On a separate note, it's been half a year since we last saw you.  6 months, half a year.  Frighteningly fast how times leaves.  It's still difficult to go to your room and look at your things on the shelf without feeling a pinch.  I often nap on your bed there when I go over  to yours.

I taught Tristan how to high-five last night.  He seems like a pretty chirpy fella, I hope he turns out like you, always all smiles and positive.  Your mom made heavenly good dinner last night, the ABC soup was perfection, simple stir fry chow-sum was very flavourful, steamed eggs in perfect texture.

Oh ya, so I got myself tickets to Bali, 5-day 4 nights.  Booked a room in Ubud.  This a little milestone, my first conscious effort in a holiday.  Five days away just with myself.  Am going to go with my second Ayn Rand's book and knock myself out.  The sense of not knowing what am doing on the trip is bliss.

Streamyx here has been consistently down.  Signed up for Unifi and it's being installed this week.

 A video for you, from my gig last week.  Chels, Brandon helped me with cameras.  Daphne (emcee)'s manager, Joe too helped me video all my songs and dance.



Thinking of you.

Much love,

B

Letter eighty-seven- Day one-hundred-and-fifty-three of your vacation

Dearest J,

I think I had a hallucination the other day, bright morning.  I was still in bed though, by now am pretty convinced that I dreamed it.  I watched Black Swan the night before, pretty freaky movie it was.

Anyway, I `dreamed' you came to me.  The weight of your body and the warmth of your body were very vivid.  One of those rare, vivid dreams I suppose.

Am printing some demo CDs for clients, this time in a proper...manner?  There's a CD cover and there's track listing inlay and every CD will have my name printed on it.  Callista helped me put the designs together.  This is the photo we put on the cover.  You took this shot, in 2008, June 14th at One World Hotel PJ.  I just got off stage from singing, a candid shot.

Am glad the feeling is I don't mourn the loss of my chance of having photographed by you from now on.  I treasure that you had painstakingly followed me to so many outings and waited on those precious moments, to capture a spirit in time, now frozen in time, in a jpeg file.

Thursday had her 4th shower yesterday.  She's grown so much bigger since the last shower.  She's sitting on my lap now as I write.  I always wonder what's in her head.

I told Sushee that this is a time where I realise am making a conscious decision and a personal sacrifice, for Thursday.  This flat used to be able to stay quite clean for at least one whole week after cleaning, if I keep the windows shut.  These days the cat contributes hugely in transferring her cat litter to just about every corner of the flat, with the exception of corners she has no access to.  Her fur littered any surface she goes to.

This reminds me of your hair too...around the house.

Love is sacrifice?  We used to turn each other's annoying little habits into endearing traits.  I am learning to live with cat fur, scratched furniture (and limps), cleaning up after her everyday...because am not ready to give her up.  I love watching her stretch out on the rug and relax, play in front of the mirror, eat, focus on an imaginary fly...

I have Laksmi come over once a week now, she lives down the road.  She also goes to Tommy's flat every week to help out.  She has a daughter in India studying nursing.  I buy her snacks before she goes off every time.  Her hour rate is too low, but that's the norm for many independent housekeeper in town. I have the choice of paying her more.  She does a great job and she is very kind.

Am going to make something to eat now.

Am reading Tender Is The Night Now (F. Scott Fitzgerald), I gave up on Steppen Wolf two days ago...I couldn't dive into the darkness with that creature in the book.

Love you lots.

B

Letter eighty-four - Day one-hundred-and-thirty-two of your vacation

Dearest J,

Am listening to this song titled Chloeitchka, from Fung Chern Hwei's album From The Heart.  Piano & strings, no vocals.  I like it very much, I told a few friends that this song would be my choice for my funeral music.

Thursday has been here since Nov 17th, it's date I remember better than other `important dates' like people's birth dates.  By next week Thursday, February 17th, it would turn three months, Thursday and I.  And for your departure, four months plus sixteen days.

Love,

B

Letter eighty - Day one-hundred-and-ninteen of your vacation

Dearest J,

Tomorrow I drive home to my parents.  Thursday will be home alone for two days.  I got her new food, it's a different and double the price, that shop didn't have her usual brand.  She loves the new food, walloped it heartily.

She is sitting next to me on the same chair now, cleaning her face...and behaving.  This morning I think she buried her favourite toy (of the moment) in the litter...by accident, maybe?  I threw it out.  The toy was a purple hair scrunchy that I gave her.

