Letters number one hundred and thirty-five: Ten years ago today

Dearest J, 

Before the day is out, to make a note, to make a scribble of something on the timeline, of another moment in time.

It has not been an easy day.  A day shrouded in pain in more ways than one.  

The pinched nerve on my upper back, persistent and stubborn.  The hangover migraine from last night's drinking on empty-stomach after my show with Cher Siang at The Curiosity.  Yet another episode of lip-swelling, felt like the worst of all cases so far.

And the pain of missing you.

It's starting to blur - the shape and touch of missing you - of what is it that I am missing.  

I gave myself a few moments of good crying today.  It's been a while since I just sit here and concentrate on missing you. 

The body is stinging from a fatigue of stress, overthinking, overdoing, inflammation, and all forms of personal hell.   Typing these out is a horrendous sight to my eyes but I want to document this.  This too shall pass. 

I guess the hollowing fact that this is ten-year mark of your departure is weighing down on me.  Painful as it is, I need to allow the emotion to pass through me.  The weight of sadness eats into my flesh, and the throbbing of my pinched nerve is a literal message of the pain.

Believe me, telling you all these is far from fun.  Like I said, I want to document this moment in my personal history.  

Could not bring myself to see anyone from your family today.  I stayed away.  Your mom told me there was going to be a picnic at the columbrian.  

I peeled myself from the bed at 920am to a breakfast at Wild Yeast Bakery, to meet with those who wanted to be with me this morning.  Went to bed past 3am, I was drunk beyond my realisation.  When I cannot recall how I got into bed then, I knew how bad it was last night.

I should continue another time.  I need to physically remove myself from this screen and attempt some form of rest - although resting can sometimes be a challenge, but try I must.

Today came and, going off.  I am tired, but keep living I will.

Just let me wallow a little today.  I promise I will get up and get going tomorrow....or when I am done resting just a little.

Yours, 

B