Year 2020: Grief, Duty & Growth

Year 2020 is a year of grief, duty, and growth for me.  At the end of it, if I have the luxury to do absolutely what I want - I’d like to go somewhere for a month, being alone, to do nothing but read, cry my heart out, and read, repeat the cycle (and some water and food whenever I need). 

Grief.  Who isn’t grieving these days, I feel cheap just talking about it.  What’s new honey.  Everyone is going through it, all of us with different bags of grief, in all shapes and sizes.  Nonetheless, and therefore, I need to honor it - if I am to talk about what the year has been for me.  It has robbed me of inner peace, and joy; but it makes living so real, grounded, and precious.  Grief and depressiveness - they make you treasure your life more (at least that’s how it is for me) - every time I emerge from the low points of downs, I acknowledge all the blessings in my life.

Some of the subjects of my grief are not suitable for public consumption, some are. 

Can’t say if it’s because the figure of Justin is too large to be wrestled out of my focus or it’s just been the lack of focus in my life this year; or could it be that it’s the 10th year since he passed.  I don’t know. 

I think of him a lot this year.  The common sense method would point to the facts:  1) It’s COVID year, I’m left with no work so I have too much time to wallow in the memories of him 

2) It’s been a decade since he passed 

Whatever it is, this has been a hard year, living with myself, missing him.

Moving on.

Duty.  The duty of being a living, an able living daughter of my aging parents.  And as my own aging 43-year-human.  Learning the duty of being an adult offspring to my dementia mother and my frustrated father.  

Apart from performing the basics in duties as caretakers, alongside my siblings and friends, I’ve learned how to find the joy in making friends with my folks, and foster a healthier relationship with my duty, and with these two almost-strangers in my household.  I’ve discovered a sense of peace and joy in taking care of things (parents and their needs) that I’ve never experienced before.  It is a sense of service.  The reward I get for being of service to others, in this case, my very own family.

I give thanks to circumstances of year 2020, for granting this brand new experience and emotion to my human existence. 

Growth. Growth = maturity.  My default and most inner self is a clueless 8-year-old, who pretends to be a grownup everyday.  This year, with all the time away from being a show woman (although I did get to perform several times this year) and show producer, I was forced to face all the outstanding and imminent workplace issues that I have swept under the carpet of ‘we are too busy to deal with it’. 

Growth comes from doing the difficult, and the uncomfortable.  I literally had to grow up overnight, when faced with existing problems being spun out of control at the start of the year.  Through MCO and all the months followed, I had to learn how to pick up the pieces, and understand what taking control of my own life means.  Even up to this every point, I’m still learning.  But the past 11 months and more, I’ve had more practical (and impromptu) tests than ever.  

Having maturity means dealing with a problem face on, and talking about it calmly, objectively.  None of these I knew how to do before.  I’ve been blessed with an enormous community of angels (wise friends, real friends) who held my hand through my wading in the deep water.

This entry is just the main thrust of what the year has been.  Give myself a bit more time, I want to write about the things I am thankful for and a list of valuable life lessons  I’ve learned.  

More to come.  I write, therefore I am. 

Have a peaceful new year. I wish you lots of zen and joy.