Runs on food and music, will sing for chips and pasta.

Wednesday, October 14, 2020

Letter number one hundred and thirty-six: a day in my parents' life in KL

Dearest J, 

I'm in much better shape today - mind and body.  Alive, and have things to live for.  It's not perfect but I'm relatively happy today.  

...so glad the dark clouds have blown over for now.

As usual, I sat by the dining table after I finish eating, and let mom have her airtime, to just talk.  I didn't see them at lunch, I cooked some dishes for dinner and asked them to come up to eat together.

Mom told me her morning routine.  Things she does every morning.  It sounds lovely, I think routines are wonderful.  The first thing she does after getting out of bed - washing her hands.  Then she cleans her dentures, puts them on.  Washes her face next.  She takes the milk out of the fridge, reheats it over the stove, sometimes she takes hot water and makes her oats, with the milk inside, sometimes not with the oats.  The milk is a new thing for her in the past month.  Using the gas stove is something I'm proud of for her - she was petrified to use it at first.  Things come to her in her own time, when she is not being pushed.  I'm glad. 

Then she will spread butter over a slice or two of bread, she would spread peanut butter for dad too.  But on some days he'd skips the bread.  He always have two soft eggs for breakfast, and a mug of rolled oats.  She spreads the butter over bread, and cuts them delicately into six pieces...or is it four pieces, per slice.  She takes all of that to the dining table, she says a prayer before she starts her breakfast.  She said dad too say his prayer before he eats.  Giving thanks to the food they're having.  Such a moving thing to know right?  

After breakfast she hopes to go toilet.  She told me she even have a silent monologue, or a quiet pep talk - to her stomach..or to the toilet.  She said she would talk to her stomach, "You've had bread, milk and oats - that's a lot to eat, so now it's time for you to behave and let me poop.  Let's make it smooth."

She said dad too prays for his smooth bowel movement.  These are both amusing and poignant to hear. 

After that she would move around the apartment, exercising.  She has her version of a cycling movement exercise - seated on a chair and make cycling movement with her legs.

"After that what do you do?" 

"I would sit around, wait for updates about lunch - wait for your text message to inform us about lunch plans."

I asked her what does she do after lunch.  She naps.  

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No doubt, self-inflicted guilt is a real issue for me - I feel I'm on a treadmill of a workout.  The workout is taking care of parents.  How much have I clocked in and all that.  Like many other things - I am aware most of my problems are self-inflicted.  

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With parents, my emotions are a pendulum.  I go from feeling annoyed, to being grateful for having them near and I can have a part in being useful to them, to feeling stressed about their problems, to sheer bliss of just enjoying their company - the kind that is much different from being with my friends where I absorb knowledge and exchange ideas and inspirations.  With parents, I just be.  I might not share much with them, but I just be.

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I hope I write more to you.  Making this a more regular routine, and an outlet of therapy for me.

Talk soon.


Love, 



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Sunday, January 26, 2020

Accepting the terms, what ageing is

Funny how life is like a mystery and detective novel, where one gets the explanation and answers to an earlier unsolved mystery many pages, chapters down the book.

I was quite miffed about my mom's non reaction after having sat on the front row of my Cinnabar Rouge concert, on opening night and on the same week of our birthdays, April of 2017.  I was waiting for days and weeks for some comments from her about my sparkling and dazzling career milestone.  Nothing.  Much later, I heard from sister that she uttered something close to the effect of "Your sister is such a brave thing, to be able to sing and dance in front of so many people."

Three years later, it took yet another...post festive season sibling row (me and brother) self-reflection for me to come to light...

Of course there was hardly any visible reaction from my mother towards my display of talent in the concert.  She would have been overwhelmed and too distracted by her increasingly crowded mind.  Alzheimer was coming onto her.  I was oblivious to it all then.  She wore dark shades on the front row, having just been out of a single eye cataract operation - she would have been super disoriented and in discomfort.

With so much noise in her head, what dazzling commentary could I have possibly asked of her?  Only if I knew better then.  I was self-absorbed and clueless.

It's all clearer now.

I am still coming to terms with this now not-new thing about mom.  I think I am doing well.

Dad is still mostly quite the alert and active one, and he too is learning lots in coping with all the changes.  Bless his soul.

