Food over sex

So I sat down in front of my living room window and stared at the 1230am traffic on Jalan Ipoh, 21 floors below...with a freshly toasted bran bread spread with my most delicious latest find in the supermarket - homemade honey and almond butter spread.

As I took my last few bites while purring with utmost satisfaction...a small voice inside my head uttered, "Oh my gawd I think I prefer this than having a man making love to me."

.....

Gosh, is that me talking?" ....then I stopped in my track and tried to analyse my feeling and that voice.

"Is it really so?"

Well, for one - if you buy the right peanut butter and check its expiry date and have a toaster that works and a piece of fine bread - you can always guarantee your orga...foodgasm.

Yea, it's easier.  Satisfaction always guaranteed.  With sex with another person, so many other factors at play.  So, Many.

This topic is as old as...

FB post dated March 31st - "Talk yourself out of bad situations"

The lesson this morning is 'trust' and 'positive-thinking' - not something I instinctively subscribe to every minute of my day - you can say that it's not yet my second nature.  But after my experience this morning, I would definitely want to make it as part of my reflex :)

This is a bit of a long-winded roundabout way story but I trust that should you choose to read…you may enjoy the ride :)

I went to the wet market down the road that I have discovered recently (of course it's been there for years) - to shop for fresh goods.  The market is a lot smaller on Mondays, the number of vendors for fruits and vegetables were no more than two or three stalls each. I looked around under my hat and from behind my vintage shades, sense of self-doubt welling up: how could I make sure I would pick the freshest produces and how could I make sure these ladies at the stalls won't rip me off at prices?  I walked around looking and thinking, quite convinced that they would charge me more because I look clueless and new there.

Fortunately the will to have fresh vegetables and fruits to eat at home this week was strong enough that I didn't turn back and leave.  I bought three pieces of sweet potatoes, was charged RM 4…I thought it was expensive, but I paid up anyway. I stayed with this stall and bought more from this lady, 12 apples for RM 10, one kilo of passion fruits for RM 10 - I think these prices are fair.  At that point I have decided to trust this fruits stall lady and trust that she wasn't out to rip me off, so I bought bananas from her too - at RM 5 per kilo.

Next was vegetables.  The first item I picked up was a a packet of jagung, two fresh ones in one pack.  "How much?" The skinny elderly lady there told me it's RM 2.50.  I recall that this would cost more than RM 3 if you find them in the supermarkets - so I continued to snoop around and put more vegetables in my basket.  One bunch of Hong Kong choy-sum, RM 4. I also picked broccoli, french beans and two cuts of lotus roots.  The whole bill came up to RM 14 for all that - I was happy.  I think it's pretty good deal - RM 14 for 5 types of vegetables.

Happy with my purchase, I rewarded myself with breakfast at the corner restaurant down the road from the market.  I ordered a bowl of curry laksa noodles.  The huge bowl came, filled to the brim with cockles, curry chicken and fish balls, among the eggplant and long beans, all cramped in the thick curry soup.  I returned the bowl and explained that I don't want any of the cockles and chicken business; and that I was used to curry laksa noodles with only the noodles and vegetables and tofu.  They removed all the meats for me and served me.  The noodles looked deadly overcooked - I was convinced.  I was right, the meehoon and yellow noodles were soft and slimy.

I debated with myself on whether or not to just pay up and leave to eat at the other stall that I frequent more.  "The boss would think am such a brat to do this, with no regards for money." ...I decided to sit back and try to eat maybe only the vegetables in the oily curry soup and talked to myself, "There's no need to waste this bowl, what you could learn from this is not to order this again from this stall, or to go to other stalls if I want curry laksa.  This is just one meal out of so many future meals am going to have - there's no need to kick a big fuss over a breakfast."   The minute my mindset changed, my breakfast began to taste better - somehow the soft meehoon wasn't as slimy before and the vegetables were great.

I didn't finished the entire bowl but I finished most of it, not wanting to overstuff my stomach.  Awe consumed me the whole time - I was amazed at how quickly the quality of my experience change at the turn of my thinking.  Never before I was this convinced about positive thinking.

So there, I had a great time this morning because I learned to trust that people aren't out to con me and that things aren't as bad as they look :) If you actually read this far, I sincerely trust that your week ahead would be a rather fantastic one, if you could talk to yourself like I did this morning ;p

#living #janetwrites #trust #positivethinking #vegetarian #groceries #jalanipoh #currylaksa #wetmarkets #reflections

Letter one hundred and seventeen - The days go on

Dearest J,

Today is one of those rare Mondays when I have a window of time to clear the mini pile of books and CDs off my writing desk.  Put them back on the bookcase, I felt quite uneasy looking at the huge number of new books I have accumulated but have yet to read them.

