Greatest Love Of All

I have been receiving mostly positive comments on my FHM debut, though one friend said that I looked like a woman in a child's body...I have to agree with her, after I got over the comment, and then I was happy that I got over it.

...you know the moment you accept the way you look and make peace with yourself, it's true bliss.

I'm guilty, like most women in KL who are constantly scrutinizing their bodies and looks...on an eternal quest to look better. Most recently I got hooked on eye-liner (learned to use properly after staging of Pygmalion) and am trying to get off the addiction. I remind myself the painful journey after my college years when I broke free from make-up -- I was the kid who couldn't leave the house without make-up, it is hard even for me to understand what got me into that phase of obsession over foundation, matte dark lipstick, eye brow pencils and mascara...

When I came out of it, I literally lived a different life. Freedom I'd say.

It's that hard to love ourselves, inside out, just the way we are?

Maybe it's just hard when we have this loud, blinding wall of public messages that tell you how you should look? SK II, Leonard Drake, Shiseido...Fair & Lovely, etc. We are in an age where we are obsessed with natural food (because we believe they give us good looks) but we hate our `natural look' so we would use many beauty products to achieve that `manufactured NATURAL look', could be the make up that make you look like you have none on, could be a plastic surgery that make you look naturally-youthful or could be the eye-brow tattoo or embroidery that make you look like you have `original & natural eye-brow'.

I used to look at the photos that sweet J took of me, mostly candid shoots and whined that I don't like them. "But this is you! This shoot captured just who you are...is YOU."

Later I learn to appreciate photos that capture characters, not just the nice highlights in the hair. He went on to take many more photos of me without makeup and I love those especially....

Now that I have gone full time singing, I'm learning a new ball game about looks and image too. Though I'm totally at ease with who I am in the public and social scenes, I have been warned (with good intentions) to put up something more formal (both dress and mannerism) for those first impressions that you don't know when you will be making and who is looking.

This new game is about balancing who I am really and who I should be really, for my clients, who pays my rent.

I shall reserve the mascara for my clients, and give my friends the real thing, warts and all....