Letters number one hundred and thirty: The days go on

Dearest J,

I don't know if you have ever stopped in your track, and think...everyday, at every juncture of predicament and challenge in your way - you are learning how to live.

Does it ever get tiring, I am refraining from asking you questions because I know I have to answer everything myself.  The answers come much later down the road.  They will come.

The way I see my life now is in two parts, the one with you in it and the one AFTER you.  Honestly, in the most ironic, perhaps morbid and unromantic way - I feel like I've only start to 'live' this life after you left.  It feels like the life with you before was my university years, preparing me for the real thing after you go.  After you let go of your firm and reassuring grip on me.

Off I go.  It still feels like sometimes such a tiresome chore to be treading this road of life.  At most times I look around and see so much to be thankful for - even without anyone to hold on to.  Isn't it so true, that we come into this world alone and we go alone.  With families and closest of friends, we are always, all the time alone, inside ourselves.

Here I am J, coming to my second album soon; surviving the big unknown again.  Still feeling almost lost in looking for my voice, still looking, at my 11th year of working in music; still looking for myself at my 39th year of being alive.  And oh, learning in giving my body and my mind to the pleasure of the flesh a second chance, learning from scratch in becoming a woman again.  Learning new tricks to pick myself up each time I fall prey to fear and doubts, learning to listen to old advice like a trusted therapist.

And I do feel oh so lazy some days, a lot of days.  My laziness drive me to the kitchen, and proceed to intoxicate my mind with cooking...a pot of tea and some snacks and open pages in books, cleaning up the corners of the flat, dusting off books piled on the shelves, more eating and drinking tea in bed and sofa, more cooking...

And oh, I have finally caught up with you in the running/jogging.  I enjoy a run outside, whether alone or with friends.  The haze in the city has been bad each season and our clear sky days are quite numbered so that is quite an annoying deterrent for running outside.  I have learned how to do breast stroke proper, I enjoy swimming nowadays.  I have started a daily morning workout routine at home after I make my bed, this started after my birthday just more than a week ago.

Still lots to learn J. To stay constantly motivated to stay alive and be better in things.  I am slow but I never stop.

Feel good to talk to you.  Just needed to let this out so I can go on.


Much love, thinking of you,

B

The Dancer in me

I have always loved dancing, ever since I vaguely know what dancing is, or looks like - in my tender age of primary school going years; in my small hometown with a shrouded view of performance arts and entertainment.

For me then, to be able to move gracefully and skilfully is power, almost like a super power, or special talent.  In my little head, I think the people I saw on the TV screen strutting their stuff are attractive and powerful people who can get what they want in life - because they are such beautiful dancers.  I don't know how or where I got that idea from but it just happened.

After my sister left home to work in the city, I had our bedroom to myself.  In the middle of that small bedroom - was my dance floor.  That tiny patch of 5x4 feet was where I dance - or moved my body according to whatever little "received pronunciation" I had back then for dance.  I would dance to the music they played on Radio 4, or on my cassettes; seeing the image of a beautiful dance in my head.  Sometimes I watch the reflection of myself in the glass window, I could see it better in the evening when the lights are on in my room.

In high school I remember performing at our annual Girl Guides and Scouts concerts..or some other school outings, I especially remember rehearsing and working hard to dance to songs like Janet Jackson's Black Cat, Mariah Carey's Dream Lover, and something by Black Machine.  Haha..

It was really pure joy and fun to dance back then, when there was no one to examine us, compare us (and me), and correcting our moves.  I in fact cannot even remember who were the choreographers, must have been one of our schoolmates.  But I remember in my mind our choreography were sophisticated - for us teenagers from Chinese school in Taiping.

I guess if singing is the thing I do to define my vocation in life, then dancing would something I do to show the world the inner child in me, the person who loves to play.

Ironically, many years after I played hard in dancing to Janet Jackson's songs I came to understand how much training, discipline and handwork is needed to 'play' it well.  This understanding came after attending weekly dance classes for years, what I do for fun.

The one thing that I always feel a little embarrassed to admit is that I have more fun in dance classes than my singing classes (perhaps not being a professional dancer is one of the reasons).  Sure, I have my fair share of frustrations in dance classes too with catching up with choreography, with technique and all that but it doesn't come close to the amount of fun and joy I get in dancing in a class - it all makes up for it.

