people who needs people

am feeling sentimental :)

Taking a plane ride used to be something exciting and exhilarating for me, but quite recently, new thoughts creep upon my mind whenever I have to plan for a trip involving flying. Thought of planes accidents and dying come to mind.

And that brings me to think about the greatest loss of dying would be the separation of people. How different I have become all these silent years crept by...fears changed. What used to be scary to me is now something of the past and thoughts and new fears that never crossed my mind creep slowly in.

How the cravings for material things, for social status have shifted to the longing to be with people, the important people, the people that bring purest joy to me.

Well, owning a new gorgeous dress still gives me the thrill but it's kinda, hmm, scary and delightful at the same time; to know and to discover a sort of, a new venerability and fragility in me. How precious life is and how much happiness there is in life, not involving money.

As we age and gain in materials and status, we also gain new values and new insights. Before I came to live in the city, I imagine a high life of partying, dancing all night long, dating as many men as I want, smooching with the coolest whoever on the A-list. I came to the city, meek and plain and uncertain but the growing pains are well worth it.

I remember crying alone in my temp job cubicle one late working day because I couldn't join my office colleagues to some Halloween party, I had curfew still, being nineteen and living with my then guardian sister. So desperate to grow up and be seen in pubs, it was like the world to me -- to go into a joint.

Then when I was independent and I could party all I want, the desire to do so also went. Suddenly talking over loud music was annoying, squeezing past sweaty dancing crowd to get to my friends was no more fun. Attending rave parties stop making sense to me - to get dressed just to wait in line to get in, and then having to scream whole night long to be heard, come home reeking of ciggies and alcohol...and pay for midnight cab charges.

The idea of cool now is to know that I have real friends who love me and people I love and respect. The bond with people and the closeness become something I hold out for while I deal with the daily aspects of less romantic things. This connection with people in my life gives meaning to everything I do. It is huge cliche but it can't be anymore true than this for me -- knowing that love is everything.

What comes closely with love of course, is relationships. I make it a point to be sincere and grounded with people. Though I somehow remain a cold thinker and claim to have too little empathy for people, these days I would choose a peaceful & happy ending anytime, over winning an argument with someone I care about. Having the last word in an argument used to be my favourite thing but these days I try to find satisfaction in other things, like making others feel good, it's hard work consider I scored high in personality test as a stronger and weak in the `feeler' department. Say it like it is is still part of my reflex now but I have come to realise that it is a better feeling knowing other people feel good.

What gets me down nowadays is losing my temper and regret it later. On other hand, I am slowly mastering the skill of not letting circumstances get to me and spoil my mood...so I think if I succeed in controlling my temper even more, I would soon be "enlightened".

...here's to a new year of new enlightenment and joy. Happy new year, happy birthday and happy days and happy life to you all.