Letter seventeen - Day twenty-one of your vacation

Dearest J,

Home from the wedding gig.  I listened to the speech tonight for a chance, and what a lovely lovely speech the groom read, to his wife.

The other day I thought to myself, would I be `happy' if the one who left this world was me instead of you.  I compared and concluded, certainly in this world more people needed you more than they need me.  So many people need you for your guidance & inspiration, your colleagues, your family, your bikers.  You had so many pending projects waiting  to take off.

I don't have.  I told you that am happy just to keep singing, I had no grand plan.  We aren't really known for our talent in planning...though we did plan to grow old together.

But then again, you had a lot more on your shoulder compare to me.  Your company needed you for its direction and your  leadership, and your charisma.

But then I thought, if you were to be left alone here...in our flat, what would you do without me?  You wouldn't know how to keep this place clean.  You wouldn't know where everything is, the place will get piled up by your papers and etc.  You will miss having to wait for me to change my dress a few times before we go out, you will miss my singing, miss being the guy who gets to go home with the singer...miss having someone there to stop the moron from cutting in your queue, miss calling me the `cakap banyak girl'...

Ok, I honestly don't know who will survive better.  There's no way to find out now.  I am the survivor, we didn't have a choice, it just happened.

It just breaks my heart to think if I left you behind you would be alone in this flat, mucking about, looking for your missing sock, or looking for your house keys...and not have anyone to tell about your silly biker friends and their episodes on the road, etc.

The TV & sofa are really lonely here.  I haven't watched the TV since you left...not once.  I just don't know how to.  I only watch Astro when you were around, you were always watching something interesting and I had to join you there on the sofa.  You were always waiting for me to come home on the sofa, watching TV, or falling asleep watching TV,  or playing games on your laptop while waiting for me.

I fell asleep on my desktop...not good.

I remember you don't like people who do mostly complain and nothing else.  I shall go to bed remembering all the good things that are left behind...it's a long list.  I will make the list in bed.

Hope to see you in my dreams sometimes.

Love you much...

B