Then, about two to three years ago I started watching myself dancing in videos - be it in classes or rehearsal for love performances and musicals.  The sight of myself dancing was a gross monstrosity to my eyes because the captured performance is honest and transparent, all my flaws are pronounced. I was puzzled and spent a great deal of time trying to figure out why I look horrible on videos even if I felt great dancing a piece of music.  By that time my ability to remember and to learn choreography has improved a lot so it wasn't that I couldn't do it, I just look horrible doing it.  Ok, if not terribly horrible, I look weird, stiff, and not convincing.  Funnily, I didn't go to my dance teacher then to ask her why, I showed my friend my videos and asked her.  Callista is a part time Latin dancer and an old friend and she is generous with her knowledge and sharing.  She watched me dance and saw my videos and told me my upper back is crazy stiff. "All the movements that involve working your back, curling and such, you don't `finish' the moves properly - hence it looks not so nice."  Callista told me it is something I can work on to overcome.  "Ok, got it!"

And then I started noticing my bowleggedness. This 'cacatness' affect the aesthetics of my movement and postures in dancing.  This time round I take the case up with my dance teacher, my ballet teacher to be specific.  Miss Nell said, "Yes, you are bow-ledgged.  Don't worry, we can work on it and you will still look good IF YOU WORK HARD."

More than a year ago when I was planning my first solo concert I had the vision of me being in my finest physical form, singing and dancing - holding on own in doing both that I love.  When the script writing came for that concert it was decided that there would be no dancing, the decision suited the concept well.  We sold out on both nights of the concert, even though I didn't get to dance, haha.

Now just a year after that concert I am planning my next one and this time - having done the highly melancholic in the first - I can now safely depart from the sedated and bring out the bold, and the dance...hence:

Showgirl concert, March 2017.

I am challenging myself to overcome the stiff upper back, bowlegged, and everything else that have made me look less than good on the dance floor - to open and close the show next year with a performance that I will be proud of.  It's about a year from now, the game is on.   The work will be colossal, the pain unbearable (but good thing I like pain) and the hours plenty.  I am grateful to have my other old friend on board, Nell, who is fearless in the workplace.  Thank you for taking this up with me.  Let's dance.

Workout diary: Session #24, July 16th

a) warm up @ 7 min jogging

b) Pull down @ 18kg @ 15 reps x 5 sets
Bicep curl @ 14 lbs @ 15 reps x 5 sets

c) chest press @ 18kg + triceps dips x 4 sets @ 15 reps

d) dead lift @ 18kg @ 12 reps + squats @ 15 lbs @ 15 reps x 4 sets

e) walking lunges @ 14 lbs x 4 sets

Workout diary: Session #23, July 9th

a) warm up - jogging @ 6min

b) squats @ 15 reps @ 15 lbs x 5 sets

c) calf raise @ 8 lbs @ 30 reps x 5 sets

d) walking lunges with shoulder press x 18 lbs x 4 sets

e) side plank @ 20 reps x 4 sets

superman plank @ 6 lbs @ 20 reps x 4 sets

Workout diary: Session #22, July 8th

a) warm up @ jogging @ 6min

b) pulldown @ 18kg @ 15 reps x 4 sets
rowing @ 16 lbs @ 15 reps x 4 sets

c) lateral raise @ 16 lbs @ 15 reps x 4 sets
reverse fly @ 8 lbs @ 15 reps x 4 sets

d) push up - variations: diamond / normal / wide @ 10 reps x 4 sets

e) ankle reach (oblique) left and right @ 10 reps x 3 sets

f) twist sit up - left and right @ 10 reps x 3 sets

g) sit-up @ 20 reps x 3 sets

Workout diary: Session #21, July 4th

I spent the weekend dragging my sore body all over town.  Sargent up my game on Friday with weights level I've never been before, though it was tough during the class...I didn't see the impact coming, till right after class at my steering wheels...woooaah, my arms just 'died' and the following day the `fun' begins.  He replied my whatsapp message "Aiyayai, you rest up ya...yup, today memang nak push you to the new limit..."

