Letter twenty-eight - Day thirty-one of your vacation

Dearest J,

I'm living the purpose of my life, just sing.

Nell and I were talking about how the past one month seems to have zoomed past us really fast.  She reflected on how someone, like you, or anything, could just varnish in a moment...while not having changed most things on earth - I added that - sun still comes out, rain falls, shops go on their business.  This spec of dust, of you, who is larger than life for so many many people...doesn't change a thing in nature when you leave.

Today, day 31st.  Time flies when you are occupied.

I went over to take Mama & aunt for lunch today.  She told me animatedly that she's been clearing and organizing all the coins that she has found all over your room, separating the foreign coins and local, leaving all the loose change she found in the hall for some shopping.

My voice has yet to recover fully, haven't had proper rest last few days.  I do vocalise/talk less or not say a thing when I don't need to.

Tomorrow the cleaners come in the afternoon, a fresh beginning for the flat.

Was just telling a friend about how I feel now, I just back home, yes, at 3am...after a session of an impromptu rehearsal that has helped clear some horrible self doubts.  Nell is giving me a story to tell for each of my song that am going to sing next week at RE:Play.  I know I have stories to tell, but having her to lead me through and with Christine & Fai on the music, makes a world's difference.

Ok, so back to what I told this friend.  I feel such irony that I really cannot complain about anything right now because I think my heart and head are in the right places now, and how so many wonderful and exciting things are coming my way - because of you.  Because of the circumstance we are in.  I've lost you forever in exchange of all these wonderful things?

Your departure has led me to this path paved with lots of love, and hope, and new frontier.  I had no idea that I was that special and dear to so many people, when I gasped in surprise to see the number of my friends who turned up at your wake & funeral.  When people keep writing to me with love in their hearts.

I think some of them love me because I am the girl who loves you, the guy whom people saw love and life in.  They love me because maybe we are inspiring, as a couple.

I still tell people about `my boyfriend', to strangers, or just people in general.  Like what you used to say all the time, who can tell what the future holds, but I see that you stay as my man for the rest of my life.  Someone who has made some pretty amazing changes in me the past 8 years, with your determination to see the good in everything, the right attitude for life and towards people, and your zest for life.

All right, this could go on but that's about all for now.  I just needed to tell you this before I sleep for a bit and get up in a few short hours later for a meeting.

You took this shot of me up here, in Bangkok Jazz.  The joint is not around anymore.  Most of my best shots of me singing, or just me, were shots taken by you.  I might never find another photographer who could do what you can with me in front of the lens...but I will continue to pose for the lens, and sing.

Sing a song, sing out loud, and sing out strong.

Love you lots, miss you crazy...

B