Letter ninety-six- Day two hundred and thirteen of your vacation

Dearest J,

Missing you, mad.  Have been feeling some and haven't told you about it...so here goes.  It's dark, gloomy, nothing necessarily useful but it feels needed to be said, so I shall.

Real torture is holding back tears, a refrain from crying.  I was starting to enjoy it a lot but my eyes started to react to it and couple with stage make up (and the removing of it), these eyes need proper rest and care.

I didn't expect it to get worse, I thought that with time, I ought to feel better in time.  But now as the clock ticks and from 6 months going into 7 months and beyond, the missing gets worse.

On a day like today when I function incredibly well, almost more efficient than ever, organised as hell, rational behaviour and all that - when am in my corner facing my hot shower for the night, I feel quite close to a creature in a mental asylum, gone quite mad.

`Everything' is going so well, I am not incredibly busy and swamped with work, but busy enough...steady is the word.  I feel well, I thought I do.  This inner world somehow seems to a mad roller coaster of weathers.  Am starting to guess, maybe am being suppressed by my rational mind.  The minds tells me to behave, and reminds me there isn't any point and benefit in dwelling in this emotional state.

It's like, having the feeling that I haven't spent enough time, to hide away long enough, to just lash out with tears and all things grey.  As if I haven't spent long enough time with the floods, stormy weather, raging waves...hence the sunny weather is looking to be short-lived.  It's like someone who hasn't completely been cured off a bad case of food poisoning, now the diarrhea is looming near.

Feels as if I moved on too fast for my own good and now I face the repercussion of my speedy recovery, like someone who's gone on a crazy highly effective and fast diet and now face with the side effects of the diet.

Maybe I can go on a hideout trip again by myself, just to spend time missing you and do nothing else.

Until then, the sun rises everyday...some mornings here have been gloomy and very cool.  I have been lonely.  Just today I thought to myself, and asked myself to relax, and just enjoy it...enjoy and embrace single-hood.  Wasn't I the girl who truly loved life a lot being single? - I reminded myself.  Be that girl again.

Seems like a tall order, there were many unfulfilling dating experiences I went through.  I was truly home when I had the wealth of you next to me.  Imagine one who has gotten used to the luxury of a bed, a roof over a head, now one has to be out in the elements and embrace it.

All right, bed IS a pretty attractive option right now.  Distractions and my rational behaviour aside, these are my darker moods when no one is looking, when am alone in our space, when I live in my inner world.

I think I will be fine.  Maybe I have been taking something for granted, I tell people am good, well and fine all the damn time...sometimes I just don't know if am fine but that's the line to say, "Am fine.  Thank you."

Good night darling.

Love,

B