Letter one hundred and six - Day three hundred and forty-seven of your vacation

Dearest J,

Felt particularly aimless last night and tonight, right after my gigs while driving home.  The feeling was like I felt like going somewhere, meeting someone, doing something - but I didn't go anywhere else other than home, didn't go meet anyone because I didn't feel like meeting anyone other than you, and didn't feel like doing anything if I wasn't going to meet you.

The aimlessness came from, I don't know if the feeling is loneliness?  It seems odd that I would feel that because I thought that going around, in and out of shows, and going home alone have been something most natural to me... I always have something to look forward to the next day - after a show.   I always have yet another something to do the next day, the next week, the next hour, when I get home, etc.

Just that in between that something coming up next, my next appointment, that next show, next rehearsal, etc, I don't have you in between - to distract me like you used to.  Remember how I used to complained that I had to go to bed late because with you around, I couldn't just sit there at my desk and finish a piece of work and hit the bed....

Thats'w what you used to complain too, you didn't get to sleep early when you come round.  You would watch TV while while waiting for me to get off my PC, or you'd finish your book and am still not done - or we would stay up late just talking so much before you look at the clock and screamed the time.

These days I have Thursday around to stop me from my track at home, sometimes I just stop whatever I'm doing, to play with her, pat her or comb her hair, mostly I just stop to watch her.  She still doesn't purr, or meow.

A few months ago Michelle emailed to tell me that she would like to dedicate a new soap she was making to you and I, named Songbird, a soap to represent freedom, childlike hope and optimism for the future..and the joy of noticing the relishing the present.  I finally met with her at a weekend market and got a whole bunch of soaps for myself and some friends.  Here you go, it's our soap and it's square, the way you like it.

In her words...


For scent, I'm thinking of blending the sharp, fresh and outdoorsy scents of pine, eucalyptus, cypress, and perhaps bergamot for a light citrusy-floral note. For colouring, I'm thinking sunrise over a field or forest - so the bottom will be a muted green, while the top of the soap will have swirls of orange and yellow clays.



It's a very busy time for me here.  I haven't been allowed the time or leisure to sit there and count the days to your anniversary.  Though a week ago I made a FB page for you.  Many people have since then left many stories on the page.

Ok, I have sat here long enough, the feeling of loneliness has long been drained out.  Now it's just tiredness and anxiety for tomorrow.  I need to work all my dance numbers - much work is needed.  I need to sit dow and work on all my talking notes for my NBT show.  I need to...many many things.  See, am that busy.  Given that, you don't have to worry if I would stay lonely for long ok, there are always things to do, places to go, people to see, songs to sing.

And maybe, I do enjoy feeling lonely and missing you every now and then, my little pockets of indulgence in my sweet misery.