Letter seventy-four - Day ninety-nine of your vacation

Dearest J,

Am listening to the rehearsal clips recorded from just a few minutes ago in KLPac Indicine... Ok, so the `mask placement' trick I did does seem to reduce the nasality in my singing.  I must remember to lift my mask more when I sing.  You would tell me am clever :)

I have learned that I need to sustain, or build more self-confidence towards my singing capability.  I realised I have been spending a lot of time conditioning myself that my voice is `not nice' and that my singing is bordering being half-cooked.  These thoughts are results of listening to myself a lot on recording, I have been recording myself a lot lately while am learning new repertoire.

Though recently I have met enough people said good things about my craft, you would think, that should help me get out of this mind-funk.  But no, I turn their compliments into fluke statements.

But this will stop, don't worry.  I maybe over-thinking slightly but am still rational.  I will record, and listen to my flaws and weaknesses, and fix them.  And I will believe it when someone tells me that I have a beautiful voice.

Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  This voice may really be beautiful to some people out there, even not to me.  Don't fret, I remember, I have the world biggest fan, you.  I was always the beautiful singer.  I will remember it tomorrow night when I sing Nobody Does It Better.

Last night was painful, I couldn't sleep.  I wanted to rest but tiredness stayed away. I thought of you and the days are going by so fast that tomorrow turns 100th day since Oct 3rd.  And then sad sad thought came over me.  It was a quick sand effect, I tried to get out but the more I try the deeper I go down.

Finally sleep came two hours later, I think.

Something from Thursday, for you to see.  Happened before I left for rehearsal.  That was Thursday's first game with the  toilet roll.  

Anyway, looks like tomorrow will be a full day out...I hope it's a full day out there with the music, despite the long waiting I have ahead.  2pm I have my sound check, the orchestra will start theirs at 230pm, at 330pm we will have a full run-thro which I wait in turn for my little three big songs.  After which I will have the whole day ahead of me while I wait to sing at 9pm.

...the days after this...100 days later and counting on.  Looking back at my letters to you, I realise what an incredibly self-indulgent journey this has been.

Three months ago when I started this letter project people asked me, Well, how long are you planning to and going to keep writing to him?  I said, I don't know.  I still don't know now, I guess I don't ever need to, or should feel the need to stop?

But I do want to stop having the feeling for need of missing you, and wallow in the misery of your absence.  Even though I feel that from day one of your departure, you have given me a very strong foundation, a fantastic foreword, a great opening chapter, to finish this book by myself.  It is because of that you gave me such great start, I was able to pick up the pieces so swiftly.

Sometimes I worry if there would be negative repercussions from my all-too-quick `recovery'.

I want to stop all these worrying, pondering if I should spend more time crying, thinking, mourning...

There is no purpose in wanting to cry more, wanting to wallow more.  I have had many nights, and days of those.   And I think now, with the next brand new eleven months ahead, I want to allocate some purposeful efforts to live more...meaningfully.

No more concerted sadness, I have to bring in a breathe of fresh air and really start to celebrate our union.  You and I, forever, and ever, even time won't part us.

Love always,

B