Then I proceed to look inside the fridge and check for expired foods.  I have done it about two weeks ago and cleared out a crazy pile of foods that have been sitting there for great many months.  Your Kelloggs bars, they have been sitting in their boxes since before Oct 2010.  I took out the two boxes and checked for Best By dates...I think I read October 2010.  I remember you swore by Kellogg's then when you were losing weight back then, for your biking.  Lower body weight on the bike means you could go faster and be more efficient, you told me.

I can't quite comprehend the reason why I kept the bars in the fridge for this long, knowing I am not going to make use of them.  I place them now on the kitchen top, along with this tub of fermented black beans that you bought for me to eat with the special wheat Japanese noddles...which I never got around eating.  I felt terrible that I have let these good stuff gone to waste, and also your good intention.

But I won't just cry in vain over spilled milk.  I am taking steps now to eat better and take better care of things...and people.

I miss you lots.

Love,

B

Letter one hundred and fifteen - The days go on

Dearest J,

I just had one of those perfect mornings and a strong urge came to write about it, so I can remember it.

I had barely 5 hours of sleep after a late late night chat with my mates in the flat.  The thought of doing yoga at 10am today must have kept me on my toes in bed...I woke up by myself at 830am.  After checking the updated studio schedule I realize today's class would start at 930am, not 10am.  I made it into the class at 931am and had a fabulous 75-min class that ended with a 15-min meditation.

The reward for my joyous pain session was breakfast at Tommy's.  The counter and the shoppe front was packed with customers.  I walked into the back to help, because helping in a shop always make me feel incredibly practical and useful, it helps that Tommy is such a lovely person.  I helped write a few receipts and bills for him and waited for my sandwich.

The weather was so lovely and the fresh baguette with hot tea too.  Things couldn't be more perfect in that moment, while my biceps were still trembling with post-yoga tremors as I dig into the hot meal.

I know what it is, it's the feeling and the sensation of aliveness.  The pain in the body, slightly sticky with sweat and the rare cool morning breeze at Tommy with my freshly melted cheese.

Speaking of being alive.  I went on radio to speak about this writing routine between us.  Xandria wanted a chat on how blogging help with things around here.  I still can't quite decide how I felt about talking to public about how I continued the journey without you, I just knew I agreed to go on the show because I want to share my experience.

You see, I want people to know that no matter how `alone' I am now without you, I am really not lonely because I have learned how not to be lonely...but I suspect, some of this weren't too bad for me because just like you, I too get a kick out of solitary existence.  Anyway, I mostly emphasized on how it was really helpful to allow myself to be totally engulfed by my work in music, and to write to you.

Our experiences, those lived by you by yourself and me on my own can merge as one because we had all those wonderful times talking about them.  In a way that I cannot explain (yet), every time I go out to do something outdoorsy or physical, like running, dancing, cycling, walking under the sun, etc - I feel as though you were around somewhere near me, like inside of me.

I saw a couple on a Kawasaki Zephyr near your house two weeks ago.

And oh, what a joy it is that I have finally came out of my long kitchen/cooking draught!  I am trying to maintain a `cooking routine' at home.  My repertoire is terribly tiny but am happy to be feeding myself at home sometimes.  Here are the menus so far...

May and June went by fast and furious, I had a packed period of corporate bookings and club gigs and concerts and a fundraiser.  I always have so much fun at work that sometimes I stop in my track and examine this great ball of fun am having and feel a bit guilty, is it ok to have THIS much fun at work? And get paid for that?

This photo taken on my phone, at Sunbeam Homes fundraiser last month - Shelah and I shared a dressing room :)

other goofy photos off stage at other work/gigs...

At the end of my wonder on how much fun it's normal to have at work, I came to this conclusion - one is paid to have fun at work because of one's handwork in his previous training to achieve a level of competency or better still, a virtuosic performance.  So the fun only begin after you have invested countless hours of practice and training to play like a master...a professional - and then that's when you deserve to be paid a professional fee, to have a hell lot of fun.

An artist's growth and worth is maintained through constant challenges.  I am not entirely organized in my planning for a better career but I have certainly spent enough time and money recently for some new excitements:

I now remember where things are not so easy and not so much fun, not yet - my singing lessons.  My sessions with Cecilia so far is still a constant struggle, of understanding what am being taught and instructing my body to do what is needed to improve.  The progress is really slow.  I admit I only have myself to blame, my practice at home is too far and few in between classes to see any serious improvement.