Had dinner at your house.  Mama wanted to give me a Sarong, told me to pick any I want from a fat pile of sarongs, all presumably vintage.  I picked one out because of its softness in the material, being well-worn.  It was the only one in the pile that is a ready-to-wear sarong skirt.  Mama made the skirt with hooks, it's exactly my size, she was my size, she said.

February is not `empty' after all.  I have a dinner gig on the 5th day of Chinese new year.  Then on the 16th another one.  There are three more dates in February that am waiting for client's confirmation.

Your wisdom for my singing is slowly showing even more nowadays.  You told me to always include operatic numbers in my wedding gigs.  Yesterday at a client's lunch meeting, the family hiring me to sing at a birthday dinner do had asked me to consider singing an operatic number at the performance.  Last week at another dinner gig the event planner (Bebe my friend) had asked me the same thing.

You are truly very well-loved.  It's in the air...I was at Tristan's birthday do at your house and people spoke of you with so much fondness and love.  Aileen's mom told me she dreamed of you just the other night, you were eating her new year biscuits, the love-letters.  She said you ate non-stop with a big smile on your face, telling her it was yummy.

I half dread the new year but am happy to just step up to whatever's ahead.  Anyway I think I look forward to seeing my parents, I haven't seen them since the funeral.

I got very emotional after leaving your house earlier, coming home to pack for tomorrow.  I felt a lot for your parents and Alex suddenly, suddenly re-living their moments of pain and what they must have felt.  We can't tell the future but I hope we remain as family for a long time to come.

Thursday is staring at me again, from this chair.  It seems to be what she does most of the time when am home with her.  Am really curious about what goes on in her pretty little head.

Poor kitty, the next two days would definitely see a lot of fireworks round the house here...I hope she just, be strong and huddle under the sofa bed.

OK, I better pack now so I can get to bed soon.

Miss you.  Love you lots.

B

Letter seventy-six - Day one-hundred-and-five of your vacation

Dearest J,

I just scrubbed our toilet floor, I do a way better job than the cleaners I hire.  The laundry is still in the washing machine, done a while back.  The heavy downpour just subsided few minutes ago.

These days I have a little daily cleaning routine which I have grown to enjoy, I like to see the dirt gets swept up and go into the bin.  It's also kinda meditative and therapeutic, and it's something to do away from the desktop.

Thursday gets more adventurous these days.  She likes to sit on top of my study chair back rest and enjoy the view from there, it looks out into the River City stretch and Jalan Suppiah Pillai.  Mostly she amuses herself watching me type, after she's done looking out of the window.

Miss you,

B

Letter seventy-four - Day ninety-nine of your vacation

Dearest J,

Am listening to the rehearsal clips recorded from just a few minutes ago in KLPac Indicine... Ok, so the `mask placement' trick I did does seem to reduce the nasality in my singing.  I must remember to lift my mask more when I sing.  You would tell me am clever :)

I have learned that I need to sustain, or build more self-confidence towards my singing capability.  I realised I have been spending a lot of time conditioning myself that my voice is `not nice' and that my singing is bordering being half-cooked.  These thoughts are results of listening to myself a lot on recording, I have been recording myself a lot lately while am learning new repertoire.

Though recently I have met enough people said good things about my craft, you would think, that should help me get out of this mind-funk.  But no, I turn their compliments into fluke statements.

But this will stop, don't worry.  I maybe over-thinking slightly but am still rational.  I will record, and listen to my flaws and weaknesses, and fix them.  And I will believe it when someone tells me that I have a beautiful voice.

Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  This voice may really be beautiful to some people out there, even not to me.  Don't fret, I remember, I have the world biggest fan, you.  I was always the beautiful singer.  I will remember it tomorrow night when I sing Nobody Does It Better.

Last night was painful, I couldn't sleep.  I wanted to rest but tiredness stayed away. I thought of you and the days are going by so fast that tomorrow turns 100th day since Oct 3rd.  And then sad sad thought came over me.  It was a quick sand effect, I tried to get out but the more I try the deeper I go down.

Finally sleep came two hours later, I think.

Something from Thursday, for you to see.  Happened before I left for rehearsal.  That was Thursday's first game with the  toilet roll.  

Anyway, looks like tomorrow will be a full day out...I hope it's a full day out there with the music, despite the long waiting I have ahead.  2pm I have my sound check, the orchestra will start theirs at 230pm, at 330pm we will have a full run-thro which I wait in turn for my little three big songs.  After which I will have the whole day ahead of me while I wait to sing at 9pm.