FB post earlier today:

My earliest memories of my parents’ relationship is that they argued a great deal. So much so that it was the norm in the household for me - listening to the bickering. But there was always food on the table, money for school bus and allowance for me. As I grew up and observed more families of others, many I’ve envied and many more I’m glad weren’t mine; I learn that in life our job is to make the best with what we have. My parents belong to the generation that fix things instead of throwing away things (my dad just had his cheap 7-year-old electric floor fan repaired); and they endure things. They’ve stay put in their marriage that has clearly changed in so many ways since they fell for each other all those decades ago. I can’t say if I have more respect for their tenacity or more sympathy, perhaps a bit of both. 
Comparing myself to them, I see a person who’s so ingrained in her own orbit of beliefs and system, I cannot see myself making room for another soul in this planet of mine. 
Now in their seventies and still bickering, however, I see how things have shifted a little. Mom’s on set dementia is progressing steadily. She’s ever more reliant on dad being her driver, person bringing home packed food (knowing that they are eating outside food every meal really pains me), etc. Just watching them at home for over a few days, I get updated a great deal on how things will unfold soon - or so I think. It takes great effort for me to stay emotionless seeing the change in my mom’s condition. 
I’ve never been a family person and I don’t plan to pretend to be one soon. However, I do feel deeply about the call of service as a daughter to offer kindness, understanding and support to my folks in this golden age. Still a long way for me to learn, I just hope I don’t learn too late.

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Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Letters number one hundred and thirty-one: The days go on

Dearest J,

It's been too long.  Since my last letter here.  More than a year.

I took my parents on a beach holiday last week, with the great help of my sister in hand.  I don't know if I have ever told you, but I grew up at home never knowing what a family holiday was like - we never had any.   It didn't seem like I missed anything - I mean, you don't miss something that you didn't know anything about, right.

It dawned on me that I'd better take mom to the beach while she is still reasonably fit enough to move about.  So I went through the trouble of planning it.  I'm not one who does many things for my family, but I knew I had to do this.

Well, it was worth all the trouble.  In fact, halfway through booking all the logistics for the trip I even manage to start getting excited about the trip for myself.  Mom was really really thrilled with the experiences - she said it many times over that her wish really came true: the beach dream.  Nervous and frightful as she was, she survived it: getting in and out of boats, putting on life jackets, the boat rides, learning how to walk on soft sandy beach (both dad and mom were unstable walking on soft sand, at first), walking to and fro from rooms to meals, getting in and out of buggy rides, etc.   She took it all in, the things she was wishing for: walks on the fine sand next to the sea, playing with sea water, dipping her ankles in the water, posing for photos, sunset sightings...etc.

We actually really hung out, as a family.  For once, we just sat around and chatted, and ate without rushing off anywhere for the next appointment.  4 days 3 nights.


Dad is 76 now, mom is 71.  She told me she was never given that beach holiday since married dad.  I mean, I know them well in the sense that they have not had the chance to 'learn' to 'enjoy life' as how I know.  There are too many things that are too late for them to pick up at their age, with their background.   As limited options I have to 'make them happy', I just had to try to service their wishes.  I am glad we took the trip to Redang.  I booked a really nice resort for us, everyone was happy with the space.  It was sister's first holiday away from her kids and hubby, my first with my family, mom's first beach holiday...dad's first too.  All of our firsts.

I try to cook for them at home as much as I could, showing mom new recipes of simple and delicious dishes like pasta options.  My impatience with them remains, I still can't wait to get back to my own routines of life, and having the pad to myself.  I've learned to control it better, my mind seems to get into this "service-mode".  I want to do the best I can (given my limited patience) to provide my care and services as a daughter to mom and dad.  I cannot yet see how our future will pan out, their wealth conditions and the way they live out in Taiping stress me a bit but I am determined not to let that ruin my days.

I'm 40 now.  I don't know how to describe this but it seems, I feel that I've never really grown up - inside me everyday I have many moments of surrealism....the memories of that really young, insecure, feels ugly, un-clever girl - she lives in me still, everyday I see her - even as I am doing big, clever things like taking care of business, making things happen.  I am 40 but I feel like a 8-year-old who has grown used to getting round to do things she's never thought she would one day could.

Can't put my finger on this feeling - what you call this...

I've recently - just a couple of days ago - got re-aquainted with my old diary, the 1996 one.  I was 19, left Taiping to live in the city with sister for the first time.  The city, the new home, new life - it was also my sister's big new life that year: marriage, first born, a new house, a husband...she was only 24.

There were so many entries that shocked me, for I couldn't remember the things that happened.  I stayed shocked and feeling messed up for two days.  My thoughts when I first read the diary: maybe I am really messed up as a person, and maybe I don't know how I got here but maybe the past had something to do with it.

I feel much better now though.  So many things happened this year.  I managed to cough up my second album, Cinnabar Rouge; managed to produce and stage another concert...it was bigger and grander - I went through hell with all the work (stress, as the leading lady and as the producer).  It was a challenge to find a moment to feel proud with the work/achievements of this team - of Janet Lee.