I have also signed up and started attending a new class with a new teacher, Suhaili Michelin, in contemporary dance!  I feel a little like a cook being put in a ballet class full of trained ballerinas but I dig every second of the class.  I have gotten hooked on pain in more ways than one!  I secretly enjoy the burning pain on my thighs and my arms two days after a class, and I relish in every little new trick I learn in class to make my figure look leaner and longer in my reflection in the mirror.  Tightening of the butt is one of  them...

With so much going on, and visit Mama in other pockets of time - you can see the road is busy and long.  Other times I enjoy a few minutes of sitting on the floor with Thursday, just patting her and not thinking anything...she reminds me of you, how silent and still you could keep.  Just enjoying each other's company, doing nothing.

Much love,

B

Letter one hundred and eight - Day three hundred ninety-eight of your vacation

Dearest J,

Been raining a lot here.  I have been on a perpetual high since the song-writing project came back onto the horizon.  I have left it stagnant since last November.

Now it's a bit like my `sensory buds' are heightened, I look at everything with renewed interests, I have a notepad with me everywhere, sometimes I would record my stream of thoughts on my iphone, passages that I envision to be part of lyrics to perhaps another new song.

Also, am going out of a many-year drought of public gigs.  With the Sep 28th outing at No Black Tie still fresh in my mind, am planning two new ones - Nov 5th at The Scot's (a bar in Jaya One) and Dec 14th at No Black Tie again!

Wish I could see your reaction when I tell you this: this feeling of being truly, really alive, and creating something by myself is the first for me.  We have had many moments of real bliss before but I want to tell you that what am feeling now is something else - just the thought of working towards and finishing an original song is absolutely thrilling...beyond words.

I guess am left with a lot of time and space to explore this person I have inside...we used to define each other through our love and support in each other's work.  Now that we're not together anymore there is a need to further explore, and maybe am find new definition for myself.

While I dwell on my blissful high of being a `song-writer' or wannabe-songwriter - I wonder about my role as a daughter and as a friend to the rest.  The depth of a personality, I imagine, must be greatly reduced if the person is only concerned with the trivialities of being an artiste without wearing other hats.

....getting very sleepy.  Resisted going to watch Cher Siang and gang at No Black Tie tonight.  He made me a really nice set of dinner last night after our rehearsal for this Saturday gig.  Not that cooking well is an obscure skill or artform, just that I sat there at the dinner table looking down at our simple, and yet elaborate dinner - realising that he is truly such a mature being and my admiration for him grow.

That a person who take great pains in doing something well as an artiste, would also invest in doing other things well - simple things like cooking well, and reading plenty to enrich his mind.  As I ate slowly at his table I was greatly inspired to grow into a better adult...simply by taking better care of my basic welfare like  eating when I need to, and sleep when am tired.

And try to read more books.

And spend more time listening to recordings.

My Ipoh aunt passed away on Sunday morning, she was 91.  Sister and I drove up to Ipoh to be with her kids and my mom.  It was very nice to spend time listening and talking to sister.  We checked into a small but very nice neighborhood hotel for the night.

My Magic Flute conductor Brian Tan also passed on this week.  Peter and I will go to his last service this Thursday at his house before the cremation on the same day morning.  I would know the way to cremation very well, it's also at Nirvana Shah Alam.

Have finally put some use back to the gorgeous Harman Kardon soundsticks you bought for me.  They have been left out in the dust since I signed up for Unifi and the configuration to sync with my desktop was gone.  I cleaned up the gadget and moved the speaker set into the study and hook it to the iMac.  The effect is beautiful.

Will go to bed soon.  Slept early last night and had a good day today, because I could get up early and not feel out of sort.

:)

Love you!

B

Eating

If you don't know me well, and I tell you that food & eating is one of the my biggest hobbies, you might not believe me (I'm a bit skinny).  But am telling you, since I started living on my own, food and I have a very special relationship.

...this entry is inspired by a new book I bought for myself, for my own, private pleasure (I was shopping for some cook books for my sister and saw this one nearby the cook books and how can I say no to a book with a title like this one...)

Alone In The Kitchen With An Eggplant

Confessions of Cooking for One and Dining Alone

edited by Jenni Ferrari-Adler

Eating became a special thing to me only after I left home where my mom used to make most of my meals (I never ever cooked when I was still in school and back home), all of them vegetarian since I became one at the age of 14 (that's another story all together).