...the days after this...100 days later and counting on.  Looking back at my letters to you, I realise what an incredibly self-indulgent journey this has been.

Three months ago when I started this letter project people asked me, Well, how long are you planning to and going to keep writing to him?  I said, I don't know.  I still don't know now, I guess I don't ever need to, or should feel the need to stop?

But I do want to stop having the feeling for need of missing you, and wallow in the misery of your absence.  Even though I feel that from day one of your departure, you have given me a very strong foundation, a fantastic foreword, a great opening chapter, to finish this book by myself.  It is because of that you gave me such great start, I was able to pick up the pieces so swiftly.

Sometimes I worry if there would be negative repercussions from my all-too-quick `recovery'.

I want to stop all these worrying, pondering if I should spend more time crying, thinking, mourning...

There is no purpose in wanting to cry more, wanting to wallow more.  I have had many nights, and days of those.   And I think now, with the next brand new eleven months ahead, I want to allocate some purposeful efforts to live more...meaningfully.

No more concerted sadness, I have to bring in a breathe of fresh air and really start to celebrate our union.  You and I, forever, and ever, even time won't part us.

Love always,

B

Letter seventy-three - Day ninety-eight of your vacation

Dearest J,

98 days.

The other day, I think it was yesterday, I asked a question to myself, I don't have the answer.  If you have found your biggest love in your life, and lost it.  What do you do for the rest of the journey left?

I got a Smart Tag finally.  Seeming and Sim got it for me.  Very happy to have it now.

Voice is much better today.  Still no singing, am saving it for tomorrow's rehearsal.

Had a lot of soups yesterday.  ABC soup in the morning, lotus roots & peanut soup in the afternoon and herbal soup at night.

This morning I had ABC soup again with rice and some olive bits, for breakfast.

Jazz class started a new routine today, Bollywood!!  We put Coldplay's song to and end.  Everyone had a blast.  I had a big lunch after the class, very happy.  These dance classes keep me very happy.

I do need to get back to singing class SOON.  The damage in the budget will be...big but, like, I think, it's necessary.

Thursday is getting bigger all the time, everyone jumps and exclaims "how fat is her little ass!"  everyone adores her wide-eyed innocence and enthusiasm.

I slept a lot last two days, went to bed at 12 last night.  Am glad to find some peace in a chaotic week like this.

Am making good progress packing for the three back-to-back shows today.

Just received a booking today for a show on your birth date...

Miss you much.

Love,

B

Letter seventy-one - Day ninety-four of your vacation

Dearest J,

It's a cold cold day here in the flat.  I painted my nails red today, for a show tomorrow in Lumut.  A big dinner party for the car people in Sitiawan.  Practiced my Broadway medley for my orchestra gig next week while I paint.  Thursday is rather tame today, Chels and I wonder why.

Thursday sits with me a lot when am working at my desk, nowadays she sits with me in my leather chair.  The leather seat is tattered with wounds of her scratching, giving it a `new skin'.  She is asleep now behind me on the chair!  Maybe it's the sleepy weather.  I too took a nap after staring at the music and my nails for over an hour.

I sent some flowers over for your mom's birthday today.  I can't make dinner with them tonight.  I bought her some lotion for her New Zealand trip next month, hope she finds them useful.

Down with a cold too.  Sore throat is better now but nose drips.

Next week it turns 100th day, of your departure.  Jan 12th.  A Wednesday.

It's going to be packed week.  Monday dance rehearsal with client review for Tawau dinner.  Tuesday I attending an annual dinner, attending as a guest!  Wednesday night orchestra rehearsal for the Thursday dinner show.  Friday morning I leave for the Sandakan dinner show, Saturday I come home for the Sheraton Imperial wedding show.  Sunday, I will catch a play on its last performance at 3pm, and at night I rehearse ensemble singing for a sacred music concert in July.

Wish you were here.

Much love,

B

Letter sixty-three - Day seventy-seven of your vacation

Dearest J,

Survived last week with three gigs almost back to back.  Had food poisoning on Saturday night but recovered pretty fast by morning, thanks to a strong jab of antibiotics at the 24-hour hospital down the road.

Bought Thursday some cat treats today and a collar with bell.  Now I can `hear' her.   Still no meowing, nothing. I let her sit on my lap while I blog...she looks very elegant in her black collar with gold bell.  She likes all the treats I bought.

