Overhaul

It has been a whirlwind of self-doubts and an overdrive of soul-searching, last two days.  It's like an extended period of over-analyzing and over-thinking about my singing.

The FBI show at No Black Tie came and went, I had a decent turn out for a weeknight performance, according to Evelyn herself.

The stress I went through for the gig was nightmarish, with it I walked away with a few expensive lessons. Things that I think I should have the wisdom to see it coming, having been performing for years - I should have had the brains to prevent them but no.  I guess better late than never having learned.

I under estimated the workload for a performance with such little rehearsal.  

I learned never to put up a show with 95% new material being performed for the first time. Not when there is only one rehearsal, not when the music director is going through a peak period of work.

I learned to take smarter risks, if I were to venture out of a comfort zone of my voice & singing for a show, I will need to invest more rehearsal and workshop time.  In fact, I think I would, and I should for now, stick to what suits my voice best for now - jazz standards and Shidaiqu, until I get better at them, I should not venture too far away from the genres.

I should never go on stage until I have carefully considered my talking points in between songs - rambling away is not cool, however much my friends love me, there will always be a stranger or two in the audience who's watching my performance for the first time.

So yes, anyway, the clock doesn't turn back for anyone or anything, I can only look forward and move on - and it's up to me to make things better for the future.

Action plan: 

Increase the amount of high-focus rehearsal time spent on every new song

Work with a metronome 

Learn productive listening to a recording or a performance

Look forward and just keep working, ranting should be kept to minimal.

Wandering mind

It was a careless and harmless chat, with one whom I respect a lot.  Puts a question on my table, in my head, on my plate.

Just how much happiness can a single person stomach?  A single, unmarried, not-romantically-attached person.

Our conversation forced me to examine my stand on being single and happy, am I really THAT happy?

I can cross my heart and hope to die that each time I experience true bliss, it is 100% genuine and unadulterated.  Lately my bliss has been coming in forms of `humble-grandeur' (absolute oxymoron?) like standing at my kitchen counter and watch Thursday eat, or stroking and talking to her after being out for days, watching the sunsets or traffic and night lights from my flat, or tasting every strand of salad in my mouth, or buying a new book...or looking into the mirror to admire how wonderful a new secondhand dress look on me..., etc.

Am not complaining, not yet.  These experiences are by no means, very private activities and I feel incredibly sensual experiencing them.

I just wonder how good it will all last.  I still miss sitting next to him watching whatever documentary he was watching and complained that I really need to take a shower.  The sofa now looks empty without him there playing on his Airbook, but it's been so long now since anyone lie on it to play on a laptop...time does really do things to you.  It makes you adapt to new routines, new habits, it makes you get used to things, like being alone and no one answers you back.

Anyway I told my good friend agrees with me that each to his own, it's possible to have a perfectly grand life staying single.  He just thought maybe I'd spent time thinking about having options.  Options of other than being alone.

I have thought about expiry date.  I said to my friend that I hope I don't look to him as a woman who looks about to expire and who needs help.  

Speaking of expiring...thank goodness for my dream job that always keep my soul in check, intact, and what do I know, with that, I even got an offer (just last week) and access to free skincare products.  While making baby step effort to maintain what's left of my calendar, thank heavens also to wonderful writings such as this one: Creativity in Beethoven and Coltrane, by Brad Mehldau.

And now it's good night and cheers to early mornings!