When I first arrived in the capital city after high school in home town, I lived with my sister and attended college.  My sister would cook for all of us and I helped with the washing.  Meals & eating were just a mundane thing for me, not because vegetarian food is not exciting, but because (I realised now) I was always being served all my food, I was never involved in the process of making food.

Not until I left my sister's house when I got out of college and got a job in Citibank.  I moved halfway across town from Subang to Pandan Indah where I rented a room in a flat from this very fair-skinned engineer named Looi.  Looi is a typical old-school Chinese guy in the kitchen, it means he doesn't do anything in the kitchen, except maybe boiling water to drink.  Though he had no problem if one of his flat tenants decided to cook.

I remember vividly my first trigger, first suggestion for cooking for myself.  It was...I can't remember the year but I remember where and who.  I just finished singing backing vocals (part-time job outside my day job) for a trip-hop act at some noisy disco, and was sipping some free drinks being served to me, and talking to the other back-up vocalist, Mei Ling, over very very loud house music.

Mei Ling is from north Malaysia and is a year older than me, and very very independent and smart.  She too live alone in KL and didn't own a car.  I don't know how we started talking about eating...but she was telling me how she cooks for herself everyday and how she shop for the food stuff and how little money she needed to cook for one.

I was in awed with her creativity, and her savvy in taking care of herself.  I lapped up all the simple recipes she gave me in my head and told myself, I gotta try them out.  Next thing I know, I was making simple pasta out of my flatmates' rice cooker.  Come to think of it, I cannot remember now what the first thing I cooked for myself but I have memories of putting the rice cooker on and leave the olive oil in there to heat up, then I stir in the pre-cooked pasta and added in sauce and stuff.

Suddenly I was a person with a new sets of skills and something new in her life, yes, a new interest.  Not that I was turning into a sophisticated cook overnight, even today I'm far far from being sophisticated in cooking...but having started cooking, or preparing food for myself, I acquired a new sense of appreciation for food and the act of eating.

I never bought any proper kitchen ware the three years I lived in Looi's flat.  I remember cooking a little extra so I could offer a plate of pasta to Looi, he would laughed at my, what he called, "fancy mee-rebus" and gobbled down hungrily.   

Cooking for others is always a bit stressful for me as cooking is truly, still a new and under-practised skill for me.  I have only ever made `safe' dishes for parties so far, potato salads, pasta salads, chunky mashed potatoes and ABC soups.  I guess that is a stressful thing for me because I started cooking for myself, a self-sufficient thing to do.  It started as a solitary activity with only myself to please, to make my cooking a communal food takes a lot more...so I stick to the safe, hard-to-mess-up recipes. 

Over the years since that chat with Mei Ling in the loud disco, I went through many phrases of cooking and non-cooking periods.  There were countless meals that I have skipped due to laziness, mostly also due to the fact I only shop to stock up my kitchen when I'm in the mood, same as when I cook -- I cook when am in the mood -- so no food at home to cook couple with no mood to cook result in many non-cooking and non-eating days.  

These non-eating days of course turned into very unhealthy conditions for my body and I blamed getting sick often for my lazy-to-eat lifestyle.  When I had a bad case of laryngitis and stuck at home with three cancelled shows, I learned my lesson well.  I went to the super markets and stock up my cabinets with canned soups, purees, beans and etc.  

So right now my goal is to make it a point to enjoy making myself a little sandwich even when am at the laziest and my bottom is glued to the computer screen all day.  I try to make sure I always have bread at home, butter, pesto, pasta...and cheese.  

But beyond all that, cooking for myself in my own space has always been a romantic, self-indulgent (however simple my recipes are), fulfilling experience...a satisfying solitary euphoric journey, gives me a sense of independence (in the kitchen found only in my mid-twenties), a sense of real living, being connected to what I put in my stomach.

Cooking for myself is therapeutic, meditative.  Alone in the kitchen with no phone calls, no chat rooms, no emails, just cubing potatoes, skinning garlic, slicing vegetables, watching the soup bubbles and tasting...is as good as a session at the spa, what more, at the end of this session, I get to to eat too!  

Yes, try this yourself.  Kick off your shoes, turn off the TV...get off the chat rooms and just busy yourself with making food in your kitchen.

...actually, maybe you ought to read the book too, a real taste teaser it is.

Kitchen goddess, NOT!

