Letter thirty - Day thirty-one of your vacation
Dearest J,
I didn't see it coming, it just hit me...bad. One of the most painful thoughts I go through some of these days is thinking of how you fell from your beautiful bike.
How you fell, I'd never ever know. The most heart-wrenching is to think that the second you fell from your Repsol, you must have been...absolutely terrified. None of us will ever find out how long it took for you to lost consciousness, and the thought that you might have been lying there alone for more than a...
...lying there fully conscious, and alone, and in pain and in shock for even just a second, or a few seconds - is enough to kill me.
I was driving home from your house after having had the most wonderful meal there with your parents, Mama and Aunt Ku Neeng. The thought just came and I was helpless to not being able to gain control over it, I switched off the radio and played a Strauss opera and still the mental pictures kept coming.
...am better now. I just wait it out.
I wish you didn't have to be alone when you went, I keep telling myself that it's not important ANYMORE, but still it isn't easy to stop thinking how scared you would have been that moment...knowing how much you hate pain. Maybe there was no pain at all, maybe you weren't scared at all, maybe, I'd never know.
Ok, time to walk away for now.
I went through some of your drawers at home and got a few items back for myself.
I found your Repsol manual...it's with me now. There are a few of your old passport photos, I took them with me.
And a few of your old notebooks with your scribbling of thoughts, ideas for your presentation and whole lot of stuff that I might not understand.
And this Ambank KL International Marathon finisher medal.
Am hungry again, I stopped myself from gobbling down too much food earlier. Alex and Yan haven't eaten yet when we started.
There will be another gathering-cum-prayer at your house this Nov 11th, your mom said it's the `40th-day prayer'. That's one day earlier than my first acoustic gig.
Ok, now this is your line you said very often during our chats previously - "I'm going to look for food now."
I love you so much.
Till the next letter.
Love,
B
Labels: Justin
posted by Going-Solo at 11:30 PM
2 Comments:
The thought just came and I was helpless to not being able to gain control over it
6:40 PM
Dear Janet,
A week or so ago, I wouldnt have been able to picture so vividly your emotions about this as I do now. Last week, my high school sweetheart - a man I loved for 7 years - passed away in a road accident. Although we were no longer in a relationship, the same thoughts have been crossing through my mind daily, sometimes they are crippling, and I pray everytime that he didnt suffer, that he knew he was loved, that he wasnt alone.
I tell myself he is in a better place now, on a nice long vacation, the way you've been doing, and it makes me feel a little less sad. And somehow, though I never expected it, reading your blog over the last few weeks offered me a kindred spirit when I didnt know I would need one.
I hope you are well, and that you are happier. God bless.
11:13 PM
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