What it means

I used to think that I was living it all for him, for the meaning of what life meant to be half of this unit, the unit that was made up of Justin, and Janet.

Life = whatever that is Janet + Justin put together = a perfect combination of imperfection in harmony

He had many roles outside of our world, the best friend to his pals, the CEO, the good biker, the grandson, the brother, the good son.  But I think all that meant more than that because he had me.

And in my corner I was the noisy girl, the best friend to my best friend, the sing-song girl, the fashion girl, the flea market girl, foul-mouthed girl...and all that meant more than what they were because I was also his girl.

So now what, now am JUST a singer, a noisy girl (occasionally), flea market girl (once in a long while now).  Sigh.  Hmm, at least for Thursday, I am almost her whole world now.

Is a life only better and fuller because one is needed?  When one is needed?

It's not always bad, I only feel like this about a few times a week.  My solution is distraction.  Work still make me feel good, reading still does me good.  I find I enjoy solitude a little more than I think it's healthy...but what is healthy?  Sometimes perhaps it's just the music I listen to when am alone, too melancholic.

He and I both agreed that there is no meaning in life that needs figuring out.  Life is what we make of it.  In these times I find myself searching for it, amongst the crowded schedule of errands, appointments, singing, planning, driving around, cleaning, sorting, crying, laughing, reading...

Because I didn't realise that I didn't need a meaning of life because I always had him there, at the end of my day, giving me the VERY meaning of my life.

What meaning of life do you need when you have a soul mate who was your noon, morning, evening, dusk, black, white, evil, good, silly, lover, brother and best friend?

You don't.

I didn't.

Until I find it again, I will just get busy, collecting some happiness in little wonderful things like reading a good book, listening to someone tells me I sang good.

Or help someone helpless.