Letter ninety - Day one-hundred-and-seventy-two of your vacation

Dearest J,

Zal and Fang said this picture remind them of you, whenever food is being ordered.  Makes me cry and smile all the same time.

I went over to your house after my gig at Eastin, I finished early, nice.  Even managed to sit down for a few cups of tea with Kian Yew before I went to yours.  I woke Mama up from her sleep to hang out with me for a short while.  She went to sleep early, it was just over 930pm.

Stupid Streamyx is down.  Down down down all the way, since yesterday.  Spent 30 mins on the phone with its call centre this morning, sure murdered many cells.  I haven't quite overcome my phobia in talking to TM call centre folks.  From the first second the conversation starts (if it gets started at all, sometimes the call just doesn't get picked up) my blood temperature steadily raises...it's something that I have yet to gain control over, my emotional reaction towards TM call centre staff.

A Simon called me during my hair appointment today to inform me of a few crucial facts about my complaint.  He had the best intention to serve me and he was very initiative, I gave him a hard time all the way till just before I put down the phone, I said thank you very much to him and I appreciated his call.

I really hate the fact that I have no tech support now.  The Astro has been suspended, I have prepared the letter of application to transfer account ownership but I haven't been down to send in the forms and letter.

This is a record month, you'd be proud of me.  I don't think I ever had a month with 9 singing engagements.  This is the month.  I feel very good too, I can actually watch myself grow and improve as an `entertainer' and singer.  I had one of those incredible amazingly smooth shows tonight, my party guests listened to me and responded to me, I was suave tonight, I can't believe it but I was, tonight.

Tomorrow am going to KL Sports Medical Centre for my second session of physiotherapy.  I hope to do all I can to speed up the recovery.  An ankle out of shape it's incredibly troublesome and limiting.  I can't do any sort of work out...unless I just move my upper body?

Cher Siang just moved into the neighbourhood.  Rehearsals with him now is so convenient, a 5-min drive.  Am happy to tell you that he has invited me to meet him more to have him help me with music.  I just read his blog and looking back at mine, am really ashamed to compare (I shouldn't).

I `meet' the world out there through his blog entries, I see the world view by reading his thoughts and experiences.

Here what I report is how I feel, what I do, what I want, what happened to me...etc. The theme is me, me, me.  Why is this so?  I thought about it and I think there are a few reasons:

Because I hardly travel
Because I don't read the news
Because I don't read enough
Because I meet the same people all the time
Because I do the same things all the time
Because my routines are similar....I maybe doing different things everyday and different from week to week but they are essentially the same thing: quote clients, invoice them, set up new song lists, set up rehearsals, hang out with close friends, pick a dress for a show, send dresses for alteration, go to A Cut Above, pick up dry cleaning, fussing and getting anal over how clean my floor is, go to theatre and watch a play, meet clients, research and learn new songs...go to Singapore to watch a play...

Maybe, I don't know for sure what would help, I wish you were here to guide me out of this rut...maybe I should do things like:

Make a picnic for myself at KLCC park
Go to Chowkit night market at night
Spend a weekend off work in Shanghai
Visit parents in Taiping
Spend two days just hibernate and read some books and cook
Go swimming
Drive to Melaka and eat the roadside popiah that we shared
Go to singing class
Go to visit a Dangdut club
Visit PAWS?
Make a trip to Bangkok, alone...or Chiang Mai?

I still don't think am thinking outside of my box yet.  Maybe I will talk to Seeming.  She said she read recently that to stay creative, one needs to do something one has never done, on a weekly basis.

I miss you a lot.  Zal reminded me that I was damn loved (by you), and I had a good 8 years.  I will have to spread this thin - this wealth of our 8 years, to spread it thin and use the memories of 8 years sparingly, to last me for all the months and years ahead of me.

Life is precious.  Death is too common, and cheap.  It has always been the case, people dropping like flies.  Last week while waiting to see the orthopedic I picked up the papers and opened to one page, staring at me were two obituaries - one of someone I used to chat with online, a hi-bye friend who fascinated me with his wisdom, and the other one belonged to friend of a friend.

These days you get the news first via Facebook.  Who dies and who has jumped off a building, or dying of something.  If people here start to hire singers for funerals, I'd have a busier time.

I think I would love to sing at funerals.  I see lots of happiness (and stress) at wedding gigs, I share people's moment of joy and bliss - and I would like to be part of someone's grievance too.  With your departure I have experienced something deep and intense and therefore, I would like, if I can, to continue to experience this deep emotion with others.

If I sing at funerals, would I want my singing to cause more crying?  Or would I want people to forget their misery for a short time and trench themselves in music?  I don't think singing torch songs is appropriate...well, this would be a good research topic for me - good choice of songs and music for funerals.

It's so late now.  I shall end here and treat my precious life to a good shower and maybe a snack before I hit the sack.

I hope you would shed some wisdom, I know I will find some through the memory of you, soon.

Much love,

B