Really, I cannot complain.  I wanted to do all that: another concert, to dance, to entertain and to work with the people, the music - to give a good show.  I guess I just wanted a shoulder to lean on.  I cannot even imagine how it would be like if you were still around.

Post concert - post album launch depression came.  Things are different this time round, times are harder, ticket sale took a while.  I had 80% attendance.  Album sale is slow now, I work from day to day to figure out what is next step to sell the next album.  I paid off everyone, having savings helped. The low-down isn't in the fact that I dig out savings to pay for things - it is in feeling inadequate to market this piece of work better, the fact that I am not getting as much attention from people as before - it is just my feeling.

I understand, as my work matures and the higher I climb - the higher the expectations and the bigger base I need.  Yet I haven't a bigger base - fan base hasn't grown big enough, I still work alone...

And I am just tired, and lonely.

Strangely though, after I was done making a check list of all the downs and feeling bad about feeling bad - I have a surreal sense of excitement.  I wonder where all these emotions are taking me next.

While I am sorting things out - or waiting it out - or just floating along - I am hooked on Alain de Botton's work.  I got addicted to watching his The School of Life videos and his talks on YouTube every night/day.  His teachings on pessimism calms me.

And back to basic - I am allowing music work to excite me and to ground me once again.  Forget the shits of life for a moment, I shall face the music and let myself get whirled into its magic once again.

I am inherently grateful to be alive.  I think of your kindness.

The pad is quiet again, it's back to just me here.  I love it here.


Love you much,

B









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Saturday, August 25, 2012

books just happened

Anyone who loves reading knows that the fastest train in the world is your mind, the speediest way to travel is by reading.



Whatever my childhood may be pale in comparison with the more affluent families, my parents made it up by letting their children read whenever they want, wherever they want.  Even during Chinese new year where some older folks frown at the sight of books because `shu' 书  also sounds like 输, losing...not something old fashioned Chinese want to be associated with during Chinese new year.

Hence even though my parents' house was shabby and my siblings and I never grew up with a VCR player...or fancy electronic games and overseas holidays (I don't remember any holidays other than our CNY visits to Ipoh), we always had books in the house.  Though it was never a big thing, as far as I can remember, books just happened in my childhood.



It wasn't like a vegetable force-feeding thing for some kids, or kids having been dragged to ballet class...or piano lessons (though now I kinda wish that it did).  Reading for pleasure just happened at home.  I was not a high scorer at school subjects, I was horrible at sports, I didn't join the school choir, my mathematics were borderline case.  Vivid memories of joy during my primary school days were that twice a week during recess time, I raced other kids to the small school library to choose two books to borrow.  I have clear vision of me and other kids, standing on old wooden chairs in front of the ceiling height (or maybe it was just so much taller than us that it felt like it was ceiling height?) book shelves to access to books on the higher shelves.  I was reading a series of all the the translated classics like Little Women, Great Expectations...etc, in the Mandarin edition.

Yes, I only read books in Mandarin back in school.  My primary and secondary school days were spent in national Chinese schools, till form 4 when I transferred to a Malay school near ISA Kamunting. The world of written English only came to me in high school where it started rather slowly and not without a bit of teething pain.

Other memories involving books and reading include those late outing with my father to town in Taiping.  My father would take me with him to run his errands and work in town, he was the accounts person in a small cinema then and would go to the cinema office in the evening.  Within walking distance from this dodgy little cinema (they screened dodgy films too, I remember watching some of them!) there was a Chinese bookshop called Nan-Hwa Shu Ju (南书局run by this tall and skinny lady whose name I have forgotten but not her face, she was a friendly figure, short curly permed hair with big mouth of big teeth jutting out of her constantly talking or smiling face.  Am sure if I asked my father now he would still remember her and her name.

She would let me loiter in the shop for hours while my father muck his accounts in  the office down the road.  The shop wasn't air-conditioned and only had an old fan but to be able to read pages from different books before I finally put them back if I couldn't buy one was good enough for me.   Sometimes it gets so late that I would walk to my father when the bookshop closes and on the way there, there was another opportunity to read.  Right in front of the entrance to the cinema and its office, there was a kiosk selling Chinese comics, novels and magazines.  I have no memory of the dude who runs it now but I remember standing there with my sore legs squeezing in as many pages as possible before I had to put a book back and go home.  I have bought many copies of comics from that store too..mostly girly stories.

Then my sister left school and got a job in the city!  Shortly after her stint in a music school and a few interviews with Malaysian airline she started her training as a stewardess.  She would write me letters from the city in Malay (she doesn't write Chinese) at first, because my English was very limited.  Slowly she would mix the letters with simple English and ask me to check my dictionary if I couldn't understand the letters.  She encouraged me to pick up my English writing and speaking, "so that when you are bigger next time I could take you flying with me to visit other countries, but first you will need to speak good English."

