Letter four - Day nine of your vacation

Dearest J,

Miss you like crazy this morning. Lying on our bed, I tried imagine having you there, smiling at me and groaning about being late for work.

I think, I will have two levels, or two degrees of mental compartment - one I will use for `being in the present' for activities like concentrating on driving, learning a song, working, talking to friends, paperwork, counting, pitching to a client, banking...

The other compartment is for my indulgence, to drown myself in the memory. I will learn to ration myself on the consumption of these precious memories of you. I been reading emails from you over and over...and very glad that google mail keeps a record of our chats. The last few years, in lieu of email exchange, we had great many meaningful chats online.

I will always remember you telling me how much you enjoyed just being next to me and talking to me, and listen to me talk.

My friends tell me that I don't have to conform to what people think mourning should be, etc. Your dad asked me yesterday if I have started working again, I told him I already have and I think I felt a tinge of regret.

But I have kind of made a vow, to myself, on the second day of your wake, to work even harder and sing more, more, more; to be busier, to dive into more projects.

I got it, transform the grieve and sadness into the fuel for driving ahead.

You know that I will miss having you around right next to me, or right there in the chat box to listen to my whines, my excitement, my stories, the episodes from my friends...etc. My constant need for your guidance and comforting words, and touch will have to, I don't know...take a back seat?

Just had a nice chat online and told someone that today, though I woke up with a heavy heart, the path seem clear again - if I can just focus on spreading goodness outward and working hard, hopefully there would be little space left in my heart for sadness and grieve.

As cheesy and not-like-me, maybe my mantra from now has to be - When you give and give and give much love, you will feel nothing but love inside. One won't feel lonely with all that work at hand to spread goodness.

Hang on, this should be easy, I can take the model off you! All we hear now about you is that - how much you care for the others, and how selfless you are....

I quote what Helene said about you, commenting on a blog entry:

he was just like that wasn't he? unkempt, and totally selfless, so concerned about everyone else but himself.

Look out, not in, there's so much work to be done out there, who has the time to mourn and dwell on one's loss and one's alone-ness.

I like to think that it's you who's giving me all these daily inspirations, even though I haven't had any `dream connection' with you since last week.

Look at me! Too much time on the net, I gotta run, having lunch with the sizzling ladies from dance class.

I love you, and all the wisdom you imparted to us...

B