Letter one hundred and two - Day two hundred and sixty-eight of your vacation

Dearest J,

I went to a concert tonight with Nell & Susheela.  It was a very good performance and I love all the songs I heard on stage, most of them Chinese songs and I really sat there and concentrate on the lyrics and the music.  But I thought of you many times.

I find whenever am having a good time, I think of you.  Recently many songs make me think of you.  It's as if that you have been re-incarnated as all the melodies and music of the world and this is how you'll stay with me, every time I hear a good song being played.

So as I sat there tonight in the darkened audience seat and getting all tingly because I love the songs I heard and you crept into my head...I decided that our romance has not ended.

Because I can feel `you' in many things, and me, the living one, me, I am alive and having all these experiences...and feel connected to you.

When I see a beautiful sunset, I feel a tinge of sadness that you're not here to watch with me, but I see you in the sky so I feel that we are at it together.

When I go to a good concert, I let myself drown in the sound and feel lucky that I get to be there where the music is - and that it was you who have placed me there at the first place - your passion was to see me happy and you did what you could to help be the singer that I want to be because when am singing, am most happy.

So this romance is not over because I do feel that all that I do, whatever that I do, you're there, in my mind.

Thursday got neutered yesterday.  I got her back today from the vet...she has to wear a collar because the vet says she licks her wound.  Poor cat had a difficult time adjusting to the world of...view from inside of a cone.  She has settled down now, a few more days before I get to let her off, cone-free.

Sorted my income tax this month.

Going to bed now.  Been sleeping late again a lot these two weeks...

Love you,

B

Letter one hundred and one - Day two hundred and sixty-one of your vacation

Dearest J,

Had a fab day today singing, and singing.  Was compiling all the conflict dates to submit to Dama for our next production.  Yes, it's long since coming - I have auditioned and received an offer to be in their coming production of songs in concert.  You would be happy for me.

While scrolling through all the old SMSes on my phone, I deliberately scrolled all the way back to Oct last year.  I realised there are so many messages from so many of my friends, whose numbers I did not save in my phone address book.  Back in those crazy times of Oct thro December, etc...I 'moved on' with lightning speed.  I don't know how many SMS I received back then after your accident.  Am reading these SMS now one by one, and saving all the phone numbers in my phone book.

This one jumped at me and made me stopped:

"Keep singing, Janet.  He would like that.  All the best, Surin"

You remember Surin.  Our friend from MNS, we both last saw him at that wedding gig where he played  guitar for my Malay song.

It's all connected.  The singing kept me going and going.  While close friends and family took care of me in many ways after you left - it is singing and music that keep me sane, and mentally in tact...what worked hand in hand with that was the memories of you.

And it was singing that got you to notice me, those many years ago.

Ok, enough about me, and me and singing - everything is seriously going great for me in the singing front. I am still very far from diva-dom and superstar status but everything is moving in good direction in the singing and performing department.

If you ask me who else is a winner, I'd say our kick-ass Mama.  She just cope, I don't know how she deals with herself in her own private time but every time I see her, she is just great.  She calls me a lot, just to talk to me or ask if I need food.

Don't think I have any clips of  your voice or anything like that.  I hope your voice stays with me.

Poster for my coming concert, 3 more weeks.  Rehearsing for this has reminded me how much I have

always enjoy singing classical repertoire.  I have had cold feet about singing the Mozart piece but tonight 's rehearsal was a breakthrough for me - not because I did exceptionally well, because I somehow got myself to really enjoy the sound, and the music, after all that many weeks of struggling and fear.

Had nice and quiet dinner with your mom, Mama, Yan & Tristan, Nell and Marina on your birthday.  Alex and your Dad were out of town.

Ok, way way way past my bed time.  Another busy day (I like busy) when the sun gets up.

Lots of love, missing you...

B

Letter one hundred - Day two hundred and fifty-six of your vacation

Dearest J,

There's a lost ant on my table now.  I remember one of your pet dislike is ants... This big black fat ant is going all direction, and not really going anywhere...looks lost.

I came home from dinner at your place.  I fed Hilary and Hussein before leaving the house.  Played with Hilary for a while.  Tristan tried petting her but his pet was more like smacking her on the head and belly so she ran away from him.  He is likely going to grow up to like animals, a more lucky urban boy who's allowed to touch animals.

Had a bad case of infection the night before I left for Phnom Penh, went out to see a doctor late at night.  While filling up the hospital registration form, I had to fill out the `next of kin' column, I felt a bang of something in my stomach then because I couldn't put you down as my next of kin no more.  I looked up my phone for my sister's mobile number and wrote it down on the form.

Here's a photo for you, taken at Phnom Penh's Russian market, by Kid Chan.  I was there doing what you'd call, the Janet-thing, shopping, posing and shopping...

I was holding a zip shoulder bag made of recycled material.

It's going to be a full day tomorrow.  Will end it with dinner with your folks, your dad and Alex are not around so it's going to be an all-girl outing, we are celebrating your birthday, eating together.

Missing you lots,

B

Letter ninety-nine - Day two hundred and fifty-four of your vacation

Dearest J,

I've been quiet for a while here.  I've had quite a good few weeks.

It's not a conscious thing but this soul-searching journey has been...for lack of words, I'd say it's been grand.  If I have to say anything genuine and sounding spiritual (not me) now, I'd say that all I have now is the doing of your magical ways, your magical, loving hands and mind at work - "looking over my shoulder, looking out for me."

All around me, people dying and die, friends breaking up, friends broke up, people fighting, people crying. I really learn and remind to not take anything for granted.  Everyday every experience becomes a heightened, vivid, vivacious sensation.

Ok, diary of my activities of two weeks:

I sang for a Chinese reality TV show for wedding planners, Ring Mission will be on air from this Sunday onwards, 8TV, Sunday 7pm.

Went to Phnom Penh for the first time, stayed at a fancy French hotel, Sofitel.  Really worked on my French lyrics for La vie en rose before I sang the song at the hotel wedding fair opening party.  The Phnom Penh Post gave me a big photo exposure on June 6th.

I helped Danny Lim with two of his interview outings at Jenjarom & Pulau Ketam.  Translated Mandarin for him.  Both outings were incredibly interesting and new for me.

Had a class with Cecelia end of last month!!

Cher Siang gave me a class in how to read music for singers.  20-min a day is what I need, he said.  I get what I need now, just need to work out a learning mechanism to know the language well.  If I keep at this, soon, I should be able to read music and sight sing any song...

Love,

B