The internet connection went down this afternoon, a first in the last 76 days.

Next week is going to be a busy week too.  Am going to send aunty Kuning back to Ipoh in my car with Nell and Peter as my travelling mates.  Then on Wednesday I go to Sabah for a music rehearsal with Roger Wang (am so excited!) and his band for a wedding on Thursday at Sutera Harbour.  Friday I fly home and catch a new year's eve dinner in KL.  On new year's day I will sing at a Ritz wedding.


Thursday in her new collar...just hope she doesn't choke on it when am not at home...


The theatre project has been called off, the excitement came fast and left fast enough too.  Now I hope those new year's bookings keep coming.


Finally had the car serviced today, long overdue.

Finally an early night today.  Am going to try to relax, shower and get some work done and get to bed earlier.  There are quite a number of songs I have to pick up for the next few gigs...looking forward to singing these new songs, include one of Siti Nurhaliza's.

Lots of love, missing you loads.

B

Letter fifty-six - Day sixty-seven of your vacation

Dearest J,

Bought Thursday a new litter tray today.  She has outgrown the one that Peter gave me so I went to Galaxy  pet shop in Uptown to get a big one with an open lid.

Jerome sent me the revised poster with my name on it for tomorrow's fundraiser at Annexe.  I like this poster, pink!

While I learn to mange my time better in a busy period, am trying to learn how to manage my inner world...for lack of a better word.  I want to get things done and feel productive but I realise more importantly I NEED to find peace of mind, and rest when I need it, to carry on.

Thursday jumps pretty well now.  I hope she doesn't get bored of this place so soon...I imagine one day she might but I hope she finds some contentment here.  She is looking at some invisible fly in the room now, looks like she is in a hunting mode.

Tomorrow is another activity-packed weekend.

Good night love.

B

Letter fifty-five - Day sixty-six of your vacation

Dearest J,

Been taking pictures of Thursday on my phone.  Share with you...

Thursday staring out at the night view on Tuesday night..

I wonder what was on her mind.

Thursday on Wednesday morning...

Got a lot on my mind, scattered thoughts all over the universe in my head...don't know where to start to tell you.  Will attempt when I have time again.  My mission is to get more rest now.

Miss you like crazy.

B

Letter forty-eight - Day fifty-six of your vacation

Dearest J,

Thursday is all curled up like a ball and fast asleep now on the Mama rug in my study, oblivious to the noise of after work traffic outside and Cassandra Wilson's singing on my iTune.

Took her to the vet today and got her 2nd jab for the skin infection and first vaccination, de-worm, cut nails again.  Bought a new bag of cat litter, the flushable kind, a bit expensive but am going to try anyway - Feline Fresh, pine wood and smell better.  Got a carrier cage, and a new water & food bowl.

It's nice to see her sleeping for so long, instead of having to fend her off my toes and anything that dangles in her face.

Spent the night at your place last night.  First time in weeks, in Weeks, that I went to sleep before 12am.

Am late for dinner at your place, going to bring over your dad's suitcase that you borrowed a while ago.

this pic of me, taken by Brandon Lim at the jazz workshop showcase.  It reminds me of your style...I miss having you pointing the lens at me.

56th day, 4 more days before this turns 2 months...

My sister said to me today, life is a speck of dust in the galaxy.  Good reminder.  We are all huge tiny speck of dust, going about everyday doing big things, and small things.

I love you, lots.

B

Letter forty-three - Day forty-nine of your vacation

Dearest J,

Thursday is scratching me crazy and am too lazy and too ignorant to discipline her....

Attended my one wedding last night for the year.   Haven't been keeping count but I attend about one wedding per year, or less.  It was a beautiful one last night.  Yuri and his `company' of best men and bridesmaids performed an incredible medley of songs for Xandria.

I took many pictures at your niche yesterday...took a lot of Tristan particularly.  And a handful of the giant cross at the Christian niche centre, simply coz it looks good on the camera.  Will try to edit a bunch and show your family.

The bank just called, they have approved my company account application and have asked me to go in tomorrow to make my first deposit!  Cheers to many cheques to go into this bank account.

Thursday is sleeping outside the study now.  I have made our little corridor as her area, her bed is there, with her two scratch pads.  In the night I move her bed into our bedroom next to me....I think she wants to jump on the bed soon, when she figures out how to jump.

Tomorrow, big day - first day at Greg Lyon's jazz workshop.  Am not that prepared but am prepared for the worst, BUT am ready to just make the best out of the...circumstance.

