Letter twenty-seven - Day thirty of your vacation

Dearest J,

Day thirtieth, wow.  It's been a month??  ...too fast.  Too fast.

Last night was another cold night.  I slept through the night without needing fan or air-cond.  Callie stayed over.  This morning I took her to the wantan mee shop for late breakfast.

Managed to plow through a few overdue paperwork today.  Going to Alliance bank in the morning to settle your accounts there with a lovely helpful girl named Lilian.

Finally called the cleaners to come in this week.  The deadline for a clean home has come.  I have been staring a hair, a very short hair stuck on the wall of the shower room, near the shampoo rack, for the last three...four weeks coming. I know it's your hair...

Somehow looking at this hair gives me some funny sort of comfort every time I stand in the shower.  Feeling like you are somewhere near, and this is still your space.

Come Wednesday it will get washed away when the cleaners come in.  Along with your other stray hairs on the floor somewhere.

It's funny isn't it, how attached I feel towards these little...little evidence of the past.

I haven't really missed you the last one week, till just now.  Even the visits I spent in your room and at your house I wasn't focused on the memory of you.  I was concentrating on the people living and moving in the house.

Had a late cuppa with Gopi after a rehearsal.  He told me about your friend Dr Leow who lives in Cameron Highlands.  I remember you telling me about what a cool guy he was.  I hope to meet him soon one day.  Gopi said he found out about the accident through papers...and maybe wish he was there in KL the week.

I have a sudden fear of me getting too used to living without you, I have been going along really well, without you.  We had such a wonderful and perfect `separated-connected' life together, that, thanks to that, I can go on everyday now, alone (as in not with you) and be normal.  I just worried that I might forget what's it like to have you holding me, next to me...and your silliness, your skin, your smell, your smile...etc.  Attachments.

Part of me is desperately wishing that I miss you more, like stop in my track everyday more, to just spend time missing you.  This part of me asks myself why do I miss you less this week.  I know the answer...it's common sense, you'd say, when you have distraction, you don't miss someone.

The rationale part of me tells me it's fantastic to move along well and fast.

The emotional part of me wants to hold on to you forever, and mourn.

I snap out of it pretty easily, the minute I stop myself and say, focus in this very minute.  I would go back to the clockwork, whether it is driving, or walking, or eating...

I don't read much these days.  The bookmarks in the books am reading stay on the same page for over a week.  Been out a lot.

My voice is still coarse.  Not getting enough rest for the voice.  I am going to get ready to sleep soon.

Miss you lots, love.

B