Letter ninety Day one-hundred-and-sixty-five of your vacation

Dearest J,

I came home today from Batu Gajah, Clear Water Sanctuary.  It was a beautiful place, all green and water, you would have loved it there, great for your jogging.

Have been at my desk clearing work since I got home from a nice catch-up session with Helene, along with Seeming.

An email just came in to inform me, along with other sponsors of The Wedding Wishes, that Michelle Lee, the bride of the winning couple, passed on today at 645pm.  Michelle & Oliver won the The Wedding Wishes early this year.  She was a leukemia patient.  Can't say I got to know to her better, we shared a dressing room the night I sang at the reception and she came across as determined and independent.  A grieve sensation came over me as I read the email twice over...imagining what Oliver is going through now.

While at the resort the last two days, Nell and I watched over and over again the movie of Anna And The King in our chalet.  Large part of the movie was filmed right next to the resort and the pitiful ruins now stand as tourist attraction, still.  The resort runs the movie in its in house movie channel round the clock.  One of Anna's line in the movie sticks in my head, "Life is precious."

The gig at the resort was a good one.  The demo CDs were put to good use and hopefully they bring in good things.  I sang Carmen as an encore piece and it went down well with the folks.

pic by Nell

After the dinner, after everyone has gone back to their chalets.  Nell and I went next door to hang out with the florist folks.  A question came to me innocently enough, "Is that your boyfriend I see on your Facebook page?"

That's the second person in one week with the same question.  I haven't taken the photo of us off my profile since October.  I don't really know what I want to achieve by having that photo on my profile all this time.  Well, I think clearly I am holding on to you...whatever's left behind, photos, memories, etc.

Holding on.  Yea.  So on my profile people have been looking at us.  Maybe I meant to show that you are me, and I am you - we are one and that's the way it is.

I was clearly upset by the incident.  When Kiki asked me at the alteration shop while measuring me, I swallowed quick and I changed the subject quickly and diverted her attention to something else.  When May asked me about the photos of us on FB, I changed the subject quickly, under Nell's watchful and concerned eyes.

Last week when Laksmi saw the framed photo of you and I on my desk, she asked if that's my boyfriend...and where were you.  I had to tell her.  When Kiki and May asked me about my boyfriend, with so many people around, I just want to escape.  And now I dread the next time this same thing happen.  I thought to myself today if I change the photo of my Facebook profile then this won't happen.  It saddened me immediately, intensely at the thought of changing the photo, the pinch of pain was so intense and powerful, tears flooded.  I realised I have not been letting go all this time.  I stubbornly hold on to having that photo there...clinging on to you.  Now I know it hurts to have to avert questions, and not knowing what to say to people who don't know.

"Am single now.  He was my boyfriend.  He is no more."

This is another step to take, very very painful.  Owning up to my own demons that I didn't know were there lurking....Am going to change that picture, and then it's just me there.  This is closing the door behind me and crawling ahead.  I don't know if I can.  Life is precious so I shall try.

This songbird misses its owner.

Lots of love,

B