Detach emotion from your duty, can you do that?

 "Okay, you are an empath, good and bad."

I broke it down for Shaz to understand why I was feeling so so lousy.  Chatting over WhatsApp.

I realised I am such an angry person.  Afraid I will now start to analyse all my action and behaviour through the lens of questioning.  "Am I doing this to disguise my deeply angry and unhappy self?"  "Am I truly at ease?  Am I really having a blissful moment or am I sweeping something dark under the carpet?" 

Conversation: 

me: i just realised i'm such an angry person - watching them living out their old age , bicker..bitter and stuck with each other - and stuck in this life.  makes me feel angry, and guilty

Shaz: 

"Sounds harsh, but you need to detach."

me: i was detaching all this while...OR SO I THOUGHT I WAS. 

Shaz: "Detach your duty from emotion." 

me: I always just provide food, chit-chats.  I don't ask them much.  then I go about my own things. I didnt realise it disturbs me so much until tonight.   Shocking.  I pun tak tau, I was so pissed off... I dunno, is it healthy for me in the long term - to detach emotions from my duty?

Shaz: The pissed part - I don't understand.  Disappointed, I could bridge that emotion.

me: the pissed off part, is at myself.  

Shaz: why?

me: for feeling annoyed and pity.  I break it down, I think it's like this - i think they are stuck with each other - and i feel they are suffering and i feel guilty that i dont bother to do much to improve, or help.  and then i react to incidents, and I try to detach...

try to detach, then feel guilty that I am detaching, and then feel angry that I want to detach in the first place.  Semua tu.  hey, i am glad that i am talking to you to analyse this - coz i am feel very lousy, was feeling very lousy - just now

Shaz: "Okay, you are an empath, good and bad."

me: i know there so many people worse off, and situations much worse than this.  But ya, this is me. 

Shaz: 

"

Okay

(You) <---->(your mum)

(You) <---->(your dad)

Say in a world that you are only responsible of the arrow in between.

Reacting responsibly within that framework the best that you can .

Can you live with yourself with that?

"

me: ..I don't understand this, my head hurts...

Shaz: "The arrow is your interactions, i.e. the words that you use, action , behaviour, help etc. Independent of outcome, you act with your best estimate of positive outcome. Can you live with yourself with that?

me: that's basically detachment, right?  but in more words...

This is my next big big lesson to take on - this season.  Glad I am making a record of this feeling, it sucks bad.  But I will give myself a break now.  

Good night diary.