Shopping n Dating

Shopping

Remember my new year resolution in the previous post? Well I went out yesterday and blew more from my bank account. I shall declare my need for professional help....

I need to stop thinking owning that pair of chic new shoes will make me a happier person....arrrgh, but it does! So? Maybe start switching to other `happy buttons' like watching movies, reading. No no no, I'm happy watching movies and reading in my new wardrobe.

Stuck.

This is wrong. The rest of the world is gathering aid to help the needy and people are dealing with terminal diseases and deaths and what am I doing? Deciding what makes me tick?

Man....my focus is so insensitive. But but but, I'm only being sensitive to myself? What's wrong with making myself happy?? Is that being selfish? BTW have you read the book [The Selfish Gene]?

This is the my heads (conscience and MYself) talking, they have been confronting each other for a while now...I guess I need external help.

OK, maybe the key is moderation, practice the act of balancing. Also, I need to lay off MNG n Zara sale, I need to be more creative with my current wardrobe, clean some old shoes, repair some skirts, alter a few trousers and viola, a fresh wardrobe.

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Dating

I witnessed the marriage signing (is that what is called? or is it registration?) of Alex n Rose. Justin n I were the ironic witnesses. Dressed in my fuchsia pink dress with lacy neckline and stilettos, I think I nearly upstage the bride, lucky for me Rose is one cool chick she didn't bat an eye lid.

Everyone says I'm on the losing end, spending time with him. We are doing what couples do except to him, I'm not his `steady girlfriend'. Since I know he's not seeing anyone now, I don't see what I have got to lose. Of course, I understand what people mean, there is no security or commitment to what we have right now. He can walk out of my life and start screwing another woman because officially we're not attached to each other.

I guess that's why both he and I (maybe more for him) are skeptical of the worldly `official attachment'. No one belongs to anyone and nobody can attach themselves to anyone if the other party is not willing. What is `forever' in this fast-changing world and gee, who knows what happens the next minute? Apart from getting his insurance money, assets that will be signed on to a man's legal and lawful wife, what can she do to capture his heart? Nothing, you can't chain a man's heart.

You can love him and hope he returns your love. My friend on loving:


But I will say this: He has held me, and cried on my shoulder. I've cried on his, because he's so confused. He's no more happier now, than when he left me behind. And what can I do? I am, and always will be his best friend. And I've made the conscious decision to accept that it might not go further than that. But he needs me emotionally, and I've come to accept that where he's concerned, my feelings have no boundaries.

So I'm going to hold his hand, and walk him through this relationship. And if he leaves her, I'm not going to be the one pushing him into it. It's a huge risk. And one I have to accept the cost of. I am a mother. And I am a wife. To fight with tooth and nail isn't what the situation calls for.

I realized that this morning...where I stand. Where I choose to stand. So, I'm going to put my jealousy in the backseat, and let my heart drive me. And my heart says he needs a friend. I will be that friend...but god, it hurts! It hurts me so bad.

I guess only a woman can be this friend to men. I can't imagine there's a man being a friend to a woman and does not wish for anything in return, in this sort of context.

While I wonder to myself where I stand with him. I have paid for a speed dating round for this weekend...with two other curious girlfriends. Like I have told them before, I doubt there will be any good picks in a speed date but it is definitely a great excuse to dress up and have a laugh, something to blog about, and stories to tell...and of course, bonus being finding friendships (don't forget girls, you get to mingle with the women too!).

Now...open toe shoes or closed toe shoes?