Dear lovers...

I just got home from a fun-filled rehearsal and a rockin' good time with two close friends.  Thank you "Justin of 26th-floor" for the rockin' 90s music, ok, maybe I won't call you Justin anymore, we know you prefer to be called Fai by close friends.

Anyway, am home and saw there are 5 comments left on my previous entry, now that's surprising.  Ya, anyway.

An advice from someone named Ben:

A bit too late now. Love the person like there is no tomorrow when they are alive. Not healthy holding on to memories indefinitely.


Ok, I did stop in my track almost everyday, to ask myself, will there ever be a point when I stop thinking, "Justin would have wanted...", "Justin would have said this..", "Justin would have preferred me to..."

... I stop myself almost every single time, and tell myself - Janet, he is gone, gone already.  He doesn't say anything now.  Everything I do now is just me. Yes, I know him SO WELL that of course, I would know what he would have said if he were here, about this, or that (mind you, most of the times he said "I don't know." - and I love him for that).  

So Ben, I do wonder about the holding on indefinitely.  People need to move on, and everyone around me knows, I have.  In a freakish speed, I did move on with my life - and for the period of the good time I have with my Justin.  I think I move on too freaking fast.

I went to a theatre rehearsal the evening after his afternoon funeral...the day of his funeral!  I walked into the theatre space feeling dazed, and brave, and determined...somehow.

The week after his accident I performed for a week, my gigs have resumed...everything is back on track.  I feel...I feel many things.  I can't begin to label these feelings.

Because we loved each other so so much and we knew each other so well, that I KNOW that this is what I should do, and yes, he WOULD have wanted me to do exactly what am doing, the past two three weeks - laughing out loud, eating, writing, going out, singing, singing, dancing, crying, talking, clowning around.  To live on.

So, what do I do to commemorate my romance?  I indulge in plenty of alone time here in my flat, to write, to go through his things, to clean, to cry, to smile at myself...

So, yes, it's too late to wish I sang more for him, in private.  On loving a person like there's no tomorrow - we have/had.

I used to tell him, "...don't you think it's crazy we say 'I love you' so much that it's not normal?"

We couldn't stop saying 'I love you' every time we saw each other, or when we chatted online, or on SMS.  It was out of the world, I felt.  As a couple who dislike romantic comedies, for we read mostly science non-fictions, who are not clingy, and fiercely independent, we were madly and diabolically, wickedly romantic.  We looked into each other's eyes a lot and got lost in each other, we shared great many lovers' secrets, just being close to each other was all that we needed for a perfect happiness.  We kept telling each other how happy we made each other, through our many strength and weaknesses.

I love picking up after him, his dirty socks...it made me happy to know that I wash his clothes.  I love knowing that he was playing games on his handphone on the toilet...and

He loved watching me change four times before I decide on a dress before going out.  Shaking his head and smiling.  He loved watching me talk too much.

We only ever hold back when we were in public, we were the macho couple in public's eye, we played down 'public-display-affection'.  In front of my parents we behaved.

We loved each other every moment like there was no tomorrow.

So when he first left, I thought to myself, my future is bleak, very bleak because of his departure, the void he's left in my life, the list went on.

Three weeks later, now, I see different things.

Everyday when I look into the space next to me in bed, or the empty toilet bowl, or the empty sofa bed, or his Gtalk offline status, or his things lying around our home, I `can't believe' he is not coming back anymore.

But I have peace in my heart.  I don't know how long this peace is here to stay, I can't tell how I will feel tomorrow, I can't tell many things.

But I know the rest of me now, it's filled with his love, his ideologies, his silliness, his calmness...and it's filled with singing, music...and hard work.  He worked hard for his family, for me, for his passion, for his food.

Thank you Ben for your advice, staying healthy is definitely on my to-do-list.

You can tell am surrounded by love, from the living people, Peter, Chels, Carrie, Sheahnee, TP and the list goes on.

Love,

Janet