Letter thirty-one - Day thirty-three of your vacation

Dearest J,

I started eating today from 3pm right up to 11pm.  Happy Depaavali.   This morning I weighed myself, I arrived at 45kg again.  Will see how long I stay past 45kg.

Went to my first hip-hop class this morning, had a good work-out prancing about trying to look angry and tough.  Had lovely breakfast after the class alone at the bakery downstairs, it was simple, beautiful and quiet.  Public holidays in town is just pure bliss.

Went to your house in the afternoon and met your aunt Vicky from Singapore, finally.  So now I know this is the lady you stayed with previously where there is a cat in that house...she invited me to stay with her if I need a place in Singapore.

Dinner at Bombay Palace earlier was fantastic.  I think I will always prefer the food we had over at Eswaran's house on Deepaavali a few years ago.

Anyway, just want to share something I told Nell earlier via chat, you guess it...it's about you again..


nell: ill never understand how much u miss him but we are here with you - i miss him too

 me:  you know what the great thing is? for us - the great thing is that we all live very well without him, 

we still live great lives (so far), so thats the gift from him

...he left with us in one piece, still in one piece

he didnt leave us in complete shambles

 nell:  are you living very well?  seriously?

 me:  i think so, for my standard yes.

it's a poor life without a guy like him, but am no short of happiness

i think thats the best thing that he's he given me.  the sadness i have now is nothing to do with the happiness i have... (i might not make sense yet)

what i am tryin to say is ok, this is very interesting for me - coz am thinking now

what am saying is:

i have always been a happy person because of a  few things. and justin wasnt 100% of that but he was the person who HELPED me to gain those few things that MAKE me happy.  i have always been happy bcoz i get to sing for a living - so singing makes me happy and he was the one who put me there, he helped me quit my job.   i have always been happy bcoz i am cheerful n sunny and He was the ONE who taught me to be sunny

and positive

...

so i am happy bocz i sing and bcoz am sunny, not directly bcoz of justin being there, physically next to me

24 hours a day.  but he was instrumental to my improved mind.  so now, i can still be happy without him - being physically next to me -  bcoz he has left me with  the ability to be happy on my own - singing & be positive...

nell, do i make sense ah?

 nell:  yes, u do

 me:  so ya, but you know and i know - i was ALSO happy bcoz i was in a good relationship with him

 nell:  yes

 me:  n i got a lot of emotional support from him, n he from mand now thats no more.  so thats the sad part

but at least he has taught me how to be happy.

 me:  i talk so long long

 nell:  u got a good mind going 

 nell:  i am relieved.  no, it's good to let it out

 me:  so thats what i mean

 nell:  to talk long long

 me:  by i have a good life now at the moment. cant say about future

 nell:  at least now u also clearer about what u r feeling wat

 me:  its a good life, though without him the most important person to me for the past 8 years

...just have to learn to live with that

 nell:  yes, definitely, we learn something new everyday

good u have a clear mind & u sound fine to me - so tat's good

 me:  ya, sometimes i still cant believe he is just not here anymore.  duno how long it will take.  to really see he is gone

 nell:  it's ok, u dun need an answer immediately - take one day at a time la

Wow so sleepy now! Getting up early for pilates class!

Love you lots, 

B