Sitting with my ugly side

I woke up this morning and discovered layers of myself, facets of myself that I hadn't noticed before. Ego, insecurities and dissatisfaction that I didn't know were there before.

OK, the feelings and the analysis are still raw.  I still need time to sit with these findings and cool down - not to get ahead of myself.

What about all my quiet solitary nods to self that this is a good life and I love so much of what I have, and is grateful?   Were those not real?  I wasn't lying to myself was I?

Deep breathing.   Had to be enforced.
Because the feeling of hurt and pain (where did they come from, I am asking) oozed out of my tear glands and lungs felt as real as a pillar of cement being bumped on my throat and chest.

Recalibration needed.

Start from the ground up.

I've verbalised so much about the unaffectedness of me with the subject of fame, ask me again.

Much to rethink about what my relationship is with ego and insecurities.

Right now, the waves of hurt and pained feeling just lashing at me.  I am just glad I have the space and time to be alone to sit here with them.

The 10-day silent retreat suddenly feels very urgent.

My wisdom - whatever is here now - tells me to take a moment to let this all settle before I jump on anything.

Not that scheduling for the retreat is in anyway detrimental, just as always, a matter of time management.

Guess I've always thought I am the kind of person who walks on the sunny side of the road.  All this traveling down, I have not noticed all the rotting garbage along the side walk where my eyes don't meet.

This is the day - the wake-up-and-smell-the-garbage day.

The head is aching from everything.

At least my heart is still beating and I am hungry for food...time to feed.

This too shall pass.