An Ego Issue

I have to perfect the art of losing, at which when I do, I will be working on the science of law of average.

The more I try, the higher chance I have for winning something.

SM said: Life rewards action.

J: Everytime you compete and didn't win but get to the finals, it's one more credential for your CV, it's not losing.

My first singing competition in 2000 didn't see me to the finals, I was happy for the mere fact I finished the song on stage and didn't faint or lose the words.

I took part again the following year and got into finals, suffered stage fright just as before, sang my songs and went home with my consolation prize. No pride hurt.

I skipped 2002 and went back again to compete again, this time with more emotions and jadedness, because I took part in a music fest the year before and got dissed when they put singers and musicians together for finals, I sang well at the finals and in fact, I won myself a boyfriend over that, but none of us from vocal section made it, a pianist won the price, DUH.

So when I made it to the finals in 2003, it felt good and it was reassuring to be in the finals but there's where I stopped, again, at finals. I went home with the fake smile and the consolation prize, and my boyfriend who thought I could have been a little louder :)

I guess that's when it all started, pride and ego. The one thing budding singers cannot afford to have too much of. That year was also the first year and my first time on stage when I actually enjoyed the singing, I remember staring into the darkness of the audience and judges and felt good singing on stage...of course later I cringed when I watched the video of the competition.

In 2004, I finally made it to top four, yes, number four, or you can call it third runner up. I thought that I was finally getting used to singing a solo on stage and that I would not have any issue getting up there and be scrutinized. I guess my problem was with smaller competitions, I marked myself too high when I'm outside the regular district-level championship.

I told J my reluctance to compete in anymore competitions where I keep losing year after year. He gave me a prep talk which make so much sense I wonder if I was so stupid before I didn't see it...I guess it's a case of J making sense, he sees so much more light than me.

Now you see why I love him to bits.

Forget about fear of losing, if I have no quirms about losing, no one is going to e able to make me feel like a lousy failure. My opinion and perception of myself is the most important at times like this. No one can make me feel lousy as good as I do it to myself.

He said, when you win three times out of the 100 times you tried, no one is going to know (in your CV) that you lost 97 times, people will see that you have won three times.

A song for all, Nat King Cole's Pick Yourself Up

Nothing's impossible, I have found
For when my chin is on the ground.
I pick myself up,
Dust myself off
And start all over again.

Don't lose your confidence
If you slip
Be grateful for a pleasant trip
And pick yourself up,
Dust yourself off
And start all over again.

Work like a soul inspired
Until the battle of the day is won.
You may be sick and tired,
But you'll be a man, my son.

Will you remember the famous men
Who had to fall to rise again
They picked themselves up
Dust themselves off
And start'd all over again.