The bleak future and the big picture

pic - Ben Tan

Again, without any warning, I am feeling bleak, or my future is bleak.  Maybe it's the rain, the cold tiled floor and the cold wind blowing into my shower.

Am not sure if I abandoned my usual hopeful self, or my hopeful self has abandoned me.

Can it be that hopeful and hopeless are but a switch of a thought, a perspective, change of an angle?

I don't need reminders to know I am a very special species of a woman and that it took a really special guy to `see' me.  J was very very special indeed.  Am not sure if there are that many very special guy out there.  Though J and I shared the same philosophy in 'you can't tell what the future lies', I was always sure that the bond we have, it is one that is hard to fall out of.  I told myself that we found each other in a sea of billions soul, and that I was lucky, and am settled and done for.  We didn't need no reassurance of a marriage or ring, vows to know that we complete each other.  In fact, we did exchange `vows', in our own special way...in emails, and being miles apart.

I `proposed' to J that year in 2007 thro an email, to grow old with me:

21/12/2007

J,

David and I had a great outing today and we chatted a lot.  Eventually he asked about you and I, and eventually the subject of marriage came in.  I wasnt good at all in making my point about why we dun want to get married.  I thought about it for a while now that am home and I finally realise that, it's something I really want with you, is that...

I don't need to marry you, all I really really want, is to grow old with you and be your bestest friend till our old age.  It's the most romantic thing in the world for me, to be able to stay together when we are riped old and love each other to bits.  the rest really dont matter to me.

I hereby officially propose to you to grow old with me, as oppose to marrying me :)

I love you.

yours,

B

He replied soon enough, I was so happy to get this:

Dearest B,

Poor me crying when i read your email proposal-woh. I'm so touched. I accept your proposal and wouldn't anything different. Lets do it.

Love you much B. cant wait to meet you in Chiang Mai.

J
--
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.

- Albert Einstein

In full consciousness, I allow myself to indulge in these memories, wallowing in useless thoughts and images of me growing older alone.  

Maybe for another couple of months or so I shall allow myself these little pockets of time for unproductive thoughts...I shall enjoy in full volume of this aloneness.  I sat at the dining table earlier, drinking tea and reading a new book that Cher Siang passed me, but mostly staring into space and breathing in the emptiness around me.

But, no matter how bleak the future of meeting men may seem, and how `attractive' the idea of growing old alone with music (and yes, with friends) maybe - I wouldn't want to be the person, a person, who is all about herself.  I want to feel alone sometimes, but most of the time, I want to feel like part of this wonderful universe.

Being part of the revolution of mankind, as part of the fight for the survival of arts, music, animal welfare, vegetarianism, vintage clothing, recycling, being kind.

So ya, if I don't have that very special someone in my bed.  I want to be out there, and have that something big.  And be in that big picture.