Going Deep Into The Mental

A script for my Miss Cakap Banyak Diary @ Jan 28

Happy Chinese new year and happy holiday if you're still on holiday.

This is going to be a special episode of diary, I am going to talk about something a bit serious.  In fact, not only serious but it's borderline...disturbing.

But like many things, you need to disrupt, make a mess before some good can come.

Well in this case I hope I am heading to that direction of bringing better things to come.

I want to share with you today, and admit to myself today that I have issues.

What issues?

The thing is, I myself don't know the whole of it - I just know that deep inside me, buried under all my surface composure of being the energetic, talkative, friendly person that we see outside -- there are a bunch of stuff that are bubbling in deep water.

Sometimes this shit gets so hot it comes up to the surface and make an unpleasant mess and then goes away.  When it surfaces, it gets my attention for a bit, I'd self reflect and make a note of the problem.  Sometimes I keep a diary of the incident and my thoughts, sometimes I make a conversation with a friend on the matter and get an insight from another person's perspective - that always helps.

OK so you are watching and thinking, what the fuck is she on and on about?

Basically, in the wake of some recent and not so recent, but recent enough string of events of both, at professional and personal capacity where I was in the middle of unpleasant conflicts.  To be more specific, I would name myself the catalyst of the conflicts and disagreements.

Now isn't that a pretty way of saying that I have discovered what an asshole I have been.

(side effect of having started watching The Crown on Netflix, you get all proper with your English)

 But ya seriously, I have spent some time thinking and asking myself how and why did I end up here - a certified asshole.

The usual suspects came to mind - my ego and my insecurities getting out of balance.   Being able to pin point the source, the root of what cause my behaviour to get out of hand, is a good start - but just that alone won't solve the problem.

I look around at other areas of my life, and lifestyle where I feel much out of balance and not where I like it be - my incessant restlessness and the desire to control things, and people.  Much as I know I have improved ever so slightly in past years, it is still far from healthy.  I want to do better.

We are at most times, the cause of what happens to us.  Our beliefs turn into behaviour and our behaviour manifest into our reality.

I have problem letting things be, my mind is an overheated oven all the time.  When I fall sick I have a lot of difficulties resting and healing.

Someone whose sense I trust, told me yesterday - that she can see that I have a front, this thing that I do to control my own emotions.  Means my interaction with the outside world, is a controlled front that I have subconsciously created for myself and for others.

Basically this means, I have received signs and warnings from a series of incidents that are calling for me to pay attention, pay a lot more attention to my mind.

Honestly it feels a bit scary because I am already a walking overheated overthinking machine, now I have to THINK MORE?

No, I now have to LEARN how to THINK the right things, for better mental health.

I want to get to the inside of my mental, and find the root of my deep issues - the real source of my deep set restlessness, my obsession with being in control of everything, my disability to let things be, let it flow.

So, laying the headline of the problem is a start.  I don't quite know what I will do next.  I have some ideas and I am nervous.  I want to learn mediation, I want to make time for a silent retreat this year - I hope soon.

Thank you for listening and watching.  If you have thoughts about whatever I just share - anything at all.  You can write to me, comment, private message.

I wish you peace and joy.