Heaven and Hell

I was feeling almost reptile-like, a cool-head, clear mind thinking person a day ago.  But a day later I am overwhelmed by so much emotions that I almost laugh out loud at the absurdity of life.

You know that feeling of sheer helplessness that contort your face into a frown and a bitter smirk?  

I fed Hussein this evening, I stood outside his house watching this creature chew on rice and bones and truly miss him all over again.  That sharp-knife wave of sadness always get to me every time I look at Hilary and Hussein at his place.  I feel very sorry for the cat and dog that he who used to talk to them and play with them is not around.  On other side of the thought, I am very grateful that J's family never fail to make sure the animals get their feed everyday, even when they are away.

Alex and I sat in silence long enough to register our inner thought, after I brought up the Marco Simoncelli accident over dinner.  The bike crash tragedy made front page of The Star today, replaced the original story of Dama's end of the In Perfect Harmony concert run.  I was sipping champagne last night after the show when Glenn from The Star told me about the horrific death of Simoncelli at 2pm yesterday.  

As much as I'd like to know more details on the Italian rider accident, I guess I couldn't read it in front of Alex.  Anyway he took  the paper from me and read the coverage nonetheless.  His left leg is in a cast, he fell from his bike last week, now fresh out of an ankle surgery.  He showed me the x-rays and told me he will be on leave for the next six weeks.

Just minutes before that, I lied next to Mama listening to her updates on relatives.  I haven't been to the house for weeks since the Dama run started.  A thick cloud of guilt swept over me as I lie there listening to the updates on everyone.  The elderly circle is full of a gradual escalation of health deterioration of sorts.  Inside of me, the guilt of being busy was eating me in large bites.  I could see that I have a role in this family, I am meant to be the daughter they didn't give birth to - the desire to spend more time with his mom and Mama is very great.  

I had very urge to leave the house at once so I could be alone to deal with all the emotions.  So I distracted myself with two large bowls of ABC soup and rice...the TV was playing Shaw Shank Redemption.  Tristan was running around playing with everything.  

Less than a day ago I was full of concern over my own doubts and feelings.  Right now am in funky mix of weariness and anticipation.  There's never going to be enough time to do everything that I want to do, to make things right, to feel right.  

When I left my flat earlier to drive over to his house, I was  happy that the skin on my face can finally breathe freely without a trace of make-up.  Then I remember how he used to remind me that I look very good to him when am without any make-up.  I look into the lift lobby mirror at my sallow skin and dark eye circles that scream attention, I guess tonight is the time for some private indulgence of very serious sentiment - missing him.

I've been so busy with life, the life am making without him.  Guess I have earned the right to now sit here, to do nothing and just miss him.