Yup, it was the day it looked like the bar was gonna crash on me in the crazy clean and jerk!

a) warm up @ 5 min

b) Clean & Jerk @ 4 sets @ 15kg

c) Arnold press @ 16 lbs + lateral raise @ 12 lbs + reverse fly @ 8 lbs x 10 reps x 4 sets

d) squats @ 30 lbs @ 15 reps x 4 sets (killer...mofo) 

e) calf raise @ 30 reps x 4 sets

g) dead lift (heaviest ever for me) @ 25kg x 4 sets @ 15 reps

CAYA LAH!  woooooot...hooked on pain, this little mad bitch in me...

Workout diary: Session #20, July 1st

Had a nice portion of breakfast an hour before the session, of eggs, bread and butter.  But at the start of the walking lunges I got dizzy and had to sit out the last 2 sets :( Sargent had to rescue me by getting me sugary drinks from the vending machine...to think that was the start of Ramadan and I had wanted to not drink for an hour during the workout.

a) warm-up @ jogging @ 7mins

b) pulldown @ 5 sets @ 15 reps @ 18kg

c) push-ups @ 5 sets @ 15 reps

d) lunges @ 2 sets @ 15 lbs

e) jumping squats @ 2 sets @ 15 reps

"died" during the walking lunges and jumping squats, so Sargent Naim had to switch exercise to planks...

f) side plank @ 3 sets of 15 reps

g) side sit-up @ 3 sets of 20 reps

h) sit-ups @ 3 sets of 20 reps

i) jogging @ 5 mins

Workout diaryy: Session #19, June 25th

Focus: upper body training 

a) warm up @ jogging @ 6min

b) pulldown 

- front pulldown @ 15 reps x 3 sets - weights: 14kg (1 set), 18kg (2 sets)

- back pulldown @ 15 reps x 3 sets - weights: 14kg (1st & 2nd set), 18kg (3rd set)

c) Rowing @ 4 sets @ 15 reps @ 18 lbs

d) reverse fly @ 4 sets @ 15 reps @ 8 lbs

e) Arnold press @ 4 sets @ 15 reps @ 16 lbs 

f) front raise @ 3 sets @ 15 reps @ 16 lbs

g) bicep curl @ 3 sets @ 15 reps @ 18 lbs 

h) sit-ups - side 

- 10 reps @ left & right @ 4 sets

- normal sit-up @ 10 reps @ 4 sets

Workout diary: Session #18, June 20th

a) Warm up @ 5min jog on treadmill

b) Clean & Jerk @ 5 sets:
  1-3rd set @ 12 reps @ 14 lbs
  4th & 5th set @ 10 reps @ 20 lbs

c) Push ups @ 3 sets of 30 reps - variations: diamond, normal, wide

d) Walking lunges with bicep curls - 3 sets of 20 steps @ 16 lbs

e) Sit-ups @ 4 sets of 15 reps

Workout diary: Session #17, June 17th

a) Warm up - 6 min

b) Walking lunges with shoulder press @ 20 steps x 4 sets

c) Jumping squats - 15 reps x 4 sets

d) Pull down @ 18kg x 4 sets

e) Bicep curls @ 14 lbs @ 15 reps x 4 sets

f) Shoulder press - 18 lbs @ 12 reps x 4 sets & lateral raise - 8 lbs @ 12 reps x 4 sets

g) Sit-up - 30 reps x 4 sets (mix of normal sit-up and side)

Workout diary: Session #15, June 6 + Session #16, June 10

Didn't take any diary for session #15 ;p

Session # 16 was a level up for me, Sargent Naim said "Ah today we are going to do tougher exercises.."

a) Warm up - jogging of 6 min

b) Clean & Jerk - Sargent explained to me what's involved and he let me did the first set of 10 reps without saying much, it was a bitch of course...my wrist wanted to give way to the bar when I lifted it to my shoulder and up to a shoulder press.

"You see I wanted you to learn the hard way...before I let you in on the trick of this exercise, on how to `cheat'!"  .......

He showed me the routine again with the proper usage of momentum to enable the lifting/pulling of the bar into a smooth transition into the next movement - a deep squat with the bar lifted on shoulder level, and in the exhalation shift from deep squat into standing position and propel the barbell upward into a shoulder press.

Felt like magic, haha...now that feels like a bit like dancing, getting the momentum right then the routine become possible to do, I  told Sargent.