To me that would always remain as the...for lack of better word, the starter or initiator for my chapter in discovering the world of books in English.  The desire to want to see the world and be more sophisticated - I had to be good in English, back then in the late 80s and early 90s.  I didn't need much pushing, soon after that I was tuning into Radio 4 and listening to the late night broadcast of `song dedication' hosted by Janet Ambrose.  In the morning I listened to the crazy duo Yasmin Yusof and Patrick Teoh breakfast show.  I tried very hard to understand the punch lines and conversations in sitcoms like Growing Pains, Family Man, The Simpsons, Saved By The Bell...Doogie Howser, etc.

For reading I had to start with Enid Blyton...constantly being confused with very old fashioned words such as `crossed'.  I was already in high school then and the library in the high school was way bigger and it even had an air-conditioned section.  I would have a after school lunch (peanut butter sandwich my mom made for me) and stayed in school till 3 or 4pm before my father come around to pick me up.  Those wonderful lazy afternoons were spent dreaming and reading in the library, looking at books that I couldn't borrow and choosing between ten books that I want to borrow.

I was reading elementary books in English while I devoured advanced Chinese literatures like 巴 金's , and others (like my favourite 三 毛) to satisfy my otherwise rather mundane life.  Soon I moved to what I remember as the simplified versions of classics like Picture of Dorian Gray among other titles (I wish I kept a record of what I read then).  When school holidays came when I was in form 2 or 3, I graduated to reading old copies of Reader's Digest, given to my family by friends. The days spent at home during school holidays were long and hot (no air-conditioning in my parents' house, not even now) but I was very much pacified by lying on the cool cement floor in my room, glued to the pages of various Reader's Digest.  I was lucky like that that my mom let me get lost for hours everyday in my room, I never have to help her with cooking and much chores, also explained my very very limited cooking repertoire now.

Then I started going to the town library near the Lake Gardens, first on my bicycle and later on on my motorbike when I passed my license.  The library was a symbol of worldliness to me back then..especially when I walked over to the magazine area in the library where adults lounge and read magazines like Newsweek, Times and Economics.   My understanding of the English language was still limited.  I remember sitting in the huge sofas next to the library main door trying to decipher the articles in those magazines.

Oh, and the entire building was air-conditioned so there's never any need to go anywhere to stay cool, except when it closes and everyone gotta get out.

I was introduced to Sue Townsend's books in this library.  'Rebuilding Coventry'...I was immediately attracted by the novel's opening line, (somewhere along the line of, since I don't have a copy with me now)

"The two things that you need to know about me immediately are that I am very attractive and I have murdered my neighbor yesterday."

The town library was the last place with books that I hang out at most in Taiping, before I left for the city.  And then reading became a different creature once I started making my own allowance for books, with my own money.

Reading morphed into owning and collecting books besides just reading them.  I started to buy and collect at a rate way way faster than I could read them.  With the distraction of a gazillion things and chores in an adult's life, reading without a care in the world is a conscious effort and a luxury.  There were months where I wasn't really any book in particular, it's too easy now, I have books by the shelves full in my flat and more within my reach - they have been taken for granted.

The influences I got for my grown-up reading were from my city friends.  Meanwhile, my sister became a part time contributor for various magazines and dailies, and then she started to publish her own books.

SeeMing and Justin were possibly my biggest influence in what I read when I was fresh out of college in late 90s.  Both fast readers, like how SeeMing could finish one book in one sitting.  They were trading books between themselves and would pass me some to read.  I was at the hand-out corner, hungrily awaiting ideas and ideals.  Through Justin I learned to love reading science books written for layman.  It took me a long time to finish Carl Sagan's "The Demon-Haunted World" but the ride was worth it, I would never see the world the same again! And what a liberating feeling it was to understand and to know why people always have ghostly encounters at night!

I would made many many more friends later in great many different circles but finding your mates in reading in a city like KL is a little harder than find the perfect tenant or landlord.  These days I trade reading list with my colleagues in music, we talk about writing we benefit from and we exchange.  My jazzer friend Cher Siang has been instrumental in bringing me back to my Chinese roots in reading.  And thanks to Lynn, the next book to get curled up in maniac depression is going to be "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?"

The list of great books that change my life goes on and on, and so many more to change me further lies all around me.  I have been living a charmed life and am gifted with many things.  The ability to find immense joy in reading is certainly somewhere very close to the best gifts I have in this life.

And of course, years after those letters from my sister and her promise to take me traveling.  I finally confronted my sister when I speak a lot more English since I started in standard 6, "So when are you taking me flying to those English speaking countries?"

She smiled, "Silly, now that you speak English fine, you can go out and visit the world yourself!"


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