I did it again, dragging oil all over the flat in an attempt to whip up one clever Chinese meal real quick. Twice this month, this oily floor accident...it doesn't help I also don't have a proper stock of floor detergent. Good thing the clever fella KM told me to try Clorox. It worked the first time.

Am just done with the second round of mop-dance, with Clorox. Love the feeling of bare feet touching a dry, clean and non-oily floor.

Oh, why not share the recipe of the cause of these Clorox-rescue.

Determined to have a healthy diet, which include eating real food a few times a day instead of chucking potato chips, biscuits, chocolate and Maggi-mee in my mouth two hours after I starve - I have been diligently cooking at least once a day, my fave cook-at-home food for the moment - Chinese.

But I only know how to make a few dishes, like, three dishes.

Ok, two, because cooking white rice in rice cooker don't count right?

So that's fried eggs, and stir fry French beans.

Hang on, no, not true, I also make pretty good potato soup (ABC soup) & lotus roots soup (with black beans & peanuts) And what about omelette? I don't really make much omelette though.

So that's about all that I make, if I like something to eat with rice.

There were days when I made nothing but lots of pasta, sandwiches & salads, the `non-cooking' meals I call those. After I bought my rice cooker (my very own one after nine years of living on my own) I decided I would have lots of nice Chinese stuff.

Except I only make those few things, over and over again.

some variations of salads I was making back in the pre-rice-cooker days

this is a salad with too much raw onions, ouch....

this one here, day two, salad again...coz I need to finish the whole lettuce by myself, this one I added buttons and cheddar still finishing my greens, day three...back in the month of May. The story of cooking for one, you eat the same food for days. I love making toasts (I indulge in expensive grainy bread) over frying pans (I don't have a toaster) with lots of butter and melt my block cheddar on top...the quickest way to heaven :)

and then there was the rendition with boiled eggs

anyway...

I have quite an impressive collection of cook books, for someone who's been making at-home-meals with only fried eggs, french beans and Marmite soup (spoon full of Marmite, hot boiling water, with dash of fine pepper and a drop of oil and soy sauce to taste).

Just that I haven't been using them.

But I do really, really love a simple meal of white rice with eggs fried with ginger, or garlic, served with baked beans (I forgot to count this one in, can food - Baked beans), with Marmite soup when I haven't got time, or my fave ABC soup.

Speaking of the glorious simple food, I have a friend who knows well about the simple joy in life such as this...just reading her list makes me salivate.

Well well. Here's to us for remembering the simple food.

Purrr of satisfaction

The one thing you can do to pamper yourself, in your bachelor flat, is to whip up a simple dinner for yourself, and the simple meal that you simply cannot go wrong, taste damn good, that, is living a good life for me.

I bought my first rice cooker, ever, today. Local brand, Faber, RM 108. It has a switch button for you to choose cooking porridge or rice, damn cool.

To go with the rice, I made my first Chinese lotus roots soup, with lots of ground peanuts and black beans, and flavoured mushroom roots.

And I fried two eggs with lots of chopped garlic.

Results? Heaven.

It's been grand, I'm a god-ma, half done with the 1 Utama Merdeka Fun Fair coordinator job (look for exciting details of the fun fair!!!), I got some equally exciting shows coming up.

And I've got food in the fridge!!!

Have been really, seriously undisciplined with proper diet. The only decent food I had at home for the past two weeks have been milk & cereal...then towards the end of last week I resort to instant noddles again.

Now that I have a rice cooker, I feel like a superwoman in my kitchen. For a die-hard carbo-addict or rice-lover, the possibilities of rice-cooker meals are endless...

Egg-rice - pour in seasoned beaten raw eggs into freshly cooked rice in the cooker, close lid and let it cooks for a few minutes and have a hearty meal! Variations - add raisins, cheese, butter, garlic, onions....mushrooms, hmmmmm.

Butter rice

Cheese rice

Vegetable rice, perfect with the steam-plate that comes with the cooker...

Raisins & butter rice

Porridge...

Here's to a good life head for me, with lots of home cook meals.


*Anti climax update*
weep*

Was looking to download the pictures taken of me with my godson Max on the 18th to blog here....not found in any of my memory cards, except for whole load of silly party pictures.

Grave thought came upon me, I must have accidentally deleted all of them from the card!

Also lost are the pictures taken of my sister and Nell with Max, and Max's parents.

If they found out I deleted their pictures with Max they'd probably want to kill me....they won't be the only ones.

Am taking a deeep breathe...gotta move on, gotta move on, gotta have more pictures taken with Max.