So that's 10 reps in one set, I did 5 sets of that, the last set with increased repetition to 15.  The barbell was 10kg.

c) Walking lunges - 20 steps x 5 sets @ 14kg -- this is my absolute pet dislike exercise....so I put on music on my iPod to ease the boring routine while Sargent went on counting and making a clown of himself, tickling me to laughter while I juggled lunging and holding on to the dumbbells.

d) Shoulder press @ 16 pounds + lateral raise @ 8 pounds x 4 sets @ 12 reps

e) superman plank @ 20 reps x 4 sets @ 6 pounds

f) Leg raise @ 15 reps x 3 sets  -- I had to do something extra yesterday with this routine, adding a tummy crunch and lift both legs high up and reach from pelvis to touch Sargent's hands where he was standing in front of me.  A killer for the abs ...necessary evil I guess.

g) Normal sit-up @ 15 reps x 4 sets

Workout diary: Session #14, June 3

Poor Sargent was out of action for a week due to a fall in a drain (!!!!!) in a heavy downpour...his wound was infected.

a) Jog @ 5 min 

b) Pull down -- 4 sets 

1st set @ 14kg @ 20 reps

2nd - 4th set @ 18kg @ 15 reps

c) bend over roll -- 4 sets 

1st set @ 20 reps @ 16 pounds

2nd - 4th set @ 15 reps @ 18 pounds

d) reverse fly -- 4 sets 

1st set @ 20 reps @ 8 pounds

2nd - 4th set @ 15 reps @ 8 pounds

e) shoulder press @ 15 reps @ 16 pounds

+ lateral raise @ 15 reps @ 8 pounds

f) superman plank with dumbbells @ 8 pounds @ 20 reach x 4 sets

g) side crunch + normal sit-ups @ 20 reps x 4 sets

Workout diary: Session #13, May 23rd

a) warm up - 5 min jog

b) squats - 20 reps, (I have been spelling this wrong and I had no idea - that 'squad' is not 'squat'!!!) walking lunges - 10 steps, calf raise - 30 reps -- all with 9 pounds each arm, 3 sets

c) side plank @ 15 reps + hip abduction @ 20 reps -- 4 sets

d) side crunch @ 10 reps + sit-ups @ 12 reps  -- 4 sets

e) jog @ incline 3% - 5 min

Workout diary: Session #12, May 21st

Sargent Naim upped my game today! Adding on weights for my pull-down exercises and I quite..almost didn't flinch the whole time, ALMOST :)

a) Warm-up jogging @ 5min @ 4mph

b) Pull-down (back and front) & shoulder press
1st set pull down @ 14kg @ 40 reps
2nd set pull down @ 18kg @ 30 reps
3rd set pull down @ 23kg @ 16 reps
4th set pull down @ 18kg @ 30 reps
5th set pull down @ 14kh @ 40 reps

Shoulder press of 5 sets @ 15 reps each, with dumbbells @ 12 pounds, 14 pounds, 16 pounds


c) Push-ups (5 sets @ 15 reps) and climbers (5 sets of 20 reps)

d) Sit-up and glut (hamstring exercise - new) - 4 sets of 15 reps

e) Lunges with weights (20 steps @ 4 sets @ 18 pounds) and calf raises (4 sets of 30 reps)


Lunch after workout today was super delicious, Sargent took me to a Rojak stall near the gym.  "The Chinese aunty's fruits rojak is damn good!"  Not really a fruits Rojak fan, but I ordered a box for myself anyway, with chilies and extra crackers, and a bottle of fresh coconut water.  The rojak was sooooo good that I had to stop my car at the side of the road and finished it there and then :)  ...then again, I know, so far all my meals right after the workout taste REALLY good.

Well then, another fruits rojak with chilies for me this Friday.

Workout training diary: Session #11, May 16th

I told Sargent that am getting lazier with my training diary...guess what, we didn't make the diary again after class.  He had a new client, a newsreader lady, she had her session right after my class and I finished late so I had to rush off to make way for her class to start - so no diary.

what I remember

a) Warm up - 5 min jog on the treadmill @ 4mph

b) pull down, 14kg x 20 reps x 1 set
then 18kg x 15 reps x 3 sets

c) bicep curls - 10 reps x 5 sets @ 9 pounds each hand

d) Superman plank - 4 sets of 20 reps

e) Sit-ups - 4 sets of 15 reps

f) lateral raise...

g) the killer...shoulder press with dumbbells, can't remember the weights, but it wasn't nice.  So nasty that Sargent had to assist me on the last 2 sets.