I better remember to find time to google a map or something, no clue how to get to the studio.

Have to get ready now for dinner gathering, brave it out in the traffic to PJ for yummy home food.

Wish you were here...miss holding you.

Love,

B

Letter forty-one - Day forty-sixof your vacation

Dearest J,

Thursday really should go to the vet soon.  Her nails are long and are nasty on the curtains in our house.  She is getting used to this space and have finally pooped this morning while I was out at Ann's hip hop class.

Max has put on some weight lately, I read him a book (Papi And I) on Wednesday...that doesn't happen very often.

Yesterday was a rather productive day, thought my songs for the jazz workshop are still not anywhere takes a shape.  I went over to Maybank down the road, finally, to open a company account.  I got my rubber stamp this week too.  Anyway, am grateful that the account opening process was a breeze, they now need to run a `company search' before they confirm the account and have me proceed with the first deposit.

I celebrated by stopping over on the way up to the flat, to eat.  Had a sour dough toast with egg mayo at Tommy Le Baker downstairs.  Tommy learned how to bake in France and we have many mutual friends in theatre, he lives here too.

My sister went over to see Mama yesterday with her Nyonya curry and some soup.  We stayed and chatted with her for a bit before I head out to meet Seeming and Nell at PJLA, my sister also left in a downpour to home.

Thursday stares at me, curious at every single moment or activity.

.....

I started this letter in the morning.  It's 8pm now.

Took Thursday to the vet near your house to cut her nails.  Doctor also gave her an injection (one of three) for her skin infection on her ears.  She hated the car ride there because she was left in the leg room by herself, when we got there she had a huge fits and took a few mins for her to calm down before I could hold her and got her out of the car.

She is now happy again, home and playing...with shorter nails, phew.  We both napped hungrily.

I had a late lunch at your place today, Mama made my favourite staple again - plain porridge, there was fry pumpkin with garlic, fried fish, her shallots.  I had two full bowls of that.

Hungry now.  I finally opened that packet of dark chocolate cookies Tania & gang got me (among other stuff in a huge basket) and ate two.  I sat on our couch eating and looking around the hall - it makes an excellent and intimate rehearsal space.  It's so especially cooling up here these days.  The dining table area would make a great meeting table for more than 6 people even...and with the keyboard in front of it.   And all the score books just at arm's length's reach.

This space should be made useful now.  It's really kinda big for just one of me.  We decided to buy this bigger unit because there were two of us, I remember it was you who initiated for a bigger design because you said, it works for the future, to have more space.  Well, now I shouldn't let this space go to waste...

I said this today on my FB status:

Don't wait for another breathe to be wasted...love deeply and seriously, honestly and whole-heartedly.

Am going to Cher Siang's gig tonight at Alexis Ampang.  Going to bring your Nikon there and hope to indulge in a few shots.

Miss you deeply,

B

Letter forty - Day forty-five of your vacation

Dearest J,

The test drive started last night after midnight.  Thursday arrived at Viva, she is loving her space and freedom so far.  I can imagine if you were here you'd be quite amused with her silliness.

Peter passed me cat food, cat litter, litter deodorizer, litter tray and...ya, and the kitten.  I got scratched all the time at my feet.  She is very attached to me, since last night on the way home.  She literally stared at me till she dropped to sleep...I don't know when.  I put her little sleep-mat on my wire-art-work (from flea market years ago) next to our bed so she can be near...which is what she likes, so far.

Meet Thursday, silly cat.

Christine came over to help me settle Thursday last night.  Fai came later to play with her too.  They are totally (seems to me la) smitten with her.

This morning I woke up to the sound of her playing with the plastic plug adapter I kept under my bed side table.

I fed her at 10am. She hasn't pooped yet.

I've been sleeping very very late.  Very naughty.  I better get my act together or this body won't hold up.

I signed up for a jazz workshop, paid and received all the music charts and recordings yesterday, been rather stressed with it since...what was I thinking?  Jazz workshop...

Christine helped me last night with three songs, I recorded my parts on my phone with her playing.  You'd be happy to know that this keyboard you bought me a few birthdays ago is finally being put to better use these days.

Last week the keyboard went to Actors Studio for that Replay acoustic outing.  Today am using it for a wedding rehearsal.

This cat makes me smile sometimes, she just keep staring at me, I imagine that it's you gazing up at me ok..

I miss you lots, LOTS...hugs.

Love,
B