I have never looked at myself in the mirror this much, this obsession of toning makes me feel vain and at the same time, relieved to know that am able to face my own vanity.

I was told that the body-toning/transformation may be slower for me due to my vegetarian diet - intake of protein may not be enough...so I bought more tempeh this morning at the market.  Will add in a lot more tofu and beans in my menu.  Sargent will bring me some protein-shake samples to try at my next session - that should supplement my lack of protein for my post work-out meals.

...all in all, I do notice the tiny changes in my arms, shoulders and abs.  The indigestion and bloating situation has improved a little - am guessing it's due to my overall attention to eating and toilet schedule - doesn't look like it's the effect of the expensive probiotics that I started taking.  The improvement came after I started training in April, whereas I've started taking probiotics a month before that.

Food never tasted better after I started weight-trainig :)

Guess am a converted pain-junkie :)

Workout training diary: Session #10, May 13th

a) warm up jogging - 5 min - 4mph :)

b) dead lift (30 pounds x 15 reps x 5 sets) and
squads - 30 pounds x 15 reps x 5 sets

c) lunges with shoulder press (DIED!!!) - started with 18 pounds dumbbells, then 16 pounds - Sargent Naim had to give me lighter weights after one set because I just couldn't carry on with the 18-pound shoulder press in lunges...4 sets

d) push-ups, 20 reps x 4 sets

e) sit-ups, 5 sets of 15 reps

Workout training diary: Session #9, May 9th

a) 5 min jog on treadmill

b) squads & walking lunges
1st set - 20 squads with 18 pounds
2nd - 4th set @ 20 reps with 14kg dumbbells

c) push ups - 4 sets of 15 reps (angled) + leg raise @ 20 reps x 4 sets

d) calf raise - 4 sets of 30 reps

e) side sit-ups - 4 sets of 20 reps
normal sit-ups - 4 sets of 12 reps

f) jumping squads - 4 sets of 15 reps

next session - Tuesday, May 12th :)


The jumping squad was a killer, took me a bit of time to get the posture and body right.  The weekend followed with aches all over...subsided on late Sunday..

Workout training diary: Session #7, May 2nd

a) warm up jogging of 5-min

b) push-ups - 10 reps x 5 sets

c) chest press (on machine...killer for me) - 15 reps x 4 sets (14kg)

d) Arnold press - 10 reps x 5 sets (4 pounds each hand)

e) lateral Raise - 15 reps x 4 sets (4 pounds each hand)

f) triceps dips - 10 reps x 4 sets

g) sit-ups - 10 reps x 4 sets

h) crunches - 15 reps x 3 sets

i) plank (Superman) - 20 reps 7 4 sets


Sargent injured himself on Sunday night at football, hope he gets some help soon.  Sessions on delay...

Workout training diary: Session #6, April 25th

a) Warm up run of 5 min on treadmill

b) Squads & shoulder press with dumbbells - 5 sets of 15 reps
Squads with 15 pounds each hand
Shoulder press with 8 pounds each hand

c) Pull down & Lunges - 5 sets each
Pull down weights - 1st set of 20 reps @ 14kg, 2nd set - 5th set @ 18kg for 15 reps
Lunges with weights - starts with 6 pounds each hand, then 8 pounds, 9 pounds and then 15 pounds (the 15 p each hand - REAL Killer)

d) Push ups - 4 sets of 15 reps

e) Tricep dips - 4 sets of 15 reps

f) Sit-ups - 4 sets of 15 reps

g) Leg raise - 4 sets of 15 reps

Workout training diary: Session #5, April 17th

a) Warm up with 5-min run on treadmill

b) Push-ups: 3 sets of 30 reps with variations of diamond hand, shoulder weight and wide push-up

c) Shoulder press: 3 sets of 15-reps

d) Lateral raise: 3 sets of 15-reps

e) Pull down: 18kg - 3 sets of 12-reps

f) Bend over roll: 3 sets of 15-reps

g) Dead lift: 3 sets of 15-reps (I have no idea why it's called a Dead lift, will ask Sargent Naim in the next class)

h) Squads: 3 sets of 15-reps

i) Sit-ups: 3 sets of 10-reps normal sit-ups + 3 sets of 10-reps `alternate hand touching knee'

Next session: haven't scheduled but slot in two sessions for next week :)